Newest Member: faithfulMan911

Just Found Out :
It's been six weeks

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Hiccup (original poster New Member #75359) posted at 6:34 PM on Monday, September 7th, 2020

I just found this site, I can't help but vent... and hopefully find solace.

I know talking things over with a supportive friend or family is critical to my recovery. I haven't been able to do that. My sister lives 700 miles away, she knows all the details but we can only talk or text sporadically. I went with my wife (her reluctantly) to a marriage counselor, but it was obvious she won't commit to anything except pursuing her own "happiness". I asked the counselor to do more individual sessions with me -- but for some strange reason she blew me off (something I can deal with later). The only other person I've talked to is my divorce lawyer.

My wife and I married in her country a few years ago. We have a young daughter, born there. We did well as a couple during our life in her country, and I felt we were building a future. We never had any big marital problems that raised red flags. I went through the entire complicated, time-consuming, expensive visa process for my wife to immigrate to the US and gain a green card. Her -- and my -- dream was to live in the US and give our daughter the advantage of a good education.

We've been in the US for a year. Within 6 months, my wife had "left the marriage" -- she reveled in the new life, the independence, the freedom. I can't say we drifted apart, it felt like we were driven. She became distant, sometimes abrasive, and found every excuse to be out of the house. The pandemic isolation didn't help, I know she looks at life in the US and thinks "boring, we don't go anywhere, don't see anybody, a horrible place to live." Her original country would be a lot worse, for pandemic lockdowns, but she doesn't see that.

Six months ago I felt something change, I caught her in little lies and she started going out "with work colleagues" after work. Her phone, her paystubs, her bank account, everything was top secret to me. I tried to talk to her..... asked her if she needed a change, if we needed to change, if she was looking for something more. She took off her wedding ring 6 months ago; I gave her a list of things I insist on (wear your ring, never drive drunk, call/text where you're going) but she ignored it. At that point I knew, when I catch her in a lie, it's the third strike.

I said I knew she was hiding things, she needed to tell me the truth. I mentioned a few of the lies she had told -- but she denied everything, then basically clammed up. The lies got longer and more frequent, but still deniable, until last month she contradicted herself between 3 lies and I pressed her for the truth. It took an hour until she admitted: she had a secret Tinder account, she had been meeting up with multiple guys she met on Tinder.

I know most of what she was doing: Taking days off work but driving to the building, parking and taking Uber to her hookups' houses (several times). Texting me "party night at colleague's house" but spending the entire night (texting "I had too many drinks, I'll sleep here") at a Tinder buddy's house. Going "shopping" on her days off, but sneaking out to guys' apartments (several times) instead. Even meeting her hookups in the parking lot at work. But I didn't know soon enough, I've pieced together all this after-the-fact. When I pressed her for the truth last month, she told me only about 10% of it -- and says "I've told you enough." And she lies still about these things, she's a whole new class of cheater but she's a liar through-and-through.

I know of at least 23 times she met up with her Tinder hookups, at least 11 different men. She only admits to 4 of them. This much truth came out over about 2 weeks, and my pain, distress, depression, and anger just built day-by-day. It's been 6 weeks since her admission, and I still can't sleep more than 3 hours a night.

Our daughter is a beautiful, happy girl, at an age where her imaginative world turns everything into a game or adventure. She should have two parents to keep up with her, direct her development and enjoy her childhood -- but her mother has been absent at least 6 days a week, putting her own urges as her only priority. Our daughter is already suffering, every day she asks "Where's mama?" "I want to play with her" "Will mama put me to bed tonight?", and she acts out her desperation for attention. It's inexcusable for my wife to upend our daughter's life. She has done permanent damage to her family.

I'm the stay-at-home "mom-dad", I take care of our daughter 24/7 while my wife works full-time and sneaks around. My wife would spend all her "daughter-time" running around and screwing strangers, chasing her own gratification while I tended to a toddler's every need. Because of the pandemic, I and my daughter hadn't left the house in 6 months, except for neighborhood walks (and me going grocery shopping every 10 days, alone, to protect against COVID-19). My daughter is my top priority. I've had a toddler pulling on my sleeve the entire time, I couldn't check up on my wife's whereabouts at night, I couldn't cheat even if I wanted to, my wife used me when I was anchored at home so she could be alone and screw around. She threw her daughter's needs out the window while she spent every off-work minute satisfying her own urges.

And she did this during a pandemic!!!! She works in health care, she obviously knows better -- she put her family at risk, her daughter at risk! Screwing multiple strangers when health experts tell us to limit exposure outside the family. She refuses to talk about what was in her mind when she left her daughter alone and made choices putting us at high risk of COVID-19. She has no motherly instincts, no concern for her daughter's health and well-being.

I contacted a divorce attorney 3 days after my wife admitted the basics of what she did. The papers will be served within a week (Sept 2020). My wife doesn't suspect anything, in fact from her point of view, I've been the model husband for 5 weeks. She hasn't expressed any guilt, regret, or remorse for destroying me, her marriage and her daughter's life. Instead, she most likely sees me as "begging forgiveness" since I've been trying to meet her every need and coddle her (she has said several times "I'm hurting, I'm trying to keep it together"). But her patterns of hiding and lying and "independence" haven't changed.

Live and learn. I feel used, she has a green card, she'll profit from the marriage, she still has her list of Tinder hookups. She'll soon have the complete independence she's wanted. But I'll be damned if I'm giving up my daughter to be raised by her.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8584529
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squid ( Member #57624) posted at 7:03 PM on Monday, September 7th, 2020

Make sure you document all of your WW's activities. Keep it in a safe place.

Buy a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times to record all conversations with her in the future. She may try to concoct a domestic abuse charge against you.

I don't know the legalities of green-card marriages. But definitely keep your attorney informed and ask for his expertise. If it means you have to get another attorney, do it. It could mean the difference between you seeing your daughter or never again.

You could easily argue the fitness of your WW's parenting abilities given her Tinder activities. This is why you document everything.

Yes, your WW has left the marriage. It's now your turn to officially end it.

When she finds out she's going to give you the whole song and dance, blame you for her doing what she did, try to tell you that she only really loves you. Don't fall for it. Record it all.

Very sorry you're here. You did the hard part of filing. It's going to get a bit tougher while she flails and lashes out and gets nasty. Just sit tight and DO NOT ENGAGE.

Read up on the 180 in our Healing Library and start to detach.

Stay tough.

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2582   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8584536
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 7:11 PM on Monday, September 7th, 2020

Get your daughters passport under lock and key.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10504   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8584539
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 Hiccup (original poster New Member #75359) posted at 7:58 PM on Monday, September 7th, 2020

Thanks...

I've been keeping a journal since late March -- a text file, it's now 350KB and I document everything. Also keep backups.

Her green card is for 10 years, I know this stuff thoroughly inside and out. I planned and filed and completed the immigration stuff so that we'd be set up for life in the US. She will not be in danger of losing her green card (unfortunately; unless she commits a felony). An immigrant visa to the US involves me signing a contract with the US government to "reimburse govt for any public benefits" that she receives for basically 10 years. I signed that with clear eyes, I never expected otherwise. And I'm OK with that -- the money I would have spent on health insurance, cosmetics, clothes, etc. if we'd stayed married would add up to more.

My attorney and I have already prepared the divorce petition, focusing on my wife's absence from her daughter and lack of interest in her well-being. We've even got depositions from friends and neighbors who have witnessed my being the 24/7 parent. So, yes, hopefully that will weigh in for parenting rights.

And the draft petition already asks the court to order that I keep our daughter's passports, that my wife cannot take her out of the country, that she needs my consent to get a new passport(s) for our daughter. Got that. My daughter is my top priority, if it comes down to mega-spousal-support vs. child custody, I'll gladly make the trade (although she won't know that).

I've read the 180 stuff, I don't really understand the purpose -- unless it's to achieve reconciliation. I'll read it again with the idea of achieving detachment. I'm pretty far along on the points anyway, and for the past 5 weeks I've been the model husband. But reconciliation has no chance, I'm not gonna be the husband whose wife screws a dozen Tinder guys every month. She absolutely refuses to make a commitment about not continuing it in the future. There's no point in going down the "give me a timeline" or "write NC letters", divorce is coming and it's over.

She might get nasty when the divorce hits her, I don't know. But my attorney and I have been preparing. Her typical response to attempts to communicate is to clam up, but if instead she turns on the tears and pleads for mercy, I won't engage -- she already made her choices, there's no undoing.

Two things I gotta do, reading posts here on SI: 1) make a doctor appt for a complete physical, check for STDs (we had sex, although infrequently, during the months since she started screwing multiple guys, I was unsuspecting at the time), and get sleep aids. And 2) I'll get a VAR -- next shopping trip.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8584561
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squid ( Member #57624) posted at 11:02 PM on Monday, September 7th, 2020

I suppose the 180 may not help much in your case, given you are clearly well ahead of the curve and R is not in play.

You've made your decision and you've set forth a great plan. The 180 would be helpful if you were unsure of your path out of infidelity and would help you gain some mental clarity.

Counseling would also be helpful to simply help manage the emotional trauma. Ask your GP for meds if you're having trouble sleeping.

Stay hydrated, get lots of exercise.

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2582   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8584616
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FlowerPower ( Member #52231) posted at 12:06 AM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Six Weeks,

I am so sorry for your pain. You must feel like you've been used as a ticket to a green card.

You are doing so much better than I'm sure it feels!

You want out of infidelity.

You have been clear what you will not tolerate in your marriage.

You love and care for your toddler.

You are willing to make sacrifices for your child's safety, security & development.

You have documented your wife's infidelity and immature activities .

You have not shared everything you know with her.

You have seen an attorney.

You have prepared the paperwork and are ready to serve her with divorce papers.

All in SIX weeks during COVID? You are a ROCKSTAR in my book. Keep up the good work!!

As others have said:

Get the STD panel.

Lock up yours and your child's passport.

Get the sleep aid. (It has to be exhausting while watching a toddler 24 - 7.)

DO NOT have make up sex with your wife!

Get your financial affairs in order. Separate your bank accounts if you can.

Keep taking your child for a daily walk. You both need the outside air and change of scenery.

Eat healthy & stay hydrated.

You will get through this. You are stronger than you know, and you and your precious child should never be treated like this. If your wife has been in this country a relatively short while, and she is active on Tinder with a myriad of guys, she is not in a safe lane. THIS IS NOT SAFE behavior. Protect yourself and your child at all costs.

posts: 85   ·   registered: Mar. 13th, 2016
id 8584632
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 12:10 AM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

I know a young woman who went through this same thing. They married in his country. He knew of a perfect IT job in the US so he went through the charade and then dumped her and divorced her. She is over him now but it was tough for a while. I feel sorry for anybody that hooks up with your wife or this guy. That is very sociopathic behavior.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2899   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8584636
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baller20 ( Member #75093) posted at 12:18 AM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Hiccup: It took an hour until she admitted: she had a secret Tinder account, she had been meeting up with multiple guys she met on Tinder.

If this is her initial "confession" you should worry. Are all those really just Tinder hookups for no-strings-attached sex? Dig deeper, this woman has more on her conscience. Find out if she got/gets paid visiting men in their apartments/houses.

[This message edited by baller20 at 6:24 PM, September 7th (Monday)]

"Dance me through the panic till I'm gathered safely in"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsaxdFDAGik

posts: 56   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020
id 8584639
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Newlifeisgreat ( Member #71308) posted at 12:46 AM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Make sure you get a court order banning her from taking your daughter out of the country!!!

If your daughter has a passport, either destroy it or give it to a friend and ask them to hold on to it for you!!!!

Betrayed SpouseShe cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being AdulteryDivorced 9/18Now VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

posts: 664   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2019
id 8584653
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 Hiccup (original poster New Member #75359) posted at 10:11 PM on Friday, September 11th, 2020

My attorney and I work well together, and I trust his experience and advice. But I'm caught between doing what my gut says, and doing what he advises.

I had planned to spill the story to my wife's family when she got served (her family lives in her country). I told my attorney my plans and he says "No, don't do that. We don't want to come across as vindictive and mean, or screw up any possible negotiations." I can see that..... but if anybody on earth can drum some sense into my wife's head, it's her family.

We lived in her country for 3 years after we were married, only 10 miles from her mom, dad, brother, and sisters. I love her family -- in fact, they were one of the reasons I chose my wife. I also have their respect, I've heard countless times how much they admire me and how I fit into their world. They will absolutely want to kill her (figuratively, I hope) when they hear what she's done. I've gone this route before when my wife broke some boundaries, and the effect is immediate: when her mom and dad heard of what she did, they straightened her out quick and left her contrite and with clear instruction not to shame her family. That's the culture there, family is paramount, and I was glad to be part of that.

The divorce papers will be served next week, I've signed them already. Just waiting on one more statement from a friend who can vouch for my relationship with my daughter. So I have to decide in a few days: To tell her family? Or to wait until the divorce is final (probably 4-5 months from now), as my attorney suggests since then it couldn't jinx any negotiations.

If I don't tell them now, she probably won't tell them immediately either (although it would be impossible to hide very long). In any case, when she was caught, she told a few of her friends "I cheated on my husband", and she'll tell them the same thing. But it's 1,000 times more serious than that (she went on Tinder and fucked at least a dozen guys, strangers, sneaking off to their apartments when she was supposed to be at work, leaving her daughter at home with me 24/7 when she could have been a mother. And doing this in the middle of a PANDEMIC!!!)

He family needs to know the true story. They would be livid. But..... For me, the ideal outcome would be to have her go back to her country, leave me and my daughter to live in peace, and let me bring up my daughter knowing true family values. I don't know if she'd agree to this, but I have to have incentives. My attorney has a point: If I tip off her parents now, she won't have an incentive to return to her country just to face the firing squad.

What to do?

posts: 10   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8586565
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oldtruck ( Member #62540) posted at 2:18 AM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

telling her parents should not hurt you in court

posts: 1383   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8586651
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survrus ( Member #67698) posted at 2:29 AM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

Hiccup,

You wrote, she went on Tinder and fucked at least a dozen guys, strangers, sneaking off to their apartments

So she exposed you and your child to whatever Corona Virus strains these OM might have had and thought nothing of it. I hope your health has not been compromised by her actions.

Ask her if she wore a mask during sex, or did she force the OMs to do so, along with a condom.

posts: 1034   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8586654
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pureheartkit ( Member #62345) posted at 2:36 AM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

It's good that you are looking after yourself and your daughter.

Put some money aside too. She should pay back in time what she squandered on those men to your daughter.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2247   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8586657
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 4:04 AM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

Good lord, No sane person would advocate reconciliation in this situation. This site is about surviving situations like this, not advocating you stay in a miserable union full of abuse. You are misreading the impact and purpose of the 180. It’s not to punish your wife. It’s not to reconcile. It’s to protect YOU. YOUR mental health. Your daughter’s too. You know what’s making you so miserable? Being in the same space with a cruel, gaslighting abusive spouse. Stop talking to her beyond the barest of bars minimums. Tell her nothing about your plans, your misery, and your fear for the future. Take it for granted that anything you say to her in a moment of vulnerability will be used against you. She is an adversary now. You’re doing the right thing. I agree with your approach. Be smart, be tough. Don’t let her gaslight you or come back later crying crocodile tears. Remember... 14 guys. Keep telling yourself that. The hard part will be keeping it together until she moves out and you apply for 100% custody. Sending strength.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8586679
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 Hiccup (original poster New Member #75359) posted at 4:20 PM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

I see some of the same reactions I had to all these revelations...

I doubt my wife admitted to more than 10% of the truth. But when she first admitted meeting one Tinder guy (me not knowing the about the others yet), I asked if they used a condom. My immediate concern was STDs, obviously there's a lot more risky behavior beyond that (oh, say.... COVID!). She said "Yes!" But what proof would there be? And I'd be an idiot if I believed she sucked a condom, so even if there was a condom involved for a few minutes.... I'm realistic. And then I found out about the other dozen guys.

She also said she wore a mask when she first met them. Somehow she thinks this shows how conscientious she was about protecting our health, including the health of our daughter. Incredible. And I know she's lying.

There's no point in pursuing these questions with her, she'd lie all the way through, and the truth is pretty obvious.

She spent at least 3 months doing this, almost every hour outside of work (both scheduled and unscheduled time off) chasing guys. I was at home with our daughter, 24/7. She should have been here with our toddler. She should have been a mother, not absent from our child's life. Heck, she should have been a wife. As I said, she works in health care, she knows better, she should have protected us from COVID risk.

No, I'm not even considering reconciliation. The papers are signed, waiting for one more declaration from a witness -- vouching for my involvement in my daughter's life. My lawyer says we're on track to serve her next week.

As for the 180, I've got everything lined up for the divorce. She has no inkling of what's coming. We haven't talked about the "elephant in the room" for 6 weeks, as she refuses to engage. Of course, I wanted to know details of how/when/why/who/where -- I think from reading here on SI, it's the typical reaction when you discover your wife has been fucking around. But she lied, gaslighted, blame-shifted, and simply clammed up. For a couple of days I tried to talk to her, she essentially told me "Stop talking or I'll leave". I never considered reconciliation, I just wanted to know why she destroyed our marriage (and gave her daughter a life of suffering). But for the past 6 weeks, I haven't brought it up. There's no point. It's over, she has to live with the consequences.

We don't talk about "that", but we talk about normal life: what I'll cook for dinner (yeah, I'm the homemaker, she's usually working or out), what our daughter did today, when's her next bath, etc. I'm detached. I'm already moving on. The divorce papers will (hopefully) order her to move out in 6 weeks (too long, in my mind, but the court wants reasonable requests). Unfortunately, because of our daughter, my wife will be in my life for many years. I'd prefer she just disappear.

So my last post (where I asked "when should I tell her family?") was asking for SI's experience and advice. Her family (they live in her country) will want to kill her when they find out. Should I tell them the whole story next week when she's served? Or should I, as my attorney advises, wait.

Of course, that question doesn't impact the divorce if it gets to court. But I think the best outcome I can get in the divorce is through negotiation. My dream outcome is that my wife simply return to her country and leave me and my daughter in peace. My lawyer says if I "burn her bridges" in her home country, she might have no reason to go back, if her parents will put her in the firing squad. The court will never order her to leave the US, they will give her spousal support, child custody rights (hopefully < 50%), order me to pay for her apartment, etc. The best outcome for me is to negotiate the divorce, and my attorney says to keep things even, don't come across now as mean. On the other hand, I want her family to know the truth, which won't come from her.

What to do?

posts: 10   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8586762
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beenthereinco ( Member #56409) posted at 4:27 PM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

I'll ask what someone else said earlier. Are you sure she wasn't getting paid for this? I'm sort of confused as to what her motivation for doing this with so many men otherwise.

posts: 1429   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2016
id 8586765
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baller20 ( Member #75093) posted at 8:42 PM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

I remember a story about a guy who met a woman in an Asian country, they got together and got a kid too. After getting permanent residence permit (some European country) where he lived, she changed lifestyle. You know, going out a lot "with friends". Eventually the guy discovered she had an affair with his friend. When confronted she displayed narcissistic tendencies. Later he found a secret hiding place in his house where she kept a lot of cash. He asked her where she got this kind of money (she didn't have a job), and her mask slipped completely. She said, "I kill you and your child", behaving like a psycho he had to call the cops. The guy believed she was a hooker.

Please note, many psychopaths pass of like normal people from the beginning. Not saying that your wife is a psychopath, but you should be careful. You have already found out that you actually don't know her.

Some info from another guy, he had the bad luck of marrying a psychopath. Search: Marrying Medusa How to Survive a Female Psychopath" on Youtube (1 hour and 40 minutes but there is some useful info in the video).

"Dance me through the panic till I'm gathered safely in"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsaxdFDAGik

posts: 56   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020
id 8586837
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baller20 ( Member #75093) posted at 8:53 PM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

Female Psychopaths are often uber promiscuous, just like the guy explains in the video "Marrying Medusa".

[This message edited by baller20 at 2:54 PM, September 12th (Saturday)]

"Dance me through the panic till I'm gathered safely in"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsaxdFDAGik

posts: 56   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020
id 8586843
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 Hiccup (original poster New Member #75359) posted at 9:12 PM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

beenthereinco --

Are you sure she wasn't getting paid for this?

I hadn't thought about that until I saw the posts here. I have no real way of knowing, her bank account is top secret. I haven't seen her with any extra cash, but I know she hides things, probably at work.

It wouldn't change much anyway (except higher risk of STDs, in my mind). I mentioned the possibility to my attorney and he said it wouldn't change anything. I live in a no-fault divorce state, taking money from a guy per se isn't a crime. However, if I could prove prostitution, it would weigh heavily in my favor to get 100% custody of my daughter. I just don't have any indication of that.

Yep. I'd like to know her motivation, too. We talked about a lot of things before we were married -- about her future, our lives, her dreams, my support for her. And I told her that if she ever cheated, I would leave. More accurately: She would go. She definitely remembers this, maybe this is her extreme way of asking to get out of the marriage. Well, she made her point, it would have been a lot easier if she had just told me she wants out.

Or more likely, she discovered a life of freedom and plenty in the US and just went wild. That, plus adapting to a new culture, away from family, trying to fit in, trying to figure out if she was happy or depressed -- she can't handle stress. I've lived overseas for many years, so I know about culture shock, I was always there for her and helping her to cope with the changes and difficulties of moving halfway round the world. All that goes out the window, though, she broke her boundaries at least 100 times, I figure.

That's as far as I'll go in trying to figure out "why". For the first three days after I found out, I tried to get her answer to "why?", and got nowhere. She clams up. She isn't honest with herself, how could she be honest with me.

Make no mistake, the marriage is over. Papers to be served next week.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8586854
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thirtyyearsmore ( New Member #70589) posted at 10:26 PM on Saturday, September 12th, 2020

On telling the future ex in-laws.. definitely call them. First chance you get and are alone. Call them tell them the truth. Make sure she cannot concoct some story about you being abusive in some way. Afterwards, if they reach out and you want to talk to them then do so.

posts: 19   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2019
id 8586876
Topic is Sleeping.
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