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Not sure if he is "the one"

HappyTree posted 12/17/2020 09:05 AM

So, I've had this boyfriend for almost a year now. He really is a great guy. Cooks for me, brings me breakfast in bed whenever I stay over. Our children love each other (we have 5 total). He has his PhD. My dad has had serious health issues and will die soon and my boyfriend has really been there for me.

One big issue I keep on seeing is with his ex. We met online and he told me that he filed for divorce 9 months ago. I usually don't date guys that are not fully divorced but I made an exception for this guy. I figured that his divorce would be final any day. Maybe he didn't need as much time to find himself as I did.

Fast forward, he is still technically married. It has now been almost two years since he filed. He could have been divorced a month ago, but then both parties decided to go to court because they couldn't agree on the custody for fathers day/mothers day. I mean, this guy spent over $1,000 just so a judge would say if fathers day should be a day or a weekend. Then when a judge sided with his ex, he was upset and felt like the judge wouldn't listen to him.

There have been other issues with his ex. He was upset that she took the leaf blower and after being separated for over 18 months he couldn't believe that he couldn't get it back. He is upset that his ex still has all the toys at her house. This guy makes a decent salary, why doesn't he just buy new toys for his house? Like half of his daughter's toys were from me.

So I'm just not sure what is going on. He is learning that I just don't care about his weekly complaints about his ex, but just because he isn't talking about it as much, doesn't mean he is actually over it.

I know how this sounds, but I'm wondering if we might need a break this summer when Covid is about over and I have other things to do.

AnnieOakley posted 12/17/2020 12:39 PM

My absolute line in the sand is dating separated or less than 6 months from a LT relationship. I know people heal differently but Iím not willing to help them do so. Iíve seen a few relationships in real life that seemed to only have the common denominator of drama from a divorce, family issues, etc. Once that was settled, the relationship seemed to fizzle out too.

Disclaimer of no children, but if they canít even agree on Motherís and Fatherís Day being the day or a full weekend and heís upset over toys and a leaf blower....IMHO he is still wrapped up in being right or winning.

No clue if that means he is still hung up on her, but two years is a long time. I know CV19 delayed with closing and backlogs.

Is the ex a topic of conversation often? (I see you mention he is learning...) How does he talk about her? Respectful in front of all the children regarding her? Why are they divorcing?

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 12:41 PM, December 17th (Thursday)]

Charity411 posted 12/17/2020 15:30 PM

AnnieOakley is spot on. And if you are asking yourself and us if you might need a break, you probably do. Relationships are hard enough without being part of the cleanup crew for the last one.

HalfTime2017 posted 12/17/2020 19:09 PM

Sounds like he is still pretty bitter about the ex situation. So if you feel the need to exit right, thats okay too. But if you feel that he is one the, and the ex issue will go away, give the man a chance to fix this. Let him know, you don't want to hear about the ex any longer, and that if he feels still so utterly bitter, maybe he needs IC help.

Find the right now is hard. So if you think this might be the right one, but the timing is just a little off, see what can be done.

The1stWife posted 12/17/2020 20:13 PM

Maybe he needs a professional counselor.

Suggest it and see what happens.

Westway posted 12/18/2020 10:03 AM

You need to slow the hell down and not dive in so hard with this guy. You are setting yourself up for a hosing.

messyleslie posted 12/18/2020 10:36 AM

Isnít there some quote about people show you who they really are during a divorce? Sounds like he petty and bitter. If he was putting himself and his kids first and was healthy emotionally worrying about a leaf blower wouldnít even be worth having an additional conversation with his ex. An extra day a year wouldnít be worth prolonging his divorce.

Karmafan posted 12/18/2020 15:15 PM

Happy Tree, reading your post, I got a touch of PTSD. I also started dating my ex when he was still technically married and fighting over custody, assets etc. He was, of course, so Ďoverí his ex, although, in retrospect, she absolutely dominated all of our conversations. I was there to validate and soothe, an emotional band-aid of sort. As Annie Oakley said, drama was the glue that kept all the odd pieces stuck together.

Now, you have only been in this for a year and are still hopeful that things might turn out ok. This guy is good on paper, you like him a lot, yet something feels off. In my experience, when you are dating someone who is still wrapped up in conflict and drama with their exes, it rarely ends well. He might tell you on repeat that he hates her (and if he hates her, then he must be over her, right?), but make no mistake, if he is getting so worked up over a leaf blower, sheís still very much under his skin.

It took me three years to pull the plug. And I realised that, when you embark on a relationship with an emotionally unavailable guy, that rarely changes. It is one doomed investment

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