The little stop sign means that only WS's can reply to your question, BS's cannot. That is a good thing with this particular question I think. If you'd like to hear from BS's however, you can uncheck the box when creating the topic, or ask a mod to remove it for you.
You may get a lot of flak for this question just FYI. Let me start by asking you this... when do you think Nicole Brown Simpson's family will stop reminding OJ that he (allegedly) murdered their daughter when things come up? Do you think it is unfair of them to do so? Do you think there is anything OJ could do to help mitigate their anger?
I have two answers for you. The first is simply to note that some more empathy and ownership would be helpful here. Your actions destroyed this person's life. How long do you think is a reasonable amount of time to get over that? I just want to make you aware that the question itself comes off as "poor me" and the thing is, you are not the victim here. What if she never stops doing that? How would that make you feel? What part do you think you play in that?
The other response I'll give you is this one. Anger and hurt will subside over time, but the much larger factor in how your spouse reacts to you lies in how you react to her. If you can honestly "own" what you did, show her empathy, demonstrate that you not only have remorse for your actions, but that you honestly understand the damage you caused, and can demonstrate that you have changed, and can be a person of authenticity, of honesty, a supportive and understanding person... when those things happen, that might (MIGHT) open a door for her to begin to accept and trust you again.
For most couples, this takes years, lots of hard work, lots of pain, and lots of growth. I can also tell you that, if you go through all that, regardless of the outcomes to the marriage, it is worth it, it is always worth it. But you need to be prepared and willing to see yourself for who you really are, and accept some ugly things about yourself. One of those ugly things is the simple fact that we can never hit the "undo switch" on our infidelity. It is part of your story now, and part of her story as well. So you can either wallow in the shame of it (I did that for about 3 years straight, that did tons of additional damage to my spouse) or you can do something about it. You can be a better person. Your spouse will react to you on the level that you are on.
For now... when she gets upset and throws it in your face, instead of getting upset with her... get upset with yourself for putting her in this position. This is not the marriage she signed up for. This is not how she wanted to feel or think right now. She had no part in your decision to cheat or in the aftermath it bore. All she can do is bear the pain that was dumped in her lap. If you like, you can walk out the door and go with someone else, and you will never have to deal with her blaming you again. But she cannot. She will wake up, every day until she dies, as someone that was betrayed by the person they trusted most. That's her reality.
You put effort into having an affair, for your own benefit. Now put 10x as much effort into being a better person. Being the same person you were then you cheated, is going to net the same response. If you change, maybe she will have a reason to as well.
[This message edited by DaddyDom at 11:23 AM, January 18th (Monday)]