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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 21

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skeetermooch posted 1/5/2021 18:11 PM

That pride is a good thing. I'm finally finding mine and I'm as outraged as I could be that he did this to me. Pride is a good thing if it helps us maintain healthy boundaries.

Somber posted 1/7/2021 07:18 AM

One thing that gets me is all of the mutuals who now know he cheated on me, who've never checked to see if I'm okay and still sing his praises.

I struggle with this too. In fact, I avoid people because I am embarrassed of my spouses action and think they must think Iím quite the fool to have fallen for it. I feel there are many people who knew but never had the courage to tell me. Those mutual friends spouses who would have heard, I wish they told me. I avoid them too. It has damaged friendships because further I donít know who to trust.

Worse, the OW who I would run into at swimming lessons, the school, walk around the neighbourhood and my very own cousin...aside from the mutuals who didnít tell us, the very OWís who could face us and pretend everything was normal make me the sickest!

I never had much pride, clearly, but Iím building some now!

skeetermooch posted 1/7/2021 12:44 PM

I had that feeling of utter mortification for a long time. I now know of coworkers he was wining and dining and outright hitting on. There was one very young woman who had been nice enough to me at first, but then when she started partying with my STBX on work trips and enjoying his flirtations (and maybe more), she would avoid me completely. I would catch her and her boyfriend giving me side eye and smirking - like they knew something. I know my ex was confiding in her that I was a jealous maniac - I'm sure leaving out that he was unfaithful.

I can't even tell you - dealing with this shit from a twenty something when I'm in my 50s was beyond humiliating.

I've got some Switzerland friends as well. One of these people called me the other day. I was honest with her that I don't feel comfortable being around people who are still friends with the man who abused me. It's more her husband who's maintaining the friendship, which kills me because I knew him first and introduced him to my husband, but my husband hires him for freelance stuff so he's going to stay friends with him.

In any divorce friendships shift radically. There are people who take sides, and folks who are terrified about their own marriages, who suddenly go MIA on you. This just adds even more loss. I've learned to hold my head up high and fake it until I make it. I know I did nothing wrong now. I fully believe I couldn't have seen through his con. He was that good. He's the only one who should be embarrassed. I am a survivor and I kicked his ass out - so I've got a lot to be proud of.

I can't even imagine having to see the OW. I don't have to see these women thankfully. Our paths rarely cross, hopefully never cross again. I can't even imagine seeing these assholes at the playground and your own cousin. There's a special place in hell for these desperate losers who would stab another woman in the back.

[This message edited by skeetermooch at 12:47 PM, January 7th (Thursday)]

crazyblindsided posted 1/7/2021 12:48 PM

In any divorce friendships shift radically. There are people who take sides, and folks who are terrified about their own marriages, who suddenly go MIA on you. This just adds even more loss.

Yes also dealing with this. I recently lost my friend of 30 years because of everything I have gone through. It hurts and does feel like loss upon loss. Also lost other friends who were either sick of seeing me struggle or their own husbands had a falling out with my ex. Luckily I have one girlfriend who has been there for me through thick and thin and I for her. I am thankful for her.

Hurtmyheart posted 1/8/2021 14:37 PM

I avoid people because I am embarrassed of my spouses action and think they must think Iím quite the fool to have fallen for it

<<Yes!>>

ForMe posted 1/9/2021 15:50 PM

Just wanted to let off some steam

I'm struggling with the fact that while my SAWH is making some changes, the way that he thinks is very much the same.

The other night I was triggered when I found out that he was receiving oral from prostitutes with no condoms. So the "I had protected sex with prostitutes to protect you" was also a lie. He reacted immediately with defensiveness and minimisation e.g. I knew you were getting HPV testing and I was getting STI tests etc. I gave him an earful of it and he reacted with more pity for himself. I am just sick of his behaviour patterns. Always looking at protecting himself. With him, its always 1 step forward 2 steps back.

Last night we had a fight about child support. He earns a whole lot of money, but because I'm a high income earner as well he's not going to pay me much for child support. When we were negotiating financial settlement he agreed to 2x base rate of child support. Yesterday he looked at his finances and back tracked saying that he only wants to pay 1.25x. He said he wasn't in a good state of mind when he offered 2x and he was trying to be a hero and look good in front of me. He also said that because he feels like I am done with him, he doesn't feel the need to support his child more than he needs to.

I was so disappointed with this I told him to stuff his child support up his butt. He knows that the minimum rate of child support will disadvantage his daughter but all he cares about is himself. I told him he was a deadbeat and he couldn't handle it. We were arguing about a mere 8% of his post tax income. He said that when he was looking at his finances he was stressed because he was thinking that if he gave me too much child support he won't be able to fuel his spending addiction and his lifestyle.

I told him that I had lost hope that he would ever change. Suddenly, he heard that I hadn't given up on the relationship entirely and he backtracked and said he now wants to give 2x. So transparent.

I think I just need to take this as a data point that me and my daughter are disposable to him. He can bask in the glory of being generous when I never asked him for higher child support but the moment that the rubber hits the road he only looks out for himself. I just need that part of my heart which hopes to die completely.

skeetermooch posted 1/9/2021 16:46 PM

ForMe,
They're typically only generous when they think there's something in it for them ie. getting you back. Once they either get you back or realize it's never going to happen, all generosity stops. Addicts are selfish, immature, entitled, resentful and dishonest. They are overgrown spoiled, greedy children. Very few can both stop the behavior and do the very hard work of catching up developmentally to adulthood. Your heart and head will meet one day, hopefully soon. It took me nearly 18 months to get there.

Somber posted 1/10/2021 07:53 AM

I am just sick of his behaviour patterns. Always looking at protecting himself. With him, its always 1 step forward 2 steps back

We can all relate to that! It is infuriating to not be heard, validated or see their empathy for the pain they caused. Over time, I just realized my spouse want capable of it. Or he is too invested in protecting himself that he will stop at nothing to do so...be it gaslighting, manipulating, playing the victim, shifting blame onto us....it is all behaviour to protect themselves. I hear ya!!!! I am sick of it all too.

As for child support, in my understanding it isnít decided by the two of you but rather a simple calculation done by lawyers based on each income. Not too sure though...

He reacted immediately with defensiveness and minimisation e.g. I knew you were getting HPV testing and I was getting STI tests etc.

Ughhh!! This stuff makes me angry. Iíve lived it too. The defensiveness and minimization is just extra cruel on top of the behaviour itself. These guys would be better off if they just took some damn responsibility for their actions at times!! How unfair, his assumption that you were getting tested too so he can do whatever. Thatís unfair. Iím sorry. Iíve been through the same crap. In fact, my spouse drove to another towns hospital once for some testical pain. He came back with antibiotics and claimed it was prostatitis...some BS! Now as I know more and see how many partners he has engaged with at the same time, Iím 100% certain he had an STD of some sort, lied to me about it and carried on as if that was okay. They are relentless and beyond cruel to protect themselves.

We are all disposable to addicts, I donít think they are healthy enough to do otherwise when their addictions take over. Sadly, you canít control, change or cure that in him.
It Has taken me many many years for my heart and head to be on the same page and some days they still dramatically pull me in different directions. There is nothing easy about any of this. Please know you are not alone. If you feel all over the place, feeling one thing one day, thinking another thing the next, please know again you are not alone.

crazyblindsided posted 1/10/2021 08:59 AM

He reacted immediately with defensiveness and minimisation e.g. I knew you were getting HPV testing and I was getting STI tests etc.

Iím 100% certain he had an STD of some sort, lied to me about it and carried on as if that was okay
.

Itís unforgivable what these addicts risk and expose us to. I will never forget the time I thought I got pink eye but it ended up being chlamydia . I went to my eye doctor and he said it looked like an STD. I had no idea chlamydia caused pink eye. About a month later I found out I also had gonorrhea. STBX tried to blame me said I was stepping out I donít know why I didnít leave then. Makes me very upset to think about even today.

Hurtexpat posted 1/12/2021 20:43 PM

Hi,

I learnt if my H affair in 2018, it pulled the rug from under my feet!

Throwing everything we had left into therapy, I felt we was beginning to move forward (apart from his ED) well anyway he cheated again and I found out in October 2020!

Since then Iíve learnt of escorts, affairs, pornography use, nude photo exchange, online dating apps etc...., my H was diagnosed a sex addict!

So here we are back in therapy, my H very withdrawn (Iíve learnt he is also suffering from intimacy anorexia and drug addiction) we have done workshops through The Laurel Centre and I personally have met some lovely ladies through these groups who have been amazing support.

Therefore, I decided to set up a support FB group for the spouse of sex or porn addicts, so the help that Iíve been fortunate enough to experience can be shared. Everyone in the group can offer valuable support!

If you would like to follow the group, itís called ďbetrayal trauma: strength, hope, recoveryĒ
Or type Facebook groups search and the URL number 827131641203734 (sadly I canít put a link on here, it doesnít allow me too)

Stay strong everyone, we are not in this alone.

ForMe posted 1/13/2021 16:20 PM

Crazyblindsighted, I'm so sorry that you needed to deal with that. To not only do that to themselves but to put your health at risk and then on top of that blame/project their cheating onto you. Its really the shit cherry on top of the shit sundae.

Hurtmyheart posted 1/14/2021 12:13 PM

I found something out this morning. Husband's coworkers must be talking about me. I have a couple of cases pending and I'm sure a lot of them know about my personal business. Ummm, he was my H for 32 years and I do deserve something from this shitshow that he had caused me. I mean, he ruined my life. When I look back at pictures, my views of the past are now severely tainted because of HIM, his actions and his cheating ways.

I saw that one of H coworkers birthday is today and I went to his Facebook newsfeed to see who wished him a Happy Birthday. I could also see an old post about cancer that I liked. One of his AP liked the same post several months back.

Anyway, I saw that she had blocked me and I could also see that he changed his status to where I can't see future posts anymore either.

Interesting that these two both were a part of my H affairs and yet they both blocked me from seeing their Facebook. She wasn't a fb friend but I was still able to see old posts on her newsfeed.

Once a light gets turned on, coachroaches flee don't they?

I also want to add that when she realized that I was able to see her fb, she quickly, I mean quickly changed her badass, big, bad cop profile picture to a loving mommy and daughter picture. What a big, fat joke.

What a fraud she is. Both of them are losers in my book. The farthest I'll go is to look at her fb newsfeed. And the only reason I did it is because we liked the same post.

She obviously has something to hide but of course is probably blaming me for her choices to fuck my husband. Notice I said choices? Over and over again. Longterm affair partner that he was going to divorce me over.

Hopefully, she and him can meet up someday following her demise. I think that they make a better couple than my H and I did because they were both cheaters with the same morals and values. But then again, I'm sure that he has many others who had agreed to cheat with him that he could choose from to spend eternity with.

I don't think it will be me because I am hoping that God has a better plan for me.

Hey, I'm not the bad guy (figuratively speaking) but they sure are making me feel that way.

crazyblindsided posted 1/14/2021 14:25 PM

(((Hurtmyheart))) I'm sorry you had to see that. Block them both so you NEVER have to see their posts again. You know what they say birds of a feather flock together. I've cut out everyone connected to my STBX I just want no part in the funny business.

I mean, he ruined my life. When I look back at pictures, my views of the past are now severely tainted because of HIM, his actions and his cheating ways.

Same it's hard to reconcile a whole life full of lies. I'm not sure I'll ever get over it.

Holeinthewall posted 1/14/2021 19:33 PM

Hi everyone. I am new to this nightmare. Just 5-6 weeks in. Still occasionally raging, thus the name Holeinthewall. Sorry in advance for the long post.

I found out SAWH was busy getting kinks on with a women during the COVID pandemic. I discovered this by piecing together EZpass info, phone bills, and adding up the amount of money he withdrew from our account and kept for himself. As I found each new piece of evidence I asked him about it. Five or six times he lied to my face about it. When I put it all together and confronted him, he admitted to the one woman.

Of course, I went nuts, crying, screaming - you all know the drill. Since we had been seeing a therapist already and had just begun to communicate with each other for the first time in pretty much all of our 12 years together (5 married). He swore that it was only the one woman (and one that didn't work out) when I asked, so we said we would keep talking. He stopped seeing her and was being nicer to me, but

Not sorry, no remorse. WTF?? Tries to blame the marriage. Tries to blame things that I did. I wasn't buying any of it.

Fast Forward two weeks, I am on his Amazon account buying Christmas gifts for the nieces and nephews, and I find a previous order for some woman I don't know, that he "adores". I get him on the phone and flip out. He comes home from work and now its four women and as soon as the gifts were purchased, he changed the password to his account. I am reduced to a blubbering idiot again.

Here we are nearly a month later. He's been going back and forth - not sure if its the addiction or if he was just unhappy. Our couples therapy has been the same for the last few weeks - if we do not deal with this, we can't get past it. He is still being a dick about attending any zoom SA meetings.

My goal is to focus on me. Keep my depression in check. Work through these crazy emotions. Focus on a couple of hobbies. Stop being concerned about stuff that I cant control (his health that he is not taking care of or whether or not he gets to a meeting).

We are living in the same house and have separate bedrooms. We are being nicer to each other but I feel very awkward. I do not believe a word he says. I've got various plans in my head for the future but I'm not ready to make a move just yet.

Any words of wisdom you can offer on how to get through this would be greatly appreciated.

MakeMineReal posted 1/14/2021 20:08 PM

Hi HITW - so sorry you have a reason to be here.

You asked for words of advice:

Get tested for STD's.

Listen to your gut. My ex told me countless times that he'd "told me everything". Swore on the bible, on our kids lives.... Every time I felt like something seemed off, or had even a fleeting gut feeling, I was right - there was more. Every. Single. Time.
They tend to tell only as much as they think they have to, to get you off their back. Part of the thrill for them is feeling like they're getting away with something. I've heard it called "duping delight".

If you haven't already, start putting aside some money for yourself, even picking up a couple gift cards when you get groceries, to put away for yourself if you end up on your own.

Know that you are not alone! I felt like such a freak in the beginning, like the only one who's husband treated her with such disdain and even hatred (behind my back). The way he devalued me, created issues in his mind to justify what he was doing, is still unbelieveable. Know that anything and everything you are or will go through, someone has lived through. You are not the freak or the crazy one.

DevastatedDee posted 1/15/2021 09:10 AM

Oh HITW, I am so sorry. I've been there. First it was two, then it was 7 or 8, there's absolutely no telling how many it was for my XWH or how long it went on. I just assume the whole time and a whole lot. The stage you're in is the absolute worst. This is going to suck for a good while. But this is important...it WILL get better. There's no overnight fix, but you can speed it up for yourself.

1. This had NOTHING to do with you or the marriage. That's the worst answer and the worst truth in a lot of ways, but it is ultimately freeing. This is about some really fucked up stuff in his head. He doesn't know how to love. It is all but impossible to grasp how someone you love and trust so much can disregard you to this extent, but they can and they do. Sure, they may find "reasons" that they were unhappy, but please. This is outrageous and appalling behavior that isn't caused by anyone else.

2. You cannot do one thing to fix him, make him honest, or grant him decent morals and empathy. Nothing. Zero. There are people more hopeful than I am about a sex addict/serial cheater's ability to change. You won't hear much of that from me. It would have gone easier for me if I had been able to accept that he really was the kind of person who would do this to me instead of wondering what broke inside of him to make him suddenly become that person. Nothing broke that wasn't already broken when I met him. I just didn't know about it. See him for who he is. Work on dropping the mental image of who you thought he was. This hurts a lot, but it brings clarity. Drop any fantasies about who he could potentially become. You don't control that and most of these kinds of men don't change.

3. Attend meetings (virtually for now) like Al-Anon to learn how to detach. Seek out support. Focus on yourself as much as possible. What do you like? What makes you, you? I don't care if it is as simple as "I like butter pecan ice cream" or "The color purple makes me happy". Whatever it is, give it to yourself. Make you more important to you than anyone else is, because you are going to need everything in you to get through this. You are your own warrior and deserve to be cared for. Embrace everything about yourself and love yourself as hard as you can. If you need meds to get through this, that's okay.

4. Cry as much as you need to. This feels like hell because it really is hell. I wish so much that I could go back to me at 5 to 6 weeks out and hug me so hard. I remember wanting to just die. Wishing I could just die. Weeping because I narrowly missed being hit by an 18-wheeler on the road on the way home from work and feeling like that would have solved all of my problems and berated myself for swerving out of the way. It hurts so much and I know it. Your reality has just been yanked out from under you and you don't know which way is up. Aliens could probably land on your front yard and you'd think "yeah, that tracks". Nothing feels quite real at this stage. And you've gone through this now, in these times? Oh man. I wish I could give you the hug that I needed at this stage. I promise you that you won't walk through this alone, even if all we have is virtual support.

5. He will never understand the severity of what he did to you. He is likely to try and play the victim. He is probably doing that now. Give up on this as soon as you're able to. It only adds more pain watching them turn it into a saga all about their pain and sadness. He may cry, but those tears aren't for you at this stage. He may make promises, but trust actions only. Words don't count. I can't tell you enough how much those words don't count. Many of us have had weeping begging husbands declaring love only to find out that that this was merely manipulation. It is HARD to see them for who they are. They wear a fine mask for a long time, but DDays seem to tear that mask down. You will observe faulty thinking from him that will surprise you.

But listen, it really does get better. The shock fades. Clarity arrives. I don't recommend staying with a sex addict or serial cheater. Maybe some can change, but that's irrelevant. You have to be pretty messed up to do what they've done and even if they can change, you're talking years of work for such a character rebuild to happen and they have to desperately want it. You aren't obligated to wait around for it. Every moment I wasted staying was a moment that delayed my own recovery. I put in 8 months or so post-DDay and that was too long. I'm a happy person now. I have my own life that has nothing to do with addiction or cheating or any of those horrors. I don't miss him. I don't spend my days thinking of infidelity or breaking down crying. I'm content. It absolutely gets better. This hell is temporary.

static posted 1/15/2021 14:24 PM

Hurtexpat,
I tried to find your fb group. I tried using the number and the name. Maybe it is set to not be found? I would like to join your group.
Thank you,
static

Holeinthewall posted 1/15/2021 18:47 PM

MMR & DD

Thank you for your replies. Since we are at the point where he needs to get his shit together, I am backing off, still being nice. But now I recognize who he is now, what he is deflecting and the crappy excuses he uses.

For the first month or so, we acted like we intended to stay together, discussing our problems and trying to work on things. Even our therapist, for the past two weeks said we are wasting our time if we do not deal with the main issue.

The more I learn,the more I burn,so I do not expect this to end with us together, at least at this point. So during this time when he is just seeing a therapist and not getting into recovery, still waffling back and forth. I feel it is very awkward in the house when we are together. That is when I get confused. I am sad, angry, disappointed, heartbroken yet still want to be hugged. I HATE THIS.

Getting through the next few months is going to be tough. Getting him to leave is going to be tough. I am looking for an attorney I can consult with.

My focus is to do my best to keep my depression under control, enjoying some hobbies, and working on me.

skeetermooch posted 1/15/2021 20:12 PM

HITW, so sorry you are going through this. Yes, we want a hug from he person we've seen as our source of comfort for years, only now they're also the one causing us pain and trauma.

Living together when he's not showing remorse and not fully attacking the problem or even blaming you is hell. Please read up on the 180 on this site - it will help you survive.

Holeinthewall posted 1/16/2021 19:09 PM

Thanks Skeeter. I read up on the 180 and it sounded great. I went out today, had a great day, then came home...

I asked (yes, that was something not to do) if he intended to get to a meeting before we saw our therapist this week, because, if not, it would be as worthless as the last two weeks have been. After a few words back and forth things escalated.

I ended going off completely, telling him to think about other places to live (he's going to play hardball on that one), that I am sick of him jerking me around, and calling him a coward who to scared to face his issues and a pussy because he knows he will have to do some work. Things are tense right now.

After my tirade, I have calmed down. Got myself together and he is in his man cave - good riddance. I am all about me again and I think now that I have said what I have been needing to get out, I feel lighter.

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