Newest Member: faithfulMan911

Just Found Out :
Found out on an online forum my bf had cheated

Topic is Sleeping.
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 CentralPerk (original poster New Member #75370) posted at 4:09 AM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

So I found out on an online forum about six weeks ago that my boyfriend cheated on me a year ago. We've been together now about 22 months, had been together 9 ish months when he cheated. I didn't know the exact details at first as the thread had been deleted but long story short, he lied to me about what had actually happened and gave me a much less worse story.

I managed to find the actual deleted thread about 2 weeks later and I read word for word what had happened which is that she text him one night when drunk and asked him to go up to meet her, he drove up, paid for the hotel himself and stayed from around 2am to 11am when he drove home and that they had sex but that he felt terribly guilty the next day. It was with a girl he's been infatuated with since 2013, basically she's not into him and I guess it's something to do with the chase as every now and then (when drunk) she shows interest in him. He'd slept with her once a while before we met and once in the meantime. She lives about 100 miles from him, me and him have a long distance relationship of just over 200 miles. I've seen some of their messages before and it always seemed very much he texts her and she replies with one or two word answers, clearly with little interest in him and I had no problem with him having female friends.

So I've decided to try and work through it with him, I'm trying to deal with it and I'm not doing too bad but I find myself struggling at times with triggers on tv of people in hotel rooms having sex etc. I asked him why he lied about it and he said it was because it's instinct to deny something like that and that he loves me so much and didn't want to lose me as he's never gotten on with anyone else so well, of which I feel the same and we have so many common interests. He seemed to have bucked up since I found out - changed his number, deleted his Instagram account (she only uses this form of social media) has given me access to his location at all times so I can 'check up' on him which I don't like the idea of but I must admit I have checked it quite often recently.

When we were together last week I saw a message come through on his phone from a random number and when I asked him (he didn't know I'd seen it) he showed me and it was her asking what she'd done wrong and what was going on. I made him text her when I found out the truth 3-4 weeks ago saying he had a girlfriend and that he wasn't single when they slept together and then he phoned the mobile company and changed his number straight away, before she had chance to reply. She didn't know about him having a girlfriend when they slept together last year. So I asked him how the hell she had his new number and he said there must have been an open whatsapp message with her that he forgot to delete before he changed his number, but that he's now blocked her and had already deleted her number, and of course had since deleted this whatsapp chat log. Part of me wondered if he was so quick to change his number because he was worried she'd reply with something more incriminating that I didn't know and that I would demand to read it but maybe that's just me being paranoid. I was extremely upset that she now has his number, whether he's blocked her or not, she still has it. Btw it was his idea to change his number, the thought didn't even enter my mind.

I trusted him with all my heart, much more than I trusted my ex of 12 years and finding this out really broke me because of how deeply I trusted him and that I didn't think he could/would do something like this. His dad had affair about 10 years ago and his mother was a mess after his dad cheated on her and I thought he was different because he speaks with such disgust that his dad did it (they stayed together btw). He's also said things in the past like he couldn't believe his one female friend stayed with an ex who had cheated on her and that he'd rather be alone than be with a cheater.

We've since had STD tests and we're both clear.

I don't know what I want as a reply really but I guess I just want to know what others would do in my situation. We get on so so well and we have a great sex life and I would miss him terribly if we finished, he's my best friend as well as boyfriend. Sometimes I think it's ok I can get through this but in the next breath I've got things running around in my mind and I wonder if I've lost all respect for myself by staying with him. I'm sure this stuff on my mind will get less and less with time but I just feel so betrayed, I had heard of this girl before but thought they were just friends, not that he had a thing for her.

I'm quite positive that if she asked him again to meet up, before I found out, there's a very high chance he would have done it. In the confessional post I found it mentioned something about them making a go of it but obviously once the drink had worn off and he went home she was having none of it as he stayed with me and I was none the wiser. He also told me that way back when he first got together, when I asked if we were exclusive he wanted to say no because he was hung up on this girl. Whereas when I went back to when I asked him this, his reply was 'yeah I thought we were anyway'.

I don’t know if it makes a difference but I’m 33 with two kids and he’s 26 with no kids.

Sorry it's such a long post and thanks for getting to the end, I just didn't want to leave any information out. Thanks for reading.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2020
id 8584706
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Jambomo ( Member #74853) posted at 8:19 AM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

I’m sorry that you have to be here and that he has done this to you.

I think you have to honestly ask yourself if you really want to be with someone who is so infatuated with someone else to the point he’s happy to drop your relationship to be her bootycall? They talked about making a go of it, well I’m sorry but I think that puts you as plan B - whether she was into it or not.

It’s still relatively early in your relationship and you don’t have ties like a house and kids together. If you are long-distance then it’ll be hard for you to really know what he is doing or if he is in touch with her again. I know what it’s like to be watching all the time and wondering who he is messaging/if they are still talking etc - it’s a horrible life.

[This message edited by Jambomo at 2:20 AM, September 8th (Tuesday)]

posts: 240   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Scotland
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 10:38 AM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Hmmm. My advice is that you would be raising a another child IF you stay in this relationship.

Let’s say for arguments sake he dumps this girl and never sees her again. Worries over right? Maybe not.

What about when some cute girl comes along Next year and he becomes interested? He may cheat yet again. And hide it better.

You don’t want to be the relationship police constantly monitoring and checking up on him. He sounds immature and not ready for the committed relationship you had. Sorry to say it but it’s something to consider.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10504   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8584758
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 CentralPerk (original poster New Member #75370) posted at 6:14 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Thanks for your replies. You’re both right, I don’t trust him not to cheat again. I think his trouble is he was overweight when he was younger and has trouble with confidence but now he’s lost a lot of weight this confidence has increased but his desire to be wanted is still there from those days gone, an ego boost if you will.

I know I need to finish this relationship but I can’t seem to bring myself to do it

posts: 3   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2020
id 8584915
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SlapNutsABingo ( Member #71353) posted at 6:59 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Dating is a test to see if someone if life worthy, you passed wonderfully. He has failed miserably. Find someone else to take the exam with....

[This message edited by SlapNutsABingo at 2:55 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)]

posts: 383   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: WI
id 8584927
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 11:23 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

The sooner you end it the better. He’s hurting you by contuing this behavior and you deserve better.

At least a drama free BF.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10504   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8585054
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NevaMae99 ( New Member #71283) posted at 11:12 PM on Friday, September 11th, 2020

I'm so sorry to hear this. My ex husband and I dated long distance for a lot of our relationship. We would talk on the phone every night and tried to see each other at least every other weekend. We always had the best time together. I ended up moving to live closer to him. Things were great for about the first year and a half. And then I started noticing little things. He hadn't cheated on me yet at that point (that I know of) but I was starting to notice things about his character living in the same area as him and being around him in his daily life.

Long story short, we were married for 7 years and in that time, he cheated on me multiple times. He always had a way of making it seem like it wasn't as bad as it was, he was so sorry, etc. The last time was the worst and the one that ended our marriage. It had been going on the entire time I was pregnant with our son and I found out when our son was 5 weeks old. It was the most horrible, traumatic experience ever in my life. Initially, he said he wanted to stay together. He changed his phone number as well to appease me and make it appear that he was really trying to do the right thing. But behind the scenes, he ended up secretly giving the other woman his new number and he was quick to hide anything from her.

We have two kids together and breaking up was incredibly difficult and painful. It has now been almost 13 years and I can honestly say going through that changed my life in a very positive way. I started going to counseling and attending a ladies' Bible study and it changed my life. I learned SO much.

There were a lot of red flags when we were dating that I chose to overlook because I loved him and didn't want to endure the pain of being without him. The thing is, everyone does dumb things sometimes and makes mistakes, but our character is formed by how we deal with the. For one, the fact that he said his "instinct" is to deny or lie is a big red flag. Lying, in general is a big red flag. It's deception. He's willingly deceiving someone he claims to love. And more than once.

I think you are right to be concerned about this relationship. If you do choose to end it, I'm not going to lie... it's going to be hard for a while. But it won't be forever. Sometimes you have to endure short term pain in order to obtain long term benefit. It's important to fill that empty place. I chose to fill the emptiness with prayer and pouring my heart out in counseling. I also made up index cards with quotes and words of truth that I needed to remember and I put them around my house so that anytime I went into a room, I saw truth instead of the lies that would go through my mind. I also made a playlist of songs that brought me comfort. And I stopped watching shows and listening to songs that made me feel sad.

You can do this. You are worth far more than someone who chooses deception. Yes, he likely has things in his past that made him that way. My ex did as well and I spent a lot of time trying to figure him out and "fix" him. But that's not your job. If he wants to change, the desire has to come from within him. I pray that he does feel that desire. But in the meantime, I think you have to protect yourself and protect your heart. Hugs to you, my friend.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019
id 8586581
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WhatsRight ( Member #35417) posted at 12:33 AM on Monday, September 14th, 2020

I’m so sorry that you are in this situation.

The thing that really caught my eye was that he cheated on you only nine months into the relationship. That is very telling in my opinion.

You have gotten a lot of good advice here.

I would say some thing similar to what you’ve been told, but instead, I’m going to answer your question directly…

You asked, “What would y’all do?

My response...RUN.

So sorry for your heartbreak. 💔

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7187   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8587170
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 10:32 AM on Monday, September 14th, 2020

Also I know 15 people (plus more here at Surviving Infidelity) that were cheated on prior to marriage. Some were engaged and some were BF/GF.

Everyone of them were cheated on while married. Some were serial cheaters and others were occasional cheaters.

It’s as if you send a message to the cheats that by forgiving them that you accept the behavior and will forgive them again and again.

I hope this helps you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10504   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8587268
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 CentralPerk (original poster New Member #75370) posted at 5:06 AM on Sunday, September 20th, 2020

Thank you for all the advice and words of encouragement. Neva that’s absolutely awful I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I just cannot believe how some people can behave and not care how badly they’ll hurt others.

I found out that bf had lied to me one night last week. Said he was going somewhere and I saw on the map he went somewhere completely different. I asked him multiple times where he was, when he thought he’d be home, what route he was taking etc., the kind of questions to see if he would own up and he didn’t. I know it wasn’t anything sinister but why on earth did he have to lie. When I questioned him about it a few days later he said his one ex didn’t like it when he would do things instead of spending time with her and my response was we’ve been been together almost two years, why on earth would you think it would bother me. It’s a hobby we both share and have done together in the past and I don’t know why now suddenly he thought where he went for this hobby would bother me when I’m 200+ miles away.

This had been the straw that broke the camel’s back and I know I can’t and won’t take anymore of this lying. I’m a good person and deserve much more than someone treating me like this.

[This message edited by CentralPerk at 11:08 PM, September 19th (Saturday)]

posts: 3   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2020
id 8589599
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 11:52 AM on Sunday, September 20th, 2020

I’m sorry for you. If he’s lying about small things you have to wonder if he’s lying about more important things.

He just doesn’t see how his poor choices after the infidelity are destroying or destroyed a good relationship.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10504   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8589633
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squid ( Member #57624) posted at 4:57 PM on Sunday, September 20th, 2020

No Soliciting

Run and never look back.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:10 AM, September 20th (Sunday)]

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2582   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8589688
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 7:05 PM on Sunday, September 20th, 2020

The fact that you're in a long distance relationship is the biggest impediment to R. I don;t see how he can rebuild your trust if he's not physically close to you.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25978   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8589720
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StillLivin ( Member #40229) posted at 8:08 AM on Tuesday, September 22nd, 2020

You have no kids together, no mutual property or investments, you've only been together just shy of 2 years, it's a long distance relationship, he started cheating (of the one AP that you KNOW of) less than a year into the relationship, AND you aren't married. Seriously? If you were in your early 20s and still gullible I could see why you wouldn't know better. You already know what you have to do. And, no, this loser is NOT your best friend. A FRIEND doesn't lie to you, a friend doesn't stab you in the back, and a friend doesn't risk giving you an STD especially when you have kids to raise. Penicillin doesn't kill everything.

If you really think that this is what a friend looks like, you need serious therapy to work on your self worth. Everyone deserves better than this BS.

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB
D: 7/2/2014

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id 8590242
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 7:25 PM on Wednesday, September 23rd, 2020

This is a no-brainer. Leave. Go find an adult you can build a future with. He is too young and probably has no clue how to be a stepfather to your children if it ever got to that point. On top of that, your relationship is long distance. The real question is why would you pick someone like this as a partner. He is inappropriate for you. Get into counseling and investigate why you picked such a person. Grow the hell up before it's too late.

posts: 409   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8590735
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hedothprotest ( New Member #58139) posted at 6:56 AM on Monday, September 28th, 2020

I have no advice, but I just wanted to send you hugs.

[This message edited by hedothprotest at 12:56 AM, September 28th (Monday)]

posts: 49   ·   registered: Apr. 4th, 2017
id 8592027
Topic is Sleeping.
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