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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now

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guvensiz posted 4/20/2021 18:59 PM

She's very attractive and she got hit on pretty regularly but she never gave those morons a second thought, so what was so different about this one?

I guess you wouldn't have guessed that you would be sorry to learn that he wasn't different.

Considering that Dday1 also starts with "just friends", you can't be sure where "just a hug" could get to. I think a detailed timeline is needed for A1 as well. Do you know who the AP1 is?

The questions of the polygraph test need to change in line with new developments.

BlueRaspberry posted 4/20/2021 19:11 PM

MrFlibble,

You should consider modifying the questions you developed based on this new development. Here are some examples:

1. Were there any affairs (EA or PA) during your marriage other than the EA 7 years ago and the EA/PA this last year?
2. Did you have intercourse with any other man during your marriage?
3. Did you have oral sex or any other kind of sexual contact with any other man during your marriage besides what was already admitted?
4. Was there in any kind of mutual contact with any other man during your marriage after you requested NC and/or an end to the EA/PA?
5. Did she send explicit pictures of herself to any other man during your marriage besides what was already admitted?

Booyah posted 4/20/2021 19:13 PM

As others have said continue on with the poly no matter what else she wants to confess beforehand and there most certainly will be more!!

Justaguy61 posted 4/20/2021 19:15 PM

Oh man, what a roller coaster. Let me suggest that you have been so adamant that if ANYTHING more than what she has already admitted is found... it is over. This means she cannot tell you even if she wanted to. Is this what you want? Perhaps tell her you have given it a great deal of thought and realize you have put her in an impossible situation honesty wise. Tell her that the only possibility to truly reconcile will be 100% honesty and you grant her today and tomorrow to do exactly that. See if she has anything more to add under those terms. Of course if she does you can always decide it is a deal breaker... best of luck on all of this.

Talisman posted 4/20/2021 20:21 PM

Regardless of the poly outcome, she needs to think hard and offer you some kind of explanation as to why she keeps getting into these situations with male coworkers - where she embarks on the start of an affair each time! What is missing or so broken in her life and relationship with you that she feels the need to do this each time?

UnderCover posted 4/20/2021 20:37 PM

should consider modifying the questions you developed based on this new development. Here are some examples:

1. Were there any affairs (EA or PA) during your marriage other than the EA 7 years ago and the EA/PA this last year?
2. Did you have intercourse with any other man during your marriage?
3. Did you have oral sex or any other kind of sexual contact with any other man during your marriage besides what was already admitted?
4. Was there in any kind of mutual contact with any other man during your marriage after you requested NC and/or an end to the EA/PA?
5. Did she send explicit pictures of herself to any other man during your marriage besides what was already admitted?

THIS

grubs posted 4/20/2021 21:17 PM

When is the LD test? If this is the last of it and she's able to pass the test that's much better than I was expecting. If she had fvcked anyone she wouldn't have bothered disclosing this at this seems rather minor in comparison. If she passes and you entertain any thoughts of R in the future, meeting with her IC with waived privacy would be mandatory in my mind before making that decision. We know shes broken in a way that has allowed her to stray. You need to know how and if it's fixable.

Dignitas posted 4/20/2021 21:31 PM

We are 48 pages in and I can recall at least 3-4 different instances of trickle truth where people have been shocked. It’s time to stop being surprised. This is who your wife is.

Did you ever imagine a polygraph being a part of your marriage? Imagine not even needing to know what a “parking lot confession” is. A relationship without this bullshit is still out there for you. Your wife is doing a pretty good job thus far of trying to convince you that you won’t find it with her.

By SI standards, the EA she described is pretty negligible, but the accumulated dishonesty and timing of the confession are, as you’ve already expressed, quite bad.

Some people have made good suggestions for the poly. I hope the surprises are over for you, but I wouldn’t say I’m optimistic.

[This message edited by Dignitas at 9:33 PM, April 20th (Tuesday)]

ramius posted 4/20/2021 22:42 PM

Unbelievable.

I give her a day before she breaks and tells me they had been fvcking since the beginning.

IMO...

Chances she F’ed him....95% (her most recent AP)

Chances she actually confesses it .......20%

Sceadugenga posted 4/21/2021 00:26 AM

If she were to do some genuine introspection, I suspect she (and you, subsequently) might realise that there have been many more instances of "inappropriate behaviour" (flirting, texting, badmouthing the husband, younameit) with other men.

Ladies, correct me if I'm wrong, but I strongly believe a woman always knows it when someone is hitting on her in one way or another. With good boundaries, she will nip it in the bud, rather than engaging in something increasingly inappropriate. If anything inappropriate happens, we should assume voluntary participation on her part. Am I right?

By the looks of it, your wife is an attention seeker, Mr Flibble and she may forever remain one. With that, the chances of you ever reaching adequate peace of mind are getting ever so slimmer.

MrFlibble posted 4/21/2021 03:26 AM

Another sleepless night.

To answer at least some of your questions and concerns.

1) the poly will absolutely happen. I am in a contact with the company and we are rephrasing questions again. The guy actually chuckled when I told him about her latest confession. Told me this happens ALL THE TIME.

2) W knows the questions. What she doesn't know is that there is only five of them that will actually be asked. She's under assumption she will have to answer all ten.

3) I had no idea about the other guy from 7 years ago. None. I don't remember her acting weird, coming home later, being unreachable on her phone, being secretive. I have to admit, at that point in our lives we drifted apart a little bit. We were both working long hours, we just started our careers so it was given. But we talked about it a we pushed through because we knew this was only temporary. She said last night she dealt with it in the worst possible way and asked for forgivness.

4) She's working with her IC on a way of adressing this in not a self-destructing way. She has troubles with self-worth and seeks validation from outside. Her IC called her "immature for her age" when it comes to interpersonal relationship and when dealing with a stressful situations. There is a ton of work to do on this

5) Her complains about me were based on her problems with external validation. I simply didn't pay her enough attention, I was working long hours (but so was she) so she came to a conclusion I probably do not like her that much. Isn't that great?

6) still claims she wasn't looking for anything more than a friendship. Then he started complimenting her and its an old story from there.

7) I don't know the guy. She gave me his name, I don't rememeber him, it's been too long. I thought about finding him but I don't see a point in doing that after 7 years.

8) I asked her if there were more, she denies, denies, denies

9) The poly is this Friday at 3pm, I will drive her there but I am not allowed to be in the room with her. We should get results within 24 hours, but with a weekend we were told we won't get them sooner than Monday

faithfulman posted 4/21/2021 07:29 AM

3) I had no idea about the other guy from 7 years ago. None. I don't remember her acting weird, coming home later, being unreachable on her phone, being secretive. I have to admit, at that point in our lives we drifted apart a little bit.

You're taking at least partial responsibility for maybe your wife's behavior, but also not realizing her behavior was secretive and weird.

The real problem is that your wife can live a secret life of betrayal and not even bat an eyelash.

Also she can live a secret life of betrayal and tell herself it is no problem and not even care about how she has behaved toward you. It doesn't bother her at all.

PLEASE NOTICE: The only thing that has truly caused her any personal angst is that she was caught and that she was "in trouble".


We were both working long hours, we just started our careers so it was given. But we talked about it a we pushed through because we knew this was only temporary. She said last night she dealt with it in the worst possible way and asked for forgivness.


This is what normal long-time couples building a life and family go through.

Sure there is pressure. Pressure reveals character.

That part I bolded in the last quote? There is gonna be a lot of that from your wife.

4) She's working with her IC on a way of adressing this in not a self-destructing way. She has troubles with self-worth and seeks validation from outside. Her IC called her "immature for her age" when it comes to interpersonal relationship and when dealing with a stressful situations. There is a ton of work to do on this


I still don't like this shared therapist model. Please, even if you keep the shared therapist, get one for yourself.

You must see by now that your wife has been lying your therapist the whole time as well, and that information gets fed to you via the therapist.

"This was the only time, we only went this far, I am so sorry and remorseful, I'll do anything!!" etc. and then that information gets sent along to you.

Did the therapist ever say to you or her "she's obviously lying her ass off"?

***

Having said that, your therapist was absolutely right, that she is immature. But that is a soft, "kid-gloves" assessment.

Unfortunately, and this is why therapy for cheaters is mostly bullshit, your wife is also untrustworthy, selfish, callous, and dishonorable. She is just not a loyal person.

This accountability cannot be externally implanted by a therapist, it's really a character issue.

***

Mr Flibble, Whatever your wife did or did not "do" with whatever men she has been playing around with on the side during your relationship, you have to ask yourself: Can you live with a person who has such poor character?

Granted, you're both relatively young, but you are also both full-fledged adults.

I am not a big proponent of people changing their character. It happens, but it is not very common.

Time to think about what kind of person you want to share your life with going forward, in addition to specific events and acts.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 9:45 AM, April 21st (Wednesday)]

MrFlibble posted 4/21/2021 07:31 AM

I was just putting a skype meeting into my callendar and I realized in exactly two weeks I will be divorced. I had that feeling you get when you miss a step

I made myself think this is what I want, but maybe I am just fooling myself.

Txquail posted 4/21/2021 08:04 AM

Mr F.

You absolutely should go thru the divorce.

Your wife now admits to two affairs. She wouldn't have admitted to the second one but felt she had to because she was going to fail the poly if she didn't come clean now. That's how much disrespect she had for you. She was keeping more secrets from you and she had absolutely no intentions of ever telling you unless she was going to get caught.

You thought you knew this woman, but it appears she has been playing you for a years now. Actually nearly a decade. Her affair "Supposedly first affair" was 7 years ago, it ended, then later she has the most recent one.

From your previous post, she tells you that she needs attention from other men because she feels you weren't giving her enough attention. That right there would piss me off. She had the affair because SHE CHOSE to, not because of you. That right there is blame shifting. I wouldn't put up with it at all.

When I had issues with my first Ex-Wife, I went to her and told her how I felt. What I believe I needed. Etc... I was working to stay within our marriage. When my Ex-Wife had issues, she didn't go to me so I could work on it, but someone outside the marriage. The B.S. part of it, she said she was trying get help fixing the marriage. Yeah right, going to another dude destroys the marriage, not fix it.

grubs posted 4/21/2021 09:01 AM

I was just putting a skype meeting into my callendar and I realized in exactly two weeks I will be divorced. I had that feeling you get when you miss a step
I made myself think this is what I want, but maybe I am just fooling myself.

One foot in front of the other. The next week is going to be almost as bad as dday. You made it through that, you'll get through this. You still have three more days of potential additional confessions and the weekend waiting for the results. Any one of those can push you back to certainty. Concentrate on just getting through that for now.

MrFlibble posted 4/21/2021 09:18 AM

I know, I come here in my moments of weakness to get a proper beating I need. So thank you. And I don't mean that sarcastically

The divorce will happen, don't worry about that. It's just that I saw a date (May 5th) and it downed on me that I will be divorced on that day. It's hard to come on terms with it, that's all. I think you understand.

We do not have the same IC, the last time we had one was in January? Not sure about the exact date since most of my days are all the same, like a Groundhog day. Stupid lockdowns. I have my own IC now.

Did the therapist ever say to you or her "she's obviously lying her ass off"?
Not that I know of. But I know my W got a firm talking to when it was revealed she lied to me and to her therapist. No idea how effective that was, but apparently not much. I don't think any amount of conuseling will do much if the change won't come from within my wife. Which, sadly, hasn't happend yet. Who knows if it ever will.

..your wife is also untrustworthy, selfish, callous, and dishonorable. She is just not a loyal person.
Hard to read, but probably very true. Could that change? Is it even possible or is just my wishful thinking? I belive that person who cherished me, our family is still there. I see her every day. Or maybe I am just lying to myself like almost every BS. We see what we wish to see.

I have also been thinking about our kids and how all this will shatter their little world. With lockdowns, closed kindergartens, working from home and all that I can see how much they fixated on me and W. We are all they got now. The thought of sticking it "for the kids" came to my mind many times over the last few weeks and it's tempting. But I said to myself I will not do this, it's not a healthy attitude and it leads only to an all-embracing misery of everyone involved. Yet, how can we (or I) not fight more for this family? Did I give up too easily? I am sorry for yet another nonsensical rant, I drink a bit today and I get moody when I drink sometimes.

I will try to stay away for now, at least until the poly. But I will read your messages, so please do continue with your advice an encouraging words. It means a lot to me

DanielJK posted 4/21/2021 09:39 AM

Mr. Flibble

I know how you feel. I know I’m getting divorced, but every time I get a notice from the court…a reminder on my calendar for a court date…a notice that a former joint account is now closed…it hurts.

I can’t begin to give you the great advice you receive from others here. Just wanted you to know that I know how you feel. It’s not unusual to feel this way. Wishing you strength in the next few weeks. My divorce will be final about the same time.

faithfulman posted 4/21/2021 10:03 AM

I belive that person who cherished me, our family is still there. I see her every day. Or maybe I am just lying to myself like almost every BS. We see what we wish to see.

Again, the problem isn't you. The face your wife presented to you and presents to you even more now that she is caught - that is the face you believed in! Because that is who you know. That has happened to every single one of us.

Now here is what I believe - this person who is okay with going behind your back and does things that she knows would destroy her marriage (And/or lies to herself about the nature of this activity, but at the same time keeps it a secret because she actually does know how wrong it is... Cheater-brain!) is who she always was.

That does not mean she always felt the need to be disloyal and acted upon it. At some point in the "honeymoon days" early on in the marriage she was probably so totally in love with you and the idea of the life you were building that she did not feel the need to sample attention from the outside.

But things change when people get used to each other, and job + family pressures become part of the equation. That is when the "real you" starts to surface.

Ultimately, the problem is you cannot simultaneously be a loyal, honest spouse and be a loose-boundaried cheater at the same time.

***

So the "true face" is the one she did not show you, and the same one that she will not show you in any way since she has been caught, because of self-preservation.

Wife Face for you: I know my wife is an honest person who tells me the truth, even if it is difficult to say.

True Face: My wife does what she wants to behind my back and lies/keeps secrets from me. When confronted, she lies some more, until she is cornered or somehow "jolted" in letting out some truth.

***


This is extremely difficult to accept. You've been married for 13 years. Your heart and mind work at different paces. Right now your heart is still with your family.

It's tough on you because it seems like you are all heart Mr Flibble.

But you're also "all smart". Choose your path wisely, you are a young man.

I am so sorry about the affect this will have on your children. I totally relate.

Good luck.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 1:58 PM, April 21st (Wednesday)]

Txquail posted 4/21/2021 10:14 AM

Mr F.

When I got my divorce, I went through with it even though I was a bit scared. I was scared because I would be on my own for the first time in a long time. I was afraid of the unknown.

Now after I got the divorce, about 6 months to a year after it was final, I can tell you, it was the best decision I could have done.

I no longer worried about what my ex-wife was doing, I didn't have to worry about "what now" when it came to her. Or how is she going to destroy me emotionally again.

As far as your kids go. If you are in a relationship that you are miserable. They will see this, even if you put on your best happy game. If you have your own place, when the kids are with you, they'll see you being happy and you'll actually have a lot more "quality" time with your children. TRUST ME. You can't see it right now, but it will be better.

The same thing can be said of you. Right now your emotions and stress levels are going every direction. There is no stability for you. You wake up wondering what crap you're going to discover today. Your world as you knew it is gone. You've discovered the one person you should trust wasn't worth trusting. However, this will change when you are out of the marriage. You don't have to worry about her anymore, but you can concentrate on you and the time you'll have with your children.

Yes, scary times are ahead of you, but like many of us, you'll get thru this and realize later that this was the best thing that could happen to you.

For me, after the divorce was final, I could sleep through the night not worrying about my ex. I also enrolled in a gym where I could work on my fitness. A fit body helps the mind heal also! You'd be surprised how much you can lift or how long you can do cardio to take once you use that trapped energy in you and put it to good use.

I'm not going to lie, the next couple of months is going to be hard. But after that you'll find things much better.

That woman who has your number, be open to her after your divorce. Going out with someone else will definitely help you out.

When you start dating in the future, make sure you have "boundaries" set. Let whomever you date down the road know how you were cheated on and how you got a divorce. Yeah it might suck to tell someone the story over again, but it will tell that woman that if she ever cheats on you, you'll leave.

I feel for you man, I really do.

Been there, done it, have the Tee-Shirt. I wish no one would earn the Tee-Shirt in life, but heck there's too many deceitful people out there.

Sceadugenga posted 4/21/2021 10:17 AM

So the "true face" is the one she did not show you, and the same one that she will not show you in any way since she has been caught, because of self-preservation.

The Japanese have the concept of three faces:

- the face you show to the outside world
- the face you show to your nearest and dearest
- the inner face you never show to anyone

I mildly disagree with the last notion, though. I think the last face is the one that shows itself (whether we want it or not) when things get tough and life is no more about rainbow-farting unicorns.

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