Dealing with infidelity we often tell posters to read and hear what isn’t written or said. Actions, lack of actions, wordage, phrasing… all this can sometimes indicate different things than the content of sentences or what is said.
Usually that applies to what the WS does or does not do, but it can also apply to posters.
It’s relatively seldom we get posters – BW or BH – that are 100% decisive on what they want after discovering their WS infidelity. It’s quite common that the poster states they want D or R but are really not certain. Sometimes we see this by reading and hear what isn’t written or said…
I don’t know if D or R is best for you. It’s not my place to make such declarations. It’s your call. As I stated:
Marriages can reconcile from infidelity (the founders of this site are proof of that)
People do divorce after infidelity (many key members here are proof of that)
It’s totally your call.
What I can share are some statements that might help you along:
To divorce all that is needed is that ONE of you wants to divorce. The other can’t stop or prevent it.
To reconcile BOTH need to be on-board. One person can’t reconcile a marriage.
Some factors are needed to reconcile. Some of the factors are required right at the start, others along the process or path. Some of the things needed right from the get-go are:
>No contact by the WS to the OM. This is absolute – there is no closure meeting or emotional “alas, our love is not to be” letter. A short, unemotional NC letter and that’s it.
>A commitment to telling the truth. Even with a 100% committed WS the truth takes time to come out, but at first you need at least the truth painted with a broad brush.
>Accountability and openness. Your WW needs to be open about her whereabouts, actions, social media, phone… Basically your trust is at 0 and she needs to accept that.
>A commitment to actions conductive to reconciliation. Like she should be open to booking IC to discover why she decided she was entitled to have an affair.
With that base you can start reconciling.
Things like detailed truth, true remorse and so on… those are milestones along the road to reconciling, but you pass them as you go along.
OK – So what do you have of the above?
At best a wish from WW that the marriage isn’t over.
You don’t have some of the key elements required to reconcile.
Mainly the truth…
WE CAN GUIDE YOU ON HOW TO BEST GET THE TRUTH…
But as I have stated for a long time – the advice offered will be based on what you want.
Do people rent hotel rooms to talk?
Well… we did have one poster about 2-3 years ago whose wife stuck to that same story. He followed our advice and had his WW take a poly. She flunked spectacularly. That poster still contributes occasionally and from what I read is learning to live with that big blue elephant called “Lies” in his marriage.
Check one thing: Since the PI gave you pictures of OM and WW entering and leaving the hotel. Does either of them have some bag or luggage? Maybe even a small one, just to store toiletries and a change of underwear. I have had hundreds if not thousands of meetings but never one where I have left in cleaner underwear than I entered in…