Mari104 posted 1/4/2021 12:28 PM

Not going to sugar coat anything here. I am a complete mess.....the holidays are SO difficult for the kids and I. I just hate feeling this way. WH acts oblivious to it all, but I know he is well aware what his crappy ass choices have done to us all. He spent the holidays mainly alone. (With the exception of seeing my kids for 1 hour on Christmas morning at our house.) His parents basically spent it with us and our family. It is complicated.....everyone is still very hurt by everything he did.I know the holidays must have not been easy for him either, but he did all of this to us. AND.....we don't even know if he was actually "alone".....we don't believe anything he says anymore.

Well......his inconsistencies continue. He still spends no time with our 12 year old daughter. She is not ready after the last BS act he pulled. Our son has still not gone to his apartment since he last moved out. He said he is not ready, but he may go for the first time this Wednesday to "play video games with daddy"

So Saturday, our son had a soccer game. I texted WH and told him, to make sure he saw it posted on the app. This was a last minute scrimmage they scheduled and was not part of his normal season. However, soccer is my son's life. He LOVES it. Normally, WH has been good about attending his games. When I texted him, he said "no, I didn't know" I gave him the time and location. Saturday came and he never showed up. No text to our son apologizing for not making it either. This is not the first time he has done this. However, more recently, things have gotten bad between him and our daughter. Our son is also not the same around him. In my mind, he should be doing EVERYTHING to get into a better place with both of them. Of course our 12 year old daughter made a comment about him once again, not being reliable. No text or call letting any of us know he couldn't make it for whatever reason. I am annoyed. This is beyond frustrating.

His therapist spoke to our daughter's therapist about why our daughter is so upset with him and needs time to process everything before wanting a relationship with her dad right now. Her therapist called me afterwards and told me that his therapist knew very little about what the things he had done. Seems like he was minimizing his actions 100%. This was weeks ago and I am sure he has spoken to his therapist about all of this. WHY is he not stepping up then? I just don't get it!

He texted me this morning and asked if he can pick up our son earlier on Wednesday so they can go to his apartment and play video games and have dinner. (He usually just picks him up for a couple of hours and takes him out to dinner.) This will be the first time he has gone to his dad's new apartment. I said it was fine, as long as our son is ok with it. But didn't mention anything about Saturday and neither did he. Should I ask him why he didn't attend? Call him out on it? Why does he get to pick and choose when he is there for them? I am there for them ALL THE TIME....NO MATTER WHAT. Why should it be any different for him?

Vent over.....but opinions on how to handle this will be greatly appreciated.

Tigersrule77 posted 1/4/2021 12:54 PM

My suggestion: You can't control your WH, so don't try. I suggest you stop going out of your way to remind him. If you post the appointments on your app, let that be it. Your extra texts and such are only going to cause you more grief. You need to let go. Change the focus to yourself and your kids. Do the best you can for them. You are not responsible for your WH's actions. I think once you accept that, you will let go of a lot of frustration.

You being angry about his failures isn't going to change him. It only makes you angry. I understand that you see the hurt from your children. Do your best to support them.

betrayed 35 posted 1/4/2021 20:34 PM

I completely understand where you are coming from. You can only control you... I think we are so used to making sure that everyone is where they are supposed to be and doing what they should be doing. He now has to make the right choice and once again they are failing. I am in the same boat with having to do everything and WH comes and takes them when it's convenient for him and then it always involves OW. They already went on family vacations, I am here still trying to get Divorced! I think we want them to be something they aren't capable of-putting other people's feelings before their own.

Tallgirl posted 1/5/2021 05:14 AM

I think you are being an amazing parent. Your kids are lucky.

I suggest you stop acting like your ex’s wife. Treat him like someone at work. Here is the schedule. Here is what I expect. Here is what the kids need. Call me if there are scheduling issues. If you don’t show up, here are the consequences - You will hurt the kids.

My ex not only lied to me, his kids, everyone including his AP, he lied to himself,,, still does sometimes. He lied to every therapist we ever talked to, until the last one. This was only after he decided that he was going to change. It is likely your ex can’t see the truth because he hasn’t faced what he did.

I am sorry you have to deal with this. I imagine it is overwhelming.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 5:15 AM, January 5th (Tuesday)]

The1stWife posted 1/5/2021 05:30 AM

You are doing an amazing job and your children are very lucky to have such a loving and caring parent.

As far as the X - I suggest you stop trying with him. It only ends in frustration for you.

Expect he’s not going to show up or anything like that b/c he’s avoiding facing any consequences for his actions. It’s easier to not be there on Christmas b/c then he doesn’t have to acknowledge what he’s done.

You need to let him fall on his butt and not pick him up. If you keep carrying him along it only prolongs the inevitable consequences. You cannot keep trying to help him. As hard as it seems he has to face it or not — and if he chooses to be a coward then it’s better to know now then years from now.

He doesn’t want to exist in your children’s life. He’s rather hide from them. How sad.

homewrecked2011 posted 1/5/2021 07:26 AM

No matter what—continue taking your children to counseling!!!! This helped my kids long term the best!!!

Also, it’s honestly best that he disappoints his children now, while they are in counseling, so the issues can be worked thru. Also, my children’s IC said that they need to live in reality, not fantasy. You (and I) trying to force their Dads to be at their events is a fantasy. They were everywhere previously because they were trying to impress someone-(us, kids, family, other kids parents) but now they aren’t trying to impress those people, so they aren’t around. That is reality.

So, 10 years out and looking back, please have a group of healthy adults around that your kids can model their behaviors. XH family is great as long as they don’t start supporting xh’s actions. My friend’s H took my son hunting a lot, as he only had daughters-who hated hunting!! Keep your son in Soccer (sometimes sports are the only good males role models kids have) and help your daughter find something she loves to do also.

I spent all my extra money on sports and marching band for my kids. (Dad never showed up, but now says he was there -we just never saw him. ). It was really an “investment” not money tossed away, as their mental health was my first priority (as it is yours, too👍) They call their Dad out on his BS now, and rarely go see him. They have learned that some people are POS people, but that they have the freedom/choice to have a100% good life no matter who wants to have a miserable life (their Dad, for example).

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 7:28 AM, January 5th (Tuesday)]

Hippo16 posted 1/5/2021 07:39 AM

Mari104

My opinion - you should change your expectations and efforts towards trying to convince your spouse to be a part of your son and daughters life.

Why:

I am thinking at the age of your spouse - he is unlikely to ever improve enough to be a positive experience as a "dad."

Some men (some women too) - are self centered and looking mostly to enjoy their existence as best they can given the place in the path of life in which they currently find themselves.

I am not implying this is necessarily your husband but I see, from your post, that he is conflicted with what he wants.

He has a home (had) with wife and two kids.

Finds another female to cavort with and gets an apartment together.

Where is guilt a moral person would have taking money from family for such action? Where is guilt for leaving two children wondering WTF is wrong with their life that their dad has essentially removed himslef from their daily life?

My answer - he is only concerned about HIS pleasures (as he sees them) and either doesn't care or just doesn't give a thought to how his actions are affecting his kids and you.

- one of my quips: quit relieving yourself over the windward side of the boat.

To continue your current path of trying to push his involvement in your kids life is going to cause you anger and frustration. It is a pointless effort and, I would guess, 100% not going to happen without a LOT of change in your husband.

I offer this perspective based on my life. I grew up without a "Dad" - ya - I had a father - a sperm donor.

He was never a dad - only ONCE in all the years he was alive (and rarely around) did he EVER take me , as a son, to anything as a dad/parent and son that would be quantified as a activity that would foster some kind of bonding.

He took me fishing - with another "dad" and his son. They drove us to a lake and said "Here is your fishing rod - have fun!" and then sat in the car (50s Ford) and polished off a fifth of Crown Royal. Luck to survive that day as I remember speeding down dirt road and looking out a SIDE window to see where car was heading.

I see in your husband the same kind of man.

He died when I was 15. I didn't shed a tear.
He was found deceased by landlady in an apartment he rented - where he kept his paramour as I later found out. aneurysm on aorta - at least it was quick

50 years later - I am still working to learn to accept my lack of growing up in a family. Mother tried but she was a harlot herself.

Appears your two kids have a much better chance at growing up decently balanced mentally as you seem to be a good mother.

PS: Also didn't catch anything that day - other than a chigger bite or two -