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Newest Member: May28

Divorce/Separation :
So hard not to engage

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 Gottagetthrough (original poster member #27325) posted at 11:17 PM on Monday, November 23rd, 2020

I want to constantly yell at him for effing up every thing.

Hard not to

Gray rock gray rock gray rock

Its the time of year that i found out about BOTH affairs (day thanksgiving)

This is tough

posts: 3835   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8611686
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katmandude54 ( member #35992) posted at 11:23 PM on Monday, November 23rd, 2020

VERY hard not to engage, of course. BUT. You're just showing him you still care. Go radio silent, no reaction, no action, just straight face/no affect. Will leave him wondering what's going on. Infinitely more enjoyable.

If at first you don't succeed, you're probably screwed.

posts: 166   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2012   ·   location: FLORIDA
id 8611691
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Breakingapart ( member #74151) posted at 11:59 PM on Monday, November 23rd, 2020

It’s the continual f’ing up! You want to yell in their face so they will realize it’s not about them!!! It is so so so hard not to react! I get it...they don’t care so why bother but it would feel good wouldn’t it?!?!

I feel your frustration!

posts: 166   ·   registered: Apr. 4th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8611708
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 1:41 PM on Tuesday, November 24th, 2020

Ugh.

Can you and the kiddos do something different for the holiday this year?

Drive to see your family perhaps?

Not even celebrate the holiday?

Or have a local grocery cater it, and be done?

Reach out to your family and ignore him as much as humanly possible. You will reach your new beginning. It won't be like this forever.

Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 20174   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8611801
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ZenMumWalking ( Guide #25341) posted at 2:17 PM on Tuesday, November 24th, 2020

Can I give you my dogshit analogy? You're walking along the sidewalk and step in some dogshit. Are you going to yell at the dogshit and expect it to change? NO!!

Scrape off and move on........ well your WH is dogshit on the bottom of your shoe. Gray rock, scrape off and move on.

You'll be done with him before you know it, just keep on the path of detachment.

((((gotta))))

Me (BS), Him (WH): late-50's
3 DS: 26, 25, 22
M: 30+ (19 1/2 at Dday)
Dday: Dec 2008
Wanted R, not gonna happen (in permanent S)
Used to be DeadMumWalking, doing better now

posts: 8533   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2009   ·   location: EU
id 8611810
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99problems ( member #59373) posted at 4:35 PM on Tuesday, November 24th, 2020

ZenMW,

The dogshit analogy is genius, I will be thinking of that often.

Thanks!

Got me a new forum name!<BR />Formerly Idiotmcstupid.<BR />I am divorced, so not as much of an idiot now- 4/15/21,

posts: 1010   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Somewhere
id 8611839
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 Gottagetthrough (original poster member #27325) posted at 6:30 PM on Tuesday, November 24th, 2020

Hes bitching because thats what we are doing, tushnurse. We were supposed to go today but i woke up with a monster headache. Its adrenaline let down from kids exams last week (middle has learning disabilities and i was so nervous for him at his new school, but he did wonderfully !)and running around doing errands, etc, so im taking today and making the kids babysit their baby brother while i rest.

Wh will be alone for thanksgiving and christmas (we are staying until January)

Hes upset about that. I told him his actions last year have consequences this year. Thanksgiving is the time i found out about BOTH affairs so its a tough time for me

posts: 3835   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8611867
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 6:35 PM on Tuesday, November 24th, 2020

Gotta I am happy to hear you are going to get a break.

Now take some deep breaths, count out on your exhales to 8, and then drink a quart of water, your headache will improve.

Then head out.

Ignore ingnore ignore.

Remember the dogshit analogy. IT's a good one.

Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 20174   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8611868
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homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 12:53 AM on Wednesday, November 25th, 2020

Once you leave town, shut the door on him mentally. He will be in another city or state(?), don’t let him control you when he’s nowhere around!!!!!! Enjoy your kids, your family!!!!

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5503   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 8611963
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 Gottagetthrough (original poster member #27325) posted at 12:38 PM on Wednesday, November 25th, 2020

ZenMum-Dog poo analogy- lol, i probably WOULD continue to yell at the dog shit!

Homewrecked- i am blocking his number on my phone. Ill tell him this, and if he really needs me to call the landline at my family’s house. That way no texts. (He doesnt do phone calls, only texts)

posts: 3835   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8612049
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fooled13years ( member #49028) posted at 2:12 PM on Wednesday, November 25th, 2020

Gottagetthrough,

Its the time of year that i found out about BOTH affairs

Perhaps you might try reframing this as the time of year when you truly found out who you were married to so that you can make an informed decision on how to live your life.

Hes upset about that. I told him his actions last year have consequences this year

This may be giving him too much control on how you live your life which is to punish him.

Instead you might consider letting him know that he proved to you that he did not want to be part of the family so you and the kids have started your new life.

To make sure that he doesn't use this against you you could tell him that he will have access to the kids after the custody agreement is settled but as the Holidays are for family you and the kids are enjoying time with the people who want to be part of your family.

i was so nervous for him at his new school, but he did wonderfully

Good for him! You spent all that time worrying over something that turned out fine.

All that time and energy you spent worrying about what would happen did nothing to influence the ultimate outcome.

The same principal applies to what you are dealing with in regards to your WH. He let you know who he is and you made an informed decision on how to live your life.

Things will get interesting to be sure but they will also be okay in the end.

Enjoy this time with your children.

I removed myself from infidelity and am happy again.

posts: 1042   ·   registered: Aug. 18th, 2015
id 8612066
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