Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
One month today.

Topic is Sleeping.
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 ErinAnon (original poster New Member #75867) posted at 3:09 PM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

One month ago I stumbled across several alias social media accounts my husband used regularly to interact with/arrange appointments with SWs. The messages,posts, comments ranged from incredibly kind and sweet to explicit. For a period of 2 years...while we were engaged....while we were married and while we were trying to conceive...he slept with SWs. He says he stopped when I told him we were expecting. That would be 2 years ago. I dont know what to believe. He doesn't seem remorseful. He's been mean, calling me names, telling me to "get over it" and "its in the past".

I feel like I can't trust my own senses. I can't understand how he could do this to me. Now I look at my daughter, instead of seeing a symbol of our love and devotion of 12 years, I see the sex worker he slept with just days before we conceived her. Help me understand how I can possibly live with this? I don't want my family to fall apart. I want my daughter to have her father with her each day. But the pain I feel is so immense I've done nothing but but cry and have panic attacks between doing my best to care for my LO. I'm completely lost.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Nov. 16th, 2020
id 8609917
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Stinger ( Member #74090) posted at 3:22 PM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

Sorry you are enduring this. Your husband is not sorry at all. He sounds like a sociopath.

You should see a lawyer and be tested for STDs.

You really do not have a person you can work with here to reconcile. He is not going to stop this, either.

I had an unremorseful spouse. I had no choice but to divorce.

posts: 697   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2020
id 8609923
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BigNoob ( Member #75807) posted at 3:29 PM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

You can live with this when your husband shows true remorse and asks for forgiveness. As of right now i see NONE of that if he is being mean to you when HE was in the wrong.

1. Has he read any books to help you heal?

2. Has he stopped seeing SW's?

3. Has he had IC?

4. Have you had IC?

5. Has he apologized to you?

6. Has he shown remorse for his actions?

7. Do you have any irl support? People you can talk to about your situation?

It takes two people in order to reconcile and right now you have a 1 person show.

posts: 207   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2020
id 8609926
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 ErinAnon (original poster New Member #75867) posted at 3:36 PM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

He has not sought out any resources to understand how to help me heal. We both agreed counselling was a first step and have session #3 today. As far as I could tell from pouring over his accounts, emails, entire contents of his phone/computer there has been NC since October 2019 and no "appointments" since December 2018. He has apologized, cried, tried to explain. But his explanations just hurt more to listen to. He says something was broken in him. However when he's seemingly "had enough" of my sadness/anger he gets mean and tells me I need to get over it. I do not have much support, other than our therapist. I think I'm looking for hope? But I'm not sure there is hope.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Nov. 16th, 2020
id 8609929
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allusions ( Member #25376) posted at 4:06 PM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

He's been mean, calling me names, telling me to "get over it" and "its in the past".

This is abuse. It's never acceptable to call your Betrayed Spouse names. His attitude and behavior toward you means you won't be able to get over it. And I am fond of saying "it's not in the past if it's causing problems in the present." You've been traumatized and shocked. Your whole world has been turned upside down and it's only been one month since you found out. He spent 2 years seeing prostitutes. It might take you 2+ years to get over this, that is if he's remorseful, goes to therapy, and helps you heal.

You can apologize over and over, but if your actions don't change, your words become meaningless.

Behind every crazy bitch is a sweet girl who just got tired of being lied to.

I've found the key to happiness: Stay away from assholes.

posts: 1973   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2009   ·   location: California Central Coast
id 8609941
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beenthereinco ( Member #56409) posted at 4:15 PM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

He says something was broken in him.

He is right about this and it needs to be fixed. He should be going to Individual Counseling instead of the two of you going to Marriage Counseling. There wasn't anything broken in you. I think you are going to have to risk losing this marriage to fix it. He feels no pressure that this could end your marriage and as such is wanting to sweep this under the rug. This isn't going to get better I don't think as he is going to just continue to push you to forget his behavior and "move on". You came here, I think, because it is not something that you can do.

Read up on the 180 at the top left of this page and start thinking very hard about practicing it. It will give you some distance and allow you to focus on what you want for your life. Stop the marriage counseling and tell him to find out what is "broken" in him and fix it. Get yourself an STD test and insist that he does as well. See the result, don't trust his word. Lastly see an attorney and understand what a Divorce would mean for you financially and for your child. I know you don't want a divorce but you also don't want this life do you?

posts: 1429   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2016
id 8609946
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 ErinAnon (original poster New Member #75867) posted at 4:26 PM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

Hard to see these responses, tbh. Had an STI test. I will look up the 180. Maybe I'm just a weak/codependent person, but right now I feel like losing my husband and marriage on top of being deceived and betrayed would be unbearable. Is that insane?

posts: 3   ·   registered: Nov. 16th, 2020
id 8609950
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BigMammaJamma ( Member #65954) posted at 4:29 PM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

I am sorry Erin.

You deserve a safe partner and you will "get over it" once you feel that he is safe. He is currently no where near being safe. How tf are you supposed to believe he won't do this again? Because he says so? It doesn't seem like he has done any work besides make a lot of noise. You need him to move mountains in order to make you feel safe.

When I realized I had options and started getting more information on what my reality would be if I decided to divorce is when I felt empowered. You can always stop the divorce process if he makes major changes, but time is precious sister. As first steps, I would get immediate space between you two so that you can think clearly. Can he go to his mom's or sibling's? Then I would figure out what my life would look like without him. Then I would file and let him know that you will stop the divorce process when you feel like he is making strides towards being safe.

HE IS NOT THE PRIZE HERE, YOU ARE. He is a disloyal cheat that doesn't deserve you. Adjust the way you are reacting, he needs to be winning YOU back.

Me- born in 1984
Him- born in 1979
We both have 2 kids from previous marriages and we share a two year old.
I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.
Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this c

posts: 171   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8609952
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tushnurse ( Member #21101) posted at 5:16 PM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

I feel like losing my husband and marriage on top of being deceived and betrayed would be unbearable. Is that insane?

No, it is not, and it is actually a normal response at least initially. You have been traumatized, and your heart and emotions are trying to hold onto the one person in the world that was supposed to have your back regardless of anything else in the world. It takes those emotions a little bit of time to catch up with the reality you have discovered.

Please check out the healing library to the left.

You mention you are in therapy, but it sounds like couples therapy. This is actually not a great thing to do in the immediate aftermath of discovery. It can often get things twisted around, and make you feel responsible for his shitty behavior. It also can make you lose focus on the trauma you are dealing with, by trying to focus on the relationship.

You need individual counseling (IC) to help you deal with this trauma. It is most like the most devastating thing you have been through in your life, and if not the most rates in the top 5 for sure. That said you need to understand that you have been victimized by your partners selfish choices, and that you bear NO responsibility or blame in them. He CHOSE to cheat. He CHOSE repeatedly to use sex workers. He CHOSE knowing it was wrong, and that it would hurt his Marriage, and his Wife. NOTHING you did or did not do lead to that. No matter what he says.

YOU need to put the focus on yourself, and your child, make sure you are eating, sleeping, and caring for the baby. If you are struggling to eat or sleep then it's worth a discussion w/ your Dr. There is no shame in getting a little support to help you through this.

He is being abusive calling names, and telling you to get over it. The timeline on healing from infidelity when both partners are fully in, is somewhere in the 2-5 yr range. He needs to know that, and he needs to know that you don't trust him, and you don't forgive him, and he might as well forget about either of those things happening anytime soon. You have to heal yourself, as shitty as it sounds, he can't help you heal. He has to figure out his issues too, what made him think that what he did was in any way acceptable, and fix whatever is fundamentally broken within himself, then you can look at rebuilding your M.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 18919   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8609965
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 5:38 PM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2020

I think he is scary. If I were you I would be running, running to the lawyer today. You do not need this in your life and this is what you will have for the rest of your life if you stay with him. I agree with another poster he sounds like a sociopath.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2902   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8610303
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recovering2018 ( Member #63336) posted at 10:39 PM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2020

Sorry you are going through this.

Please see a lawyer ASAP. This is plain out abuse. It is not good for you and your child to live with this kind of person. A spouse/parent needs to show respect and empathy, and he clearly isn't capable.

Please get prepared, then run!

_________________________________

Me- H/BS 50s
Her- WW 40s
Married 20+ years with minor children
D-Day 2017, 6 week EA

posts: 94   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2018   ·   location: United States
id 8610381
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redfish ( Member #71426) posted at 10:51 PM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2020

He doesn't seem remorseful. He's been mean, calling me names, telling me to "get over it" and "its in the past".

You don't have to live with this, Your Daughter should not have to live with this.

It will take time to get over the panic attacks, triggers and you will begin to trust your senses. Read some of the advice given to other BS to improve and take care of their own life. WS does not need to be involved other than watching his child while you improve your life.

He told you to "get over it" so tell him that the things you will begin to do now for your mental and physical health are how you will get over it.

posts: 108   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8610385
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 11:00 PM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2020

He's been mean, calling me names, telling me to "get over it" and "its in the past".

Adultery is abuse. It is one of the most transgressive and toxic things one human can do to another human. Adultery is mental, emotional and physical abuse. It puts you at risk for life threatening diseases.

Abuse. Think about the advice that would be offered to any other woman suffering from abuse at the hands of her husband.

He's compounding this very real abuse with yet more abuse.

Get away from this man, for your own sake.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4217   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8610390
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Anna123 ( Member #70908) posted at 11:00 PM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2020

but right now I feel like losing my husband and marriage on top of being deceived and betrayed would be unbearable. Is that insane?

Nope. You are in shock still and lost the one person you are supposed to trust the most to help you through an awful experience like this.

Something to think about even though it hurts. Consider the fact that the reason you are feeling so overwhelmed is because you have already lost the marriage and husband you thought you had and you are already mourning that. The 'kicker' is, the husband you are loosing does not exist. It is your idea of what you thought he was that you have lost. It is time to quietly reflect on that as you move forward. I am not saying you can't form a new marriage with this person, if he is ever properly remorseful but you need to learn what that looks like, and only after following the other guidance you see in the earlier posts.

Now is the time to reach out to family, friends, your own individual counselor, church personnel you can trust, this website etc.

You will be okay. You are not alone. Take your time as you go take the steps to learn about what is happening here and prepare to move out of infidelity. Whether it is through divorce or through a proper reconciliation, you probably don't want to just hang on to what you have now or it will continue to keep you off balance.

Take care of yourself. Eat what you can get down. Rest if you can't sleep. Drink lots of water.

posts: 619   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8610391
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JulyDD ( Member #75053) posted at 8:30 PM on Thursday, November 19th, 2020

I found out about what had gone on in my H's life (and mine) just this July 2020.

You are truly still in a state of shock. As many wise and more seasoned people on this site have said, take very good care of yourself: eat and hydrate (even when you don't want to), limit anything (else) that will upset you (who you see, what you watch, tasks that aren't urgent).

I am also so so sorry you are here. I am 4 months from Dday and only just not feeling my face on fire and my stomach racing when I wake in the morning.

You don't have to make any big decisions right now. Unless they involve your safety. You can make a decision now and that is just fine. But you don't have to. I am someone who also does not think MC works. But I do think IC works if the party involved wants to be transparent. So few MC's are trained in what the betrayed spouse has been through. You need massive total support.

Corny but true: if you can't do one hour at a time, do five minutes at a time. Then 15. I had to do this many many times on this whole rotten journey. It helped. Who'd have believed it but it did.

Big hugs to you.

posts: 73   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2020
id 8610668
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ChumpednBroken ( New Member #74604) posted at 10:55 PM on Thursday, November 19th, 2020

I’m so sorry you’re facing this, especially with a new child.

My WH (or FWH? Not sure) cheated on me with MANY SWs (sometimes multiple per day!) so I feel some if your pain.

Please take time to process. Since he’s responding with abuse, he really should stay somewhere else until your thoughts and feelings are sorted out and HE can control himself.

I’m 11 months out. There is no “get over it” so him telling you to is ridiculous. I recommend IC and finding your support system. And speaking from experience, being a Divorced mom isn’t the end of the world. Best wishes!

posts: 9   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2020
id 8610708
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 11:17 PM on Thursday, November 19th, 2020

I get the feeling that you're waiting for your WH to change, but frankly, it's unlikely that he will. Why would he? He's got everything he wants. Nice family life and if/when he feels the need for a little extra, he can hire a hooker. You've already proved to him that there will be no real consequences, and clearly he can put up with your tears.

He doesn't seem remorseful. He's been mean, calling me names, telling me to "get over it" and "its in the past".

This above quote is your reality. He's not sorry, not even if he says he is. Because those words can't escape the mouth of one who is. Those words don't live inside the mind of a WS who is truly remorseful. Inside the mind of your WH instead is entitlement. He feels that he deserves to have some fun with some hookers and that if he tells you he's sorry, you're supposed to just "get over it". Do you think if the shoe were on the other foot and it had been YOU out fucking a bunch of strangers he'd be so sanguine? Of course not. Because there's one set of rules for you and another for him.

Maybe I'm just a weak/codependent person, but right now I feel like losing my husband and marriage on top of being deceived and betrayed would be unbearable. Is that insane?

What would you be losing?... a liar, a cheater, a guy who treats you with contempt? How is that a "loss"? You don't want your daughter to grow up without seeing her dad every day, but it's somehow more acceptable to allow her to grow up watching him mistreat her mother every day? What happens when he turns that attitude on her?

It's true that people can and do recover from infidelity. But it starts with two people who really love each other. It continues with a WS who is truly repentant and will do anything to change and a BS who will accept nothing less.

I'll be honest with you... this guy will waste your entire life if you let him. He's looked you in the eye and lied to you from the very beginning. Unless he truly changes (unlikely), he'll bring nothing but misery to your home. You have fears about breaking up the family unit, but I think if you spend some time talking with some people in the Separation/Divorce forum, you'll find your fears are largely unfounded. The self-involved WS tends to lose interest in parenting, and you might well find yourself in the majority when it comes to having time with your child. Instead of living in a state of fear and intimidation, your home could be a safe haven. And maybe in time, you might even meet an honest man, one who is actually capable of love and caring.

It's up to you, of course. But unless you're willing to lose the marriage in order to stand for your boundaries, this guy has no reason to change.

posts: 4516   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8610714
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BellaLee ( Member #58324) posted at 12:50 PM on Friday, November 20th, 2020

Hi @ErinAnon, I'm so sorry you're going through this pain in your marriage and I wish I could give you a hug.

I completely understand the emotions you're going through but I want to reassure you that you will come out stronger. In the meantime, please try and look after yourself and don't despair.

Do you have any family member or close friend that you trust that you can talk to? Loving support at this time will really help you.

Also I think it's so important you consider individual counseling for yourself as priority because you need to be in an emotionally healthy place to be able to move forward.

For your husband, IC will also be very beneficial. I hope somehow he will come to the realization of the errors of his ways and be truly remorse.

Please try and take a deep breath and take one day at a time.

I do want to encourage you to remember that you are worthy of love that can be trusted and your worth is not dependent on the wrong choices and actions of someone else.

Praying that the near future will bring healing and wholeness for your emotions and the faithful and supportive love that you truly deserve.

posts: 171   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2017
id 8610860
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 2:08 PM on Friday, November 20th, 2020

Next time he suggest you “get over it” then point out that “getting over it” isn’t the hard part. In fact if he wasn’t around then chances are you could “get over it” in a few months, two years tops. The problem is that you are trying to “get over it” while still heavily emotionally invested in the cause of the pain. Namely him.

He can choose: You get “over it” without him in your life or you both work on “getting over it” together, with the collateral cost and time that takes.

A short rant about sex workers:

I’m about as much man as they come. Drink beer, fish, fix my truck and watch sports. Yet I have never ever understood how anyone can pay for sex. Maybe it’s because as a cop I befriended a number of sex-workers and realized that no matter what face they put on they are not in that line of work because of the career opportunities. I have had arguments with people that believe in the “happy hooker” concept, but personally I have yet to meet a single sex worker that wouldn’t want to be doing something else.

I would consider doing the following:

Ask your husband if he would be OK with your daughter paying for college by doing escort-work. Imagine the freedom: she goes down on 5-6 middle-aged men a week and she has all the money she needs for tuition, books, board… plus money to spare. Could finish her degree without any student loans.

I’m guessing he wouldn’t be too happy with that.

Remind him that his hookers were someone’s daughters. Why do they deserve less respect than his daughter? For some father or mother out there HE – your husband – has taken the place of the middle-aged man your husband was imagining using his daughters sexual favors.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8610885
Topic is Sleeping.
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