SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone. Sorry for the lack of abbreviations for my story- I'm 44 as is my wife and we have been together 22 years, married 17. Our first daughter was born in 11/06 and right after she was born, for some reason I started to suspect my wife was acting a bit sketchy. I checked the phone records and saw a number she was speaking to every day. For someone anti social and without many friends, I thought it was weird, but she fed me some bullshit about it being a work friend and wife who called to see how she and the baby was.

Since we moved in together in 2001, our relationship I guess could be described as lacking any affection from her and a dead bedroom. I never suspected any cheating because I figured she was kinda asexual. From about 2010 on, I had enough and would look online for woman to have an affair with, but could never act on it. Probably due to my insecurities.

For the last 4 years as the misery continued, I was trying to find a way to leave because nothing was getting better, just worse. A year ago at this time we decided to seperate, only to stay together as my mom was dying. My mom passed in February and that was just the beginning of a great year!! As with alot of people, my business suffered from the Pandemic and we had to shut our doors after 42 years of being in business, and I had to sell my commercial property. (Did not get nearly enough) At this time I told my wife that with all the loss, I was ready to leave the marriage and start new. She promised me to give her until the end of the year to make the decision.

During this argument in October, I finally got my wife to admit to cheating. It was a just one time thing, co worker, had sex once, just playing like high school kids. It was back before I got pregnant. Yeah right, I thought. My wife also has had a problem with lying our entire relationship, small, big, it doesn't matter. Over the next few weeks, I tried to get her to tell me the truth but she insisted that she was. Finally about 10 days ago, I told her that she needed to write out the whole story of the affair, as I needed to know the truth to consider healing and to know that the first step in telling the truth would be done. What I got was lies, name was wrong, dates were wrong, sex still once, no oral even thought she admitted prior she had. She swore on our kids lives it was the truth.

Last Sunday I finally told my wife that she needed to contact the other woman and come clean as I need to see her do something that requires effort. She refused as she didn't want to mess up his family. At that point I knew how she felt about our marriage, I told her it was over and I contacted the other woman. The other woman had found out about the affair in 2007, confronted her husband and my wife, and it ended. The other wife never contacted me to tell me. I guess in 2016, he had a mental breakdown and came clean that it was 3 or 4 times, always with condom, and sometimes in my house after my daughter was born. He told my wife they started having sex after my wife was pregnant with my child. I was destroyed and confronted my wife. She sorted came clean, but only after I had the information and tested her with it. Two days of information overload, entire range of emotions, totally emasculated because she had more sex in 12 months with this guy than we had to three or four years combined. The other wife and I started to question the paternity of my daughter and I ran to the drugstore, took the test with my daughter (told her it was for 23 and me), and mailed it away. That brought me to Wednesday am. My wife starts having a panic attack and she proceeds to tell me that before she got pregnant, she had a drunken one night stand unprotected at a friend's boyfriend's house with someone she didn't or doesn't know. Wow. Good thing my bday is the next day!

At this point she goes to work, and as I am home with the kids, I quietly destroy everything I bought her or we got together. I blow up her FB and within minutes, my friends and family are calling and reaching out. I tell everyone everything. It feels so good to get it out and ruin her life!! I tell my wife I am going to tell her parents and she says she will tell the first.

Thursday is XMas Eve, my bday. We aren't speaking. I'm looking to move out after the holidays, but I tell her she needs to leave as I am home with the kids doing remote learning and until I find a new job, she can leave. At this point she has another panic attack, and proceeds to tell me that her father told her she needs to come clean with everything and get it out there. So she then proceeds to tell me that about a year after we got married, she would blow one of my ex coworkers for weed, because I would always limit how much she got or smoked. I guess it happened a few times. Then after her affair ended, she would sometime blow a salesman at the dealership she worked at for weed as well. I guess when our second was born (looks exactly like me), she decided to stop everything and be a good wife. Except she never was.

Sorry for going on soo long. After she came clean the other day, It took me a bit to realize that she maybe did just make the first step. I'm not at committed to divorce as I was a few days ago, but we both are going to spend a couple of nights a week at our parents house and start keeping distance as we both work through MC and IC. I don't know how I would respect myself in the future if I reconcile. I really fell like this is just all different things testing me and its time to not only take the tests, but fucking ace them. Help if you got it

You have a serial-cheating wife who would blow other men for weed (a form of payment) - AKA a "Prostitute".

She was content to lie to you about her serial cheating including the possibility that one of your children is not biologically yours.

You need to think really hard about why you would continue a life with this person. Would it be a good use of your time on this earth? Would you be doing good for yourself?

Think it over.

Good luck.

IMO you need to think. Sounds to me like your marriage has never been good.

A big dose of hopium is the last thing you need right now.

[This message edited by Marz at 2:46 PM, December 26th (Saturday)]

So...you were ready to leave the marriage...and then you find out the depths of your WW's cheating--and how are you absolutely sure you even reached the bottom--you want to stay and recover. You do get that this is not going to work out well right?

she then proceeds to tell me that about a year after we got married, she would blow one of my ex coworkers for weed

Means she's been lying to you for 16 years.

Having sex in your home with another man is so low. Her sense of right and wrong is very abnormal.

I think reconciling your marriage with you being happy would be a tall order.

So sorry man about all this. I really hope the DNA test confirms your paternity.

Please ask yourself WHAT exactly you will get from reconciliation.

You stated:

She’s a habitual chronic liar

Dead bedroom

You suspect she’s asexual (but she has sex with others)

She’s cheated more than 2X that you know of

You have not been happy for years

I’m just trying to make sure you will be happy and fulfilled in your marriage if you decide to reconcile. Do you think your wife will change?

Outside of your kids what is your wife putting into the marriage. From what I have read it is hard for me to find anything that makes you want to stay? Also what was the results of the 23andme?

Outside of your kids what is your wife putting into the marriage. From what I have read it is hard for me to find anything that makes you want to stay? Also what was the results of the 23andme?

Outside of your kids what is your wife putting into the marriage. From what I have read it is hard for me to find anything that makes you want to stay? Also what was the results of the 23andme?

I think I was hoping with her finally going to IC and us trying MC after, it might make it worth it as long as effort and changes were there. I thought about it for the kids and partly financial. But I also came into some $$ selling my property that she absolutely cannot get her hands on. Her mother, like her, cheated and my wife caught her a few times coming home from school. Her dad is not her real dad. Her mom got pregnant while they were dating and he was in Vietnam. I guess she has alot of daddy issues along with other issues. I have issues as well. At this point I'm trying to improve myself before putting myself out there for other women and to see my worth to the opposite sex.

I would hold off on putting yourself "out there" at the moment. Take some time first. You have to figure out your current situation before moving on to a new one. Seriously, think about the outcomes 1. You could hurt someone else like you hurt now, or 2. You drag someone else into the mess your in now. I just don't see how it helps at the moment. Get out if infidelity first, then recuperate.

Just my opinion but MC probably will not be helpful at the moment. Stick to IC for the time being. The first session of MC i went to the counselor asked about our "love languages," told us we should have date nights, and then recommend a book on tantric sex...not even close to helpful to someone who just experienced betrayal trauma. You need help with betrayal trauma first (look it up).

As far as staying together you need time to think. If you're like me you still love her regardless, I get it. But you have to be happy. It sounds like she has a lot of work ahead of her to get you there. She should be moving mountains at this point. Is she? If not you're going to be uncomfortable and that is no way to live.

She has work to do not you. You focus on dealing with your betrayal trauma. Take care of yourself.

Read the stuff in the healing library, it's very helpful

I think I was hoping with her finally going to IC and us trying MC after, it might make it worth it as long as effort and changes were there.

Of course it is much easier for strangers to say "leave this woman!" than it is for you.

However, it sounds like you are trying to fix her up into a decent human being worth staying with.

Other than time, sentimentality, kids and such - which are all powerful forces by the way - why would you want to fix her up so you can stay with her?

Dude, step back for a moment and analyze what you have learned about your wife and shared with us. How she has conducted her life and the offenses she has committed against you are nothing short of DISGUSTING.

We're not just talking about "regular cheating". We're talking about fucking your coworkers, trading sex for drugs, and putting your biological parenthood in question.

And if you think she has truly "come clean" with you, you should know that she has not. People like her never come clean. She'll tell as much as she is forced to, but she will always hold back the depths of how bad she has really done you (and herself for that matter.)

This is the nature of cheaters. They lie, and then when they are done lying, they add some more lies.

Truth is, if you could spend your life with the next woman you randomly laid eyes on, the chances are overwhelmingly high that you would have a better mate.

Think it over before you invest in therapy for her, or couples therapy. If you are still on the fence, and maybe you want to reconcile, then learn what you are truly reconciling from: Get a detailed timeline from her, tell her that she will be subject to a polygraph question if she has admitted to all her cheating. Either she will refuse or you will learn a lot more.

But either way you will have a better idea of what you are trying to reconcile with.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 6:14 PM, December 26th (Saturday)]

Dude, step back for a moment and analyze what you have learned about your wife and shared with us. How she has conducted her life and the offenses she has committed against you are nothing short of DISGUSTING.

We're not just talking about "regular cheating". We're talking about fucking your coworkers, trading sex for drugs, and putting your biological parenthood in question.

I guess I just did. Thanks for putting it the way all my friends didn't. I'm soo hurt that the little details don't even matter. I'm having processing all the different types of betrayal in all aspects of what I thought was a marriage.

I was soo scared of leaving and probably being lonely even though I was lonely in this relationship. I thought I only needed to confirm she has cheated on me to move on. I thought I may have been a one time hook up or a small little fling a while ago. I got more than I ever could've imagined. I'm pretty sure I won't regret finding out the truth and whatever details I've gotten so far.

There is nothing wrong with this being a dealbreaker for you.

I’ve said countless times that marriage is like a stool in that it relies on three legs. In marriage those legs are love, respect, and trust.

I’m sorry, but all three are missing from your marriage.

Love: do you really think she loves you? Certainly not any definition of “love” that most people would recognize. How could she love you and bounce from different man’s bed to different man’s bed, or blowing different men for weed. She took some to your house to do them????? She may have gotten knocked up by one of the slime balls and possibly passed off the baby as your child???? And NOW you have a dead bedroom????? Now she has caused you such pain that it feels like you will NEVER be able to be happy again. Does that sound like she loves you???

Respect: she is NOT EVEN CLOSE to respecting f you. If she did, she never would have cheated once, let alone countless times with multiple men, including in your own house (and your bed???). Would a woman that respected you try to pass off another man’s child as yours? I’m sorry, but you must know that she is worried what the DNA test will show. And would a woman that respects her husband allow a dead bedroom to exist???

Finally, Trust: you will never trust her again. Anytime she is five or ten minutes late, you will ALWAYS wonder if she is with her another man giving him a blowjob or in his back seat with her legs spread.

Don’t feel pressure to make any decision. There is nothing wrong stating that her chronic cheating, her complete disrespect for you, passing off possibly another man’s child off as being 100% your child is a dealbreaker.

Do what is best FOR YOU!!!

Don’t make any promises to her!

Continue to tell everyone, including your kids. They need to know the truth,. Don’t allow your wife to rewrite the history of your marriage!!

And DON’T fear the future where you are single. I’m 50ish and getting divorced was the best decision of my life. I too thought I had a loving and faithful life. But I’m not having more fun than at any time in my life. I promise that once women hear that you are getting divorced because your wife cheated, the women will be coming after you.

Good luck and stay strong!

I was soo scared of leaving and probably being lonely even though I was lonely

In my opinion, you have come to accept what should be an unacceptable relationship.

My happily married coworkers sometimes joke that they'd never get divorced because it'd take too long to train another one.

Do you feel you've been trained to accept a sexless, joyless M?

It might be hard to break out of the mold you feel comfortable in, and I bet she's counting on that.

I'm sorry but your WW has lied to you basically from the get go, your M is a sham, you deserve so much better than a SERIAL CHEATER and a compulsive liar, get tested for STDs ASAP, she's been putting your health at risk, infidelity aside, you had a dead bedroom and a bad relationship with her, not much to save if anything. Save yourself, RUN !!!

Sorry man, but IMO, you never really had a marriage. Maybe on paper, but not in real life.

You had a roommate, with boyfriends, that got pregnant, while prostituting herself for weed.

IMO nothing here to save, so save yourself.

What stands out for me is that the actions your wife has taken are some seriously low-boundary behaviours. It’s not only serial cheating but actions like blowing different guys for weed also sounds like dependency issues with weed and is basically prostitution.

Your wife really should be on her own and trying to fix herself and her behavioural issues before you even consider reconciling or she will always return to these behaviours and will never be a safe partner.

Though I agree with the others to be honest, if you can find the strength to leave then do so. Few people really change and nothing indicates that she has seen there is a need to do so.

Don’t fear being alone, I did because i don’t make friends easily and only have one or two. Separation and living alone has been so much better than I thought it would be. Sometimes I feel a bit lonely but the peace and contentment i feel from not thinking or worrying about him makes it so worth it and once out of lockdown, I can start to get to know people. You can too

[This message edited by Jambomo at 5:17 AM, December 27th (Sunday)]

If you feel like you need to have more information than you already have you might consider a polygraph. As has already been said and repeated in your thread cheater lie, then lie, then lie some more. You've said you don't think she's come clean either. A common thought is that they admit to only what they think you already know. Definitely the case with my XWW.

You already know quite a bit. She'd whore herself out for weed. She had more sex with a guy in a short period of time than with you over a longer period. There's a question about your oldest child's parentage. She had sex in your home where she wasn't having sex with you. If she was blowing one or more at the dealership you can believe other's knew about it so it might have been more than confessed. And more. It's a lot.

It seems to me, though, that you want more. The timeline provided was fiction and incomplete. If you consider a poly we here on SI can provide advice.

What is the foundation after 17 years of marriage that a new marriage can be built on? From your brief description there doesn't seem to be much. It would be rebuilding the marriage on the same sand it was made on before. Not solid. Not secure. Shaky at best.

You are leaning way too heavily to reconciling.

She seems to only want to fix things when her back is against the wall.

She has lots of daddy issues from all the cheating and probably her dad resenting her a bit. Do you want your kids to have those same issues?

Also, she resented you limiting her weed intake so she easily gave away what she never was giving you.

We are telling you to stay defensive and not offer reconciling until she moves heaven and earth. Otherwise she will do just enough to heal you without committing to the effort.