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not married yet-the whole story

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flossy posted 2/13/2021 21:53 PM

I feel like i need to get the whole story out. i really hope there is someone out there that can relate and assist me.
so im 28. my bf is almost 30. we have been together for almost 3 years.
ive been reading many of these forums for hours and its funny how so many stories and cheaters are soooo similar and yet you think your situation is different and you possibly have a chance to make it better.
weve had a great relationship for the most part. however i have never felt like i could marry him. we are both christian and marriage is the end goal. if i said yes he would ask me tomorrow! maybe it was my intuition from the start? or maybe i just am not ready yet. no matter who it is..
history: he is my first real bf.
i was told when we first started dating that he cheated on his ex gfs. funny cause one of the first questions he ever asked me was have you ever cheated?? and he told me he never had.
the first two years of our relationship was long distance. he was always sooo sure of our relationship. "hed never felt this way with anyone else" knew right from the beginning that he wanted to marry me. and he made me feel so good. always put me first. i never doubted that he would leave me ever.
then it started...where i would see him liking girls pics in their bikinis on instagram.i became obsessed with checking his activity there. he would get defensive and say they are my friends. this happened multiple times. and i told him this is not ok. this is a deal breaker. after about the fourth time he was defensive and then kind of understood.. isnt it funny how they can make you think maybe you are crazy and acting out of line. then i seen a random message to a girl saying lets facetime. i confronted him and he said that this girl is just a random friend.... a random friend who lives in a different country?? why do you need to facetime this person ive never heard you talk about. then he proceeded to tell me "i would never even think about cheating on you"---this is all choppy and doesnt make that much linear sense but im kind of venting.
thats just the red flags i wish i listened to............
dday- i always was snooping through his computer when i could get the chance. (only when he left it open cause i didnt know the passwords (another obvious red flag).) i read messages to a girl saying "oh i wish i wasnt so shy" i should have tried back in the day". "your parents would love if we were together"
my heart was pounding so hard and i confronted him right away. he didnt feel sorry untill he realized how hurt i was. he wrote me letters held me while i cried.
then i kind of let it go... it was pretty innocent wasnt it??
then weeks later i found messages between him and his best friends ex girl friend. this was very sexual. it appeared to me that they would face time or send videos to get each other off. this was sooo out of character for my bf. ive never seen him talk dirty before. never to me.
she asked him to meet up. he said "youll probably suck me dry." "let me go jerk off"
" i love the sound in that video. it feels real." he would ask her to send more snaps.
then i saw a message where he told her they needed to stop talking (these messages were all from the beginning of our relationship.) thats the last i read because i only had a few minutes to look. then i confronted him and everythng blew up!!!
he was mortified. crying. so embarressed. i tried to ignore him for a couple weeks. but we both lived at his moms. he would do everything for me. make me dinnner. just hold me. cry. write me more letters. tell me he would do anything for me to forgive him. he said its something he is so ashamed of and is glad it came to light so he could stop hiding it.However nothing was really done about it. he never told me all the truth.. i wish i knew about this site back then.
and i kept finding out more things.the girl i asked about who he wanted to facetime, he told me it was innapropriate. after i said i knew what happened and made him tell me.
he gave me all his passwords to his phone and computer but would not let me on for more then a few seconds. then get mad that im gonna just find things from way in the past before my time and get myself angry.
then i got so angry about this.. cause i realized if hes really sorry why would he hide his phone. now he lets me look for a couple more seconds.......
he said he would go to counselling. he hasnt. but says hes just really scared.

things went back to normal. because he does treat me so well besides this. he is always thinking of me first. and he really would do anything for me.
what im having a hard time with is deciding, if what he had done was forgivable. never did he have true feelings for these girls. it seemed like it was all for attention.
but reading these forums, im thinking i may be being fooled.
I told my mom about everything yesterday.. i said it as if it were a friend it was happening to. and she said ohh that guy needs to be dumped asap. then i told her it was me and my bf. and she said i know this is crazy but it changes her opinion. because she really thinks my boyfriend is a good, kind person.

my plan right now, is to cut off contact with him. i cant make any clear decisions when i am enjoying his company.
my minimum standards.
he needs to tell someone about what hes done--his mom preferably
he needs to go to counselling
he needs to be remorsful
and i need access to his phone anytime for however long i want. with no guilt


man i wish i found this forum when it all went down.
any more tips?
i am so scared of being single. i really cant see there being a better guy then him.
he has so many good qualities
anyone with any good stories??
i dont want to never marry and have kids. i feel like this may be my destiny

eehamlet posted 2/13/2021 23:53 PM

I'm not going to be the last person on the board to tell you this. I think deep down you already know the answer.

Dump him and get on with your life. This is an ongoing thing with him. And each time you catch him he gets better at hiding things and learns more about what it takes to win you back when he does get caught.

You did the right thing when you spelled it out for your mom as if it was a friend. She gave the same advice as you are going to hear here. And it is the same advice that you would give a friend in a similar situation.

Right now you are not married. You don't have kids and there isn't really anything holding you back but the fear that this guy is the best you can do. He isn't. Follow your gut. The guy you think has your back is actually the one sticking the knife in it.

Good luck.

Crushed7 posted 2/14/2021 00:49 AM

its funny how so many stories and cheaters are soooo similar

Exactly. And your BF is one of them. Able to give the image of being a great person while lying, hiding activity and cheating all while being a master manipulator -- gaslighting and making you believe that things are your fault.


i dont want to never marry and have kids.

This is the fear of the unknown seeming to be worse than the known even though the known is awful.

Do you really want to marry someone who will constantly be disrespecting you and subjecting you to psychological and emotional abuse? Would you want to have that be the relational model that your kids would learn? That is absolute hell. Don't go there. The unknown holds so many possibilities including finding someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve.

Justsomeguy posted 2/14/2021 01:07 AM

I could go on and lay out a solid case for what you should do. I'm almost 54. Married a "Christian" girl who cheated multiple times on her previous BF, but was reformed. To put it bluntly, it don't mean shit. Labels are just that, labels. You have one precious life to live. You know what to do.

ChamomileTea posted 2/14/2021 01:32 AM

Your boyfriend is almost 30 and still living with his mom and acting like a teenager. Here's the bad news... this isn't about being young. The prefrontal cortex (judgment center) of the brain reaches full maturation by our mid-twenties, so this guy has no excuse but poor character. His core values are weak and permeable. His boundaries are non-existent.

I'm not saying there's no hope, but what I am saying is that you CAN do better. There are men out there who DO value fidelity and honesty, men who are as good as their word, work hard, run their own lives, and make good choices. You're taking on a fixer-upper here in the belief that there aren't good alternatives, but there are.

If I were you, I'd move out, get some perspective, and tell him to call me in six months. IF he has cleaned himself up, and that means ACTIONS not words, maybe date him again. That is, if you haven't already met someone wonderful. If you want a family of your own someday, you can't afford time-wasters. Let him know that you'll be seeing other people and that coming to you six months from now and saying he's changed isn't enough, that he better be able to prove it.

Don't waste your youth on a cheater, sweetie. I know it might sound harsh, but believe me, finding out when you're young and before you've got a bunch of kids and a mortgage is a GIFT.

((hugs))

The1stWife posted 2/14/2021 02:27 AM

he cheated on his ex gfs

🚩🚩

My experience w/ 15 friends and family who were cheated on by a BF/GF and then married the cheater —. The cheating continued throughout the marriage. Every one was a betrayed spouse.

Some were serial cheaters. Others occasionally cheated.

Point is they all cheated.

Karmafan posted 2/14/2021 02:38 AM

i am so scared of being single. i really cant see there being a better guy then him.

So you can’t see a better guy than one who cheats, lies and deceives? You say there’s so much goodness in him but, once infidelity shows its ugly head, and multiple times, there’s nothing else. Infidelity is all consuming and not something you’ll ever recover from fully.

If you were already married and had kids, I would understand your doubts and your consideration of R. Given that you are not married, and you are still soo very young, there’s only one possible outcome. And deep down you know it.

Staying with a cheater because...‘it’s better than being alone’ is an easy trap to fall into, but possibly the most damaging and devastating of all.

Reclaim your future and your right to be happy......it might hurt at first but, take it from me, it’s sunny on the other side

EllieKMAS posted 2/14/2021 02:45 AM

I said it on your other post, but you are so young honey. 28 is nothin.

And no your bf is not a good Christian guy. GOOD Christian guys don't cheat on their SO's. Good guys don't do that.

If you marry this guy you'd be settling for someone who has already proven repeatedly that he doesn't value you, or fidelity, or truth. He doesn't uphold the Christian values that are clearly very important to you. That's not a recipe for a successful marriage, that's a recipe for a lot more heartache.

Dump this dude and go find someone who knows what you're worth.

DIFM posted 2/14/2021 06:55 AM

As you noted, cheaters are cheaters and they are almost all have the same cheater gene. You are acting out of fear not from the facts. I have no powers of predicting the future......except as it related to cheaters. You have not seen the end of the pain he will cause you, no matter what short term "I'm so sorry" things he says or does.

He cheated before you, he cheated with you, he tried to convince you that his cheating behavior was not really cheating and instead was your wrong thinking for accusing him. He is toxic. I am sorry you have to deal with such a horrible partner. But you, yourself have clearly identified who and what he is, you have the evidence as to how long he has been this way, he is a 30 year old man-boy living at home, and so far has learned that after he cheats, he can sway you by feigning phony remorse with hugs and listening to you cry.

You will do what you are going to do. Bu, please do not accept the unacceptable out of some fear for your future. You are young. Believe me, 28 is still very young. You have many opportunities to find someone that will cherish you for you. Someone that will be a loyal and equal life partner.

Please, take to heart and mind all you have read, and will read, on this forum and learn and benefit from the pain and agony others have gone through before doing what they wished they had done much earlier. Three years, particularly with no period of authentic loyalty and devotion, is a drop in the bucket of life. Dating is the period for testing character. He has failed miserably. Cheaters do one thing better than all other things: lie.

Please take stock in yourself as a deserving, noble, worthy woman. There is a great, loving, supportive, honest, loyal person out there waiting to meet you. Don't move forward with blinders on and an overdose of hopium.

flossy posted 2/14/2021 08:03 AM

wow! i cannot thank you guys enough for taking the time to respond to me.
I know my story is not as serious as others as i am not married. but i feel clarity is on the horizon.
really it means a lot that you would give such words of wisdom to a stranger.
Right now i feel so clear because i told him I wanted a one month break.
im just scared of when he is going to try come back.
once im in his presence i forget everything and do see his good character.

Robert22205https posted 2/14/2021 08:17 AM

First, his crying and showering you with attention is not evidence of love. It's just manipulative behavior to keep you on the hook.

He's crying for himself because he may lose you (he's not crying because he hurt you).

You can love him, you can forgive him - and you can still conclude breaking up is best for you (and your future kids).

He is not a safe life partner and it takes years to fix (assuming he's willing).

Generally, he may be a nice guy - but in the context of an intimate emotional relationship he is not a nice guy. Just the opposite. He is abusive.

In order to do what he's done to you he allowed the following personality characteristics to control his behavior: selfish, deceitful, entitled, and last but not least - he has no empathy for you.

You deserve a better life partner. And your future kids deserve a better father and role model.

He will likely continue cheating.

Your kids will figure it out...and there's a high probability that one of your kids will tolerate it in their marriage - because you did.

Does pass this on to the next generation. Stop it now.



DIFM posted 2/14/2021 08:56 AM

once im in his presence i forget everything and do see his good character.

NO! You do not in this circumstance see his good character. You only see his temporary front.
Character is who you are and what you do when no one is looking, it is not a portion of superficial self. It is a disservice to suggest that when he is not cheating, or lying, or otherwise being who his is, that his superficial show of niceness is his character.

Even the most evil of people can temporarily appear nice or even understanding. This has nothing to do with a persons character. That ship sailed after cheating in two consecutive relationships. Your character shows brightest when you do what you do when no one else is looking.

SaddestDad posted 2/14/2021 09:07 AM

I know my story is not as serious as others as i am not married.

Betrayal is serious whether a piece of paper says you're married or not. The fact that you're not married doesn't make it less serious - it's a blessing that you can get out of infidelity quicker than others without added complications.

Do yourself a favor and start looking for a new place. Can you move back to your parents for now and allow yourself to heal in the comfort of your family & then, when ready, move back out?

Freeme posted 2/14/2021 09:32 AM

Right now i feel so clear because i told him I wanted a one month break.
im just scared of when he is going to try come back.

During this month do a hard 180 (see information on the left in the healing library). This will help you to detach for when you do see him again. When you feel weak or have questions write on here rather than break NC.

flossy posted 2/14/2021 10:06 AM

One thing I have a hard time getting past is that he never cheated in the physical. and he was never attached to any of the girls. it seemed like it was more for attention.
also that he told his best friends ex gf that it needed to end...?
he stated that he does think something is wrong with him and he was doing it because ive never been all in
I just need clarification and insight.
i dont want to end a relationship that could be good in the end.
i want to reiterate that he is very good to me besides this.
He really would do anything for me..

[This message edited by flossy at 10:18 AM, February 14th (Sunday)]

Freeme posted 2/14/2021 10:35 AM

How do you know that he has never physically cheated on you? Remember that he continued having innappropreate relationships with females after each of your talks...

then weeks later i found messages between him and his best friends ex girl friend. this was very sexual. it appeared to me that they would face time or send videos to get each other off. this was sooo out of character for my bf. ive never seen him talk dirty before. never to me.
she asked him to meet up. he said
This sounds like it could have been physical at one point..also she's asking to meet up with him. Doesn't sound like a first time request. Sounds like they were buying time by sexting and video until they were together again. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can't just trust his word. Maybe ask for his phone records from the past year if you need more evidence.
-- I think he is in save my ass mode.

Also, this is your honeymoon period. This is when you are trying each other out to make sure they can be trusted long term. He failed that. You both seem to be focusing on what he didn't do... What he did do was bad enough.

Your still young, I'd hate for you to settle for this guy. He might have a lot of wonderful qualities buy you can't trust him... and that kind of out weights everything else.

annb posted 2/14/2021 10:53 AM

To put it bluntly, this guy has no good qualities based on your post.

I think you have dodged a huge bullet, remove him from your life, he is a serial cheater who thrives on attention from other women. Cheaters lie and lie and lie and manipulate. Exactly what he is doing to you.

He's a christian in name only. His actions are screaming at you, consider therapy for yourself because this guy is a POS. Period.

You will be ok, find your self-respect. It's in there. My advice to you is run and never look back. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

DIFM posted 2/14/2021 11:10 AM

One thing I have a hard time getting past is that he never cheated in the physical. and he was never attached to any of the girls. it seemed like it was more for attention.

If this is what you want in a partner - someone that only cheats with other women for the purpose of getting their attention, you have your man.

You previously said:

...and i told him this is not ok. this is a deal breaker....

But it wasn't really a deal breaker because he continued with the same disloyal, disrespectful practices. Never talk about deal breakers or ultimatums until you have reached a place that you will enforce them. Otherwise, you just train the disloyal cheaters that you have a bark but no bite. It only emboldens them, as it did your disloyal bf.

I am very sorry you have to hear the painful realities from the responses. But folks here have seen everything, heard all the lies, see all the deal breakers and know the pain you are going through. Listen and consider even the responses you most don't like hearing.

EllieKMAS posted 2/14/2021 11:14 AM

Right now i feel so clear because i told him I wanted a one month break.
im just scared of when he is going to try come back.
once im in his presence i forget everything and do see his good character.
He doesn't have good character. People with good character don't cheat on their girlfriends. Liars and manipulators cheat on their girlfriends. Use the clarity you feel right now to really dig in to why you would be willing to settle on someone who would do this. You deserve better.

i dont want to end a relationship that could be good in the end.
This relationship is not good NOW and won't improve. He's a cheater and has zero remorse about that. Not to mention, I also married a giant man-child and people like that don't improve with age. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS. Don't let fear keep you tied to this. After 2 years on SI and my own ride on the shit merry go round that is infidelity, believe me when I tell you that life free from a cheater is worth any amount of fear you feel right now.

flossy posted 2/14/2021 12:32 PM

so a little update
i just messaged the girl he was having sexting conversations with.
i asked her for a timeline and if anything physical ever happened
this was her reply:
Hi Flossy,
Look I respect your healing and being genuinely honest but I'm not looking to partake in this.

I didn't know *** was serious with anyone and it was definitely not a one sided initiation.

We haven't been in contact since 2018 or earliest 2019 and base line were friends for years prior.

Sorry you're dealing with this, but *** is the one to be asking about this. I'd appreciate no further contact"

this made me cry. pretty sad that she wouldnt want to help someone when she is no longer involved..
however she does give me proof that they did stop talking after he asked her to
do you think its wrong of me for contacting her?

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