Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
WS has no idea I know

Topic is Sleeping.
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 2:23 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

7. STD test

I've already ordered mine. Up to her to get tested herself.

Demand she gets one done and show you the results regardless, the "walk of shame" to the doctor's office helps with remorse, plus she's still the mother of your kids so if she has contracted an STD, the sooner the better.

Do not EXPOSE prior to the confrontation, if you do the POSOM may call her to get their stories straight plus your WW will delete everything from her phone, make sure you hide the keys to all the cars to reduce the chances of her storming out of the house.

EXPOSE right after the confrontation, start with OBS and then her parents and siblings right after it, and let her deal with the phone calls and shame, see FULL EXPOSURE without warning, typically kills the "beautiful, romantic and exciting" aspects of the A and replaces them with pure shame and ugliness, the more she hates the A the more she would hate OM and the less likely she would be to cheat again in the future, it's called consequences, once you expose to OBS/GF the POSOM would typically dump your WW and throw her under the bus in an effort to save his own M, this would be like a cold bucket water thrown on the head of your WW.

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Smillie ( Member #51537) posted at 2:36 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

You have been shafted.

posts: 470   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2016   ·   location: Scotland
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Smillie ( Member #51537) posted at 2:42 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Send her on her merry way my friend. Don't be bitter. Just accept you chose a wrong un and be rest assured that your daughters will be fine. It happens in the world.

N.B. Blokes are stupid.

posts: 470   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2016   ·   location: Scotland
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faithfulman ( Member #66002) posted at 2:45 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Get the word "ask" out of your vocabulary, outside of "You must truthfully answer the questions I ask or it is over"

Reconciliation is your choice (If she wants it, but don't ask her for it). You put yourself in a position of weakness if you are asking your wife who has shit all over your vows to reconcile.

Best bet, tell her divorce papers are on the way. If she then asks you to reconcile, you tell her what the boundaries and your demands are for you to even CONSIDER reconciling with her.

This is always the hardest part. You're heartbroken and want to fix it, she is walking on clouds with her little fuckbuddy. It comes crashing down for her when she is confronted, but that is the moment when you have to switch the dynamic to put her on her heels.

I would suggest you put in a full-blown information gathering operation before you confront: Voice Activated recorder in her car, phone monitoring software, maybe a GPS.

You'll know all you need to know after that.

If you want to know more about that, just ask.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 8:54 AM, September 3rd (Thursday)]

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Butforthegrace ( Member #63264) posted at 2:52 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Best bet, tell her divorce papers are on the way. If she then asks you to reconcile, you tell her what the boundaries and your demands are for you to even CONSIDER reconciling with her.

I would qualify this. The threat of divorce should NEVER be used as a gambit to attempt to coerce some specific behavior from your WW. It cannot possibly work. I don't know if that was Faithfulman's intent with his statement, and I don't mean to put words in his mouth, but I myself found the statement a bit ambiguous on this point.

Further, I would suggest that you do NOT "tell her what the boundaries and your demands are". Rather, I would tell her you're out the door, and take concrete steps to in fact get out the door. If she asks for R, then you ASK her what boundaries and actions SHE WILL DEFINE AND ABIDE BY, VOLUNTARILY AND FROM HER OWN VOLITION, in order to try to get you to consider R. Make her define her own boundaries, and then you decide whether they are enough.

For example, if her boundaries don't inclue banishing C from her life, then your answer remains "Hell naw."

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 2:58 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Brother, you sound like you have your shit in one sock.

I like the idea of getting the phone prior to the confrontation.

Preparation is best, have your plan written out when ready to confront. Just breath, keep calm, don’t let the anger take over. Calm, no pick me dance. Just hard facts. Then the 180, grey rock my man!

Shining a light on her A is very positive. When you have had the confrontation.

Then talk to C. Tell her that she is toxic and is no friend to you, the marriage your children and what you had with your WW. Let her know that her action have actively supported your WW in her conscious decisions.

That she will be getting her wish that your marriage may be over and your children may have to be separated from a loving home. How is she with this? Let her new partner know of her actions.

Exercise and water is a must. No booze or recreational drugs.

Can I ask how you found out. You have very good intel.

Buffer

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 freefaller (original poster New Member #75304) posted at 2:59 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

So much more excellent advice. Thank you all!

Polygraph

Not sure about these - I already have all of the detail I need, so it's not like I need to get more out of her. If there is a need, I'd definitely consider using them though.

Exposure

In terms of the AP's girlfriend, if the opportunity arises, I will be asking WS to call her and explain. Otherwise she will be getting a call from me. I want her to not have to deal with the POSOM as much as I don't.

TBH, I'm going to have to 'play it by ear' - I don't think I have a predictable path here.

* I won't ask for R.

* I will explain she has ruined our marriage, destroyed all trust, etc...

* I can't imagine her ever voluntarily offering to cut C out, but if she offers to go NC with AP I may suggest that it is not enough and that all enablers must go, and see if she gets it

There is so much to think about, and so much unpredictability.

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faithfulman ( Member #66002) posted at 3:00 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

I would qualify this. The threat of divorce should NEVER be used as a gambit to attempt to coerce some specific behavior from your WW. It cannot possibly work. I don't know if that was Faithfulman's intent with his statement, and I don't mean to put words in his mouth, but I myself found the statement a bit ambiguous on this point.

NO, I mean he should really get the divorce process started.

Further, I would suggest that you do NOT "tell her what the boundaries and your demands are". Rather, I would tell her you're out the door, and take concrete steps to in fact get out the door. If she asks for R, then you ASK her what boundaries and actions SHE WILL DEFINE AND ABIDE BY, VOLUNTARILY AND FROM HER OWN VOLITION, in order to try to get you to consider R. Make her define her own boundaries, and then you decide whether they are enough.

For example, if her boundaries don't inclue banishing C from her life, then your answer remains "Hell naw."

That's fine to let her take a first crack at it, but since when has a cheater ever come correct with boundaries once confronted?

It's always "I need time to figure out my feelings" or things of that ilk.

Cheaters by nature are all fucked up in the head. What she says is going to be wrong, lies, and minimizing, and an attempt to preserve her fantasy world.

I advocate taking control of the situation and letting her know he will take no bullshit. I would not put her in the driver's seat, she already proved she is a terrible driver.

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Newlifeisgreat ( Member #71308) posted at 3:00 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

My ex didn’t know I knew everything too.

I went to lawyer the next day and filed immediately.

The first idea she had that I knew anything was when the Deputy served her when she and pos were together.

While I made a million mistakes, filing immediately and surprising her with being served, and informing POS’s wife were NOT mistakes!!! From that point on I was in the driver’s seat, and don’t regret it!!!

Stay strong

You will get through this.

Remember that you deserve better than this!!!

Betrayed SpouseShe cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being AdulteryDivorced 9/18Now VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

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GoldenR ( Member #54778) posted at 3:01 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

A lot of words there. Just have a feel down below , then determine your course of action. Trust yourself and reconnect with you own nature and don't get too bogged down in the nonsence.

A lot of words where?

A feel down below where?

And what nonsense?

[This message edited by GoldenR at 9:09 AM, September 3rd (Thursday)]

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 freefaller (original poster New Member #75304) posted at 3:04 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

@Buffer Sorry, no sources. I'm playing this as close to my chest as possible, and hoping for the best.

In terms of serving papers etc, I'm not in the US, so it's a little less dramatic. I'm definitely going to be starting the process ASAP. I should really have got the ball rolling sooner, but it's been so sudden, that it's hard to get my head together. It's the next step for sure though.

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DictumVeritas ( Member #74087) posted at 3:13 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

freefaller,

No more advice from me at the moment, simply a compliment on how you are processing things...

I was a complete mess for a while after I found out and did many things wrong... Mind you I didn't have SI back then and I played everything by ear.

Keep your calm, you've got this brother.

Just a couple of tips, driving in a car is a good place to just scream to get rid of your frustration and although you are ill-advised (if possible) to shed a tear in front of your WW, it's not a total train-wreck and definitely almost expected in private.

Strength to you.

Your life is but a flicker to the cosmos and only the brightest flickers are recorded by history for good or bad. Most of us just want to live our lives without being interfered with.

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Kaliber ( Member #74046) posted at 3:18 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

freefaller. read Bigger respond above:

Bigger:

She’s going to tell you why she had to have the affair. There is a standard answer to EVERYTHING:

You didn’t show me attention: I am sorry you feel that way. It doesn’t explain or justify your decision to have an affair. If we were working at our marriage we might have to deal with that issue, but since you are committed to your infidelity there isn’t really and need to go there.

You go fat: I am sorry you feel that way. It doesn’t explain or justify your decision to have an affair. If we were working at our marriage we might have to deal with that issue, but since you are committed to your infidelity there isn’t really and need to go there.

I was lonely: I am sorry you feel that way. It doesn’t explain or justify your decision to have an affair. If we were working at our marriage we might have to deal with that issue, but since you are committed to your infidelity there isn’t really and need to go there.

You're the victim, you're the betrayed one, so don't and never allow any bullshit what so ever from her!

You don't have a choice of being a victim, but you always have a choice of remaining one!

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Sharkman ( Member #56818) posted at 3:22 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

You are handling this GREAT but I do have one small suggestion. Exposing to the other betrayed spouse is unfortunately on your shoulders. Do not tell your wife that you are doing this. You'll quickly know how well she is doing No Contact if she finds out that you've done this.

Additionally, but yourself in her shoes. Hearing from your wife will be incredibly painful to her. You, on the other hand, is the only person in this world who is in the same exact shoes as her. It's not easy for you to do, but it's the right thing to do both strategically and from the perspective of empathy.

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Sunspot ( Member #74231) posted at 3:27 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Freefaller, I suggest you expose just before having the confrontation. If your wife warns the OM, he will get to his wife and paint you as some crazy paranoid lunatic who goes around accusing people of things.

Let the OBS know before your wife even has any idea you know. Or if you don't do that, at least tell your wife that you don't want to ruin another family and thus won't tell the OBS so they get a false sense of security.

Of course, if you have easily presented physical proof the above isn't so much a factor.

BTW, I want to say you're doing an amazing job with the self control. It's not many that get all their ducks in a row like you have. I wish you best of luck.

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totallydumb ( Member #66269) posted at 3:36 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

I have quickly read through this thread, it seems you are getting some good advice.

After you confront WW, kick her out of the master bedroom. This is your private space. She lost her right to be in it.

Tell her she can sleep in the spare room, the couch, garage or out in the back yard. You don't care, this is just one of many consequences from her actions and behaviors. This helps drive home that you are not going to tolerate her shit.

The timeline is very important. There is a two fold reason for it.

Firstly, you will get to see just how big of a shit sandwich that you will have to eat with regards to her affair(s). There may be more that you don't have a clue about.

And secondly, while WW is writing this timeline, it drives home to her how the affair is shameful, ugly and completely disrespectful. Ensure WW includes all the times that her friend C has enabled the affair.

You are doing better than most.

Good luck

If you see your ex with someone else--don't be jealous. Our parents taught us to give our old,used toys to the less fortunate.

posts: 454   ·   registered: Sep. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Alberta, Canada
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Mrhealed ( Member #46868) posted at 3:36 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Exposure

In terms of the AP's girlfriend, if the opportunity arises, I will be asking WS to call her and explain. Otherwise she will be getting a call from me. I want her to not have to deal with the POSOM as much as I don't.

I strongly recomend againt waiting to inform OM giro friend.

One your WW is confronted, she Will please to not inform OMBS, to protect him and protect her self. She Will be un preserving Mode. And if she is in the fog, Will treat you to not inform OMBS or she Will D, good resetment, etc

Let OMBS know, dont even tell your WW about it

"Infidelity is not a victimless offense. If she cheats on me, then I am a victim. If she intentionally cheats on me then I am an intended victim." by DoneGone

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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 3:37 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

In terms of the AP's girlfriend, if the opportunity arises, I will be asking WS to call her and explain. Otherwise she will be getting a call from me. I want her to not have to deal with the POSOM as much as I don't.

NO NO NO.

You do not put the onus on exposure on your WS. Exposure is not punishment. It’s a tool.

Plus having your spouses affair partner phone you is IMHO both an insult and increasing the pain.

YOU DO IT.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

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Tigersrule77 ( Member #47339) posted at 3:39 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

freefaller, sorry you are having to deal with this. I think you have a very good plan. Keep your focus on yourself and what you need. You will need to heal from this betrayal, regardless of whether you decided to attempt to R with your WW, or if you D. THAT should be your determining factor in any decision you make.

If you tell OBS before you confront your WW, be prepared for more lies from her, as AP will likely immediately contact her. Also, if you are unable to reach OBS, don't let it delay your confronting your WW. Focus on yourself.

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Stinger ( Member #74090) posted at 3:46 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Others have mentioned this but it seems the most common response from the cheater is blameshifting vs some form of regret. The latter seems to be very rare.

I have noticed, for whatever reason, that a high % of the BHs seem ready to accept some responsibility for the cheating. This is rarer for the BWs, at least according to what I have read.

I often see some form of " I was not the best husband" in these stories of betrayal. This mindset completely ignores all the cheater's deficiencies and the fact that no one is perfect.

I must say, to your credit, you do not display this mindset in your posts. But, be prepared. Your wife is, obviously, an underhanded, manipulative person.

If she goes there, I would advise not to use the" I am sorry you feel that way" response. In my opinion, the word " sorry" should never escape your mouth.

You can accomplish the same thing, a response indicating you give no credence to whatever she says, by either just saying " bullshit" or, if you feel the need to be more civil, something less profane that ,essentially, says the same thing.

But, never " sorry".

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Topic is Sleeping.
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