Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
manipulated

Topic is Sleeping.
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 carlcwc (original poster New Member #75634) posted at 4:17 PM on Friday, October 9th, 2020

well buckle up folks , this will be quite a read .

so my partner of 27 years manipulated a situation to end our relationship ,

we are currently and at the time it happened in a touring caravan as we have airbnb our house to raise some money.

right opposite her sister and our niece who is doing the same.

They are as thick as thieves aswell.

this happened 3 weeks ago.

she was never the discipline part of our relationship, that was always down to meet do, so fast forward one morning where our slightly autistic daughter refuses to get out of bed which would cause my other daughter to be late for school as they are 2 different drops,

so I fetch the daughter out of her bed (age 9) and put her on the lower bunk which is vacant, she then throws herself on the floor in a tantrum, to which my partner accuses me of throwing her on the floor, and shuffles off, I then have to take my other daughter to school, leaving my niece to have to take the other one.

upon her returning from school the niece informed my partner that she had gone into school upset, which my daughter denies,

massive row ensues and our airbnb guests checked out early so I went back home to let her cool off, when I came back she said that its over and need to find somewhere else to live now, as im not allowed in our caravan, I immediately found a used day van , that I have parked up behind the touring van ,so I can be there for the kids in this nuclear fallout, all hell broke loose when I told the kids what's happening and tears were shed by all.

she happened to buy herself a new phone about a month ago ,same number etc,

so the one day whilst she was out my spider senses told me this is all a bit odd that she would blow up 27 years over this , and dug out her old phone which was still connected to her messenger account, so I hooked up a portable hotspot and opened up messenger.

to my shock and gut wrenching horror she had been messaging a local who is 27, she is 48,it was as to be expecteds love heart eyes and all the other gubbins, saying she missed him and can't wait to see him, I kept switching it off every day and then only logging back in every now and again to remain covert, she then out of the blue tells the kids and me she has a job interview which her niece is taking her too, as she has severe anxiety (citalopram and valium. )and can't drive any longer.

so I log back into messenger and its no interview but a secret meeting with the other boy, all hearts and im nervous etc and I may kiss you if you like,.and talking about a new homes I log out shellshocked.

roll forward a few days I was trying to talk to her and asked why she was ending it all after all this time with 2 kids of 12 and 9 and a Beautifull lifestyle and house and she said she was just sick of me now, that's all.

I said no one blows all this up like that, she said im telling you the truth and would never lie to you , which is where I lost my composure and told her I knew where she had been, i had the photographic proof, the kids unfortunately happened to hear all this and asked her why she was lying, and she walked off and dismissed them.

now my eldest has been 100% staying with me in the day van, whilst the 9yr old just flouts in and out , some nights she will sleep here other nights with her mom, then on this night the 9yr old decided she was stopping with me aswell which would leave her alone.

we get to about 9.15pm and my partner and niece leave in her car and upon returning , my partner was missing ,so my kids asked their aunt, where she was and she said had decided to go the boys house for the night as no one wanted her.

The sheer fallout and heartbreak my kids showed crushed me ,

they were inconsolable for hours and hours., their aunt tried calling her to come back and help calm them down ,but she turned her phone off,

when she returned the following morning I confronted her about what she had done to the kids was horrific, and asked her straight out have you kissed or had sex with that boy and she swore on the kids lives that she had not.

ive told her I am willing for the sake of the children and our 27 year history , willing to look past this and put our family first,

she insists its over between us and , and wants to keep the house.

which she cannot afford .

ive explained that even if she could afford it , it has to be sold to someone else she is not getting to keep the house I worked on solidly for 2 years , that will provide her with an income and let her keep the lifestyle she has been accustomed to,

ive told her that in 3 weeks when the last tenant leaves I am moving back into the house with my eldest, and she can aswell until its sold, I have even text her this to back up my offer.

what's my next move as I really don't want to break up my family

posts: 22   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2020
id 8595992
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beenthereinco ( Member #56409) posted at 4:27 PM on Friday, October 9th, 2020

Hi carlcwc,

Sorry you are here but I'm glad under the circumstances you have found this place. You'll get a lot of help here. Please listen with an open mind and read around a bit on other threads as you will start to see the patterns of behavior of cheaters. Your WW is right in line with all of them. Nothing special at all.

I want to address just one quote here from your post.

what's my next move as I really don't want to break up my family

If you can just get one thing straight in your head now, and it is tough to do with all of this stress, please remember this. YOU ARE NOT BREAKING UP THIS FAMILY! Your WW is breaking up this family. You just need to deal with the reality of the breakage and start cleaning up the mess. She has told you what she wants. You can't make her do anything and this is all on her. She is giving you nothing to work with for even approaching Reconciliation. She says the marriage is over. You should deal with her like it is. Please read up in the top left about the 180 and start practicing it. It will give you some emotional distance to help you deal with this crap storm.

Also know this. It is almost a guarantee that a 27 year old guy is not going to want a 48 year old mother of 2. The age and life stage differences are too much. Start the 180, start the process of divorcing this woman and watch what happens. She will get dumped.

Oh and BTW. Of course they had sex, it's not even a question. Don't believe anything she says.

posts: 1429   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2016
id 8596007
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WilliamM ( Member #60910) posted at 4:34 PM on Friday, October 9th, 2020

Everything she tells you is a lie. She has been cheating for some time. She is was looking for a way to end it and used your argument as her way. This seems like an exit affair for her.

All things are possible.

posts: 1157   ·   registered: Oct. 4th, 2017   ·   location: Dallas, TX
id 8596012
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 carlcwc (original poster New Member #75634) posted at 4:42 PM on Friday, October 9th, 2020

we are not married so have not got to go through the divorce part,

my eldest is 100% coming with me ,

its just really hard atm because we moved a 5 hr drive 3 years ago, and Ieft all my friends and family up there.

posts: 22   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2020
id 8596024
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SlapNutsABingo ( Member #71353) posted at 5:01 PM on Friday, October 9th, 2020

She has been having an affair for quit some time, good chance this wasn't the first. Get yourself tested for STD's and have your kids DNA tested.

She's shown you who she is, she's shown you what she wants, believe her. It's now time to protect yourself and your children. Go see a lawyer and start the process.

posts: 383   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: WI
id 8596043
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 5:16 PM on Friday, October 9th, 2020

You're not breaking up your family. Your WSO (Wayward Significant Other) is doing that.

Gently, you have 2 big challenges right now.

First, you have the challenge of breaking up - who gets to keep what? What about child support? What about maintenance/alimony?

You need to talk with a local lawyer about your rights and duties as soon as possible.

Second, you need to start processing your feelings of grief, anger, fear, and shame. You might be able to do that on your own, You might benefit from what we call 'IC' - individual counseling or therapy.

The emotional part may be more important, because unresolved emotions can get in the way of making good practical decisions.

Right now, it looks like your family has been blown up. It's possible that your WSO will want to come back. That may or may not make R possible, but R is simply not on the table now.

In addition to posting here in JFO, you may find some help in the Divorce/Separation forum.

You're not alone. You really can survive and thrive.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:17 AM, October 9th (Friday)]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25995   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8596052
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 carlcwc (original poster New Member #75634) posted at 5:22 PM on Friday, October 9th, 2020

the kids are mine, they were IVF

posts: 22   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2020
id 8596057
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 carlcwc (original poster New Member #75634) posted at 5:30 PM on Friday, October 9th, 2020

where is the 180 page please, my heads all over the shop atm

posts: 22   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2020
id 8596061
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beenthereinco ( Member #56409) posted at 5:32 PM on Friday, October 9th, 2020

The yellow box at the top left has a link to The Healing Library. Look in there

posts: 1429   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2016
id 8596062
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 carlcwc (original poster New Member #75634) posted at 5:48 PM on Friday, October 9th, 2020

Thank you, ive just read the 180 , and the blame shifting, gaslighting untruths have already been done weeks ago and today.

ill cut off any unnecessary contact, its just difficult being 20yds from each other

posts: 22   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2020
id 8596069
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 8:28 PM on Friday, October 9th, 2020

Your next move is to get the niece and kids to corroborate your story. Make sure you take good care of the kids, and allow her to keep leaving and going to the boy. Make sure its all documented. Keep this up and you'll have full custody of your children. She is abondoning them to go to the boys house, make sure that attorney knows this.

She is now in LALA land and that's where she will stay until the OM is tired of her ass.

if you want to fix this, you'll have to wait. That is not advisable, as you will be doing the pick me dance. In her mind, she is has found a new lover boy, someone hotter, younger and may be able to give her a better lifestyle. Either way, you're competing in a game that you can't win.

If you decide that you can't take this any longer, I would suggest doing what I said above and start detaching from her and try to gain full custody of the children.

posts: 1142   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8596140
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Marriagesucks ( Member #46828) posted at 8:53 PM on Friday, October 9th, 2020

You say you're not married... You need to contact a good lawyer and find out what the laws are where you live pertaining to legal custody of your children.

Beware...This boy-toy may be the one calling the shots. He is probably making your GF feel extra special in an attempt to take over your property.

I've seen this before. A middle aged woman feeling their beauty starting to sway and leaps towards perceived perpetual youth. The young man involved looking for the 'lost city of gold' (your house).

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

posts: 2043   ·   registered: Feb. 16th, 2015
id 8596154
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 carlcwc (original poster New Member #75634) posted at 9:01 PM on Friday, October 9th, 2020

@halftime2017

the niece will never help me, she is the one who dropped her off both times to him, she follows her round like a lovesick puppy.

she was instrumental in this happening as my WS , can't drive because of her anxiety, although she has a license.

I have the dates she lied to them and dates she left them for the night available and documented.

thank you

posts: 22   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2020
id 8596155
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 carlcwc (original poster New Member #75634) posted at 9:10 PM on Friday, October 9th, 2020

@marriage sucks

from what I seen of the messages with her saying she was nervous etc , it looks like it only started to turn physical was 31st September .

the day she said she had a job interview to the kids but met up with him.

my heads all over the place atm, so the dates are confusing me tbh, but I will clarify them.

what I read off the messages were him bigging her up and saying he can't wait to see her again

posts: 22   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2020
id 8596159
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 carlcwc (original poster New Member #75634) posted at 9:15 PM on Friday, October 9th, 2020

in the articles can someone clarify what this means please

When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." (Poodlepapa)

posts: 22   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2020
id 8596160
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squid ( Member #57624) posted at 9:48 PM on Friday, October 9th, 2020

carlcwc,

Never plead or beg. In all honesty, it's best to just let her go. I know that sounds counterintuitive to what you really want. But she's a grown adult who is entitled to her own choice. Just the same, she will be subject to those consequences.

Any rational person can see that her little fantasy would never last. Once loverboy sees her kids enter the picture, he will drop her immediately. It's not all rainbow-farting unicorns when real life settle in. Which will have her running back to you. But can you really accept knowing that you are her Plan B?

She has shown you that she's a deceitful, selfish person that does not care about you and barely cares for her kids.

What that last post means is that you should move on with your life. Stop being her "husband". Don't chase after her or even talk to her about the state of your relationship. Accept in your mind (not easy to do, I know) that it's over and that you are taking steps to end the relationship and move on.

If she sees you begging and emotional it tends to make you appear weak in her mind. Which only makes her AP more attractive.

I know it's shitty now. But it will get better. Spending your time trying to make someone do what they don't want to do will make you crazy.

Aside from helping to raise the kids, you literally do not need someone like her in your life. Make no mistake, this is who she really is. Act accordingly.

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2582   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8596165
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 10:37 PM on Friday, October 9th, 2020

One last suggestion. You seem to be having a problem with telling the OMS. If I read your story correctly, you all play online poker. What better time than to make an announcement in front of the whole group. Blow the whole damn thing up. Make it clear to these miscreants that the day of messing with you is over. I didn't do these things in my case and I fucking regret it. This may sound horrible or petty, but these two deserve the worst. Show them you are not some damn doormat that they can just piss on.

posts: 411   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8596180
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RealityBlows ( Member #41108) posted at 10:44 PM on Friday, October 9th, 2020

To answer your question above:

An interpretation of The 180.

This means that you keep yourself composed at all times around her. Stay in emotional control. Do not compromise yourself. No begging. No blubbering. No temper tantrum’s. Ok to show grave disappointment and sadness but, stay composed and dignified. Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve.

All the Brits on here know what I’m talking about. Love scenes of Brits having tea on battlefields and QE telling someone to not F with her with majestic portance, diplomacy and grace.

This portrays strength and resolve. This shows maturity and a degree of emotional sophistication.

This is very attractive and respectable-especially to WS’s who underestimate and undervalues their BS.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 4:49 PM, October 9th (Friday)]

posts: 647   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8596182
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 2:25 AM on Saturday, October 10th, 2020

she insists its over between us and , and wants to keep the house.

which she cannot afford .

ive explained that even if she could afford it , it has to be sold to someone else she is not getting to keep the house I worked on solidly for 2 years , that will provide her with an income and let her keep the lifestyle she has been accustomed to,

ive told her that in 3 weeks when the last tenant leaves I am moving back into the house with my eldest, and she can aswell until its sold, I have even text her this to back up my offer.

what's my next move as I really don't want to break up my family

Next move is to act like you don't care if she leaves the family, because you still have a family with your kids. See an attorney. I know you're not married and don't have to do a technical divorce, but after 27 years together, you're quite likely to have "common law" issues. I'd see the attorney first, then take half of all banking and put it in a separate account. I'd change my payroll to go to that account as well. Move back into the house. Move the kids back into the house. And then, see what she does.

This OM is nearly twenty years younger than her. Chances are, if she's not extremely well to do, he's just looking for easy sex. So, when someone younger and more attractive comes along, he's going to dump her. Your job is to act like you don't plan on being available when that happens.

You're going to want to keep a VAR (voice-activated recorder) on your person at all times. Check your local wire-tapping laws to find out what's appropriate in your jurisdiction. If it's a two-party consent, keep it on you anyway but just make sure you announce its presence. The last thing you want is a false D/V claim.

Once you've got your financial and housing situations under control, you can just step back and let her flame out. She will too. She's old enough to be that boy's mother... and she KNOWS it.

Spend lots of time reassuring your kids and doing activities together. Remember that you want to keep information age appropriate and factual without editorializing.

posts: 4516   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8596217
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fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 2:44 AM on Saturday, October 10th, 2020

^^^^^^^^^^^This is great advice above. The 180 is to help you detach and start to heal. You are moving ahead with your life. Do no do the “pick me dance”. No begging or pleading. It makes you appear weak in her eyes. It never works. You can’t nice her back. Be there for your children. Take care of you. Always value yourself. If your partner does not value you or respect you, her loss. Always value yourself.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2794   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8596224
Topic is Sleeping.
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