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Vent: online dating and women

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4

WhoTheBleep posted 3/19/2021 15:33 PM


and then swore off OLD Feb 2015 after the guy spoke with an obviously fake British accent and told me he was from Narnia.

Oh please please please write your book. I'll be your first buyer. At the very least, start a thread here about online dating horror stories.

JSG, I think what you said to this lady is perfect. Friendzone is definitely okay for where you are emotionally. You never know what can develop once you are more healed. At the very least, you've made a friend. Well done on treating her with respect and being honest.

Justsomeguy posted 3/22/2021 19:24 PM

Okay, another update. We went out for another date? She is really a wonderful person, and checks off a ton of boxes, but my anxiety is through the roof. I'm starting to have days long panic sessions and the shakes. It reminds me of how I felt right after Dday.

I think I need to listen to my body and pull back. I am going to take another year of healing and see where I am. I just feel so screwed up in the head. It's like I just want to find a cave somewhere and spend the rest of my days alone. Man, infidelity us the gift that keeps on giving.

grubs posted 3/22/2021 20:58 PM

What's your ICs take on this?

Anna123 posted 3/22/2021 21:19 PM

Sometimes I just think what we label as infidelity bonding issues are actually us just knowing deep down that the particular person we are dating may not be a good match for us. I have been contemplating that lately anyway. I see it with friends often, not confident in my own evaluations yet though----

Good luck and try to still enjoy the journey in spite of the mystery of it all.

It is okay to be single btw, that does not equate with cave dwelling but can end up being MORE social than being paired up.

Take care.

Karmafan posted 3/23/2021 02:26 AM

Sometimes I just think what we label as infidelity bonding issues are actually us just knowing deep down that the particular person we are dating may not be a good match for us

Anna123, I think having an emotional ‘block’’ is a real thing. You could meet the most perfect guy but you’d still feel cold. I know because I am there too. I met a great man at the beginning of the year but I just couldn’t let myself go. I was paralysed. It was useful in that it made me realise, unequivocally, that I am not ready for a relationship.

Justsomeguy, you said on a different thread that the peace that follows infidelity is hard earned and beautiful and fragile. If dating is making you anxious and taking away from that peace, then you have to pay attention. Your lady may very well tick all the boxes but if your heart is not in it, then you need to acknowledge that and go back to that safe haven, for a while longer.

Anna123 posted 3/23/2021 08:33 AM

Anna123, I think having an emotional ‘block’’ is a real thing.

I should have worded it better. I meant the 'sometimes' as in sometimes it is the emotional block, and other times it is a compatibility thing or finding an undesirable trait.

I don't want to thread jack but it is pertinent to this thread - do you think this block feels more like simply protecting yourself, or is it avoiding something that is starting a feeling of connection that is too deep? Or, does it feel like not wanting to answer to anyone and once in a deeper relationship, you give up that autonomy at a certain level. The Justsomeguy says it creates a physical feeling of anxiety, which could still be the feeling related with any of these things.

Justsomeguy: What is your guess on what it is for you?

Karmafan posted 3/23/2021 10:00 AM

Do you think this block feels more like simply protecting yourself, or is it avoiding something that is starting a feeling of connection that is too deep? Or, does it feel like not wanting to answer to anyone and once in a deeper relationship, you give up that autonomy at a certain level.

All of these things. It is a concerted effort! I don't believe it has anything to do with the person you are dating. Actually, there are different layers. If, as you say, the person is clearly not what you are looking for, then I don't think that defence mechanism is even triggered. Rationally, you know they are not a match and you are able to let go without inconveniencing your emotions. It is when you meet someone who makes you feel in a certain way, who, as Justsomeguy said, ticks all your boxes, that you clam up. Because the possibility of them becoming something else is only too real.

My question, the one that keeps me up at night is this: will this inability to engage at a deeper level ever end? Or is it there to stay? I don't mind taking time on dating, and I am ok with waiting until I am ready; what scares me is that there is no guarantee that those feelings will ever return

[This message edited by Karmafan at 10:02 AM, March 23rd (Tuesday)]

Justsomeguy posted 3/24/2021 12:17 PM

Hi everyone and thank you for the replies. On a phone, so I can't quote. I let the woman I've been meeting know about my stress and anxiety and so I've told her I need some time to process. I think my issues are many, but they include infidelity trauma and self protection. I jumped into a hit and heavy dating relationship right after S, and it broke my heart. Weirdly, I had more trouble getting over her than my WW. I may not be fully over her after a year, but I'm close.

I don't feel things like I used to. Emotionally speaking, it like hearing loss. I can still hear things, but not the full range of sound. Sadly, I still seem to really be able to feel all the shitty emotions really, really well. Joy, happiness, etc, not so much or at all. Scare tissue I guess.

I don't think she is the one for me, but I literally have the worst picker, so what the hell do I know? I'm starting to feel that being alone is just the safer, more sensible option. That way I don't hurt another person and I don't get hurt. Because of the above points, I don't have much left in me to survive more hurt. Maybe one day, but not now.

I had to sit down with a pen and calendar to figure out how far along the "road of healing" I am on. Which is the sarcasm emoji? I'm 4.25 years from Dday#1 and 3.25 years from Dday#2, the really fun one where shit and fan got acquainted. So according to the collective wisdom of SI, I am still in the thick of it, the 2-5 years.

The funny thing is, the after dipping my toe in the OLD world, I have started to realize that I am becoming comfortable being alone. I was initially quite worried that I would, and then end up alone for the rest of my life. Now, its not that bad.

BetrayedGamer posted 3/25/2021 20:30 PM

OMG love this thread. I know exactly where the OP is coming from (and close to the same age here). I've had to do a lot of OLD, and there is definitely an evolution to it.

I know in the past it seemed like the longer I was on a site, the more desperate I got and the more flags I put up with to get to that first date. The problem there is that doesn't really increase your chances to get into a relationship, it just means you're out there spending more money on 1st and 2nds.

When I've found success in OLD has been when I've tightened up the standards. You don't just have deal breakers for the profile, but you have them for the chats, phone calls, and dates as well. One deal breaker that I developed (much too) late was the uncreative chatter. The "only answer questions but not ask any back" chatter as well. If I don't leave an online chat or phone call desperately wanting the conversation to continue, then that pretty much ends if for me. Too many dates out there just want to get the free meal of the 1st date to check you out in person...nuh uh, not on my watch.

Justsomeguy posted 3/28/2021 10:29 AM

Well, we had the talk yesterday and I feel awful but a little relieved. She opened the conversation and we progressed to the anxiety I have been feeling. I told her that I had to listen to what my body was telling me and step back from dating. I could tell that she was quite upset at this and it broke my heart to cause her pain. She is a wonderful woman.

I told her that, although I thought I was ready 3.5 years after Dday, I was more broken than I realized and needed more time to heal. The reality is,i might not ever be a safe partner again, in the sense of fully functioning. Just too much baggage. But being alone isnt the end of the world. I have my kids, friends, and a career.

So I've decided to put my head down and focus on fixing my shit for now. I'm going to look for a therapist who specializes with PTSD/PISD. Maybe that will help.

Thanks to everyone who posted and encouraged me on this failed experiment. Oh well...

phmh posted 3/28/2021 13:41 PM

(((JSG))) I think you are very wise in taking some time and working through things with a therapist. I know I've mentioned this before -- possibly earlier on this thread though I'm not going to take the time to revisit -- but I truly feel that my final healing happened after I'd sworn off dating and was blissfully single and not even looking for many months back in 2015.

I am only commenting because so often I see people write on here about thinking they are too broken and will never be able to find a partner, like you did here:

The reality is,i might not ever be a safe partner again, in the sense of fully functioning. Just too much baggage.

With the caveat that being coupled up is not the end all be all (as we all know and as you mentioned in the part after I stopped quoting you), if it is something that you may want in the future, I highly recommend trying to decrease the negative talk, as you don't want this to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I went into my dating sabbatical thinking that I may always be alone, and that was ok, but I'd probably find someone the old-fashioned way. In the meantime, I was going to work on me and build as great of a life as I could. when the negative talk starting butting into my head, I got rid of that as soon as I could.

I know 2-5 years is thrown out here, but for people who have a false R, based on what I've witnessed in my nearly decade here, is that the timeline starts when you actually are on the road to D, and you need to add a few more years for the false R, so 2-5 becomes more like 4-8 from the final D-Day/decision to divorce. False R is just so, so damaging as you feel like you are finally beginning to heal and then the knife gets twisted in even further and more damage is done, so you have even more to recover from than if you'd just left on the original D-Day.

Anyway, you sound like a great guy who is self-aware and who will go on to have an amazing life. Your WW is an idiot for treating you this way and, once you are healed and if you want it, you will find an incredible, faithful lady, and your relationship will be solid and more than you could ever have had with a cheater.

Justsomeguy posted 4/3/2021 08:58 AM

Well, the massive anxiety trips have subsided, and now I just a few peppered in throughout the day. Much better. It would seem that I made the right decision to focus on my healing. The weather is better, so i can start taking some side jobs to get me out of debt and that will give me a sense of renewed purpose. So here we go. Further in and further up!

BetrayedGamer posted 4/3/2021 12:20 PM

Glad to hear it Justsomeguy. You are definitely ahead of me in the healing process, it feels good to read the journey of someone with such a similar story, so I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm in day 3 of hell month (end of April she finally moves out). I'm past trying an R, and it's probably a good thing I didn't get that anyways, leading into more AP down the road probably. I'm finding the anxiety trips are lessening, although I recently had one that I can't figure out what caused it...there was no apparent trigger was just enjoying a Friday night in my little prison of a room.

I'm really itching for OLD but know I have to hold off...at least until she's out of the house. Anyways thank you for your updates, keep em coming.

Kate777 posted 4/6/2021 11:24 AM

Hey OP🙂

I feel you, I tried Old last year after 12 years.. It went hm!
Obviously during my healing process I changed way lot more than I thought. I suddenly have boundarys I wasn't really aware that I have them in first place.

I am on phone so I can't quote, but I highly recommend going to a specialist for PTSD. I had an amazing one and the positive outcome is tremendous.
I feel happy and content with me being alone.. I don't feel lonely or alone, no I can't say that

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