Newest Member: faithfulMan911

Just Found Out :
This isn't the first time....

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Blueeye85 (original poster New Member #75465) posted at 4:05 PM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

I know I'm not to blame, but at the same time I can't help but to feel blind, gullible and outright stupid for staying after the first time. Two years ago,2018, while working night shift I came home. I saw a strange car pulling out of my driveway. My husband walking back in. Upon my entry I examined the bedroom and bathroom. Found used condoms, the bedroom stunk. D-day was a day the neighbors should have called the police with all the noise that was risen in the front yard. I've never in my life let my anger get that out of control. The police were never called. I slept in the spare room for months. We reconciled. Things were fine.

We didn't solve things though. I didn't make boundaries. I didn't do it the right way. I got depressed. I got bitter. I pushed him away. I gained weight. I was very unhappy. I never trusted him. It destroyed us.

Then 2020 happened. I had to quit my night job so that I had more energy to be home with our 2 little ones. He got a better job and better pay. Determined to not get any bigger at the beginning of 2020 and finally wanting to work on my marriage (too little too late?) I began a diet and exercise routine in March. By August 2020 I lost 50 pounds; very close to my ideal weight. Thinking this would please him. He loved my progress! He was so turned on. He loved my body so much that he asked if he could take some pictures and videos of me. To spice things up in the bedroom. This raised a red red flag that I ignored. I was reluctant because it was out of left field, but I obliged. One night after the kids went to bed I got all dolled up and we had our fun.

The next evening. He fell asleep early. He had been glued to his phone all day with it on silent, as he'd been many days prior. Something has been off. So after he was asleep. I took his phone and went to the living room. There it was, Reddit. He had posted my face and body on the internet! Everything for the world to see. His profile showed he had his profile for a month. He was also already talking to about 7 other women, EMa's with inappropriate photos and videos and one suspected Meetup. He hadn't confessed. He wasn't going to confess to posting anything or chatting. But I had taken actual screenshots and sent them to myself from his phone and showed them to him from my phone. That's was when be began getting a little honest.

Since I don't have an income or any friends/family near at the moment I have moved all my things into the spare room. He's told me he doesn't want physical contact with me. But that he's willing to work on boundaries with me and work on our relationship. I don't know if I even want that. I don't if even want him.

Married 6 years, together 7. Two kids. I moved from one coast of the country to the other coast for him and his family because I love him. He says he still loves me, that I'm the only one he actually wants. That he was only messing around. That it didn't mean anything. What does that actually mean?

posts: 2   ·   registered: Sep. 18th, 2020
id 8589031
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thatbpguy ( Member #58540) posted at 4:16 PM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

I moved from one coast of the country to the other coast for him and his family because I love him. He says he still loves me, that I'm the only one he actually wants. That he was only messing around. That it didn't mean anything. What does that actually mean?

What it means is that you and the kids move back. You have a credit card. Go! But before you do, get some help and file for D in the state you're heading back to. Whoever files first wins. File, file, file. Get back to family, look for work, get state assistance, find an apartment... It's hard as hell, but you can do it!

Leave this drip. he cares nothing about you or the kids.

ME: BHHer: WWDDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I leftDivorcedRemarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4441   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8589039
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nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 4:41 PM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

If moving would make a separation/divorce manageable then it's on the table. You can call lawyers in your home state to get a phone consult before you decide. You can also talk to lawyers locally and see what you would be entitled to if you stayed.

I think it's a red flag that your WH has said he no longer wants any physical contact with you even if you R. He's calling the shots and he has no place in doing so. If he was remorseful and R material, he would be bending over backwards to do anything you wanted or need. Instead, it sounds like he's giving up due to how it went in 2018 and just doesn't feel like putting in any work anymore. That's not your fault and has nothing to do with you. It's all about him and his selfishness. You could be a perfect wife and he'd still cheat and refuse to take full responsibility for R.

Check out the 180 in the healing library and follow it. Get as much space from him as possible while you explore other options.

posts: 4956   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8589050
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 4:47 PM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

I'm so sorry that happened to you. What a jerk!

I have to agree with BPguy though. What your WH did was a colossal act of disrespect. He's treating you like an object, not a person. This isn't a case of accidentally getting too emotionally involved with a coworker or neighbor. This was an attack on your humanity. It's unacceptable and requires a STRONG rebuttal. Let's say, you grab up the kids, go back to your family, file for D as BPguy recommends. Then, the ball is in your WH's court to catch up, pull out all the stops, and prove decisively that he's capable of change. He might not be willing or even capable of that, and if he's not, you'll know that he was never going to change. But something like this demands that you go big. Otherwise, he's never going to change and he'll treat you like shit for the rest of your life.

You do realize, don't you, that you could have him arrested in most jurisdictions if those photos were pornographic? If it were me, I'd use that as leverage to keep him from stopping me leaving.

posts: 4514   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8589052
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nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 4:52 PM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

You do realize, don't you, that you could have him arrested in most jurisdictions if those photos were pornographic? If it were me, I'd use that as leverage to keep him from stopping me leaving.

I'd like to second this. What he did with your pictures was a massive violation and illegal in many places for good reason. It falls under revenge porn. Is he even sorry he did that or is he acting like it's not a big deal? Regardless of how R or D goes, make sure he deletes all pictures and videos of you for good. The police can help you with this if he refuses.

posts: 4956   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8589057
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Catwoman ( Member #1330) posted at 4:59 PM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

There is often a residency requirement in states before you can file for a separation or divorce, so be mindful of that and understand what the laws are.

I would also look at the differences in the laws and support formulas for each state--there may be a benefit in filing in State A vs. State B. Sometimes these differences are significant.

If you do end up filing in the state where you are right now, make sure you can move back to family.

Cat

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 32936   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8589061
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 Blueeye85 (original poster New Member #75465) posted at 5:33 PM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

Thank you. Yes I do realize that the photos and videos are revenge porn. This was a huge betrayal. The part that deeply saddens me is that he used it to lure individuals for threesomes and other play. No I don't have credit. He ruined our credit after moving here because he is a drunk. I'm in the process of fixing all his mistakes he kept hidden from me for 2 years. The lies and betrayal go far beyond sex. I believe he is keeping around for an accountant and babysitter at this point. If I reported the revenge porn then he will lose his job and the kids lose their home and food. I can't do that to my babies. I will look for work here. Once I can move out I will but will need to stay local. I live in a common wealth. Here the man is always right. So if I leave out of state with the kids he can report them kidnapped. And I will be thrown in jail.

The law is 9 months in separate addresses locally before an D is allowed. But moving to the other side of the country is not in my budget at the moment. I would if I could make it. I literally have no support. My family has wrote me off because I choose to be with him. My fault. They were right. I haven't done right by my kids or my family.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Sep. 18th, 2020
id 8589078
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nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 7:19 PM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

If you reach out to your family and let them know that you're ready to work on leaving, they may surprise you with their support. And see a lawyer before you make any decisions for a consultation. If you know what you may be getting for child support then you can figure out how much you will have to make working to be independent.

posts: 4956   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8589131
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 7:38 PM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

You need to report the revenge porn. Also, if the Judge gets note of that, he will probably lose custody of the kids. You will get temp orders including child and spousal support. If you are going go D, I would suggest going after him on the revenge porn issue. That would be tremendous help to you. How fucken cruel and nasty of him to do that with his own wife. That is some form of sickness.

posts: 1141   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8589137
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gmc94 ( Member #62810) posted at 9:01 PM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

I would also look at the differences in the laws and support formulas for each statethere may be a benefit in filing in State A vs. State B. Sometimes these differences are significant.

this could be super important, so if you are contemplating moving, move to a state that will help you and your kids the most.

I would not tell him you are contemplating D- that could raise red flags on his side and he can beat you to the courthouse and file in your current state (which may - or may not- be better for you... you have to see attys to know that).

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3365   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8589156
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 11:21 PM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

I agree with the advice you're getting.. contact your family, see an attorney and do it quickly. It's going to be a hard sell that you're outraged about the revenge porn if you wait weeks or months on end.

posts: 4514   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8589205
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 3:06 PM on Sunday, September 20th, 2020

Is there a women’s shelter in your area? Ask the police. This was abuse which is continuing. Could he be a sociopath?

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2899   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8589666
Topic is Sleeping.
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