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After 43 years....

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HouseOfPlane posted 3/20/2021 07:43 AM

I would like to know when she scratched me off as her husband and/or replaced me with OM. It would serve no purpose whatsoever at this stage but somehow I would like to know. Morbidity? Self mutilation? Probably but I'd like to know.
I'd also like to know if some situation that came back to me from memory the last several months were accidental or planned.
She isnít the person you thought she was. She obviously (now) had a whole, complete second life going on these past years, and you got to enjoy her facade. She finally dropped the curtain for you, which changes the whole narrative for that past.

Itís mind-blowing, but it is also endlessly fascinating on a bunch of different levels. Just who the heck is this person, that can do such a thing?

As you note, her actions back then take on a whole meaning now. She controlled the narrative back then. Every time you figure out what actually happened (why she ran ahead) you take back control. Sheíll likely not want you to figure out out. She was able to manipulate what you think before, this uncovering of the truth is a sign of her losing that control.

Sheís not the person you thought she was. Who she was in your mind was the result of a story she told you to manipulate you. At least she cared enough to #$& with your head?

The more you can step back, detach, and just see her without immediately connecting itís impact on you, the better. Your emotional connection to her hides the truth and gives her the means to hide it. Even short bursts of detachedness can really help see the truth of things, and The Truth is what you need now.

Sending strength!

RealityBlows posted 3/20/2021 13:58 PM

Dan, I want answers for the inexplicable just as you. I was married 25 awesome years, three kids, Barbie Dream House, mutual friends, approaching a long awaited and mutually planned dream retirement, memories, then-BAMM!!

Itís like the woman I spent my life with was suddenly, gone. No longer exists. Someone else wears her skin now.

Everyday I wonder WTF happened? Why. How.

Youíre 67. Donít waste too much time hyperanalyzing and hyper processing the most bitchiní D terms possible with a dream team of expensive lawyers who would just love to research every little detail at $250-$500/hr. to maximize your Post D return. Just ensure you have what you need to provide for a decent quality of life, avoiding any latent resentment and get out of there. Just GTFO. Thereís no problem too big you canít run away from

Donít waste ANY time trying to figure your STBXW out, get satisfying closure or trying to maintain a post D relationship with her. Youíll just be banging your head against the wall. Just GTFO.

Spend all your time on you, your golf game and that next beautiful lady who would love to spend her Golden Years with you making new memories. If you do find someone new, she will demand that you focus on her, leave the past behind and lock those 43 years away, deep, in a special place you donít visit very often.

Iím almost 60 and ďon borrowed timeĒ secondary to the hazards of a long dangerous career. Iím remarried to a gorgeous wonderful woman who treats me very, very well and has made the past fall rapidly behind as we move forward with impressive exciting inertia. Weíve taken everything weíve learned from our cumulative life experiences and apply it all towards maximizing our quality of life and future endeavors.

Make the most of what good years you have left and do it now.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 2:07 PM, March 20th (Saturday)]

Dan90254 posted 3/20/2021 16:57 PM

Thanks.
I will.
My next life will start beginning of May when I move out and leave all the trauma and pain of the last 4 months behind me.
Having said that I canít help noticing that she is acting si ce Monday like sheís done nothing wrong and Iím pretty sure that she goes around telling people that she just found love and that was nothing she could have done to spare us this situation.
If the roles had been reversed me being the cheating lying wayward husband Iíd be the last of the POS.

HouseOfPlane posted 3/20/2021 20:12 PM

Thereís no problem too big you canít run away from
That's a keeper
impressive exciting inertia.
Uhhh, momentum?

RealityBlows posted 3/20/2021 20:34 PM

Thanks Rocket Scientist nerd !

Uhhh, momentum?

She is the momentum to my resistant inertia

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:42 PM, March 20th (Saturday)]

Buster123 posted 3/22/2021 09:54 AM

After such a huge betrayal, once the ink is dry I would just GHOST her for life and don't even speak a single word to her, so don't fall for the "let's be friends" BS, it's not for you, it's to assuage her guilt and to save face with mutual friends.

I really admire you for your strength in dealing with her and even picking her up and dropping her off at the airport after her huge betrayal, I understand based on your circumstances and since she's entitled to more, that you're playing the longer game until everything is finalized with the D, I'm not so sure I could do it if I was in your shoes but I know it's the smart thing to do to have more money for your retirement and live a better life without her, just don't over do it and keep interactions to the very minimum.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 9:56 AM, March 22nd (Monday)]

ShutterHappy posted 3/23/2021 08:37 AM

I would like her to give me an account a sort of timeline with her states of mind and emotions while her affair started, blossomed and progressed to the point that she now practically lives with the guy.

Nobody likes to be the bad guy. Cheaters are expert in lying to others and themselves. What you will get (if she writes it) wonít be close to reality. It will be all twisted in a way to make her look good and make you look bad.

Again, just set your boundaries. You donít have to be aggressive or belligerent. There are topics you donít want to discuss and actions you refuse to do.

Accept that you had many years of happiness with her but her recent behaviour is not acceptable and you are moving on. If it makes you feel better, as a cheater, the odds are against her to be happy long term.

Good luck!

t/j : bigger Apologies accepted. I believe SI and their guide can make non-US poster welcome.

Dennylast posted 4/4/2021 15:26 PM

Dan,
Hope you are doing fine. Has your wife gone back to France now?

Niceguy25 posted 4/5/2021 20:34 PM

Dan, my experience is two part. The affair happened 30 years ago and was rekindled by my wife nearly 6 years ago. If I had been smart I would have filed for divorce and did the 180 you keep hearing about here. Hindsight is truly 20/20, and I now realize even though it ended 26 years ago, I was the fall back guy when he dumped her for his new side piece, and she never stopped pineing for him even though he used her for sex and then dumped her for his new piece of ass. Move on and count your blessings she has shown her true nature.

[This message edited by Niceguy25 at 5:47 PM, April 6th (Tuesday)]

Westway posted 4/6/2021 09:04 AM

Dan90254

Having said that I canít help noticing that she is acting si ce Monday like sheís done nothing wrong and Iím pretty sure that she goes around telling people that she just found love and that was nothing she could have done to spare us this situation.

Uh huh... and what are you doing to counter this? Do not let her sully your reputation. Make sure everyone knows that it was her cheating that came before the dissolution of the marriage and not after.

Decorum posted 4/10/2021 12:14 PM

On the way to LAX the other day I asked her what she was thinking when she said that she didnít want a divorce AND had no intention of quitting her affair. She had no response.

She is trying to preserve her self-image that is why she wanted to leave you behind in an "open" marriage.

Abandoning a spouse ravaged by age and sickness is not a flattering look.

It's cruel.

Many waywards force celibacy and emotional distance on their partner while sharing the house with them, all the while indulging their own needs.

I'm surprised how many wives lose attraction to their partner when they have to nurse them back to health. I'm sure there is a reason for that in some biological imperative.

That is why she had no answer as to why she didn't want a divorce. She may not have even fully articulated it to herself.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Decorum posted 4/10/2021 12:44 PM

I would like to add one more thing, and I hesitate slightly because it may seem trite in light of the devastating change in your marriage and the crushing pain of your wayward wife's gobsmacking betrayal.

Yet perhaps it will be good for you. I'm 63 and have been through life altering health crises myself.

At some point, when you can conceive of it maybe find a place that has classes in Tai Chi or some other Qigong.

There is a saying in China that "life begins at 70".

You can lay aside all the ambitions of youth, the drives and desires, and explore a softer, perhaps more spiritual side of yourself. This is not to limit you but just to prioritize yourself.

For me, I raised 4 children, am looking to retire in the next couple years. I feel like that phase is coming to a welcome end.

The practice of Tai Chi played a significant role in my rehab (heart failure), in fact the Hospital offered the classes.

Consider it!

Honestly I covet a new beginning for you.

Take care!

[This message edited by Decorum at 12:47 PM, April 10th (Saturday)]

Dan90254 posted 4/17/2021 17:39 PM

April 17,
She went back 2 weeks ago. The evening before we had one last drink in our house and I asked her those 4 questions. I was cool, kept my voice down and warned her that these were not intrusive, indiscreet inquiries. Not surprisingly she denied all of them. No she did not hike ahead to use her phone, no she did not disappear 2 days later at Strandhill to use her phone again, no the trip to Martinique was not planned but a spur of the moment and yes it was at her sisterís insistence that she scheduled her trip to France for 2 1/2 months. I told her that I believed her but I donít or rather I donít really know. I know now that she can lie with a straight face which I didnt know before November.
She gave me the ę† it just happened†Ľ bs and I told her that it was just that , bs. You made it happened, you wanted it to happened, it was your decision.

The divorce should be d be finalized soon.and Iím moving to Las vegas in 2 weeks in a beautifully renovated nice house in a great neighborhood.
So why am I feeling shitty?

Cooley2here posted 4/17/2021 18:30 PM

I had two relatives who lived over 100 years. One, a man, played golf until he was 97. The other, a woman, enjoyed driving her children crazy.

You have the chance to make a whole new life. Enjoy the perks of Vegas but find a life in your community. We have friends who moved there from the east coast and love it. Sunshine.

Best of luck and donít look in your rearview window.

guvensiz posted 4/17/2021 19:06 PM

Dan,
All these prompted me to reread my last post to you. I saw with sadness that what I wrote came true. But I understand very well why you wanted doing this. You think there is still the person you think you know. You think at least she cares about you and knows she owes you the explanations you need to relax. You think she finally can tell the truth now that everything is over.
No my friend, she is still the selfish person who cheated on you. Don't expect her to tell you how she was selfish, what lies she told you, how she cheated on you. See, everything just happened! Against her will!
Worse, she must make herself believe these too. If she accepts them, she must hate herself. She can't live this way.

I would like to quote the post I just posted to another thread here, without touching the point. Your situations are similar in that it explains the futility of still trying to do something after a broken relationship. Unlike yours, he survived from his WF(iancť) pleading behind him.

I wish you a very beautiful life (that those who have gone outside will watch with envy and regret). The part in parentheses is not necessary, but it would be good.

I have said it before but I have to repeat it; writing a letter to her doesn't do you any good.
What do you think you can tell or prove to her?

My own experiences came to my mind. I was trying to prove to the person who lied to me, cheated on me and denied them, how she lied and deceived by showing her contradictions. How funny! Of course she knew what she had done much better than I did.

Now I cut off all contact at the slightest sign. The sign I mean is not a sign of cheating, slightest negativity about personality that I can't accept. I don't any explanation. They don't understand why and try to learn from my friends or relatives.

RealityBlows posted 4/18/2021 15:29 PM

Iím pretty sure that she goes around telling people that she just found love and that was nothing she could have done to spare us this situation.
If the roles had been reversed me being the cheating lying wayward husband Iíd be the last of the POS.

Yeah...

I always hope that family, friends, society will judge my ExWWís actions as they stand and not romanticize what she did or, blame the victim or Schadenfreude the victim.

Seems like Hollywood likes to romanticize adultery by portraying the cheater as being desperate, abused or neglected, unmet needs, etc. or, they met the love of their life and were uncontrollably compelled to cheat, true love vs a lesser love, ďfollowing your heart is never wrong!Ē

I believe people who fall for this, purposely try not to empathize or use logic because...itís simply too painful to fully empathize with the BS, too painful to face, honestly. Too frightening to consider that this horror can happen to anyone-to them, to realize that life can be so unavoidably and randomly unjust, without reason. This is all way too disturbing to process so, in an effort to find reason, to reassure, to assuage themselves that such a nightmare will never happen to them, they blame the victim.

Others, in an effort to make themselves feel better about themselves or in a misery loves company dynamic, will schadenfreude, or take a level of delight in your situation, and watch you fall from envied grace.

I think the best we can do as BSís, to avoid this secondary trauma, is not to fall too far from grace. To preserve our dignity, our positivity and hold fast the moral high ground and live well.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 3:31 PM, April 18th (Sunday)]

goalong posted 4/18/2021 16:02 PM

Dan90254,
Read Buddha's teachings on attachment(and also impermanence). there is a nice account in youtube by a woman monk. It will help you to organize the new chapter in your life without aversion and with a positive mindset

Marz posted 4/18/2021 20:21 PM

You seem to be wanted her to get it but she doesnít care.

You canít understand it because you arenít like her.

No contact is your best path. Donít keep yourself in this.

MountainGuy posted 4/19/2021 09:13 AM

"So why am I feeling shitty"

Because you genuinely care about your family. You've spent how many years dedicated and faithful just for her to throw it all away.

You literally have no reason to speak with her again, that part of your life is over. Talking with her will only bring back the memories of what you had and all that pain. Cut her lose.

She's made her choice, and there's nothing you can do about it. Your life starts as soon as the divorce is finalized. Make new friends and start enjoying life again. Do the things YOU want to do, be the person YOU want to be. Start being you and don't look back.

Good luck my friend, and God speed you on your way.

Dennylast posted 5/12/2021 18:45 PM

Dan,
Iím wondering if your D is final yet? Have you heard anything more from your ex? Finally, how are your new digs? I hope Vegas is being good to you. Would love to hear how your doing

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