Newest Member: faithfulMan911

Just Found Out :
It's been six weeks

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Talisman ( Member #75398) posted at 10:44 PM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

If you don't mind me asking, what country is your WW from? It might help with the advice being given.

posts: 72   ·   registered: Sep. 11th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8586882
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 Hiccup (original poster New Member #75359) posted at 12:05 AM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

Talisman --

If you don't mind me asking, what country is your WW from? It might help with the advice being given.

Philippines.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 3:43 AM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

Philippines.

Is her family Muslim or ultra Christian?

I hate to say it, but you wouldn't be the first guy I've read about who married a Phillipino woman, who moved to the states and then went hog wild (and in situations exactly like this). I read about a guy on Reddit whose wife actually WAS a paid escort. So anything is possible.

Just be careful.. she's dangerous to you family stability and mental health. I'm not going to do the lectures-- you know all the stuff you have to do. Take charge, don't let her deflect..

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8586946
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 Hiccup (original poster New Member #75359) posted at 2:44 PM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

Oh yeah, I know I'm not the first to be used like that. I've read a lot about scams in her country, I've even witnessed a few, and I know you have to constantly have your guard up.

Thing is, we met in person, not online (I don't even have any social media accounts). I felt our story was unique, and we had something to build on. I travel for adventure, I've never used women. She told me a lot about her family and a week after meeting her I said "Let's go -- I want to visit your home." It involved 20 hours of ferry/bus travel, so that wasn't a trivial decision.

What I'm getting at is that I didn't sense the "scam" in her character. And after we got married, we lived there for 3 years. I had my antenna up, never any suspicions, but I consciously decided a move the US was the best for our marriage.

And then look what happened....

Her family is rural, 10km on a mud road, not religious. But they are good people. Even divorcing her, I wish I could keep them. But no.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 7:29 PM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

Please understand I am not making excuses for your wife. What happens to many people from countries that don’t have the free falling, smack talking, law suiting, money spending life that we take for granted are like kids in a candy store with everything free. It’s culture shock in the extreme. I would think she is about 3 years old emotionally right now. What to do? What to do? What to do next? Think of the US as her own Vegas, baby. As long as she lived with the restrictions of her family she behaved. Now the sky is the limit.

Btw, I followed a retired serviceman, his Filipino wife, and their kid who bought a farm and raised their own vegetables. They took their time coming here so they knew how they wanted to live. Not every marriage ends up like yours.

No advice other that to take care of yourself and be realistic about everything.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2899   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
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Talisman ( Member #75398) posted at 1:38 PM on Monday, September 14th, 2020

I kind of figured she is from the Philippines based on what you told me. So the first thing they do when they arrive in the West is establish a network of other Philippinas or Philippinos. Through that network they find out all the things they can do or get away with in general.

The first loyalty is to themselves and then their family back home. There is often no loyalty to their husband etc.

When she hooks up with other guys, are they other Philippinos or generally different men ?

My uncle's wife is from the Philippines and took him for everything he had - even got him to invest in land and businesses in the Philippines but had it all in the names of various members of her family.

Be very careful here because you might not just be dealing with her but a whole support network that you do not know about. Take care.

posts: 72   ·   registered: Sep. 11th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8587295
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 3:04 PM on Monday, September 14th, 2020

I can more-or-less guarantee one thing: Two years after you divorce you won’t be getting birthday or Christmas cards from your then-ex in-law family. Doesn’t really matter how close you are now; things change with divorce. It’s not as if they shun you on purpose, it’s more that there is no longer a need to feed this relationship and therefore it eventually dies.

This just happens. Even if there is no infidelity. It’s always great if people can be cordial, but that's just a bonus rather than an expectation.

I can also share one more thing: It’s borderline insane to pay for a person’s professional advice and then totally ignore it. If your attorney suggests playing nice to negotiate the best possible deal, then I would follow that advice.

I think it’s relatively rare where people come to court with their divorce disputes and are fair. Usually it’s one spouse demanding in excess of what they are entitled to, and a judge will look favorably at the one that has been fair and reasonable. Allow her to be crazy but you remain the sane person. Will help you tremendously with the custody stage.

Divorce is the termination of a relationship – not an alternative form of marriage. Nobody “wins” divorce – they don’t give medals at the end of it for the one that get’s more. If done for the right reasons then your victory from divorce will be the ability to establish a life without the woman causing you this pain.

[This message edited by Bigger at 9:05 AM, September 14th (Monday)]

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
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Tempocontour ( Member #65971) posted at 3:12 PM on Monday, September 14th, 2020

If your ww is from another country couldn't you just cancel her green card? Even tho you married her, during this "Trump" time, it's suppose to be harder to become a U.S. citizen.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Northeast
id 8587328
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 Hiccup (original poster New Member #75359) posted at 5:00 PM on Wednesday, September 16th, 2020

Bigger --

If your attorney suggests playing nice to negotiate the best possible deal, then I would follow that advice.

Usually it’s one spouse demanding in excess of what they are entitled to, and a judge will look favorably at the one that has been fair and reasonable.

If done for the right reasons then your victory from divorce will be the ability to establish a life without the woman causing you this pain.

Thanks, four paragraphs, four gems of wisdom. They are noted. And will be followed. Your insights and reinforcement are what I was hoping for on SI.

As for questions about the green card: My wife has a 10-year green card, it can't be cancelled by me. The only way a green card can be revoked is voluntarily (by the green card holder), or by immigration court if the holder commits a felony. Or if it expires after 10 years. A US Permanent Resident has every right of a US citizen, except for voting and holding many government jobs. If she stayed married to a US citizen, she could gain citizenship after 3 years; otherwise 5 years. Nothing I can do about any of this. I knew all this thoroughly, going through the visa process, I just didn't know she would "leave the marriage" within 6 months of getting to the US.

[This message edited by Hiccup at 11:09 AM, September 16th (Wednesday)]

posts: 10   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
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Anniecake1 ( New Member #75224) posted at 2:51 AM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020

I’m so sorry this played out this way. I just wanted to say that you sound like a wonderful father and there is no greater calling on this earth than to be an excellent, caring parent. Bravo to you!

posts: 36   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2020
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 10:31 AM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020

Let's be clear on one thing:

Being fair and being a pushover are not the same thing! You should be firm on what is fair.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 12:09 PM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020

Well brother just keep doing what your lawyer advises.

Take care of #1 and that is your child. Keep up the medical advice as well, you need to keep your self focused on the end goal. Getting out of infidelity.

As soo as your lawyer says it’s ok. Let the world know of her ways.

One day at a time and strength to you and your child.

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8588448
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 Hiccup (original poster New Member #75359) posted at 5:01 PM on Thursday, September 17th, 2020

I finally got a phone appointment with my doctor -- no in-person appointments because of the pandemic. Got the full STD tests. I guess I can say that my wife made at least ONE good decision, she chose guys who were clean, all tests negative. And no sign of covid in me or my daughter yet, considering my wife's exposure habits.

And I got sleeping aids. For 3 nights I've finally got more than 3 hours of sleep.

The divorce process is still in the initial paperwork stage, there's always something that causes a 1-3 day delay. One more declaration is pending from a family friend, to vouch for my fitness as a father. I'm sure the divorce petition will go to the court next week, and the papers served on my wife.

My lawyer advised me to pack a "go bag" for me and my daughter, he's seen too many cases where the shock of being served caused the receiving spouse to go ballistic. My wife will start online college classes next week, so she'll be home to get served. That's one good thing about her schedule change. I'll be ready to escape with my daughter to a motel if necessary. I really don't know what to expect for her reaction, but she shows no sign of being honest with herself, no sign that she recognizes the consequences of her choices, so I'd be happy if she just packs up and leaves. I'm requesting the court to order her to leave by Nov 1. But as my lawyer says, it's up to the judge. I've made my case.

I scheduled counseling sessions through my doctor, I desperately need to talk to someone. That's one tragedy of the pandemic, I haven't socialized in over 6 months and I don't have anyone close. My daughter is suffering from that, too, but she's so young she doesn't know what "normal" life is.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
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Newlifeisgreat ( Member #71308) posted at 6:01 AM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

Do you have a VAR?

If you don’t, get one IMMEDIATELY!!!

And have it on you at all times! You said yourself that you don’t know how she will react once she is served. By having her served you are threatening to take away her comfy lifestyle and her daughter at least 50% of the time! But, in her mind, a claim of domestic abuse against you could go far in makBig sure you get very little time with your daughter after the divorce is finalized!

Betrayed SpouseShe cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being AdulteryDivorced 9/18Now VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

posts: 664   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2019
id 8588875
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 Hiccup (original poster New Member #75359) posted at 2:12 PM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

Newlifeisgreat --

Yep, I picked up a VAR a week ago.

I'm still adjusting to using it, I have to carry it in my pocket since we can interact anywhere in the house. At least 4 main locations. But because it's in my pocket, the recording is muffled -- I mean during playback you can tell there's no fighting going on, but the actual conversation is hardly discernible.

Anybody have any tips on using a VAR? How do you carry it with you and get good recordings? I have a good quality VAR, about the size of a small power bank (1.3"W x .8"D x 4.2"L), it does great recording in clear air.... but what's the best way of carrying it?

I'm definitely aware of possible fake charges of abuse, even though the chances of her doing that are small, I'm gonna protect myself. Once she gets a lawyer, I expect her to get mean.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8588972
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Westway ( Member #71747) posted at 2:43 PM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

If she's Pinay keep those sticks away from her...you know what I mean. She could hurt you.

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8588989
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Dismayed2012 ( Member #49151) posted at 3:51 PM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

You're learning a hard lesson Hiccup. The goal is to internalize it and never repeat the same mistakes. I have friends who married foreign women that were great while in their country but once brought to the US they changed and become trash. Your situation is not uncommon.

You have a great future ahead of you if you focus on yourself and your child. Success and a happy life going forward is the best revenge. You have options.

Take care of yourself. I wish the best for you.

Infidelity sucks. Freedom rocks.

posts: 1798   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Central KY
id 8589027
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 4:14 PM on Friday, September 18th, 2020

If it's small enough, keep the VAR in your shirt pocket.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8589036
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 8:15 AM on Monday, September 21st, 2020

Strength brother to you and the little one. The shit show will start the moment she is receives the documents.

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8589899
Topic is Sleeping.
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