Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
Advice

Topic is Sleeping.
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 DesignerComputer (original poster New Member #75442) posted at 7:36 PM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

Thank you for taking the time to read this in advance, I will try to shorten it as much as I can.

I'm a 36 male and my soon to be ex-wife is 35. We met in high school and started dating (19 years ago). Yes, we were high school sweethearts...we moved in together shortly after she graduated from high school. We have no children and really didn't want any as we were young and struggling financially. I worked most of the time and she was in school. Everything seemed fine, I loved her very much. I proposed to her a few years later in New Orleans and she accepted. We never set a date, but within a couple of years we would marry and spend the rest of our lives together.

During this time, we were renting a house and I was working overnight. She was about to finish her first degree. Seemed to be going good, but I noticed recently that she started getting a lot of texts on her phone. We had always had an open relationship, so I asked her-she said it was a cousin that I hadn't met (I knew all of her family, I didn't have any family to speak of). Thinking this was odd I grabbed her phone while she was in the shower (getting ready to have sex) and was floored. "I love you baby" and "sweet dreams baby" was all I could read before my heart sank.

I confronted her when she stepped out, she denied everything. I was mad and left to go cool off. I came back an hour later and she was crying in the kitchen-she then came clean that it was a mutual friend from high school and that they were having an emotional affair (not physical). It lasted a couple of weeks. He was already married with children. She stopped it immediately and apologized and seemed remorseful. I missed a day of work as I cried for a couple of days-I was devastated. It took a few years to forgive her, but I finally did, and we were married in 2012.

I was still working and now she was also after graduating. We moved into a new apartment...a fresh, new start. She decided to go back for another degree and worked at the same time. I was also in school and working. There seemed to be no more problems. At the end of 2019, she graduated and decided to become a travel technician, in which I would go along with her (with our one house cat). I was also laid off at this time from a company I had been with for over six years-they went bankrupt. In January of this year we left for her first contract, Austin, TX (400 miles away). We sold, donated or gave away everything we had, as we were going to become minalmists to help pay down the student loan debt we had occurred over the years. Sold one of our vehicles, books, TV, couch, everything except a few boxes of keepsakes and our newer car.

We packed up what we had, along with our cat, and I drove to Austin. It was an odd thing, to find a short term place to stay with a pet (the company usually provides this as per the contract). We ended up at a cheap motel that accepted pets, no oven, no kitchen. It was...difficult to say the least. It was a big adjustment for both of us. Then Covid hit and I ended up getting it. I was out for a week in bed, but recovered fine.

I started drinking more than, as I missed my old way of life and having a hard time adjusting to our new situation. We were both drinking heavily one night and got into a fight. I said SOMETHING that upset her and she told me she wished I would go and commit suicide as I held her hair from the toilet. Something changed then, but our anniversary was coming up and it seemed everything was fine. A couple of weeks later, the company canceled the contract due to Covid, so I drove us back home to stay with her mother. It took three weeks for her to find another contract in the middle of Arizona (1,300 miles away). We packed up and I drove us there. It was wonderful...a five star villa with mountain views, housekeeping every week, fire pits, pools, spas, etc. It was much better than Austin and we felt good about it. She worked the day shift, while I went to school, as I was almost done with my degree.

A few weeks pass, and she says she is going out with some new friends that she worked with. I went out and bought chips and wine for them to have a "girl's night out." She came home later and said she had fun. The next week, she wanted another night out, so she went, but never texted me anything (again, we had open communication of our whereabouts and what we are doing). She got home at 1AM, half drunk. I was disappointed to say the least, but didn't want to fight then. She had to be at work in four hours, so she went to bed.

When she came home that evening from work, she sat down and said, "I'm leaving you...we married the wrong person." My heart sank yet again...I spent the next week pleading, begging and crying. She never told me anything else, but that she needed time to think, some space and that one of us had to go. The next morning, I took our car to get new tires, new brakes and an oil change, then drove us to Phoenix so I could catch a plane ride home...to a place that no longer exists (we broke the lease to our apartment one month after renewing it-$4,500 still owed). I cried the entire time flying-I had a duffle bag with some clothes and a ten year old laptop to my name...A friend picked me up at the airport and has let me stay with him until I get something better.

I felt terrible that first week...I just knew I had did something or didn't do something that caused all this pain and sadness that I felt. I cried all day...there was no contact between us. I was alone for the first time in my adult life, with no degree, no job, no car, no house...nothing.

I was paying bills one morning and we had the cell phone bill due, so I logged in to pay it...I had a few messages here and there (mostly from her), but she had over 1,000, mostly from the same number. I did a reverse lookup and social media search...that's when I knew she was having another affair. He was just like me in almost every way (eye and hair color, same age, same build, same hobbies), but I guess better....

A week later, Hurricane Laura's eyewall hits a couple of miles from us-no power, no running water (we are on a pump well), no food except one case of MREs for twelve days. We couldn't even drive to get supplies, as there were so many trees blocked the roads. She didn't even call or text to see if I was alive or dead.

She was coming to visit the following week (her contract was extended till end of this year). She pulled up, still wearing her wedding ring (I took mine off the day I paid the cell phone bill). I had the alimony contract already written up along with the divorce papers. She signed the contract without much hesitation and had it notarized. I called her a few names and we fought for a good 20 minutes, then said nothing the rest of the visit. I told her goodbye and she left.

Another week of no contact (she is back in Arizona now) goes by. She calls me today to ask about bills, so we talked a little. She still beats around the bush, but won't hide it either (they still talk/text 30 times a day). I say I pretty much know what is going on...and she just says "yeah..." No apologies, no remorse. She said she was with him tonight having dinner. She has now known him for about a month (that I know of). They have slept together multiple times now and I take my STD/HIV test tomorrow-it was in the alimony contract-she never disputed it. She says she is still confused, but knows for certain that she wants a divorce from me.

So...thats where I'm at now...the last two decades gone from me. My wife, my best friend-gone just like that. I would have never imagined her doing this to me. She has taken my past, present and future away-she is the co-signer of my student loan that I need to finish my degree, so I don't think that's going to work out now. I've stopped crying for the most part...feel almost nothing now, numb I guess. I'm in therapy now and it's going okay...I asked her to join, but she refused. I started lifting weights again. I now have huge financial problems coming with no way to deal with it (rent is one...her company pays for the villa until end of year). She will be great in six months time, while I will be...I don't know. I have never cheated on her, not even looked at another woman-she was all I needed. I don't have any family to speak of and I can count my friends on one hand. Any help, advice or thoughts are appreciated. Thanks for listening.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Sep. 15th, 2020
id 8587873
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 7:52 PM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

So sorry brother, she seems to be a toxic person. No remorse.

It will be hard, but try to disengage. No contact. Like she is. Stop paying her bills, and go hard grey rock.

Exercise, drink water, no drugs. No pick me dancing; she is gone.

Expose her wayward ways to all, friends and her family.

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8587879
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Sofarsogood ( Member #71991) posted at 7:54 PM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It sounds like you have a lot of potential. Your best bet is to stay in therapy and live the best life you can. Others will be along to give you great advice. Don't let her take away your self esteem! The character flaws she has came out under adversity, so it sounds like maybe you are seeing her for how she truly is. Be kind to yourself and hang in there.

posts: 272   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8587880
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beenthereinco ( Member #56409) posted at 7:59 PM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

Hi DC,

So sorry you had to come here but I am glad you did. Did you do the contract with an attorney or are you trying to save money and do it yourself? I think I'd get some advice if you can on this debt. It belongs to you both and not just you. I completely understand your feelings about the past and present but this:

She has taken my past, present and future away

This about the future is not true. She has not taken away your future unless you allow her to do that. Don't. You've heard the saying that living well is the best revenge? Do that. Live well. Get your revenge that way. You say you are almost finished with school. Focus on how you get there. Find out your options for financial aid that go beyond loans as you should be able to get some grants or something like that. Get her helping with your education into the divorce agreement (See an attorney) because it is only fair. You took a back seat to her going to school and her career at first. She should help you now.

You can do this. You are a strong man. Get up off the mat, dust yourself off and get moving.

posts: 1429   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2016
id 8587885
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DictumVeritas ( Member #74087) posted at 8:04 PM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

DesignerComputer,

Sorry that you had to come and find this community but glad you did. You mentioned having a limited support structure, not anymore. This is a community of internet strangers who really care.

My heart breaks for you. Unfortunately when a woman has moved on, there is really nothing we can do to get her back. I understand the feelings of loss and injustice you are suffering right now. In this, unfortunately, only time will be your physician.

You have the STD test and working on yourself covered with the exercise, but don't forget to hydrate and eat well. Your first priority is to look after yourself right now. She might have left you, but you have to make peace with yourself even with your anguish and shattered plans and dreams. You must not leave you.

The only thing left to do is to heed your lawyer and get the divorce out of the way, move on and start afresh. It is less scary than you think if you take it one step at a time day by day.

I know the above paragraph would not make sense to you at present and even more so in the light that you have just lost your first great love, but knowing what you know now, was she really a person deserving of your greatest affection?

The answer is a resounding no! She didn't even have the decency to divorce you before hopping in bed with another man.

There is a better woman and a brighter future out there for you. I am not going to lie. It's going to take work, healing and time to obtain these, but obtain it you will.

You need to go for [I]ndividual [C]ounseling. You are going through severe trauma and a Councillor will be able to help you over this mountain summit.

Now, please don't ever be her Plan-B. Should things go south with the new "boyfriend", she might just come crawling back to you only to do it all over again somewhere down the line.

Make this a clean break. [N]o [C]ontact = no new pain.

Wiser souls than myself will be along shortly with more pertinent advice.

Strength to you on this road you have been forced to travel. One step at a time will get you there.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 2:07 PM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

Your life is but a flicker to the cosmos and only the brightest flickers are recorded by history for good or bad. Most of us just want to live our lives without being interfered with.

posts: 225   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2020   ·   location: South-Africa
id 8587890
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RealityBlows ( Member #41108) posted at 8:30 PM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

Thank God you didn’t have children with this woman. Thank your lucky stars. Be thankful she revealed her true self before you got more invested in this sham of a marriage. Thank God you’re still a relatively young man who WILL get through this and find a true love-with all that you’ve learned, that will make you forget all about this chapter of your life. Now, let us help you minimize the damage, preserve your dignity, get your self respect and esteem back, shield you from the toxic parallel universe that Waywards thrive in, and get you back in control of your outcome.

Currently you’re in shock and mourning the end of a relationship that wasn’t entirely what you thought it was. Sure, you have many good memories but, this was not the love affair you thought it was. This was not that everlasting unconditional marital love that persists through thick and thin, better and worse, sickness and health. She has always been predisposed to cheating and has cheated when the opportunities presented themselves and when she needed the distractions and validation. I’m sure you don’t even know the half of it.

Anyway, don’t take responsibility for her totally inappropriate actions, inappropriate and absolutely careless under any circumstances. There is never-ever a good reason to cheat. Betrayed Spouses (BS) commonly, readily take responsibility for the affair (A) in a futile attempt to try and control the outcome. When actually, you have no control over her actions and less over her mindset. You only control you. So, take control-now, of your future.

Do not play the pick-me dance. Don’t beg. It’s pathetic and extremely unattractive, actually repels a WS and reaffirms her desire to leave you and, it’s soul sucking for you.

Cut off all communication and walk out like cool hand Luke.

Listen closely to the others about to post for you.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 2:35 PM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

posts: 647   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8587910
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Wanttobebetter ( Member #72484) posted at 8:50 PM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

100% agreed.

posts: 135   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8587920
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Kaliber ( Member #74046) posted at 9:48 PM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

Hello DesignerComputer, sorry you are here!

Life happens and there is no way you can control your wife. You have no control of the outcome. Accept that. You must accept that, there is no other way if you want to move forward...

You have only two options:

1- Do the pick me dance, strip the only things that makes you as human: dignity, respect, honor and pride and sink in despair!

2- Pick yourself up, be strong and move forward with your life show her what are you made of, and what she has lost!

From your name, you sound like you're into computers and IT?

If so, learn new thing, like coding, there are many online courses that help you learn and you can find a job that pays really good!

Work on you self, exercise, learn new things, find a job!

Start today!

You don't have a choice of being a victim, but you always have a choice of remaining one!

posts: 145   ·   registered: Mar. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Germany
id 8587940
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totallydumb ( Member #66269) posted at 11:05 PM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

Hi DesignerComputer,

Sorry that you have reason to find this site. However now that you are here, there are lots of internet strangers here that have suffered through similar situations, and as such have a ton of experience and knowledge to help you with this crap.

One of the resources of this site is called the "healing library", in the upper left corner of this web page is a yellow box, the healing library icon is there. Click on it and start reading. Another good one is the Tactical Primer at the beginning of the Just Found Out forum. Lots of good information and advice in these two resources.

Browse the forums and read some stories, and you will soon start to see a pattern that most cheaters follow, your WW is probably no different.

This:

She has now known him for about a month (that I know of).

And she has had sexual relations with her AP several times while still married to you. Really says a lot about her lack of moral character.

There is a saying around here "If she will cheat with you, she will cheat on you."

So, most of us really don't see her new found soulmate and her relationship lasting very long, but sometimes we can be surprised. Usually though, once real life stresses start becoming part of the relationship, it has a way of changing things, and takes the shine off the affair that is really just a fucked up fantasy.

In the meantime, you can't just sit and wait for this to happen, and must start to take control of your own life. beenthereinco, offers some great advice about the debt that you find yourself with. I believe you would do well to look into it a little further with the assistance of a lawyer. Get moving on this and other things that you can do and take control of your life. Let her play with the AP while you get your shit together and plan your future. Don't let her take that from you.

If you see your ex with someone else--don't be jealous. Our parents taught us to give our old,used toys to the less fortunate.

posts: 454   ·   registered: Sep. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Alberta, Canada
id 8587970
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 11:30 PM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

Very sorry to hear your story. She has broken the relationship twice to your knowledge and wants a divorce. You know what you have to do. Move on. You are young and sounds like you can have a good future with someone else. Part of the problem is that the two of you became a couple way too young. No excuse at all for her conduct. Because you don't have children there is no reason to continue contact. If things change and she suddenly wants to reconcile, DON'T DO IT. She is bad news. Work on yourself and your career. I won't sugarcoat dating life. It can be a grind. But look for a quality person and be wary of red flags. I eventually found a new lady 10 times better than my evil ex-wife.

posts: 411   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8587978
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SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 11:49 PM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

She's fucked you over well and good here. Sorry mate.

Stop crying and get busy rebuilding your life. Lots of men have had their spouse betray them, and get on just fine.

It may take a while to get your sea legs, the sooner you put her behind you for good the better.

I wouldn't talk to her ever again. She's shit.

posts: 343   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8587985
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Mene ( Member #64377) posted at 3:26 AM on Wednesday, September 16th, 2020

Count your lucky stars you don’t have children with her.

You’re still a young man. You’ll find a better woman who respects you.

Life wasn’t meant to be fair...

posts: 826   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2018   ·   location: Cyberland
id 8588041
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 3:29 AM on Wednesday, September 16th, 2020

I answered on Reddit. You're in a good place here. Read up on that 180 in the Healing library.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8588043
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GoldenR ( Member #54778) posted at 1:03 PM on Wednesday, September 16th, 2020

Were neither of you actually getting together with others (the right way) in your open relationship?

posts: 2642   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8588122
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 DesignerComputer (original poster New Member #75442) posted at 1:18 PM on Wednesday, September 16th, 2020

To GoldenR:

No, I mean we had an open communication relationship-we let each other know where we were at, what we were doing, etc. We did not have an open relationship like we could see, date, sleep with other people. Sorry for the confusion.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Sep. 15th, 2020
id 8588126
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Westway ( Member #71747) posted at 7:33 PM on Wednesday, September 16th, 2020

Let her go. Stop being angry at her. All you do is give her ammo to justify what she is doing. Be amicable whenever you talk to her and just let her go.

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8588271
Topic is Sleeping.
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