I've had some time to think and consider, and I'd like to give you all an update. It had it's ups and downs, and the
incident trying to contact AP GF nearly caused me to laugh, it was so ridiculous. This is how it went down:
Thursday (the day before)
* I asked if she was busy tomorrow evening or Saturday, and she said she was not - no plans at all.
* I told her I had a surprise for her tomorrow, and to keep the time clear. Her reaction was to say "That's bizarre",
but then backtracked and said she was "excited". She wanted me to give her a clue as to what it was.
* No clues
* Happy husband face on
* Get up and read some bits on SI (I get up early and can't sleep anyhow, so I have a lot of time here). Couldn't post
anything as I couldn't organise my thoughts into decent questions or statements, but reading helped reiterate core
ideas and I was able to reassure myself and solidify my plan further (Thank you!).
* sort the girls out, getting them ready for school
* Shower / organise myself
* Took the girls to school
* WS had arranged for us to view a house together, which we did a little after I dropped the girls off.
* WS had a day of business admin booked in with her business partner, and went to a cafe after I drove us home. This was
arranged previously, and was expected.
Afternoon / Evening
* WS arrived home from her work and collected me so that we could go get the girls
* Collected the girls from school
* Got the girls changed out of their uniforms and ready to go
* Feigned not knowing where my car key was, and took hers because I was already late. I was then able to take the car
key back, securing the transport I'd need for getting the kids and myself about (The car is mine, she just had a key,
and I didn't want to tip her off that I was taking it off her)
* I took our girls to my parents house, and arranged for them to stay the night at least
* During the time that I was out of the house, I tried to contact AP GF, but she'd just left the job that I had the
number for, so I asked them to pass a message to her to call me. I said something like "I need to speak to you [AP GF]
it's incredibly time sensitive. Call me back ASAP. It's regarding [AP]" They passed the message on.
* I came back and WS had gone to bed for a nap, so I went to see her. She knew I had been to therapy the day before so I
said that I'd like to have a chat about it, now that I'd had some time to think
* WS came down and I started the recorders. I recorded the whole thing on video and audio (two devices)
* She got a cup of tea and we sat down at the table
* I asked her if she loved me - WS: Yes, of course!
* I asked her if she loved our marriage - WS: It's the best thing I've ever done, and I'm so happy!
* I asked her if she loved the home that we'd built for ourselves and our family - WS: We've done so well, and I'm so
happy. I love everything we have.
* I took my happy dad face off, and shifted to detached and calm.
* I asked her to "Tell me about [AP]"
* She said he was the guy he'd done some work experience with and occasionally text for advice
* It repeated the question, adding that I want to know the specifics of their relationship, and she just kept saying
either "he's an advisor, and has helped me learn the business" and "I don't know what you want me to say"
* This was the most frustrating part. Going around in circles. I could see it wasn't going anywhere, so I asked when the
last time she saw him was.
* Bear in mind she has already told me that she saw him last Friday.
* She said she'd last seen him September of last year.
* A asked if she was sure. WS: Yes
* Me: What about Friday? WS: Oh, oh, yeah, I saw him briefly then!
* This went on and on. Circles of lies and trickle truthing. It took two and a half hours of me asking specific
questions and referring to an excerpt of the evidence that I had created in order to spot her lies before I managed to
get some semblance of and accounting from her. It was maybe 50% accurate at best, but it did include the fact that
they had met up and had sex, she had been exchanging pictures and flirting and that C had been enabling.
* I'm proud that I never lost patience, and I deflected any blame shifting. I explained what I knew to be true when I
needed to, and never revealed my sources. I never showed her the evidence.
* At points (especially getting details of them having sex), she would try to use softer words. I had her write down
what she'd done with dates, locations and details. She's start by writing something like "Slept together", but I
insisted she explain herself correctly. I told her that she needed to write that they fucked, and she met me in the
middle with "Had sex". She could barely say the words, and was visibly uncomfortable writing them.
* I had her write down details of everything she told me about on paper. Nothing of note was just spoken.
* Late on in this process (maybe an hour and a half in), I got a call from a number I didn't recognise. I answerd and it
was AP! He said "Hi, I've been asked to call this number as you have a message for me?". I said "No, I need to speak
to [AP GF]. It's a personal matter, and I cannot talk to anyone else. Can you ask her to call me please?". AP: "Sure,
no worries.". We hung up, and I assumed that part of the operation was blown. Annoying.
* I explained that the marriage is dead. Gone, and lost.
* I told her I did not trust her whatsoever and that I had no idea as to who she was
* I explained that this was traumatizing and humiliating, and that she had destroyed our family
* I said that this was going to take years of my time for me to get past, and that she owned it completely.
* I told her that we are getting divorced, and that I have begun the process already.
* I explained that the girls will be allocated to the most appropriate household
* I explained that the house will be sold, possessions divided and I'll move on.
* I then gave her some time to think, and went to make some calls to my support network.
* During the time I was making my calls, she wrote a letter. It was apologies, and some blame shifting, but
counterbalanced with 'I know that's not an excuse' (why write it then?) as well as a lot of self-deprecation (I'm a
piece of shit, awful person and unfit mother).
* There appeared to be some bits that others have mentioned in the threads "I'll absolutely do not want divorce" "I
don't want to lose you and the home we've built" and even "I'll do anything to save us".
* Now, this is super raw at this point, so there is a massive pinch of salt being taken with everything I read. However,
I decided to run with the boundaries.
A Quick Sidetrack
* In the middle of this, my phone rang again, and this time it was AP GF.
* I asked her if she was with AP, and she said she was alone, having just finished work.
* I told her about the affair.
* AP and APGF had been together for 6 years, and are in the middle of buying a house.
* She thanked me, and I wished her luck. I referred her here for support, though not sure if she heard that as she
sounded pretty shocked.
Getting to Boundaries
* I told her I don't give a shit if she's sorry. I don't care of her assessment of herself, and I do not accept any
blame or blame shifting. Everything about this situation rests on her shoulders.
* I said I'm ready to move on, and as of now, we *are* getting divorced as quickly as possible.
* I told her that I was still in shock, and am trying to process things, but from my standpoint, all she's brought to
the relationship is destruction, and I need to disentangle myself and the kids from what she's done.
* I asked her about "Doing anthing to save us" - to explain to me in concrete steps what she meant. I gave her time.
* She suggested councelling (both individual and marriage).
* She said she'd only go to work and come back home and that's all. (I think she was implying she'd become some weird
recluse or something, but I expect her real meaning was that she'd not see anyone else)
* I think her mind was racing and she was struggling to form sentences at this point so I stepped in.
* I said "We're getting divorced. That's it. I want to take some more time to consider how best to do that, but right
now I'm going to get it actioned as soon as possible." "It's probably a good idea for me to take more time so I can
think about things more, but if that's to happen, then I need to do that without you risking my security or position"
"I am going to give you a list of boundaries that must be followed completely."
* NC with AP
* NC with anyone not a friend of our marriage (C)
* An honest, open and committed relatinoship. No secrets
* Therapy for WS
* No privacy for WS (phone access, computer, diaries, location etc...)
* I will send her a book to buy and read (suggested earlier in this topic)
* WS tells her business partner and close friends about what she's done
* WS pays costs I've incurred so far (Minimal but not zero)
Putting Words Into Action
* Having explained the boundaries, I said that these were for now, and are subject to change, based on her actions.
* She wrote both NC messages (the one to C was significantly longer) and sent them.
* I asked her if she had any other accounts that I should know about. Any secret accounts with any services. She said
she did not. I asked her again if she was sure. Anything - Tinder? She said she didn't, but you could see she was
shrinking a bit. It's as if she could not acknowledge the truth.
* I asked her for her phone, and she gave it to me. I went to the tinder website, and selected "log in by phone".
* She stood behind me. I asked her "Are you sure you have no account". She looked uncomfortable, and mumbled something
to the effect that she did not. I started to enter her phone number, and she tried to grab the phone out of my hand. I
just held it tighter, and she gave up.
* I told her that she had agreed to give me access to her phone, and if that too was a lie, then all of this (the
boundaries) is pointless. She relented, and let me continue.
* I submitted her number and got the access code, and typed it in. Before I submitted it to log in, I asked her "Is this
going to be bad?" and she said "No, I don't use it"
* Logged in, and no messages, but one match. She had used a pseudonym, and a photo of her from earlier this year.
* I asked when she set this up, and she said "sometime around May"
* I explained that she'd just broken the boundaries we had *just set* not ten minutes ago. I asked her what she thought
of that. TBH, I think she was still unravelling, and she said that understands that she cannot be trusted, and doesn't
know herself. She said she didn;t understand what she was doing.
* She apologised, and there were more words along the lines of being ashamed, not knowing herself and so on. It started
to look like we'd got to the limit of the day, so I asked her to go and pack an overnight bag.
* At this point it was time for WS to leave. She sat and cried a little. This was the first time she had cried, having
just sat looking shocked and worried up to this point. I ignored the tears, and told her that she will be taken to her
parents house shortly, and she needs to get her stuff together.
* She got a bag together and sat down again. She asked if she could sleep in the house or even in the car, and I said
no. It's not safe for me to let you stay here.
* I called her brother and explained the situation. I said she'd be coming down and told him about what she's done. I
asked him to tell their mother.
* I called my friend, and he came and picked her up.
* I was finally alone in the house, and posted that quick update last night.
So here I am. I just phoned her to check up on whether she'd had contact from any of the NC messages, and she hadn't . I
told her to immediately send screenshots, which she did. She says she's writing me a long message, so I'm going to try
to get some food, and mybe go for a run.
I'm completely lost on next steps. What does one do? Should I meet her today, get space from her? Do something else? I
think I'm tired from the week, but I don't really want to just sleep or something. Maybe I'll mow the grass...