Newest Member: faithfulMan911

Just Found Out :
Can’t get any worse.

Topic is Sleeping.
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Countingsheep65 ( Member #56000) posted at 12:41 AM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

No advise, but, if she’s in her 50’s I highly doubt she’s pregnant.

posts: 424   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2016
id 8588798
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GoldenR ( Member #54778) posted at 1:02 AM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

First thing we need to establish...they had sex a lot, not just that one night.

Next...your W, when she left that night to go to his house, SHE MADE HER CHOICE and it was not you. But then it all went south for her. After sex, she told him she was leaving you for him and he let her know that he would not be entering into a real relationship with someone her age.

What happens next? She suddenly realizes that she has to go for her backup plan: YOU.

Can you live with her knowing if he would've wanted her, she wouldn't have "chosen" you. Chosen is in quotes bc there was actually no choice left. You were all that was left. You were "chosen" by default.

My question is...

Why is she the one doing the choosing? SHE CHEATED. You're the one now that gets to decide if you want her, not the other way around.

Let her know that you're leaning towards D (even if you're not) and that shes needs to convince you not to file. If she takes no action? Then you file and tell her she has until the day befor the D is final to convince you call it off.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 7:06 PM, September 17th (Thursday)]

posts: 2642   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8588804
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Tanner ( Member #72235) posted at 1:05 AM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

First, I’m sorry you are here. Listen to the advice already given. Just know advice here is not to attack or make you feel worse, it’s to break through the shock you are going through. Many of us made big mis steps at Dday and it hurts to see someone going through it. We want you to take control of this right now!!!

Find your anger and detach immediately. When I finally stood up to her and said I’M DONE!!! I took control of

mine and my kids future, She got with the program very quickly. Don’t take another minute of this shit. Come here often because when he dumps her she will come crawling back and you need the collective experience here, if you let her get away with this she will continue to jerk you around . Best wishes Brother.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54
WW 47
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown, twin boys 12 yo 2 grandkids

One day you will tell your story how you overcame what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.

posts: 710   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8588805
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waitedwaytoolong ( Member #51519) posted at 1:19 AM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

Tell your daughter. See how that goes over

I am the cliched husband whose wife had an affair with the electrician

Divorced

posts: 1837   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2016
id 8588812
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Dismayed2012 ( Member #49151) posted at 3:08 AM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

Sorry to hear about your situation Matt but seeing this, "if she’s carrying his child I just don’t know what I’ll do", I have to say...Are you sh*ting me? You seriously don't know what to do if your cheating wife is carrying another man's child?

I went through exactly what you're going through with the disbelief and questioning how and why. I found out that it doesn't matter how, why, or otherwise.

The thing you must focus on is that your wife is and has cheated on you and she's likely done it more than a time or two. You also need to focus on the fact that she's lying to you and will keep lying to you. Again, focus...you gave her an ultimatum and she immediately went to the other man. Then you removed the ultimatum after she proved beyond a doubt that she considers you a chump. Dude, you like many of us did, are doing everything wrong here.

I know it's difficult; I've been there too. You've got to get a hold on yourself and act like a man. It's your job to bring sanity back into this situation. There's no time for whining and whimpering. You have two primary goals. 1. Get yourself out of infidelity by any means necessary and 2. Take your life back.

You gave your life to that woman and she's proving to your face what she thinks of your years of sacrifice. It's time to get angry (not physically) and decide what your future is going to be. That woman should no longer have any say in anything that you do. She should no longer have any say in your life whatsoever. She's given that right up. She's violated her marriage contract with you; it's now null and void.

You can get out of this situation if you listen to the posters on this site. They all have experience and they're willing to share what worked and what didn't. Realize that your situation is no different than anyone else's. If you employ the advice that we're giving you, you'll get through this and your life will be better in the end. So please stop being a doormat. Lay down the rules and stick to them come hell or high water. The first of which should be going back to your first ultimatum to her and doing what you said you would do; she shouldn't be in your house. And if the kids don't like it, they should go with her. This is your life and your future we're talking about.

Take care of yourself. I wish the best for you.

Infidelity sucks. Freedom rocks.

posts: 1798   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Central KY
id 8588841
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Kaliber ( Member #74046) posted at 11:33 AM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

Matt, Sorry you are here!

You said:

We argued and she walked out I told her that if she went to him not to return.

She went straight to his Ouse and stayed the night. I was devastated but had my answer. The following day she arrived back home saying it had been an awful mistake. I asked if they had sex she said no, after a while she told me that they had slept together but because he didn’t climax it didn’t count.

Don't believe her, they did have sex!

I mean even if nothing happened (and I doubt that) going there and planing to do it should be at the same level of actually doing it!

Never believe a cheater!

She has nuked your marriage by starting an affair and spending the night at another man's house, given her self and body to him.

And she didn't care of any consequences, why is that?

Usually people hide their affairs and do things secretly, but she did it in front of you, without care!

Does she have no fear that you will do something about it?!

She returned and you didn't do any thing to make her face any consequences!

Listen to me, it seems to me that she is running the show, and you are just waiting on the side for her to make up her mind. you let her take control of the marriage and call the shots while you are standing in shock and disbelieve of what she did with this scumbag!

You are analyzing this guy and focusing on who he is and comparing your self to him, it doesn't work that way in affairs!

You need to be decisive and take leadership in the relationship failing to do so from the moment you found out about them made her realize that you are not going anywhere, and will not do any thing, and that my friend will make here lose more attraction to you and makes you look weak, so be decisive and take control!

You are failing to hold her accountable for her actions, that will make you look weak compared to that young dude she is banging, don't do that!

You need to show her actions and make her face server consequences for her poor choices, or you will be in for a nasty ride for the rest of your life!

Don't do the pick me dance, it will backfire on you and make you look extremely weak.

Don't market your worth to her and show her you are better than her affair partner, you are not in a competition with him, you are already her husband and for 25+ years!

Don't try to nice her back, it will not work!

Be decisive and take actions!

Shock her! Serve her with divorce papers at work, the process will take time, in this time you can decide if you want to go through it or reconcile (your choice), the divorce papers is important to create a time frame for her to see if she is willing to do the work and fix the damage she has done, if not, you already started the process!

Expose her to every one, or her family side at least.

Don't be like many betrayed spouses who were weak and never took actions and stayed in hell for years, the damage to your mental and physical health will be huge, and at you age I wouldn't gamble on that!

After 25 years she does that!

A complete disrespect for you and for the marriage that lasted this long!

Is that her first affair?

She seems to go for what she wants, and not care about any thing!

Judging from her character, I wouldn't be surprised if she had previous affairs that you don't know about!

I would DNA the kids (even if you know they are %100 yours) just to show her how she broke the trust after 25 years, and nothing in the 25 years is true anymore!

Buddy, you are worthy of being happy and respected, know your worth and value your self, once you do that, you will know you deserve better than her!

[This message edited by Kaliber at 6:21 AM, September 18th (Friday)]

You don't have a choice of being a victim, but you always have a choice of remaining one!

posts: 145   ·   registered: Mar. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Germany
id 8588939
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 12:12 PM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

Time to shine a light on her A with her child lover.

Start the legal proceedings and have her served at her place of employment. It can be stopped at any time, if you can live with this betrayal. Don’t hang around for the children’s sake. Get tested for STDs and STIs. There is a lot more to their sex acts.

Try to eat healthy, get to the Dr and IC for yourself. Hard 180 and be a grey rock towards your WW.

If You want to R then she has a lot of work and effort to flush her actions and deliberate lies.

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8588941
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 12:49 PM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

No advise, but, if she’s in her 50’s I highly doubt she’s pregnant.

I didn't want to be the first to say that..

I'd say the odds of pregnancy with the 25 year old are low. Because, biology.

I'd say the odds of a sexually transmitted disease after unprotected sex with a 25 year old are middling to high. Depending on the 25 year old. Because.. biology. This is an example of a 25 year old that will doesn't seem to enforce discretion about his partners.

So, NOW.. she's basically drinking herself to sleep and refusing to discuss your problems? She has destroyed her marriage and her family. Does that fact not even resonate with her? Is there any remorse, even a little regret? She said she made a "huge mistake". No, no she didn't. Adultery isn't a mistake. She wasn't "confused" at all. The "confusion" is only manipulation and justification for getting some 25 year old's penis.. and you and your family paid the price for it.

Will there at least be consequences, or is this all too nasty to discuss like rational adults now?

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8588953
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squid ( Member #57624) posted at 6:33 PM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

Matt,

How are you doing? You've gotten a lot of good advice.

If you're intent on trying to R, you need to focus on killing the affair. Exposure and filing are typically the best bets at achieving this. You can always call off the divorce process if she proves herself to be a viable candidate. Right now, she is not that.

At this point, everything will be excruciatingly slow. Trying to elicit the truth from her will seem impossible. Assume everything she says is a lie until SHE can prove it to be true.

Also, any "truth" that she has revealed is only the tip of the iceberg. Cheaters lie and minimize. Be ready for A LOT more. "We only kissed" and "We had sex once" are the biggest lies we hear around here.

Very sorry you are here. I hope you've contacted an attorney already.

[This message edited by squid at 12:35 PM, September 18th, 2020 (Friday)]

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2582   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8589110
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totallydumb ( Member #66269) posted at 10:37 PM on Wednesday, September 23rd, 2020

Hey Matt,

How are you doing?

If you see your ex with someone else--don't be jealous. Our parents taught us to give our old,used toys to the less fortunate.

posts: 454   ·   registered: Sep. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Alberta, Canada
id 8590778
Topic is Sleeping.
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