Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
Never imagined pain like this.

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Formetime (original poster New Member #75814) posted at 10:56 PM on Thursday, November 5th, 2020

It’s been four months since I discovered her despicable act of betrayal and infidelity. Never once in our 19 yrs of marriage had this even been thought of by either of us.

I’m broken. I watched my life disssolve in a matter of weeks as she declared the did not want to be married anymore and it was too much work. Emptied the house, moved into separate apts and liquidated belongings. We split time w/ our 16 yr old 50/50 and our two grown kids won’t speak to her.

While not yet divorced we are on the path.

The days and weeks have melted together and I go from strong and confident to angry and vindictive as the rawness of the night of discovery never leaves my thoughts. I would not wish this pain on my worst enemies.

It must get better, it must.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2020
id 8606001
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 11:28 PM on Thursday, November 5th, 2020

It does get better, and it will. Your head will clear. I am very sorry you are in pain. We all understand it.

Sounds like your WW is caught up in a stereotypical perimenopausal mid-life crisis. Women caught up in a perimenopausal crisis typically do very much regret the toxic actions they take -- but the reality of their situation unfortunately takes awhile to sink in.

Studies have shown a precipitously declining availability of intimacy for menopausal and post-menopausal women who have unilaterally ended stable marriages. Sure there will always be some horny old goats out there thanks to Viagra. But wayward women tend not to find the grass is greener on the other side and often hit the "wall" of invisibility that many women themselves have observed and written about.

Unfortunately for the stable, loyal, faithful men in their lives, this doesn't catch up with them right away and they do a lot of damage in the interim.

Once it sinks in for her (and it will - because the lies a mid-life crisis woman tells herself are deep and profound and also profoundly juvenile — just read some of the recent bestselling memoirs glamorizing this meltdown by women) your heart will be healed and you will have found another woman - if that's what you want. There are a lot of quality women out there you will be very happy with who would not do this to you.

So you must move on. For your own health and sanity. I understand well the pain. We all do.

Your best bet here is to get strong, institute a hard 180 (which will be easier since you are separated) and start moving unilaterally to file for divorce. Take the initiative.

Stop doing the pick me dance. Stop mooning around.

I would say in many ways your STBXWW has done you a favor and you should consider embracing it while she's wrapped up in the fantasy of her affair(s) and you can get favorable divorce terms quickly.

There is such a thing as character and free will. Your WW could choose not to delude herself with false narratives and could decide not to go insane on her hormonal cocktail. But she's chosen a different path. That's because this is who she is. Do you really want to be married to such a person in any case?

You might consider providing a bit more detail about your situation so people here can offer more specific advice - details about her betrayal, is the affair still going on, do you think this is an exit affair or is she wrapped up in serial cheater behavior and so on.

Living in an apartment might feel bad now. Imagine living in the nice house and knowing she's still out screwing around on you.

[This message edited by Thumos at 5:45 PM, November 5th (Thursday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4217   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8606013
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Westway ( Member #71747) posted at 6:50 PM on Friday, November 6th, 2020

Some women...some... go absolutely off the rails once they hit that 40-50 y.o. decade. It's easier nowadays given that women have just about as much economic clout as men. They have the convenience of being able to dump us when we are deemed no longer of value to them.

You served your purpose for her. You fathered three children and helped pay for their raising, but now that your youngest is close to leaving home age, she has decided to not wait the extra two years for him to turn 18 and just dump you now. She lost her love for you long, long ago, and has been biding her time until she could leave you without looking like she's abandoning her kids. This is a quintessential exit affair if there ever was one.

No better way to kill a man's love for you and force the divorce than to cheat on him and humiliate him.

[This message edited by Westway at 12:51 PM, November 6th (Friday)]

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8606339
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 8:00 PM on Friday, November 6th, 2020

The pain does get better if you focus in healing yourself. I’m so sorry for you. You realize she made these decisions on her own to satisfy her own selfish needs. It doesn’t matter how long she had this affair or didn’t love you — as painful as it is — b/c it could have been a very short time from the time she met her Mr. Wonderful to the time she left you.

My H met the AP in December. By March the EA started and by July he wanted a D. After 25 years of a good Marriage. Typical mid life crisis affair.

You do need to protect yourself if she decides to come crawling back. When her current Mr Wonderful reveals himself to be the jerk he is, she may wake up and realize what she has done. And decide to “reconcile”. It happens often. Just be prepared.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:01 PM, November 6th (Friday)]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10517   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8606366
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steadychevy ( Member #42608) posted at 8:03 PM on Friday, November 6th, 2020

Neither did I, Formetime. I couldn't imagine there could be so severe. I thought the pain would surely kill me and, worse, hoped it would. It gets better. It takes some time, though. You need to lean into it. It was essential I got counselling which I did. I didn't start to heal until we had separated and I started counselling with my 3rd IC. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, either.

My XWW started her adultery the same year our youngest of 3 daughters went to university. Empty nest except the oldest had graduated from university in the spring and was living at home and working. She was 45, the same age as her father was when he abandoned them for his girlfriend and her kids.

I don't know if it is MLC, empty nest or peri-menopause or whatever. Doesn't matter. Many go through the same things and don't cheat. I can't remember having a MLC. It's something else, something internal.

For my XWW I believe it was simply opportunity, she really, really wanted too (was primed for it), thought she'd never get caught (workplace adultery) so she went for it hard for 4 years. What more is needed to know.

I wanted all the details and got some of them. I got a lot of I can't remember (ICR) and I don't know (IDK). I needed the details. I never got a timeline. What it boiled down to is she was a person who could do this while we were on the cusp of achieving our major life goal which she went on to enjoy for a while until DDay.

It will get better, Formetime. I strongly suggest IC. Apparently about 70% of those cheated on have PTSD. I did. I don't know how you can deal with that without an IC trained in trauma and PTSD treatment.

I'm so sorry you are here on SI but I think you will find it a very valuable place to find, as I did. Sending strength.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4658   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8606367
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longsadstory1952 ( Member #29048) posted at 8:05 PM on Friday, November 6th, 2020

You are not going to believe this, but sooner than you think you are going to be astonished at the freedom of being single. You can do what you want when you want and there is no one fighting you.

You are also going to attract women like you cannot believe.

And you are going to be able to proceed with your own interests and hobbies without having to deprive yourself by having to dance attendance to every whim your ex used to come up with.

You will probably also review your history and spot when there were precursors to her selfish behavior.

The main thing for now, is never to let her see your pain. Ever.

posts: 1057   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8606369
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 Formetime (original poster New Member #75814) posted at 1:40 AM on Monday, November 9th, 2020

Wow. Just wow. How beautiful and supportive all of you are. It’s like I suddenly don’t feel so alone anymore. Many of you echoed thoughts and beliefs I’ve heard from my therapist and support network.

I get stuck fluctuating between sadness for what I’ve lost and anger at how she manipulated and humiliated me all while planning and executing her selfish act.

When I’m in the latter mode I want her to hurt like I do.

From what I can see she does not seem happy. When she said she didn’t want to be married anymore and that our marriage was “too much work” she said all she wanted to do was to focus on being a “ kickass realtor” and a “kickass mom” .Not sure she is achieving either, at least so far.

I’m trying to focus on what is best for me and what helps and not hurts me so I’m slowly eliminating those things and scenarios which hurt me like being in her presence.

It is so helpful being able to share these feelings - so glad I found this community.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2020
id 8606831
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Greenjk ( New Member #75822) posted at 2:05 AM on Monday, November 9th, 2020

Everything you feel is normal. Betrayal is devastating to say the least. I’m going through it myself but finding it easier as I focus more on my own happiness and what I want. Spending time with my daughter, catching up with old friends and doing fun things I otherwise couldn’t do before bc she didn’t like it. Taking care of yourself is so important. You deserve to be happy. I hate you are going through this and hope you find some clarity.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Nov. 8th, 2020
id 8606835
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beenthereinco ( Member #56409) posted at 3:34 PM on Monday, November 9th, 2020

“ kickass realtor”

Are there stats on professions and infidelity? It really seems like realtors and health care workers come up in here all the time doesn't it?

posts: 1429   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2016
id 8606950
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TheLostOne2020 ( Member #72463) posted at 4:12 PM on Monday, November 9th, 2020

Formetime

Yesterday would have been my 22nd year of being with my Spouse. I found out on Jan 1st of this year that she'd been cheating on me for 5 years (physically for 2). It was devastating and the pain was unreal.

My son came up to me yesterday and asked me what the date was. I told him the date and I realized what it was. I shrugged, 'meh'. I'm happy. I didn't think I would be back in those dark days but life has gotten a lot better since I moved out.

It’s been four months since I discovered her despicable act of betrayal and infidelity. Never once in our 19 yrs of marriage had this even been thought of by either of us.

I had the same thoughts - especially after talking over the various infidelities that her sisters & cousins had. So yeah, she's a cheater. I'm not and I'm not going to compromise my morality or principles to become one. I also realized that if she could do this to me then she's capable of anything - that I could never be assured that she was with me because she loved me or because I was simply something she felt entitled to use.

I’m broken. I watched my life disssolve in a matter of weeks as she declared the did not want to be married anymore and it was too much work. Emptied the house, moved into separate apts and liquidated belongings. We split time w/ our 16 yr old 50/50 and our two grown kids won’t speak to her.

Yeah, I get that feeling. I understand. The thing is - you can get back up. You can start again, you can rise above her bullshit. You will be better in the end. Who the fuck wants to end up with someone like her? I know that right now you have residual feelings of love for her - those will pass. Your logical mind will hammer away at your emotional mind until your emotional mind realizes what happened.

While not yet divorced we are on the path.

The days and weeks have melted together and I go from strong and confident to angry and vindictive as the rawness of the night of discovery never leaves my thoughts. I would not wish this pain on my worst enemies.

It must get better, it must.

You are stronger than you realize right now. Part of strength is surviving when you feel your weakest. You are surviving. It's hard. It's a gut punch. When you come out on the other end of this and you feel better you will think to yourself, what kind of awful human being does what she does?

It does get better. You start to feel again and you start to live. You throw away the idealization of who your wife was and realize the monster she actually is.

D-Day 1: New Year's Day 2020
D-Day 2: Jan 21 2020
There was no D-Day 3.

6/12/2020: Moved out.

3/02/2021: Officially divorced.

I'm 42 and just starting to have the answers to the universe...

posts: 892   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2020   ·   location: NoVa
id 8606965
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TheLostOne2020 ( Member #72463) posted at 4:22 PM on Monday, November 9th, 2020

Formetime

Wow. Just wow. How beautiful and supportive all of you are. It’s like I suddenly don’t feel so alone anymore. Many of you echoed thoughts and beliefs I’ve heard from my therapist and support network.

You aren't alone - we've been there. Stick around here and vent your pain. It helps.

I get stuck fluctuating between sadness for what I’ve lost and anger at how she manipulated and humiliated me all while planning and executing her selfish act.

When I’m in the latter mode I want her to hurt like I do.

I can relate to that, the thing is, at the end of the day she's an awful person who has just revealed herself to you for who she really is. I like to think of it as though she's a doppleganger - do I want revenge on such a moral pile of shit? No, I just want to get the fuck away from it as quickly as possible.

You weren't humiliated, I know it feels like that, she's humiliated herself. She threw away a marriage without trying and she's a fucking cheater. Who wants that moniker? Shit, in some countries you can get stoned to death for that (which I don't agree with, but I'm just pointing it out).

From what I can see she does not seem happy.

Compromising one's principles and morals tend to make people miserable. She has to live with herself and what she's done. She could be a sociopath, of course.

When she said she didn’t want to be married anymore and that our marriage was “too much work” she said all she wanted to do was to focus on being a “ kickass realtor” and a “kickass mom” .Not sure she is achieving either, at least so far.

She probably isn't. How broken do you have to be to compromise your integrity and morals?

I’m trying to focus on what is best for me and what helps and not hurts me so I’m slowly eliminating those things and scenarios which hurt me like being in her presence.

It is so helpful being able to share these feelings - so glad I found this community.

Good. Once you're away from her you will feel much better. Your healing will accelerate.

D-Day 1: New Year's Day 2020
D-Day 2: Jan 21 2020
There was no D-Day 3.

6/12/2020: Moved out.

3/02/2021: Officially divorced.

I'm 42 and just starting to have the answers to the universe...

posts: 892   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2020   ·   location: NoVa
id 8606968
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RichT ( New Member #71459) posted at 6:20 PM on Monday, November 9th, 2020

I just wanted to say that you are not alone, the pain you are suffering it's beyond anything, I know, we know, we are with you man!

It's a rollercoaster so hold tight it's gonna be rough, but in the end we are gonna be alright I hope.

It's extremely difficult to end a marriage, you feel like you are obligated to end it, it's not something you wanted not in your wildest dreams. Affairs are a form of abuse, the person you love the most put you in a situation of pain.

Seek help from friends, expose her, I didn't and she talked shit of me, she said that I abandoned her, but didn't said why...

I wish you the best.

posts: 40   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2019
id 8607022
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Talisman ( Member #75398) posted at 11:15 PM on Tuesday, November 10th, 2020

What exactly did she do by way of infidelity?

posts: 72   ·   registered: Sep. 11th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8607526
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Unhinged ( Member #47977) posted at 12:14 AM on Wednesday, November 11th, 2020

Hello, Formetime, and welcome to SI, the greatest club no one ever wanted to join.

Take some time to read the two posts pinned to the top of the Just Found Out Forum: "The Tactical Primer" and "Newbies..."

Also, check out The Healing Library (see yellow shaded area at the top-left of the page). Inside the "Articles" section you'll find a wealth of great essays written by veteran SI members. This will help you get started on your journey towards recovery and healing.

In the "I Can Relate" Forum, there is a special thread entitled: "When A WS Leaves For Their OP." I'm not sure how active the forums is these days. However, I'd imagine you'll find it helpful.

If you ever have any questions or wish to register a comment with the staff, just start a new thread with the title: "Mod please."

It must get better, it must.

It does get better. It just takes a lot of time and you focusing on your recovery and healing. For most people, the betrayal of infidelity is a profound shock and a severe emotional and psychological trauma. Compounded with a sudden divorce and I'm sure you're in a world of pain, brother. Rest assured that you will get through this. You'll be okay, man.

Heading towards divorce
D-Day April, 2015

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button."
-Brene Brown

posts: 6361   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8607541
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SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 1:58 AM on Wednesday, November 11th, 2020

Kick ass huh?

OK kick her ass to the curb.

posts: 343   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8607569
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 Formetime (original poster New Member #75814) posted at 4:14 PM on Sunday, November 22nd, 2020

Really appreciate all the replies of support and insight. Had a rough week as I stayed angry and couldn’t stop replaying the moment of discovery in my head.

I do not want her to be happy as her selfish choices have destroyed mine and many others lives. Why should she be allowed to not deal with the consequences of her despicable act of betrayal and infidelity ?

posts: 3   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2020
id 8611326
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 4:53 PM on Sunday, November 22nd, 2020

Letting go of the anger will not be easy. But once it subsides you will feel happier. Less gut wrenching sadness. Less likely to ge on the emotional roller coaster every 5 minutes.

I’m sorry your wife up and abandoned you. That is the worst thing you can do to someone. I shared in my earlier post my H was planning in the same thing. Up and run. Typical Mid life crisis. Turning 50 was too hard. His job stunk. His life stunk (according to him). His marriage stunk (again according to him).

The answer was an affair with a much younger woman. You can see that as a logical solution right? my children woukd have been overjoyed to have their father leave them to be with the OW. His friends and their wives would really want to hang around with a tattooed covered (and I mean covered) morally bankrupt person.

You need to focus on healing yourself. Getting past the pain and betrayal is the hardest. Bit once you do — you will emerge with strength and clarity. Strength to know you can survive this and clarity that you are seeing her for who she is and knowing you do t have to endure another second of her disrespect and lies.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10517   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8611330
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HDENUFF75 ( Member #72813) posted at 2:10 AM on Sunday, November 29th, 2020

The Lost One—-your words are beautiful “ part of your strength is surviving when you feel your weakest.” It is all about taking one day at a time.

posts: 108   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2020
id 8612870
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oldtruck ( Member #62540) posted at 2:31 AM on Sunday, November 29th, 2020

time to check your phone bill for numbers that appeared

for the first time and ones that had a lot of calls and texts.

then get copies of those texts from the phone company.

chances are you will find your WW affair partner.

also if you can afford it hire a PI.

posts: 1383   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8612872
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whatIknowNow ( Member #69015) posted at 11:25 AM on Sunday, November 29th, 2020

It DOES get better.

My wife of 11 years (2 sons) started acting eracticly. I knew something was going on, but I didn't know what to do so I did nothing.

One day she says "we have to talk tonight". In the waiting hours it suddenly just popped into my head - "she wants a divorce". And that is exactly how it went down. I didn't get any say and to my credit I didn't do much pleading or "pick me" dancing, I knew it was over.

The next 6 months were frankly hell. All the doubts, what if I had done this, what if I had done that. But I knew I wanted to be married, I liked being married so I set about finding another wife.

I upped my game, hit the gym and stopped being skinny. I thought about all the bullshit I had been fed all my life about what it is that women want from a man and replaced that with a version based on my own observations. i.e. I started trusting myself.

A year later I found my wife and I have had 24 years of a marriage that I could not have even imagined before.

I know, as do most of the people here, the depth of the pain you are in. It is not easy and it can shake the foundations of your existence. But it is by no means permanent. Put your energy into what you want and you can make it happen.

posts: 107   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2018   ·   location: Texoma
id 8612897
Topic is Sleeping.
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