Newest Member: faithfulMan911

Just Found Out :
Just found out... don't know what to do next

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Mrhealed ( Member #46868) posted at 1:05 PM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

If you are not getting any leverage, legal or any kind, the best option is to expose at the same time of confrontation. This way she can not deny, badmiuth you, and bargain to protect OM.

For this path you need to be 100% she is cheating; and 100% you are getting D.

"Infidelity is not a victimless offense. If she cheats on me, then I am a victim. If she intentionally cheats on me then I am an intended victim." by DoneGone

posts: 960   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2015   ·   location: Madrid
id 8587000
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 4:34 PM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

I’m sorry it has come to this. But for some people D is the only or best choice.

I confronted my H on dday2 about 6 months after dday1. I had no idea the affair had resumed and I was living in false reconciliation. I never suspected anything like that. I had to call the OW to find out what was going on. It was a 2 Minute conversation and I had enough information. Everything I needed.

I want to make a few suggestions:

You don’t need “evidence”. You know she’s cheating. She knows she’s cheating. She can lie to you about it BUT you can just repeat “I know you are cheating” to her at every lie she attempts to throw at you.

Second you can have a very Civil and brief conversation w/ her. I said 3 sentences calmly and quietly. Here they are: “I’m sorry it has come to this but you left me no choice. I am D you. You are free to be with the OW or anyone else you choose.”

I then left the room. It was not a discussion.

Third: have your exit plan in place (it sounds like you do). De use what you will do if she calls or texts or shows up at your job, etc. I believe it’s important to have a plan in place so you can stick to it. Discuss with your attorney if necessary.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:34 AM, September 13th (Sunday)]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10504   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8587044
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 4:43 PM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

My state is a one-party consent state, so I don't have to inform her I am recording and I plan to have my phone recording without her knowing. She will be caught completely off-guard and hopefully wont't think to ask or realize I might be recording.

If that's the case then by all means DO NOT tell her you're recording, and again she will most likely deny and deny until you show her undeniable evidence, make sure you tell her you have much more but that you want to WHY she did it (not if she did it). Based on your attorney alimony won't be an issue regardless, therefore you have enough to confront TODAY, make sure you EXPOSE her with all family and close friends immediately after the confrontation, make sure you name POSOM and throw a wrench in her plans and let her deal with the aftermath. Try to remain calm as much as possible, good luck and let us know how it went.

posts: 2408   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8587046
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ramius ( Member #44750) posted at 4:52 PM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

After you get the, “It’s not what you think...” spiel.....Be prepared, you may hear some of the following:

I never meant to hurt you.

I never stopped loving you.

I wasn’t really in love with him, even though I said it over and over, and I was buying him special gifts, and shaving, and buying new lingerie for him,

I was never going to leave you… Even though I told him I was going to.

You’re the only one I truly love.

It was just sex, it didn’t mean anything.

The sex wasn’t good.

The only reason I had sex with him was to keep the complements coming.

I see now that you are the best thing that ever happened to me.

I only wanna be with you.

I didn’t mean for it to happen.

He said nice things to me.

He listened it to me.

I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you.

I have FFO issues.

Etc etc. basically prepare yourself for a word salad of clichés and tears.

Or she make take the blame shift route and say it’s all your fault.

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1604   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8587049
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OneSidedVic ( New Member #75092) posted at 5:37 PM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

Not sure what you’re emotionally expecting from the confrontation, but also be prepared for her to maybe express a feeling of relief when you confront her.

If she’s potentially contacting divorce attorneys, this could be an exit affair. This might have been her endgame anyway.

If this is the case, it may be, on some level, disappointing for you. Just be prepared.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020
id 8587069
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baller20 ( Member #75093) posted at 6:43 PM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

redwing6: How do you proceed? I'm a huge fan of Spaceghost...

Spaceghost’s legendary thread in SI.com

https://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=552588&AP=1&HL=

Just read all his comments in the thread. The man was ice cold.

Edit: Sorry for spamming, this is serenitynow53's thread.

[This message edited by baller20 at 12:56 PM, September 13th (Sunday)]

"Dance me through the panic till I'm gathered safely in"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsaxdFDAGik

posts: 56   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020
id 8587092
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RealityBlows ( Member #41108) posted at 7:15 PM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

Just make a clean break.

Follow the advice of your attorney.

Avoid unnecessarily antagonizing.

Avoid vindication.

Avoid post DD conflict and acrimony. It just complicates the whole divorce process-unless you want to spend 10 grand fighting over a toaster.

Just get out clean-like Spaceghost did. Walk away and into the sunset.

posts: 646   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8587096
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 7:25 PM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

For the record I think I did one of the more determined and focus end-of-relationships approach that I have read about. It’s in my profile, but in MY situation, we were not married (engaged, 5 weeks from planned wedding day), no kids, rented, relatively split finances and technically a relatively “easy” separation. Emotionally it was tough, but probably not as tough as +20 years and kids would have made it. I walked out of that apartment and I guess I spent less than 3 hours along with my ex after that. For ME – at THAT time – in THAT relationship – this was the correct path, but I don’t see it as the only one-size-fits-all solution.

Having said that and not referring to any specific poster other than the one I will mention:

Sometimes we get posts that either meander along in a non-purposeful, never listen to the advice and post to aggravate those that follow the thread. Usually an ongoing thread of inaction.

Sometimes we get posts that indicate a clear direction right from the start. Usually the spouse hasn’t been confronted yet, the confrontation, WS reactions, next steps, attorney advice, legal process, family reaction… It’s all foreseeable. It’s all as if it’s scripted…

Usually some of the more experienced posters here on SI will notice small things that indicate the scenarios aren’t … well… believable. We share PM’s but the rule of thumb seems to let them play out and not interfere, just in case we are wrong and there is a real story in there.

A classic example is a poster that claimed to be in the navy (a SEAL) and his incredible multi-page story of how he discovered, exposed, destroyed his ex-wife and her lover’s life and used the legal system to get all the assets from the divorce…

His thread went on for pages and read like a BH wet dream.

His fame even spread to other sites where he was welcomed like a lost son home from the wars.

Only for each and every word he wrote being a lie…

He was exposed as a fraud eventually, but I worry how many betrayed husbands that read his original thread and how he was determined and got everything he wanted also to know that he was lying. Like if you believe putting on a red cape and clicking your heels together will enable you to fly, then maybe you just might be dumb enough to jump off a building.

For everyone poster that is believable and true and does a more-or-less perfect reconciliation OR divorce plan, there are probably five thousand that didn’t. We all make mistakes; we all have doubts and we all question if we are doing right. Even I in my “perfect” exodus made several mistakes. I am 100% certain that if I had access to SI back then, most posters on JFO would actually have helped me make the mistakes I did… Things and actions (mainly revenge related and pain-causing) that time and life have taught me were useless, served no purpose and were wrong.

OK – So infidelity won’t have major impact on your divorce?

Sounds like you have talked to an attorney. Since he’s talking about the years separation period I’m guessing he also told you to skip filing for adultery. Rule-of-thumb is that in states that allow for filing for adultery then it reneges the need for a separation period.

Did he comment on the requirements for proving infidelity?

A civil case (like divorce) has a lot lower bar for evidence quality. I wouldn’t be surprised that what you share you have would be enough.

Let us know how the confrontation goes.

Your next steps after confronting will depend and be based on how this goes.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8587100
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Pandora16 ( Member #56906) posted at 7:43 PM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

Rule-of-thumb is that in states that allow for filing for adultery then it reneges the need for a separation period.

This is a good point. If you can get your wife to admit she’s having an affair on the audio recording, you may be able to file for divorce immediately and not have to wait through the separation period. Or the video from the hotel might be sufficient evidence. Either way, it’s worth running by your lawyer.

D-Day #1 12/8/16 (ILYBINILWY), D-Day #2 12/17/16 (admitted to affair)

Divorced: 10/24/17
Married 20 years, together 24, 1 young adult son

posts: 251   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8587107
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BrokenheartedUK ( Member #43520) posted at 8:11 PM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

Was out of town and PI got more than enough evidence. Cars w/ license plates at hotel and both coming out near each other and talking in the parking lot. Pictures and video

While there must have been a strange kind of relief (of the "I'm not crazy" variety) this is also a sad and painful revelation. I'm sorry.

I don't see any point in pulling punches during the confrontation. I would let her have it both barrels. You've been stuffing your emotions down to try and gather evidence. She has betrayed you in the worst possible way. At some point, you have to acknowledge that pain.

I was listening to NPR last week and they were interviewing a former CIA interpreter who would interrogate Islamic terrorists. He would start the interrogation by saying "I know some things. I don't know other things. But you will not know what I know and don't know and that's how I'll know when you're lying." Start with that.

Good luck. It completely sucks.

Me: BS
He cheated and then lied. Apparently cheaters lie. Huh. 13 months of false R. Divorced! 8/16 3 teenage kids
"The barn's burnt down
Now
I can see the moon"
-Mizuta Masahide

posts: 3337   ·   registered: May. 24th, 2014
id 8587111
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Newlifeisgreat ( Member #71308) posted at 9:45 PM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

How did it go?

How are you doing?

Don’t hesitate to lean on loved ones and friends. They WANT to help you, they just may not know how to help or if you even want their help.

Good luck and stay strong.

Betrayed SpouseShe cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being AdulteryDivorced 9/18Now VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

posts: 664   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2019
id 8587132
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 10:10 PM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

All I can offer is try not to get too flustered. Write down key points that you want to say. Keep that reptilian brain in check. Don’t get a very, accept none of any blame shifting, try not to yell. VAR on you for the confrontation and from now on.

Good luck and be calm.

One day at a time

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8587135
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Shockedmom ( Member #44708) posted at 3:47 PM on Monday, September 14th, 2020

How are you doing today? I know the confrontation must have been traumatic. Check in when you are can.

posts: 1059   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2014   ·   location: Hawaii
id 8587345
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thatbpguy ( Member #58540) posted at 4:36 PM on Monday, September 14th, 2020

Well, however you opt to confront, stay on the path. Just ask for, and demand, simple answers to simple questions. She will probably be a little shell shocked, so IMHO at the first meeting just let her know that you know and let things play out over the next several days as she gets over the dday effect.

ME: BHHer: WWDDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I leftDivorcedRemarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4441   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8587360
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BindassBP ( Member #75283) posted at 5:48 PM on Monday, September 14th, 2020

You dont show the proof. Just tell her you know she is cheating. Tell her to come clean. Wait for a few days. If she denies, tell the OM's name. If she denies, tell her you are divorcing. Wait for a few days. Thern reveal the date and name of the hotel.

You have been suffering a long time. Now it's her turn.

Best of luck.

posts: 72   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2020
id 8587395
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 10:52 PM on Monday, September 14th, 2020

G'day. I'm just checking in to see how the confrontation went, how much evidence was presented, and how she took it. Sending strength.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
----------------------------------
“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8587521
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 serenitynow53 (original poster New Member #75369) posted at 1:03 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

Well... it went about as expected. I am doing as well as expected after something like this. She admitted to meeting him in the hotel. I remained calm and said what I needed to say. She didn't ask to see proof or anything. I had phone recording the whole time. She will not admit to doing anything with him, but by her reactions to my questions about what went on I can tell something did. She does not know everything I know and I have asked very pointed questions and she continues to lie to me about things.

It is very difficult for me to be cold hearted about this. I didn't imagine it would be this hard seeing her upset, but she is upset she got caught and is losing the life she has known. She is making all the typical excuses and justifications and continuing to lie. Everybody I talk to says to leave and not stay, that she will do this again once comfortable again. She is pressing hard saying how much she loves me and sorry she betrayed me and my trust.

[This message edited by serenitynow53 at 2:28 PM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2020
id 8587563
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MorbidCuriosity ( New Member #74928) posted at 1:13 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

This is the prime time to go NC and 180. Any more communication is just pain shopping. You wont be able to trust anything she says and every word out of her mouth would make you rack your brain thinking whether it is the truth or not and it doesnt help.

I was hoping she would confess so there is a glimmer of hope for R. Thats impossible now. Then you confronted her and I hoped she would come clean and at least show that fog has been lifted.. well that went to shit too. Then she did the worst thing after confrontation. Lie. That indicates that she wants to keep at it or just keep being stupid. Either way, you would need to stay the course now.

The next time you speak to the cheater hopefully would be when she is being served.

posts: 49   ·   registered: Jul. 19th, 2020
id 8587565
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 1:15 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

Have you EXPOSED her with family and close friends yet and with OBS if any ?

posts: 2408   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8587567
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Booyah ( Member #60124) posted at 1:18 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

If she won't admit to "doing anything with him" than how is it that she than says "she's sorry she betrayed you and your trust"?

posts: 1247   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2017
id 8587571
Topic is Sleeping.
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