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Former Waywards not in Reconciliation

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hikingout posted 10/22/2020 12:16 PM

I understand Poppy. I have been there myself.

It's weird but those situations I experienced in this forum ended up helping me in the end. I have learned to realize that what people say about you is often just about them. Not in a negative way, it's just where you are in your journey is effecting, triggering, or whatever word you want to use where they are in theirs.

It rarely bothers me any more. I focus on the positives I get from the site and while I might bristle now and again, I think I finally learned to "take what I need and leave the rest".

Your situation is very unique to you, but when you post some do not realize what it is, they only project what they know about their own. Again, that's just not a statement about you. It takes some time to not feel personally towards it.

Darkness Falls posted 10/22/2020 16:59 PM

I get what youíre saying, Poppy. I didnít take it as you were suggesting I leave.

foreverlabeled posted 10/22/2020 20:20 PM

Thereís other changes Iím interested in but it all requires patience.
its true, all we have is time to sort this out and that does require patience. And its hard because of course instant gratification is appealing and a quick fix would be welcoming.

This past year has been one of the hardest aside from the first year after dday. I feel like it would have been so easy to fall back into my old comforts and coping. None of which is even slightly healthy. The pull was real and a battle in and of itself.

Self talk was EVERYTHING.

I'm only just now in a place that letting go and moving on feels right. I mean really its my only choice but there is alignment within to back it up. Acceptance was hard work. This new normal takes adjustment especially when everything in me fought against it.

I still have moments when I think to myself I wish things were different but that takes me backwards and I've already committed myself way back when that no way can I go backwards, especially not now when I can't unlearn the things that have gotten me this far. Like thats the shit I've been working for all this time, that real lasting, sustainable change that has overwritten the old. It would feel completely out of place to allow myself any form of regression.

And at the same time I feel like, and maybe others can relate but I can't just find myself completely comfortable with this new normal either. But I mean that completely separate from my progress. Like I'm in an unification period of the two. I dunno hard to explain. Not sure if I can adequately explain as I don't exactly have it all nailed down myself.

JBWD posted 10/25/2020 22:59 PM

I still have moments when I think to myself I wish things were different but that takes me backwards and I've already committed myself way back when that no way can I go backwards

Yup. Iím really struggling with this right now- Feeling resentments that need to be recognized as worthless now: Thinking about problems she felt and couldnít articulate, and my inability to do the same with my own misperceptions...

All resolving to the point that I have to live with how I acted on those distortions, and view the past as two individual and out of synch timelines- I certainly failed on being all in on R, and that is why I am here. But there were times where I was all in on the M, and it didnít feel like she was at the time, it would be interesting to know how she viewed such times, but itís not a discussion weíre going to have.

ETA: I know that the above doesnít mean she wasnít all in. My perceptions are justifiably questionable. But I donít know what she was thinking, and itís bugging me too much as of late.

[This message edited by JBWD at 11:23 PM, October 25th (Sunday)]

foreverlabeled posted 10/26/2020 12:46 PM

I donít know what she was thinking, and itís bugging me too much as of late.
I think people naturally crave closure, we like when things come full circle because there's an ending or answers. Its like one perpetual cliffhanger otherwise. We tend to ruminate and overthink, and left with an unknown we spend a lot of time and energy on it.

There is a lot that I would obviously LOVE the answers and whys to, sadly I'll just never know.

I think the question we have to ask ourselves is, would it change anything having those answers? I mean I know you are curious regardless, as am I with my own questions.

I have to go about with accepting that I'll never know and thats okay too. Not my desired way but its my only option and I have to accept that too. I guess the theme is acceptance all around.

I am slowly getting comfortable with moving on. And after some thought over the weekend on my issues with guilt, I think really its just the remorse I still have over my cheating and the destruction it caused. So its refreshing to have a different view. I can handle my remorse because it serves me, guilt not so much. And its helpful for the closure I'll have to find that typically comes from within anyway.

hikingout posted 10/26/2020 13:23 PM

I can handle my remorse because it serves me.

This is a helpful thought and helps me articulate better how I feel.

I don't have a lot of answers for you JWBD, but I have observed you struggle a lot with this in the forum too. I think you kept hanging your hopes on any action she would make and you have been coming from a place where you are reacting. Think about being proactive. Healing is not contingent on another person or their actions. If we base ourselves completely in their actions then we do nothing but react. If we base ourselves in figuring out what we want moving forward then we are taking our power back and we are in control over our own lives. This is something I am coming to terms with personally right now.

[This message edited by hikingout at 1:24 PM, October 26th (Monday)]

JBWD posted 10/26/2020 16:10 PM

If we base ourselves in figuring out what we want moving forward then we are taking our power back and we are in control over our own lives.

Yes. The problem is the one thing that I know I want isnít gonna happen. My reactivity fuels that because we still communicate sporadically, and so I donít know what/when that communication will be like, or when. I have thought about how/when this boundary occurs, and itís still not a door I want to close. But I do wrestle with the increasingly prevalent sense that this and real healing are mutually exclusive.

In the meantime I continue to have to resolve that what I want my future to look like ALSO is in conflict with my current situation. Iím continuing to reframe as best I can but itís slow-going and I need to be patient. And in that process, youíre right, I am still reactive.

I appreciate the reinforcement on this, I havenít had time for IC while away in AK for the past month, so I think weíre going to take some time to make a quick assessment on where I am and how to incorporate what I DO know...

[This message edited by JBWD at 7:00 PM, October 26th (Monday)]

Neanderthal posted 10/27/2020 06:50 AM

If we base ourselves in figuring out what we want moving forward then we are taking our power back and we are in control over our own lives.
Does "what we want moving forward" have to be a long term goal? Like JBWD, I want things that aren't possible and seeing long term doesn't seem possible for me yet. So in the meantime is it ok to want to be ok in my own skin today, then the next day, and so on? Like AA, one day at a time kind of thing. I don't know, maybe that's stupid.

I completely understand the reactive thing too. I never know when the next text is coming, or what to do with it. Or how Im going to let it affect me.

Poppy704 posted 10/27/2020 07:45 AM

Neanderthal & JBWD: Baby steps! You donít have to have a bright shiny ten year plan. Think in terms of what you can do now, today, that leads you to being the healthy person youíd like to be. Make the space youíre living in conducive to a balance between productive and relaxed. Strengthen your family relationships by having real conversations. Do something that makes you proud of yourself, not because others admire it, but just because it makes you feel that way.

hikingout posted 10/27/2020 08:07 AM

I want things that aren't possible and seeing long term doesn't seem possible for me yet. So in the meantime is it ok to want to be ok in my own skin today, then the next day, and so on?

Yes, of course. I mean I am by no means any expert at this...obviously. But, when I said it to JWBD it's because he keeps watching for signs of hope with his wife and I think that's very unhelpful for him moving forward.

As for working on yourself, and your vision for your life, that's always going to be a work in progress.

But, you both have in common the thing that is going to have to be reckoned with (and I am not rushing you) and that is neither of you really want to detach from your wife/ex-wife. And, I am not saying you should or shouldn't in a blanketed way Your situations are different from one another but in some ways you are doing the same thing.

foreverlabeled posted 10/27/2020 08:52 AM

So in the meantime is it ok to want to be ok in my own skin today, then the next day, and so on?†
Not stupid at all. You know not everyone is equipped with the knowledge to handle this shit or know how to go about it. Neanderthal, there isn't a quick fix and you are only at the beginning of your work.

One of the first things I did was reevaluate my values. I made a list of 10 values that are true to me. Then I was conscious of these and made choices to uphold them one day at a time. One circumstance at a time. One thought at a time.

To be okay in your own skin you have to make authenticity a priority. What is authentic to yourself may not be to the next so really think about what makes you, you. And live up to it. Quiet the noise (fears) that fuck with your peace.

Let go of tomorrow and be present today.

JBWD posted 10/28/2020 14:46 PM

Yup. Reckoning is the best way to put it perhaps.

I am healing. And I am certainly reactive in this regard- But I donít believe this is keeping me from healing, inasmuch as itís slowing me down. Iím ok with that, this is where I am. And I am in no position to complain (even though I guess I AM here...), Iím just thinking out loud about a bit.

I am much closer to the values I have worked through, not unlike what you describe, foreverlabeled- Covey has you write a personal mission statement, which I am readdressing in conjunction with increased affirmation via my step workbooks, etc. All to say my doom and gloom feels less consistent. But those values I think may be in conflict with what is viable for a chunk of the near term, mostly tied to concessions that are necessary in light of cost of living.

Like I said, I just donít know when Iím going to be ready to close this door- Though itís pretty firmly shut from the other side, so what AM I doing?

foreverlabeled posted 11/27/2020 10:16 AM

I know holidays tend to be hard for us. Especially that particular one where you're supposed to be thankful and for some it's not exactly tangible when we experience difficult feeling for what we've damaged and lost.

I spent the day with my family, my wonderful parents and my son. I found much to be thankful for still and it was nice to be surrounded by their love.

We were originally going to cancel Thanksgiving due to COVID but my mama just couldn't bare it and collectively we decided to gather still, minus my sister and her family. They were missed.

Before our plans to go ahead with dinner, I mentioned to my DS that it was canceled. He is still in contact with my ex as its basically the only daddy he's ever known, he visits him and they still very much have a relationship. I guess DS told him about our canceled plans and ex asks DS if he wants to join him. I would have happily agreed. My ex in laws, the whole bunch are wonderful people who love DS as their own too.

Well that didn't happen because like mentioned we had ours anyway. But! To get to the point of this. DS is talking yesterday about this and that and brought up the would be dinner with him. I said something about not being able to visit with his cousins and nini, that he will be missed for sure.

He looks at me confused and said no we were going to go to his girlfriends house.


While my heart did slightly drop. There were bigger feelings about it. First, I wasn't sure how I felt about DS being around someone I know nothing about, and sure its possible if he is confident enough to introduce DS to someone it must be serious, but what if its not? I don't known yet how to process those aspects as this was just yesterday's enlightenment.

But also, I found myself happy for ex. I want him to find happiness. I want him to be happy in a relationship not tainted by his spouse's infidelity. I know he was hurt when I left and so I would love to see that hurt mended and him to move on.

And so oddly enough, I found something to be thankful in the unexpected.

Darkness Falls posted 11/27/2020 15:11 PM


I too want my H to find happiness with someone else someday. I know I donít make him happyóprobably never did. Weíll be in each otherís lives in some way for life, especially having a special-needs child. I will never wish him unhappiness or animosity.

foreverlabeled posted 12/16/2020 10:36 AM

Why do I feel so stupid and embarrassed??

I just made a first ever! dating profile. It feels so awkward.

Putting yourself out there like that, talking about all your best qualities. I took a bit of an amusing route as I spoke of myself..but then that really shows a potential suitor a big part ofme. I'm always trying to make people laugh and well I think I'm funny. So.

But yeah. It all feels so dumb.

And then I keep staring at my profile pic and the longer I look at it, I think, do I really look like that??

I'm half tempted to take it down already

kairos posted 12/21/2020 17:24 PM

Wow, it's so nice to read all your comments here. I recognize so many names. Recovery continues or doesn't continue, regardless of what happened to the relationship. I want to gather some thoughts before I add to this commentary. But I'm glad to see this post.

JBWD posted 12/22/2020 00:04 AM


Finally cracked the code, to some degree.

Placing myself in continued pain, revisiting things that Iíd destroyed. And I finally caught myself long enough to ask, ďWhy are you doing this to yourself?Ē

I then discovered- I still thought ďlooking sadĒ and feeling my hurt was going to change something/someone. And itís not.

Also rediscovered this as a piece of a lifelong pattern of punishing myself, trying to beat others to the punch. Trying to defuse deserved anger/disappointment by trying to show that I had it worse- In childhood that was destroying prized possessions.

I now see the desire to control in all of it.

Grateful for perspective. Grateful to know itís something I can keep from doing again so long as I remain honest with myself- Which feels more and more instinctual than it used to.


foreverlabeled posted 12/22/2020 08:53 AM

JBWD, I cannot tell you how refreshing it was to read your update. Hold on to this momentum. Keep going.

I now see the desire to control in all of it.
in my case, I always felt there was power in being able to control the situation or outcome. But in learning to let go, it gave me something that felt even better than that false sense of power.

I'm not sure I can even put a word to what that feeling is. But there was something reassuring about it, even a sense of sanity\comfort of all things. Idk. But you'll get used to letting go of that control and perhaps gain a shift in perspective and just know its ok.

JBWD posted 12/22/2020 22:21 PM

I'm not sure I can even put a word to what that feeling is.

Agreed. Relearning after months that Iím fresh in recovery still. A real kick into humility- Still fighting the embarrassment but I know this is honesty with my self. And it takes time.

[This message edited by JBWD at 10:23 PM, December 22nd (Tuesday)]

JBWD posted 1/1/2021 18:01 PM

Lots of goodness continuing forward. Finished my Fifth Step, which is sharing the ďsearching and fearless moral inventoryĒ of fourth step with one other person. Took time and there were some interruptions, but several hours on the beach with a chaplain friend have helped pull some layers away.

Big takeaway, I donít feel like I have to be afraid anymore. Fear of rejection and isolation is only a self-imposed barrier. And the connection and understanding that comes from the ability to talk about failures and regrets has been inspiring.

Grateful for an even greater sense of purpose and understanding.

TBH, biggest output that I see is increasing resolve to remove myself from limbo. STBXBW is afraid of financial uncertainty, and I can do whatever I can to help her manage, D or not. Beyond that I donít know what delaying D does for either of us. I think itís up for discussion. Much of the fear I described above has been hiding behind not discussing- That fearís dwindling too.

[This message edited by JBWD at 6:06 PM, January 1st (Friday)]

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