This is a situation where you shouldn’t compare your As.
Yes, and I don't try and think mine was better or any of those things. It's not so much comparing the affairs as we process what other people do through our own experiences with it?
The situation you described: some women get high on winning one over another woman.
The AP in your H’s case obviously had a shit self esteem and needed to fill her bucket by comparing even her pussy with another woman’s (eww!).
I know, who does that? It never would occur to me to ask that? I don't even have that as a question after my husband cheated on me.
As to your H: as you know, the highs of an affair kind of overshadow everything else.
Yes, that's where my experience comes in, and I can understand it on that level. The pain is in the details so this is just one I am fixated on at the moment. Mostly because I am preparing what I want to know on the poly and right now this is one of my optional questions. That's why it even came to mind.
I was actually texting and asking my WH if he’s cheating on me 😭 the day he actually took off from work to go on a fuckfest with his AP. I also struggled to understand how could he maintain an erection when I literally just texted “are you cheating on me?” (For the context I emailed his work email and got an out of office, I actually joked in my text asking him that 😞 ) . But he did maintain an erection, not once but twice and spent a lovely day with his AP.
Yeah, that's fucked up. And, I feel like a hypocrite in one way for saying it, but then I realize that I have been saying what I did was fucked up for years, so I think I can have that reaction to anything else at this point!
How did I process? Well it took a while but I understood that the A highs are above everything. I understood this when it dawned on me that nothing mattered. Our kids didn’t matter. Their pain going from seeing their parents laughing, kissing, holding hands (yes, even during the A, how is that for compartmentalisation) to a wreck of a mother and an absent minded father didn’t matter. So how could I expect a text from me to bring any guilt?
This is good food for thought.
As to your H’s conversation with the AP... I would probably be stuck more on how did he even find that attractive? If I’d have sex now with a guy who’s asking me if his junk is bigger than my ex or whatever I’d be like “erm... you have serious problems and I just dried up, no thanks”.
EXACTLY! I was very high and into the AP and if he would have said something like that to me it would have been a serious problem for me. At the same time, I think back at some of the other things that were not a problem for me at all that should have been as well. Again, not comparing, but trying to use my own knowledge/experience to try and process it.
You were in your box, the one where the cheating spouse puts their BS whilst cheating, you became fictional.
Very good point and way to put it.
Or it may have made him feel powerful, having this woman wanting to compare herself to his wife (hence reinforcing he already had the better deal at home)?
I am not sure, I think it bothered him enough for him to remember it specifically enough to disclose it. OR he was afraid that I would hear from her what his response was. (It was generic, I forget exactly what he said "Like oh yeah that's good pussy" or something like that
Affairs are fucked up. And this detail will go around in your head until you will decide to put it in the “processed” file once you accept that yes, cheaters do such cruel and shocking things during an A that you cannot recognise them as a human being.
The worst of that for me is he has said that to me numerous times over the years, unprompted. It's one of his "go tos" for dirty talk. However, that's where my own experience helps me with that part of it - it's easy to pull out of a hat. It requires no creativity. We are creatures of habit and what has worked well for us in the past.
You don't have to answer if it's too personal, but did he volunteer the info re: what she said when they were intimate, or did you ask him?
No I didn't even know this was a thing to ask him. We were trying to figure out the best way to go about some of those details because I mean he saw her all the time. This was an ongoing sexual relationship. I estimate he had sex with her almost as much has he had with me during that time. He never had performance issues with me, but there were times where he wasn't as hard as I was used to. He was able to cover his tracks well because he needed back surgery, and I thought it was a combo of some muscle relaxers and the pain.
I don't think it's even possible for him to remember each and every time start to finish, when it was or any of that. I look back on the last year of our own sex life and could tell you some things that were spectacular or out of the ordinary, the rest of it blends together, you know?
So, what I said was, tell me anything you can ever think of that stands out, or if she told me about it that it would be extremely hurtful, or anything you all did that we don't do, anything you particularly enjoyed, etc. The only thing that I don't recommend about that is you just opened yourself to get all the worst details in one sitting. It took me 3 sittings with a lot of stuff I am still trying to process. Some of it I expected, we had sex on the same day sometimes, she was a little more into kink and pornstar behaviors, etc. All that stuff I already predicted before we sat down. I know her, she is a performer/drama queen.
It's obvious to me that for him there was a higher degree of being in it for the physical, I am not surprised. He liked feeling like "the man". I would even venture to say he took a lot of pride in the fact he was in his mid 50's and seemingly keeping both of us satisfied.
Of course she minimized the sex and made him sound lousy and with constant ED to the OBS. I made sure to relay all of that back to him. I couldn't help it. But he knows that I know that some of that had to be crap, unless he was just a lot more selfish with her than me.
Anyway, this all makes me want to barf.
If she said, "Call me a dirty little bitch," he wouldn't pause to audit whether he actually felt that way about her. It's a thing his sexual partner asked him to say to heighten the experience. A terrible, disrespectful thing, I'm not minimizing that, and obviously she intended for him to actually make that comparison and "win" over you. I just think it's possible that it was an unexamined response on his side.
This does ring true to me. But as Luna was saying and I was agreeing it's hard to understand how you find her attractive after that. The problem is that I have a hard time understanding how he was finding her so attractive even with out that being a thing. I mean, she doesn't have a bad body, she is taller than me, but she has that horse face and she over plucks her eyebrows, she smokes, and he is very much a leg man and she has kind of a cankle thing going on. Plus she is obnoxious and talks so much about things that noone cares about. I guess she had that good WAP. Whatever, you know? You want that, go get it. Good luck to you.
[This message edited by hikingout at 12:53 PM, October 29th (Thursday)]