Topic is Sleeping.
Cenny (original poster new member #69049) posted at 9:53 PM on Wednesday, October 28th, 2020
I have taken "New Beginnings" to the extreme. I have moved over 3,000 miles, got a new job, a new dog, and working on a new house. I know I have to start over but right now it feels hard.
I never thought I would be divorced, moved out of my home town, and leave a job I thought I would have for 20 years. I was happy in my illusion of marriage. Even after D day he claimed he loved me and wanted to make it work.
This move and choices are finally in my control, but that only helps some. I am scared. I do not want to be brave or strong. I just want a chance at life again. Right now I am scared, and every night wake up wanting to call my husband (divorced) and say "Let's try again". Not that is even an option he has a fiance.
It has gotten better. I am at a point where I was out of the trama and could make some sound choices for myself. It is just hard, I am scared and alone.
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D-Day- 2 years ago
Divorce - 1 year
WH- 7+ affairs over 19 years.
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 6:16 AM on Thursday, October 29th, 2020
You have been heard. I hope you see how much you have accomplished, how far you have come. And yes, there will be lonely nights, and moments of “what if” or “I wish”. But I am amazed by your resilience and strength and determination. I have no doubt that the life you want is out there—- and will be ready for you when you are ready for it.
(It’s totally okay to be scared. Just don’t let it paralyze you— and you have not.)
(((Cenny)))
Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)
**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **
EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 1:40 PM on Thursday, October 29th, 2020
Awwe Cenny! You have been through MANY of the top stressors of life!!!! What you are feeling is to be expected.
When you wake up and feel like calling him, it is probably the yearning for a time when you THOUGHT you were safe & secure. But now you are in control. You are building your path and don't have to worry about him ripping it out from under you. It is much better to be lonely alone than lonely in a M.
It does get better! I am ten years out and still have moments like that but I wouldn't change my decision to D for anything. EVERYTHING is much better on my NB path.
I know you probably hate to hear it, but you are really early in your healing. Each year milestone you will look back and see how much better it is going.
Hang in there. You are a strong person but it is ok to feel scared too.
leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:27 PM on Thursday, October 29th, 2020
Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway.
- John Wayne
You are very courageous. While you might be scared, you aren't alone. We are here for you.
I get it, though. Adulting is hard. Some days, I wish my mom were here to give me a hug and tell me everything's going to be ok.
{{Cenny}} You're going to make it - you can do this.
BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21
Chrysalis123 ( member #27148) posted at 12:57 AM on Friday, October 30th, 2020
Awwe Cenny! You have been through MANY of the top stressors of life!!!! What you are feeling is to be expected.
This.
Keep posting and leaning on us when you have anxious moments.
And, good on you for taking life head on.
Someone I once loved gave me/ a box full of darkness/ It took me years to understand/ That this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver
Just for the record darling, not all positive changes feel positive in the beginning -S C Lourie
CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 4:02 AM on Sunday, November 1st, 2020
That is always scary starting over, but there are people there where you are who can help or be a friend if you join and reach out.
BrokenheartedUK ( member #43520) posted at 5:45 PM on Monday, November 2nd, 2020
Cenny--I know exactly how hard this is!! I moved myself and my three children across an ocean during my divorce. I wouldn't recommend it. But it's been four years now and we've all put down roots and have thrived.
Once the dust settles, start to look for ways to build community. I go to a local Crossfit (although they de-affiliated) and have made a ton of friends through that. I also have an adopted rescue dog and I explore the neighborhood with her.
And it takes time to detach from your ex and build a new life but I know that you'll get there. Be kind to yourself. There will be hard days, but you're bossing it. Really you are.
Me: BS
He cheated and then lied. Apparently cheaters lie. Huh. 13 months of false R. Divorced! 8/16 3 teenage kids
"The barn's burnt down
Now
I can see the moon"
-Mizuta Masahide
Jambomo ( member #74853) posted at 7:34 AM on Monday, November 23rd, 2020
I go to a local Crossfit (although they de-affiliated)
That’s what I did too. I wonder if they know they are part of a rescue package for separated people? 
Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 10:53 PM on Sunday, November 29th, 2020
This stuff is just hard. ((virtual hugs)
The severe infidelity we survived is brutal. I think of myself as a work in progress...for so long for me just uncurling out of the fetal position was an accomplishment so way to go making any kind of positive changes.
We are here rooting for you.
"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!
Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 10:56 PM on Sunday, November 29th, 2020
PS
IMHO love is an action word. My chex (cheating ex) did not "love" me no matter what words came out of his lying mouth.
People who expose us to the severe risks associated with infidelity do not IMHO love us unless they drastically 180 their hearts and their behavior.
"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!
Topic is Sleeping.
