Topic is Sleeping.
MattW (original poster New Member #74787) posted at 4:24 PM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020
Thanks for all the advice, I’m going to read through it all later,
There’s so much to take in at the moment and I know this has probably been asked before but what I’m failing to understand is how can a person who I’ve lived with for 26 years suddenly be so heartless and utterly different from the person I thought I knew. We’ve got three great children, a life together and she’s walking out for a 25 year old misfit who lives with his brother and dad in practically a derelict house, hie’s a weed smoking no hoper who stacks shelves at the local shop, there is absolutely nothing that’s nice about him, they live like pigs and he rarely washes. As far as I know my wife’s the first woman that’s shown an interest in him, what the hell he s going on ?
Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 4:34 PM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020
how can a person who I’ve lived with for 26 years suddenly be so heartless and utterly different from the person I thought I knew.
Go back to page 1 of this thread and read through my to-do list for getting you out of infidelity. Item #2 is:
2. Accept that this is your wife, not a space alien or demon who possessed your wife. This is actually WHO YOUR WIFE IS. People are able to constrain their powerfully toxic neuroses for a time, but eventually the mask slips. This is who you married. It's a part of her.
It's a terrible shock and I know the feeling of unreality you have, the surreal quality to it, like you're walking around in a set piece from the movie "Inception" on dream level 5 or something. You're not. This is reality. It's happening.
You have to accept that this is who your wife is and let her go be this dysfunctional toxic person she kept hidden from you.
Does this define her in toto? No, of course not. But it's a BIG part of her personality. People don't just wake up one day and decide to do these toxic things accidentally.
The sooner you accept this and see a divorce attorney and file on her, the better off you will be. Divorce filing is not a final thing and the process takes awhile, but it will snap her out of her fantasy immediately. This relationship with this boy is not going to last very long, I assure you.
Right now you are allowing her to treat you as plan B she can fall back on. She has you to provide her with everything else and her boy toy for the fun. The instant you withdraw everything else, she'll be left with nothing except the boy toy. Get it?
what the hell he s going on ?
Let's not over complicate this with a bunch of psychobabble. What's going on is that your WW is a lustful, selfish fallen human being who saw an opportunity for NSA sex, took the opportunity, has enjoyed it, didn't regard you enough to think about the toxic fallout, and thought she would get away with it.
Don't try to untangle the skein of her fuckedupedness, just accept it. Life is far too short for you to puzzle over this.
It's not that complicated. She fell into lust.
You don't have to be religious in any way to understand the wisdom of Proverbs 30:20. Read it and see what you think. They knew all of this stuff 4,000 years ago because it was happening back then, too.
[This message edited by Thumos at 10:39 AM, September 17th (Thursday)]
"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."
BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20
Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 4:42 PM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020
I’m going to read through it all later,
Some things you can delay. Some things you cannot such as:
-Getting an STD test on yourself. You need to know if you've been exposed
-Getting a VAR to carry around in your pocket to protect yourself
-Telling her parents and her siblings immediately
-Implement the hard 180 now
-Schedule an appointment with an attorney
-Tell the OM's girlfriend if he has one
I know it's hard and you feel crippled. Scrape yourself off the floor and at least do these things.
"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."
BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20
ThisIsSoLonely ( Member #64418) posted at 5:18 PM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020
This is the question that all of us have asked at one point in time or the other:
I’m failing to understand is how can a person who I’ve lived with for 26 years suddenly be so heartless and utterly different from the person I thought I knew?
The real answer is that none of us knows 100% why/who/what happened. I guess the other answer we all find out is that you cannot know anyone completely, and that what you have found out is the same thing that the rest of us did: we didn't know our spouse/partner nearly as well as we thought. This is a character flaw - and whether they (or you/I) like it or not - they had this the whole time. When push comes to shove, when the shit hits the fan, this is who they are capable of being. For me, knowing that - owning it - made it just about impossible for me to R (I never say never). Simply put, I didn't want to be with someone who is capable of this, because not everyone is. What the A and the aftermath did for me was show me that this person I had chose to be my partner WAS one of those people who were capable of horrible things - and the A was the least of it - my WH's treatment of me in the aftermath was what did it. I could have gotten over the A - but his manipulative, disrespectful, and sometimes downright mean behavior afterwards - for me, it meant "peace out."
“Sometimes you're going to have to let one person go a thousand different times, a thousand different ways, and there’s nothing pathetic or abnormal about that. You are human.” - Heidi Priebe
KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 5:35 PM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020
MattW. This is terrible to read.. a wife in her 50s deluding herself like this and spooning over a guy who (let's be 100% realistic here) is after some easy tail. She really ought to be embarrassed, but I'm not sensing that, I'm seeing maybe regret that her comfortable life with you might be in jeopardy, but not even much of that. There are expectations what a TRULY REMORSEFUL partner looks and acts like when they want to save a marriage. Like they should crawl over broken glass to do what needs to be done to reconcile..and CLEARLY COMMUNICATE THAT. That's the only.. repeat ONLY indication you'll get from her that even attempting reconciliation is worth another minute of your time. If it's not there, then I can confidently predict your attempts to "fix" this are going to fail. Reconciliation isn't about doing an overnight at her boyfriend's house. Reconciliation isn't about uncertainty. Reconciliation IS about (as has been stated by several people already) HARD WORK. Sacrifice. Naked, ruthless self analysis. Respectfully, gently, she isn't remotely close to being there. Drinking herself to a stupor to avoid any unpleasant discussions isn't going to do it. She isn't close to being interested enough to continue your marriage, Matt, unless there's something you haven't told us yet.
I'm not saying she won't EVER be there, but she's not there now. She IS in an adulterous affair with a boy half her age. THAT is what's going on. now. You need to take action, NOW, to protect yourself. WHen people say this, they're not nagging you. We've seen this stuff before and know how this will ultimately play out (or at least several variations of exactly this story).
I strongly advise you read Thumos's last three posts very carefully, and Unhinged's on the first page. You will see a lot of this information, repeated over and over.. because it works, and it's important to get to it quickly before this situation goes from BAD to WORSE. I won't repeat what they have to say, Thumos in particular presents the action list rather well. Read about the stuff you need to do immediately (testing for disease, seeing a barrister, protecting your finances). Your children already know about your affair. Make sure your extended family knows about it, because it is very likely she will be staying somewhere else soon.
what I’m failing to understand is how can a person who I’ve lived with for 26 years suddenly be so heartless and utterly different from the person I thought I knew.
I'm not going to be heartless as I know you are in grief, but your wife's actions are typical selfish and terrible decision making I associate with affairs. Nothing unique about them. We've seen this many times. Your wife is deciding to act. Her actions aren't mistakes, they don't "just happen". Adultery is just a series of conscious choices that get worse and worse until your partner decides sexual activity is just fine with them. She has cast aside her commitment to you, to her family, destroyed her marriage (because, like it or not, that has happened). Why? For 25 year old penis. Not to be blunt, but that was more important to her than a lifetime with you. Once you frame what has happened in blunt and realistic terms, the path forward to action usually becomes clear.
I wish you the best Matt, I know you are going through hell right now and I have nothing but sympathy. Be there for your kids, focus on your own healing (she won't help you with that, of course).
Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill
BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place
Westway ( Member #71747) posted at 5:37 PM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020
The only thing your WW will understand is strong, decisive measures on your part. You have acted too complacent, waiting for her to show you something. You need to take the lead of getting yourself out of adultery. She's too stuck in la la land pining for her boy toy. You cannot compete with him, so stop trying. Go see a lawyer.
XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater
Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 5:46 PM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020
she’s walking out for a 25 year old misfit who lives with his brother and dad in practically a derelict house, hie’s a weed smoking no hoper who stacks shelves at the local shop, there is absolutely nothing that’s nice about him, they live like pigs and he rarely washes.
She’s picked him over you. Those are the facts
Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 6:08 PM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020
hie’s a weed smoking no hoper who stacks shelves at the local shop, there is absolutely nothing that’s nice about him, they live like pigs and he rarely washes.
She doesn't see this she sees that she has two men fighting over her. One is her husband that would do anything to keep her and one is a guy half her age that is wooing her.
You need to do a hard 180. This will knock her out of the fog and give you a clear look at who she really is. She should be moving mountians to win you and your trust back. She's not. She's calling all the shots and your letting her. It would be far better to detach from this mess of a WW and hope she turns herself around than to wallow in this situation wondering why? and HOw? she can do this to her family. She can because you not stopping her and she enjoys it.
Do you have access to her phone? Computer? Would she take a poly? Has she read any books on helping you heal from her Affair? What actions has she taken to earn back your trust? She still works with the guy... she is still in the affair. Hard 180
HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 6:23 PM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020
It sounds like your children are also aware. Are they giving your wife shit for this?
If your other family members don't know, I would let them all know as well. Usually, that type of exposure and embarrassment will force them to stop.
IN addition, this kid who is 25ish, has no long term interest in your wife. He is using her for sex and money she might be providing him. I think that once he is fully exposed, he might quickly dump your wife as well b/c he's probably going to jump onto some other ass closer in age to him. No 25 yr old is really interested in a relationship with a 50 yr old women, with kids...... Your wife is in for a rude awakening soon.
I think you need to ask yourself if you can really get over this. She is disrespecting you like no ones business, in front of not only you, but the kids. Their coworkers may know something is up as well. Can you live with this? She is giving up a good man, to go fuck some weed smoking loser. Can you swallow that shit for the rest of your days? Right now, she is hoping you will just let it go, and at the same time telling you that she wants to try this relationship out. She said she needs time to think = she wants to fuck her boytoy for awhile longer and see if it works out. If not, she will go back to you. Are you willing to wait around and be her backup plan? No man or women should wait around to be someones backup plan.
I did just that. I waited for my exWW for a 2 weeks to get her head out of her ass, but ultimately that becomes regret. Right now, you're scrambling to save a marriage that is beyond broken, for your kids, for financial reasons, for your lost future. IN about 4-6 months, you're going to wake up and hate yourself for even trying to be her back up plan. That is what we are trying to instill in you now. So that you can wake up, not make the same mistakes that many of us did on D-Day to play the pick me dance b/c it doesn't work. What works is you become decisive, let your wife know today that she quit this relationship, write that fucker off, and go no contact, in addition to work. If she waivers, you tell her ass to leave and start the Divorce process. That is your only workable option.
You're going to be skeptical of this advice, and that is okay, everyone is when they come on here. SO spend some time reading all the other post and see what has worked and what hasn't and you'll see a trend. Decisive men, who won't take bullshit from their spouses fair a lot better then those who waiver back and forth, and beg their wives to stay. Even if your wife stays, in about 4 months - 1yr you're going to be hating yourself for begging her to love you over another man who is not her husband.
fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 6:35 PM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020
Let me emphasize something Thumos mentioned. Right now your WW has little respect for you. You have been doing the pick me dance. You have been trying to nice her back. This never, ever works and it makes you look weak in her eyes. Detach. Read in the healing library and implement the 180. There is a saying here that you have to be willing to risk losing your M in order to have any chance of saving it. Stop doing the pick me dance. Value yourself. Take care of yourself. Good luck.
[This message edited by fareast at 12:42 PM, September 17th (Thursday)]
Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.
notanotherchance ( Member #46677) posted at 6:50 PM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020
We argued and she walked out I told her that if she went to him not to return.
She went straight to his Ouse and stayed the night. I was devastated but had my answer. The following day she arrived back home saying it had been an awful mistake. I asked if they had sex she said no, after a while she told me that they had slept together but because he didn’t climax it didn’t count.
Words are very cheap my man. Telling her not to come back if she went, she does, has sex with the POS, returns home & says all is good and you do nothing?
Meanwhile you are just sitting there letting your WW dictate the conversation, and you doing absolutely nothing. If you do absolutely nothing then absolutely nothing will change. When ever she feels like a good lay she will head to his house for some sex then return to her BS who does nothing. Time to Lawyer up file for D, expose to family, friends & her HR upon advice from your Lawyer.
Your WW needs to have the reality of her wrecklesness towards your family, marriage & your health face some consequences
[This message edited by notanotherchance at 12:51 PM, September 17th (Thursday)]
Stinger ( Member #74090) posted at 6:58 PM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020
Oh yeah, a 25 year old dating his mom, essentially. If she is not mortified, he certainly will be, eventually. Maybe they can go skateboarding together.
Your wife must be an idiot, in addition to being an immoral jerk.
Newlifeisgreat ( Member #71308) posted at 7:15 PM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020
Today’s To-Do List
-Go to Walmart/Staples/Best Buy and get a Voice Activated Recorder(VAR). Make sure there are new batteries in it and keep it on you at all times. When her fantasy world collapses, you will need that VAR to protect yourself. If you think she is being selfish/crazy now, just wait until you see what she is like when she is about to lose her comfy lifestyle.
- call your doctor and make an appointment to see your doctor. Tell them that your wife is having an affair and you need to get tested for every STD. You might also want to request some sleeping pills and, if needed, anti-depression or anti-anxiety meds.
-talk to friends that have gotten divorced. Ask for recommendations for divorce attorneys. You will be shocked at the number of guys who recommend their ex wife’s attorney.
- call and set up an appointment with AT LEAST ONE attorney. You should call to make an appointment with a few more tomorrow.
- call her parents, siblings, and close friends and ask them if they know that she has been sleeping with a slimebag 1/2 her age. You do this so she can not rewrite the history of your marriage and claiming that you were abusive or the bad guy.
- subtly and without Her knowing, take photos and. More importantly, VIDEOS of her drinking and getting drunk. You will need this for court when custody is being determined.
- start detaching from her emotionally. Try to distance yourself from her as much as possible! Tell her that unless it is about kids, you don’t want to talk to her.
Refuse to be her Plan B!!!! Everyone deserves better than that!!!
Stay Strong and Good Luck!!!
Don’t hesitate to lean on family and friends!!! They want to be there for you! Wouldn’t YOU want to be there for your loved ones when there are facing a personal crisis? Of course you would. So don’t worry about asking them for help
Betrayed SpouseShe cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being AdulteryDivorced 9/18Now VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets
ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 7:25 PM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020
I’m failing to understand is how can a person who I’ve lived with for 26 years suddenly be so heartless and utterly different from the person I thought I knew.
Most of us at SI wondered the same thing.
As humans, we are wired to be attracted to certain things. A man in his 50s would probably have a WOW moment if a 25 year old would offer some NSA sex. A woman in her 50s would probably have a WOW moment if a young 25 year old flirts with her. But for most of us, we get flattered and move on, because we know that leaving and hurting a family and spouse for a fantasy makes no sense.
If you google search (google image) “then a miracle occurs flowchart”, it’s kinda like that for waywards.
There’s some sort of “negative miracle” where they don’t consider how their actions and decisions hurt the people around them. They like the sex/compliments/ validation and they want more. Fantasy over reality.
What your WW said, that she wants to see how it goes with her BF, is incredibly, incredibly selfish. It’s despicable (and will admit it’s a trigger for me).
My XWW was like that. After D day, she was openly dating her new BF in my face. I know what you’re going through and I’m sorry.
Imagine you really like cars. Then someone parked a Ferrari, in a school zone, with the keys in it. Most people would go... nice car! But you decide to take the car, step on it, hit a few school children on the way and hit a tree. Then blame the Ferrari owner. Why do it? Well because it’s a Ferrari.
In reality, none of us knows WTF is wrong with our Wayward.
What I have learned from my experience with my WW openly dating her new BF in front of me and getting annoyed at how depressed I was... is the following:
Don’t be sad because you’re “losing” your spouse to “competition”. Be pissed and say: How dare you treat me that way??? You want me, your husband, to complete with some random guy? Hell no. Go with your boyfriend. You’ll gain a loser and I’ll get rid of a self-centered cheater.
[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 1:28 PM, September 17th (Thursday)]
I plan on living forever. So far so good
The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 7:54 PM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020
A little insight into your wife. I only Know this b/c my H had an affair and the OW was 20 years younger. Typical midlife crisis. And yes he was planning to D me for someone he knew less than 6 months.
The OW was a tattoo covered social media idiot. Her boobs hung out of every shirt she owned. She was proud of her assets. Every part of her was tattooed. Boobs neck shoulders arms etc.
My H felt needed and had the KISA syndrome. You know knight in shining armor mentality. I view your wife as being in the same situation. She feels needed. She fell for this guy’s sob story. She’s going to “save” him.
I don’t know how we survived it but we were at the Divorce door. Luckily my H pulled his head out of his butt and Stopped his delusional thinking that she was the one for him. She saw $ and the good life. He saw her “free spirit and creativity”.
I saw a bunch of idiots who had an unhealthy Addiction to each other and thought it was true love.
I hope this helps you.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 8:11 PM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020
This is really bad. To top it off she may be pregnant with the low life's child. There is no excuse for her callous disregard for you, your children, and your marriage. She walked out and went to his house to spend the night after you warned her not to come back. Follow through with your threat. Get a lawyer, divorce her, and move on. Look at it as if she died. Because the idea of what you thought you had as a wife is dead. I cannot emphasize how utterly horrible her behavior has been. I also agree with the others that it is likely the affair continues or at least she will be called up periodically for a booty call by the low life.
leafields ( Member #63517) posted at 9:49 PM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020
she may well be pregnant
Possible? Yes. Probable? No. If she does think she's pregnant, she shouldn't be drinking that much. Getting pregnant naturally after 50 is about a 1% chance.
My STBXWH's AP had a pregnancy scare (she was 54), and even went so far as to get an ultrasound to find out she wasn't pregnant. And - she was going to keep the baby.
So sorry you had to join our club. Give yourself grace during this time. Take the advice you need and leave the rest.
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021
steadychevy ( Member #42608) posted at 9:51 PM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020
MattW, your WW wants you to sit and wait patiently while she test drives her young stud. She needs more time to get to know him better to see if she should pick him or you. You're letting her.
My WW said almost the same thing after DDay. I asked her what she knew about him. Personal things like favourite music, colour, what books, etc. She knew nothing. The reason. She only had time to fuck and not to get to know each other because she had to get home to me or I would be suspicious. See. My fault.
Don't do the pick me dance. Don't try to nice her back. Don't give her time to test drive the little boy anymore. Consequences. When someone has shown you who they are, believe them.
Can you see how addled she is? She wants you to let her test drive him and wait patiently so she can make up her mind. My WW wanted the same thing. She needed to get her own place to figure out if she loved me or not which means to see if her POS COW was who she wanted to be with. I told her she could go but never come back and meant it. She never left but cried. I didn't even know she was committing adultery then.
She wants to make up her mind. If she needs to think about it don't you think she needs to be gone. MAKE UP YOUR MIND, MattW.
BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020
SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 11:53 PM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020
There's a reason we have divorce in our society... your marriage situation and your wife's behaviour are why.
26 years and now this, sorry man.
Tempocontour ( Member #65971) posted at 12:24 AM on Friday, September 18th, 2020
When she left and stayed over at the OM house, you told her to not come back. BUT you let her come back. You know she just had sex with the OM. Yet you did nothing. You let her get away with it. She need to suffer some consequences for the cheating. To save your marriage, you must be willing to destroy it by telling friends and family, make her sleep somewhere else, preferable outside of the house like her parents, at the least not in the master bed with you. This is to get her out of the fog, to remorse, to realize the affair was a big mistake and she wants to save the marriage. If the end game is to divorce then play very nice, sweet as can be so she wouldn't be too demanding and trying to get everything. Good luck.
Topic is Sleeping.