SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello, please feel free to move this post if it’s in the wrong category:

I posed in August after finding out about my husbands betrayal in July, https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=648041&HL=75134

It’s been a rollercoaster of a few months. I’m still staying at my parents. I know he’s done wrong and people will think I should have kicked him out but I just couldn’t stay in that house alone.

Following my last posts in August, in Sept I confronted him with his phone records and still being in contact with her. I received the response I thought I would, anger at me snooping and he changed his account password. After a few days he apologised, he can see how it was wrong and all contact has been cut. Throughout October we were spending a few evenings a week together, he even arranged for flowers to be delivered to me in the last week of October, something he knows always puts a smile on my face.

I noticed the payment for the florist went out after the flowers had been delivered, which I thought odd and suspicion creeped in. I logged onto his account with the florist and found out he had also arranged to have flowers sent to her for Halloween. The message read “for the scariest lozka I know”. I’ve been told lozka is a Lithuanian term for someone you’re fond of. His explanation, her friend had received flowers and was jealous so he sent her some. He told me they hadn’t been in contact and she messaged him out of the blue. But how am I to believe that. Again, he apologised, didn’t think I would find out, didn’t realise it would hurt me when I did.

Mid November, there’s a night I’m unable to contact him. His phone goes straight to voicemail and my WhatsApp messages aren’t sending. I had that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Now I have her address from the flowers, I took a drive, and there’s his car parked outside her house. He claims innocence, said she invited him over for dinner in exchange for a lift to work (she was working nights). This I believe, as he resurfaced and responded to me around the time he’d dropped her at work. But do I believe the innocence? I’m not sure. It’s still a lie, and contact with her. The apologies and grovelling commences.

A few weeks later, again unreachable. I went for a drive again. His car was parked in the street behind her house.

Both times he told me he was going to see his friend, let’s call him Pete. The first time, he confessed to it immediately and said he lied and told me about her. The second time, he said it’s purely a coincidence and him and Pete went to see another mate who happens to live the road behind where she does. I’m not sure what to believe on this occasion, he confessed the first so why not a second. I wish I stuck around that night to see if I saw her return to his car or something.

Throughout this period he still maintains the affair was only for a month in June and was over by the time I found out in July. Whenever he has seen her since (behind my back and lied to me about it), it’s been platonic. Although there’s still the case of the missing condoms from last August which I explained in my previous post.

There has been no intimacy, no kissing or holding hands since July. We hug when we greet and say goodbye but that’s all.

The past few months we’ve been doing ok, there hasn’t been any suspicious moments. Part of that may be because we’re in a nationwide covid lockdown (UK) so he’s unable to go anywhere. We both said we want to make it work and try with IC and MC, I moved back home on Thursday.

The emotions hit me, it’s all still so raw. I thought I was ok but it all came flooding back. I couldn’t cope and I’m back at my parents. We had a chat yesterday and I said I’m not sure if I will ever be able to get over the hurt and I at least need more time and going back to parents. He initially responded by lashing out, saying if I go back we’re over, I’m miserable and he was going to end it anyway, the “state” I’m in isn’t attractive (not eating or sleeping - trauma caused by him he fails to see). He then changed his tune and he doesn’t want us to give up, this is our marriage, he’s sorry for the hurt, for everything, he loves me and will always love me.

I feel so confused. On one hand I don’t know if I can ever move forward and get over the hurt. On the other hand can he change, if I see him living the life we had planned with someone else it will hurt so much. He’s my best friend, I can’t imagine him not being in my life but I also can’t understand how the one person who promised to love me and protect me has hurt me like this. I’m also questioning whether it’s him I will miss, or having “my person”. I feel indifferent when I look at him but again, I’m not sure if it’s my way of protecting myself. The cheating is one thing, the lies/deceit/gaslighting is what I’m really struggling with.

He said he tried to end it with me, I wouldn’t accept it, he justified in his mind he was single and just did what he wanted and slept with her. We’ve had a conversation around this, I explained if he really wanted to leave he should have just walked. The pain from that would be far less than the pain from this.

I’m 30, we don’t have kids or a mortgage. We’ve been together 6.5 years and married for 2 (sept 2018). This is the second time he’s cheated, the first time was 2.5 years into the relationship, the second time was just before the 5 year mark. He also cheated on his ex gf with me (I only found this out a few months ago). He’s recently left the army (may 2019) and has struggled adjusting to civilian life, I’m unsure whether this would explain any of his actions.

Has anyone ever walked away and regretted it? Or stayed and regretted it? My biggest fear is regretting whichever decision I make.

Sorry, I didn’t realise quite how long this post was!

I don’t know anyone who regretted walking away from a marriage to a cheater. I know I don’t.

He’s still cheating and lying. Speak to a lawyer and move on. You deserve to be treated better than a backup plan if his girlfriend falls through.

Has anyone ever walked away and regretted it?

Lots of cheaters have.

Or stayed and regretted it?

Lots of betrayed spouses have.

My biggest fear is regretting whichever decision I make.

It should be putting another 2.5 to 5 years into this M and finding yourself facing another D day. Because he hasn’t changed.

You asked about regret when staying or leaving. One thing I know for sure... you will always regret living with infidelity. Don't live with it any longer. You will never regret removing yourself from infidelity.

Based on the history you've written, can you ever really trust him again?

Let's suppose you stay together. You are going to have serious trust issues at best. To overcome those trust issues you're going to have to become marriage cop. Constantly monitoring the phone, constantly wondering where he is when not at home, wondering what social app is he using, is he emailing, does he have a burner phone, does he have a new coworker? That's no way to live. I think you will regret it.

Stick to individual counseling to focus on you. Marriage counseling is a waste of time and money at this stage. I would not do marriage counseling.

I lived like this for 9 months. It sucks. Don't be uncomfortable, it's no way to live. You deserve to be happy. You're clearly not happy. Move on with life, you deserve better.

I have to agree too, it's a no win situation.

The fact his car was round there twice is not a coincidence. And the fact that you felt the need to check means it's eating you up inside. And from what you're saying it's affecting your health too.

I’m 30, we don’t have kids or a mortgage. We’ve been together 6.5 years and married for 2 (sept 2018). This is the second time he’s cheated, the first time was 2.5 years into the relationship, the second time was just before the 5 year mark. He also cheated on his ex gf with me (I only found this out a few months ago). He’s recently left the army (may 2019) and has struggled adjusting to civilian life, I’m unsure whether this would explain any of his actions.

Please, PLease, Please just reread what I quoted above! Was he ever monogamous during the dating phase of the relationship? Has he done Anything after he cheated the 1st time such as individual therapy, read infidelity books, and watch videos on how to help you heal? He is not going to magically fix himself.

Give him your demands on what you want.

1. Individual therapy.

2. Complete transparency on electronics

3. Timeline of ALL his affairs. (subject to a polygraph).

4. Marriage counseling. (someone with some experience with infidelity).

You are 30 years old. Please do some soul searching what is keeping you married to this man? Please do not get tied down with this man with a child until he manages to get his head out of the sand. If he cannot put in work to help you heal then it is time to walk out the door.

BigNoob, no nothing was done after the first instance. We admittedly swept it under the rug. He was in the army at the time, he had just flown to America for 3 months once it had all unravelled. So we didn’t see each other, I dealt with it in my own way (which to be honest, I think was avoiding it and ploughing on, pretending it never happened). So yes it’s the second time, however if we had dealt with it correctly the first time maybe we wouldn’t be here.

No, he only cheated on his ex with me. He hasn’t cheated on any other girlfriends. Him and his sister are very close and she’s the one who told me about his ex, she would have told me about any other instances as she can see how much I’m hurting. She’s as angry at him as I am.

Oh, children are completely off the table right now. That’s another worry, he did it for an ego boost. How can I trust he will be around and not off getting an ego boost if we ever have a baby and we’re dealing with the stresses that brings.

His explanation, her friend had received flowers and was jealous so he sent her some.

He felt obligated to make her feel better? I call BS on that.

He claims innocence, said she invited him over for dinner in exchange for a lift to work (she was working nights). This I believe, as he resurfaced and responded to me around the time he’d dropped her at work.

Ok, we both know that his reason for having dinner with her was more than just a "thank you." He was there for his affair, it wasn't over. I'm sorry. A respectable man would have accepted a "dinner invitation" to include his wife.

another mate who happens to live the road behind where she does.

Nope, no coincidence. He was there to see her, and figured if you drove by her place you wouldn't see his car. The affair wasn't over.

He initially responded by lashing out, saying if I go back we’re over, I’m miserable and he was going to end it anyway, the “state” I’m in isn’t attractive (not eating or sleeping - trauma caused by him he fails to see). He then changed his tune and he doesn’t want us to give up, this is our marriage, he’s sorry for the hurt, for everything, he loves me and will always love me.

His initial reaction was to lash out because he is not ready to give up his girlfriend. His job is to support you and make you feel safe, and he isn't doing that. Changing his tune isn't enough if it wasn't his initial reaction. He isn't R material.

He said he tried to end it with me, I wouldn’t accept it, he justified in his mind he was single and just did what he wanted and slept with her.

Blameshifting...he kept at it because "you wouldn't accept it." You deserve better than this.

Has anyone ever walked away and regretted it? Or stayed and regretted it? My biggest fear is regretting whichever decision I make.

I walked away after doing everything in my power to keep the marriage together; made some poor decisions thinking we would make it, moved to another state. I have absolutely NO regrets because I knew deep down that I could never ever trust anything he said. Ever. I didn't want to live with doubt and fear while raising my children.

It sounds like you've put up with a lot from him. He has cheated twice (that you know of) and the statement that it ended in June is a lie. The contact he had well into November was part of the affair. At this point you already know that you don't trust him, and so now you have to decide if living without trust is something you can do. I don't like to see couples divorce but right now you have no children so an amicable split would be easier than if children were involved. I'm so sorry, but remember that you are still so young and have a lot of life left to live, and to be truly happy with someone who values you.

[This message edited by newlife03 at 12:34 PM, February 1st (Monday)]

He is abusing you with just enough hopium to keep you hanging on.

RUN! You deserve better, but only you can change that.

You seem unable to make a decision b/c you appear to want to make the right choice. There is no “right” answer here.

You are married to a continuous liar and cheater. That is a fact.

Your options are unlimited here. You can divorce him. It’s an option. You no longer will be subjected to his lying and cheating.

You can separate to see if that helps the situation. See if he will change, miss you and commit to the marriage. A valid option. Both if you should have separate counseling to help you address the issues in the marriage.

You can try to reconcile and have him commit to the marriage, make amends and remain monogamous. However that will Only work if he makes that commitment. Nothing you can do to Get him to make that choice.

You can remain married and accept him for the liar and cheater he is. Don’t expect any changes. Recognize he will continue to disrespect you. And lie. And cheat.

I hope you know that many betrayed spouses choose reconciliation but it just doesn’t work out. And they end up divorced months or years later. No right answer. It’s what you deem best for you.

Regret? Human beings can't reliably predict the future. We just can't.

Right now you're in pain, and you're looking for a way to minimize pain in the future. That leads to a closed, unhappy life.

What will bring you the most joy? What do you want to do about your M? Will D or R lead you to the better life?

Put your fear aside. Choose life.

*****

Even with the A, I'm glad I'm with my W. (And I wish we were 30 again. ) R was right for me.

Other members are glad they are not with their WSes. D was right for them.

IDK what's best for you, but you will, if you ask yourself the question - what is best for me?

So he hasn't been no contact and it sounds like he is still disrespecting you. Time to file. If at some point in the future, he can prove himself to be a safe partner (this is proven by actions, not words), you can go forward with revisiting your relationship. Who knows, maybe by then, you'll have met somebody that's worthy of you and truly deserves your love and devotion!

I would not have chosen a known cheater to be the father of my child. You know before this horrible situation has occurred. This is a blessing to know this now while you can still move on.

He’s my best friend

Yes for now he is in your heart and mind. But you are not his best friend. I am so sorry to say this and hate to say it, but if you were, he just couldn't do this to you. But you can skip the fear of seeing him living a good life with someone else. If it ever appears that way, know that it is a liar cheater gas-lighter you are watching. I am SO sorry about the 'my person' part! I remember this well. It is devastating to take it in, but I promise you will work through it over time. You are young and have an entire life ahead of you. The scariest thought for me looking at you now is seeing you waste another 10 years with him and then 'starting over' at 40 instead of 30.

By the way, maybe read up on the cycle of abuse. I don't know the whole picture but his reaction being angry at your emotions over this disgusts me.

Take care.

Hi @Ladybird90 I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the pain of betrayal in your marriage.

Deciding to stay or not stay in a marriage after infidelity is not a decision to to be rushed. I say this from own experience because I was ready to leave my marriage after going through the pain of infidelity more than once.

I stayed in my marriage and right now I can say I'm really thankful I stayed and I don't regret it. However the truth is choosing R was not a walk in the park.

We had to go through many months of IC and MC and really deal with a lot of issues that we had rug swept in our marriage and this was really beneficial for us.

One of the factors that helped me in staying was seeing the sincere remorse from husband and all the wise individual counseling I received from a wise mentor that helped me in my healing journey.

I want to encourage you to remember that despite what has happened in your marriage, you are worthy and deserving of love that can be trusted.

I hope and pray the near future brings healing for your emotions and the wisdom you need for the journey ahead.