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Just Found Out :
Just found out... don't know what to do next

Topic is Sleeping.
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 1:19 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

She admitted to meeting him in the hotel but said it was just to talk about his marital problems and nothing happened.

How nice of her, since when that's her job, plus why in a hotel ? this is typical cheater behavior. OK so he is married, your PI has his license plate#, finding his OBS should be a piece of cake, tell your PI friend to find her so that you can expose the POSOM, he will most likely dump your WW on the spot in an effort to save his own M.

posts: 2408   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8587573
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Booyah ( Member #60124) posted at 1:20 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

Edit: double post

[This message edited by Booyah at 7:25 PM, September 14th (Monday)]

posts: 1247   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2017
id 8587574
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 1:45 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

Everybody I talk to says to leave and not stay,

What this Mr. Everyone says is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is what you want.

Marriages can reconcile from infidelity (the founders of this site are proof of that)

People do divorce after infidelity (many key members here are proof of that)

It’s totally your call.

The advice offered will be based on what you want, but there is one thing I suggest you do right away irrespective of your decision to R or D.

Let the OM wife know.

Do so directly – no advance warning to you wife and no threats. Get her phone number and call.

Stick to facts: You suspect an affair, but your wife claims they only met in hotel rooms to talk.

Irrespective of any hope of reconciliation or if you are headed for divorce then this is what you need to do ASAP.

Regarding meeting in hotel rooms to talk.

Don’t tell me you believe that?

Even IF it was only to talk, then wouldn’t the hotel bar, a coffee-shop or basically any other option that doesn’t cost $$$ per day be a more rational option?

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8587580
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squid ( Member #57624) posted at 1:46 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

MOST IMPORTANTLY...

Know that she is acting like a typical cheater. She will deny everything EXCEPT what you cannot prove with evidence.

Proceed full force with D. She will continue this charade for as long as she thinks you are not serious with D.

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2582   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8587582
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 1:57 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

Those are the most difficult time of your life. I hope you are getting support from friends and family.

Did you tell her you want a D?

Do you still want to D? If not, we can help you and tell you what it takes for R to happen. If you still want to D, it’s best to avoid contact, for your own sanity, and continue with what the lawyer said. Actually, going NC for a few days can help either way IMO.

She is lying about the hotel. You also heard her being intimate through the VAR.

Take care if yourself. Remember that this is all on her, you are not responsible for her cheating.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 7:58 PM, September 14th (Monday)]

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1431   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8587587
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BeyondRage ( Member #71328) posted at 2:05 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

What this Mr. Everyone says is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is what you want.

Marriages can reconcile from infidelity (the founders of this site are proof of that)

People do divorce after infidelity (many key members here are proof of that)

It’s totally your call.

Hope everyone reads what Bigger wrote. and in case you missed it BH here has stated more than once I believe there is no reconciliation in his mind at this point.

When he asks for advice on Reconciliation I am sure he will get tons of it. Its his call and he has called it one way at this point.

Me- 49M
WW- 48F
Kids- 23,21,20,18 all female
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=640592

posts: 474   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2019   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8587591
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fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 2:05 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

I know this is hard. It’s very typical for the WS to lie when confronted. She never expected to get caught and the first instinct is self protection. I think you realize this. Don’t worry about what “everyone” Wants. It’s your life. What do you want? Has she offered up transparency with her devices? Has she offered to write a timeline of the A? Has she offered any concrete actions that would give you a sense that she wants to try and save her M? Has she written a no contact to the OM? Of course none of this is necessary if you are just moving ahead with D, as I assume you intend to do. But Bigger has given you excellent advice moving forward. First expose the A to the OBS. Next figure out what you want. This is not a race. You can start down the D path and later stop the process if you so choose. Whatever you choose, take care of you. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2792   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
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BindassBP ( Member #75283) posted at 4:57 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

One thing I learnt from being cheated on is that they use the technique "deny, deny, deny until and unless proven otherwise." This is a typical wayward behaviour. Blaming marital problems don't cut the cake either.

She might confess a little more(tickle truths) if you disclose the audio recording but she will find another answer for that too(Gaslighting).

Now comes the hard part- "what do YOU want? Your best option is going ahead with D on full speed. She might confess or not that's her problem now. Just let her know that you know more than she thinks.

Good luck.

[This message edited by BindassBP at 10:58 PM, September 14th (Monday)]

posts: 72   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2020
id 8587641
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 5:06 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

What, you got it wrong, the car, motel etc were just verbal communication in a closed environment for Privacy. Well sorry about that. How could I get it so wrong??

Nah bull crap!! Hard 180 now. Let her know you are having STD and STI checks as you don’t believe her.

One day at a time.

[This message edited by Buffer at 11:10 PM, September 14th (Monday)]

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
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RealityBlows ( Member #41108) posted at 9:18 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

Sounds like you conducted that confrontation cooler than Kane of Kung Fu. Silence is deafening. Yes, of course she is lying now. Reality is hitting her in the face like a sack of Nichols. It must just absolutely suck to get caught cheating. I think I would much rather be a BS than a WS on D-Day. You’re entire psyche must just totally implode hence all the classic irrational cheater’s text book DD reactions we see. The mind’s desperate attempt to save itself from certain inescapable doom.

I’d just sit back now. Serve the D-Papers. Listen and observe. and follow through. No need for diabolical revenge schemes. Other than informing the OBS, there’s really no need-at this time, for action that is not required for your wellbeing.

If there’s a faint glimmer of hope for R, it’s up to her to grab hold of it, fight for it, nurture it to your satisfaction. She has to do this proactively, and almost unconditionally with no guarantee of success. It’s that kind of gamble and sacrifice people who profoundly desire something are willing to make.

posts: 646   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
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Kaliber ( Member #74046) posted at 9:36 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

Well... it went about as expected. I am doing as well as expected after something like this. She admitted to meeting him in the hotel but said it was just to talk about his marital problems and nothing happened. I remained calm and said what I needed to say. She didn't ask to see proof or anything. I had phone recording the whole time. She will not admit to doing anything with him, but by her reactions to my questions about what went on I can tell something did. She does not know everything I know and I have asked very pointed questions and she continues to lie to me about things.

It is very difficult for me to be cold hearted about this. I didn't imagine it would be this hard seeing her upset, but she is upset she got caught and is losing the life she has known. She is making all the typical excuses and justifications and continuing to lie. Everybody I talk to says to leave and not stay, that she will do this again once comfortable again. She is pressing hard saying how much she loves me and sorry she betrayed me and my trust.

I never heard before that people rent a hotel room to just talk!

You can do that at a coffee shop or over the phone, or at a restaurant, or by text!

serenitynow53 buddy, I am so sorry you are here, doing the 180 will help you think clearly, do what is best for you, 180 will help you A LOT!

People do stupid things and losing the life they had known, but what she did was the ultimate betrayal my friend!

Maybe a good idea to give her little bit of information about what you know about the affair.

Or tell her she will have to take a polygraph?

I know it's difficult, you're in a very emotional bad spot, so you must start the 180 ASAP!

[This message edited by Kaliber at 3:37 AM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

You don't have a choice of being a victim, but you always have a choice of remaining one!

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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 9:42 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

She is pressing hard saying how much she loves me and sorry she betrayed me and my trust.

The problem is how can you believe her on this when she continues to lie about the affair. Even she has to understand how unbeliveable going to a hotel with a guy to talk about his marriage problems is.

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99problems ( Member #59373) posted at 9:54 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

Hello there .

I am the guy who had all the evidence he could ever want and still stayed for the kid for 4 more years.

If you want my opinion- don't do it.

The cost is steep. More than monetary. It will cost you a thousand nights sleep and your self esteem.

Let her go as soon as possible.

See my post history for more info.

Got me a new forum name!<BR />Formerly Idiotmcstupid.<BR />I am divorced, so not as much of an idiot now- 4/15/21,

posts: 999   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Colorado
id 8587692
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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 10:16 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

Thank you for all the advice. She has continued to try to bargain. Offering whatever I want to take her back and trust her again. She continues to lie to my face about things I know to be true. She said he called her last minute to see him, so she went. I asked to see her phone right then to see the call and the time he called her and she wouldn't show me.

I have a lot of support from my family and friends. I have not notified his wife.

[This message edited by serenitynow53 at 2:28 PM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2020
id 8587696
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 10:19 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

Dealing with infidelity we often tell posters to read and hear what isn’t written or said. Actions, lack of actions, wordage, phrasing… all this can sometimes indicate different things than the content of sentences or what is said.

Usually that applies to what the WS does or does not do, but it can also apply to posters.

It’s relatively seldom we get posters – BW or BH – that are 100% decisive on what they want after discovering their WS infidelity. It’s quite common that the poster states they want D or R but are really not certain. Sometimes we see this by reading and hear what isn’t written or said…

I don’t know if D or R is best for you. It’s not my place to make such declarations. It’s your call. As I stated:

Marriages can reconcile from infidelity (the founders of this site are proof of that)

People do divorce after infidelity (many key members here are proof of that)

It’s totally your call.

What I can share are some statements that might help you along:

To divorce all that is needed is that ONE of you wants to divorce. The other can’t stop or prevent it.

To reconcile BOTH need to be on-board. One person can’t reconcile a marriage.

Some factors are needed to reconcile. Some of the factors are required right at the start, others along the process or path. Some of the things needed right from the get-go are:

>No contact by the WS to the OM. This is absolute – there is no closure meeting or emotional “alas, our love is not to be” letter. A short, unemotional NC letter and that’s it.

>A commitment to telling the truth. Even with a 100% committed WS the truth takes time to come out, but at first you need at least the truth painted with a broad brush.

>Accountability and openness. Your WW needs to be open about her whereabouts, actions, social media, phone… Basically your trust is at 0 and she needs to accept that.

>A commitment to actions conductive to reconciliation. Like she should be open to booking IC to discover why she decided she was entitled to have an affair.

With that base you can start reconciling.

Things like detailed truth, true remorse and so on… those are milestones along the road to reconciling, but you pass them as you go along.

OK – So what do you have of the above?

At best a wish from WW that the marriage isn’t over.

You don’t have some of the key elements required to reconcile.

Mainly the truth…

WE CAN GUIDE YOU ON HOW TO BEST GET THE TRUTH…

But as I have stated for a long time – the advice offered will be based on what you want.

Do people rent hotel rooms to talk?

Well… we did have one poster about 2-3 years ago whose wife stuck to that same story. He followed our advice and had his WW take a poly. She flunked spectacularly. That poster still contributes occasionally and from what I read is learning to live with that big blue elephant called “Lies” in his marriage.

Check one thing: Since the PI gave you pictures of OM and WW entering and leaving the hotel. Does either of them have some bag or luggage? Maybe even a small one, just to store toiletries and a change of underwear. I have had hundreds if not thousands of meetings but never one where I have left in cleaner underwear than I entered in…

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8587697
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 10:22 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

OK – cross posted, but still leaving my last post unamended.

Ask her if she’s willing to take a polygraph tomorrow regarding her story.

Tell her the question will focus on if she and OM had sex.

Tell her that right now you feel like she thinks you are an idiot if she expects you to believe the no-sex in hotel room story.

And friend – LET THE OMW know.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8587698
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BindassBP ( Member #75283) posted at 11:10 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

Be calm. Tell her if she wants to save the marriage you need to see some actions, not words because her words mean nothing:-

1. She has to Confess everything. Tell her you know more than she thinks.

2. Tell her to call OM's wife and confess about the hotel meet.

3. Undelete every messages between them(WW & AP).

These are the basic requirements. More items will be added as required.

Or

Go ahead with divorce. Use 180.

[This message edited by BindassBP at 1:56 AM, September 16th (Wednesday)]

posts: 72   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2020
id 8587704
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 11:55 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

It’s quite common that the poster states they want D or R but are really not certain.

I think the above is important to keep in mind for all SI posters who try to help. We don’t want new posters to be uncomfortable saying, after the confrontation, “I changed my mind”.

Serenity, since you are continuing with the D path, you don’t have to fish for more information if you don’t want to. I don’t see the need for a polygraph. You are D her and she will do whatever she wants with the OM or not.

It’s important you tell the AF’s wife (OBS). Not for revenge, but for decency. She has probably no idea that her “marriage is in trouble”, and she deserves to know. We often read stories of Betrayed spouses that show up her after getting notified by the OBS. The POSOM might have multiple AP exposing the OBS to diseases.

Hang in there, it will get better.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1431   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8587708
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thatbpguy ( Member #58540) posted at 12:48 PM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

Ok, she knows you have caught her lying and placing the marriage in jeopardy. It's odd with what you have told her she won't admit to anything.

I agree that for now a hard 180 and separation is probably best as she needs to get her confession in order. If you stay together I suspect you'll be gas-lit to an inferno.

It was good to tell her parents. I knew they would support you. They will probably circle the wagons to try and salvage the marriage, but one would expect that.

Please take care of yourself as best you can- eating well, exercise, emotionally... That's what will see you thru.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 6:48 AM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

ME: BHHer: WWDDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I leftDivorcedRemarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4441   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8587721
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 2:50 PM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

She admitted to meeting him in the hotel but said it was just to talk about his marital problems and nothing happened

Okay that's one I've seen before. Of course it's BS, but wouldn't it be poignant to see her reaction if you said something like: "Oh, your friend seems to be a man in marital crisis. I think I can provide the perspective of a man in a loving relationship. How do I get in touch with him so I can counsel him, too?" Words to that effect. Her reaction would be priceless, if this were in any way a laughing matter. However, it does highlight how stupid and desperate some excuses sound. She didn't have a lot of time to think that alibi through, and it shows. Naturally, the response of why they felt it was appropriate to do all this counseling in a private hotel room is so obvious, I bet she was like a cornered rat.

I asked to see her phone right then to see the call and the time he called her and she wouldn't show me.

Well, that tells you everything you need to know, doesn't it? And WHY would she deny you that?

Offering her phone any time I want going forward,

You're a smart guy, Serenity. I'm sure you noticed that important clause of "going forward". I'd get the PI to do a forensics check of old messages on her phone.. IF (and only if) you consider reconciliation some sort of option. Otherwise, you have the proof you need. You clearly have other proof you haven't mentioned or revealed to her yet.

I'm not here to demonize your wife-- this confrontation was the result of her choices in life, and she has to own up to that. It was also the result of her POSOM's choices as well, and I feel (and I would posit that most of the people on SI.com feels) that informing the other betrayed spouse (OBS) is entirely appropriate. Not to make things more uncomfortable for your wife, or out of revenge for the other man. It's a simple ethical choice. I would not willingly do this to another person, I would not stay silent if another person was a party to adultery without any knowledge of it. Without even knowing about Surviving Infidelity.com, I came to that conclusion and informed the spouse of the man my ex was sleeping with. She was angry and hurt but shockingly, not surprised. I offered up copies of everything I had (it was mostly email and pictures). They also divorced. I didn't feel any feeling of "gotcha" out of doing that, just a sense of exhaustion, really.

How are you holding together, Serenity? The confrontation was the hardest part for me-- it took something I had constructed mentally, with accompanying mental imagery, and turned it into a very hard reality. I knew about what was going on because I was informed of it, so I didn't have that gradual realization of adultery you had. I had two weeks to prepare of utter pain and a lot of intense thought.

I think the hardest thing to do in the entire process is actually coming to a decision and sticking with it. I waffled for at least a year after I confronted her, and in that respect, I think you are better prepared for this than I was.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 9:00 AM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
----------------------------------
“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8587760
Topic is Sleeping.
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