Newest Member: faithfulMan911

Just Found Out :
Just found out mid July

Topic is Sleeping.
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Jambomo ( Member #74853) posted at 9:51 PM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

A woman who has spent this long in an affair with someone else realistically won’t be able to give them up that easily, they will have intense feelings of loss and she will end up going back to him.

She will not want to reconcile the marriage, more like she will reconcile enough to go back to cake eating - having you both at the same time. I suspect she senses she can get that, so think about your interaction with her, and if you think you are giving her reason to hope.

Unless you want to live life in fear, playing detective, watching her on the phone and wondering if it’s him, or wondering if she’s really meeting her friends - then cut your losses and move forward with divorce. I’ve been there as both detective and moving in, am now single and the freedom from the fear of more betrayal is the best feeling of all.

posts: 240   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Scotland
id 8582352
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Stinger ( Member #74090) posted at 9:53 PM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

I must say you sound intelligent and accomplished. Sort of surprising that you were willing to tolerate no sex for 18 years, in light of your obvious success. Sounds like you have a very low sense of entitlement, although, again, that seems inconsistent with yuh our financial success.

In any case, not sure of your age, but if your cheating wife still ovulated, sounds like you are relatively young.

Dump your wife. Get good representation. You can still have a sex life with her gone. It is nuts you went 18 years.

You are fairly wealthy. You can get in shape. Finding good women should be no problem, if that is what you want.

Your wife has not been any sort of wife or lover for almost 2 decades. The denial of sex, alone, is reason to jettison her.

She, OTOH, may not be all that marketable, as I expect she will soon find out.

posts: 697   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2020
id 8582353
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Myworld247 ( New Member #75257) posted at 9:58 PM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

But do you want reconcile?

I would honestly hold off on sex as well. You can be civil right now but like you said you need your space.

Another thing I remember is that she pleaded with me for years to change and I didn’t. She said her biggest fear was that I would change but another women would get the benefit of those changes.

I honestly don't know what to say to this. I guess we need to go back to the above question. Stop looking at what happened and playing the blame game. What do you want going forward.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2020
id 8582355
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 Awoken (original poster New Member #75302) posted at 10:00 PM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

Jambomo - agreed I don’t want to play detective and never want to wonder if what she is doing is really what she told me she is doing. The mental space it takes and the residual impact to the rest of your life is too much. Just the countless hours and days it took me to finally catch her I could have spent doing other things.

Agreed with her showing her age. We are both mid to late 40’s and she is just starting peri-menopause.

Up until 6-7 years agao, she would still get carded to ensure she was over 21, so she aged very very well.

However in the last few years she is starting to show her age, but looks mid 30’s.

posts: 35   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2020
id 8582359
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 Awoken (original poster New Member #75302) posted at 10:07 PM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

Myworld247, After it came out end of July, I was full steam ahead to divorce and had lawyer lined up for first week of August.

However, something strange happened where we both were open to reconcile a few days after it came out - maybe it was Hysterical Bonding without the sex - who knows. We spent the best week we have ever had one on one in our marriage.

HOWEVER, I noticed her tilting her phone away from me in the coming weeks, and being secretive and about 1.5 weeks ago I had to get something in the car while she was in the passenger seat and she flipped her phone over as soon as I opened the door.

When we got home I questioned her about it and she said it was him texting her as he had not heard from her. She said she responded firmly and said she would call him in a few weeks and he didn’t like that answer.

When I asked her to unlock the phone so I can see the message thread to verfify it, she said she deleted it as it was negative energy.

This is when my mind changed from reconciliation to divorce as she can’t be trusted. I set up the lawyer for next week and told her I’m not sure how you can expect me to blindly trust you on this. She said I have to and I told her I can’t rebuild the trust without transparency.

posts: 35   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2020
id 8582363
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Stinger ( Member #74090) posted at 10:16 PM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

A little off topic, but Awoken brought this up.

I read a book by a women PI from Australia, who specializes in infidelity investigation. As part of her investigation, she always asked her client to describe the suspected cheater.

Invariably, the betrayed gave some glowing description of a veritable Adonis or Venus, raving about the cheater's desirability etc.

When the PI would actually see the person or get a photo, she was gobsmacked. The cheater was ordinary at best.

She hypothesized about why this kept occurring. Eventually, she concluded that, like Awoken, many of these betrayed spouses had been in dysfunctional or abusive marriage for years( denial of sex for 2 decades would seem to qualify as both). They were beaten down and had lost self respect, such that they percieved the cheater as being superior to them, especially in the looks department.

I bet none of us would be terribly impressed by your wife's appearance and alleged youthful looks, Awoken.

I have a good friend who is married to a complete narcissist woman. He goes on about how as at 65 she could pass for 40. This woman is a hag and looks older than him( especially ugly because of her abusive personality,)

posts: 697   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2020
id 8582368
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 Awoken (original poster New Member #75302) posted at 10:35 PM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

Stinger, I respectfully disagree.

She constantly gets hit on from all ages and would have had a modelling career had her parents not stepped in.

posts: 35   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2020
id 8582379
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Stinger ( Member #74090) posted at 10:57 PM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

Yeah, well I bet you are no slouch, then, if you get to the gym.

posts: 697   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2020
id 8582390
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Westway ( Member #71747) posted at 11:12 PM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

I then realized that I was resposible for all this (NOT her cheating ultimately, but everything else). I realized that since it was all my fault, I can change it and am not a victim.

That is utter horseshit. Stop protecting her with your undeserved guilt. She had two decades to divorce you properly and move on to a new marriage if you were not making the grade. Instead she did what cowards do.

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8582393
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baller20 ( Member #75093) posted at 11:43 PM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

Stinger:I read a book by a women PI from Australia, who specializes in infidelity investigation. As part of her investigation, she always asked her client to describe the suspected cheater.

Invariably, the betrayed gave some glowing description of a veritable Adonis or Venus, raving about the cheater's desirability etc.

When the PI would actually see the person or get a photo, she was gobsmacked. The cheater was ordinary at best

Very interesting, thanks for sharing. I have noticed in several stories here BH rates their WW 10/10. Could be true perhaps in some cases, but in some cases it's probably skewed and I do think some victims of infidelity have a low self-worth while putting WW on some kind of pedestal.

"Dance me through the panic till I'm gathered safely in"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsaxdFDAGik

posts: 56   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2020
id 8582412
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notanotherchance ( Member #46677) posted at 12:08 AM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

If u r going to D then you really don't need anything more from your WW & she is free to carry on her A if she choses to.

I would not blow up her world with exposure until after the D. Why expose?

To set the story straight cause u know she's going to be spreading all the bad news about AWOKEN every chance she gets.

For personal gratification. The woman screwed with your life for 2 decades, banging the POSOM refusing to have sex with you, planning, preparing & meeting up for sex romps, bad mouthing you, planning to leave if things were different with her FB, etc, etc.....

I am not saying you have to paint her as the anti-Christ just take some of the shine off her that she does not deserve.

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 6:10 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday)]

posts: 582   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2015   ·   location: Overseas
id 8582418
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scrambledbrain ( New Member #72790) posted at 12:11 AM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

My god, man. There's cheating and then there's assault on humanity, and your WW actions fall into the latter category. What she did to you is shocking, horrifying.

If I understand correctly, she denied you sex for 18 years, taking you back to your twenties. You have really been celibate for that long, because your wife wouldn't sleep with you?

She has an affair that spans two decades with a MM, who offers her the divine position of wife #2? And she considers it? And you don't recognize that her behavior towards you is despicable, hateful?

You mention that there was a multi-year break in their relations, but still you and her weren't intimate during this time. I figure there's no way in hell she was celibate for those years. No effin way,.

And she now wants to reconcile but not until she closes things off properly with this other POS who is probably bumping wives 3/4 into the 2/3 configuration.

And now your jacked, and have so much to offer to women who won't steal half your life way in the most disrespectful manner imaginable.

I almost hope this is all a fake, because if you would even consider anything beyond an icy/cordial/final separation with this evil person is simply beyond credible.

posts: 30   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2020
id 8582420
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longsadstory1952 ( Member #29048) posted at 12:22 AM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

So she is going for HB without the sex? She kisses you passionately and it gets your mind going about the possible chances of getting back to 20 years ago?

Again I ask, what is she offering that she really thinks would allow you to get past this?

Look. She is definitely mentally ill to do all this for so long. But you putting up with it for so long has fed that illness. Now she thinks that you can just let up on her, and go back to your separate bedroom, and you will get over this.

We see everything on here. One of my faves was,” why can’t we keep living as best friends raising the kids.” While she kept fucking around. That is exactly what is on the table without the kids. You keep being the celibate provider, she keeps everything you built.

As others have said, it’s time to go nuclear. Why can’t she stay with her parents? Or for that matter the wonderful guy who would not think of breaking up a marriage. You need to be shed of this deeply toxic person. Dude, it’s time. Blow this up and get her used ass out of your life.

posts: 1057   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8582425
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1985 ( Member #28171) posted at 12:46 AM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

A couple of your statements struck me. One: she doesn’t believe in counseling. Two: you have to suppress and silence your triggers and anger because they are damaging.

She is not prepared to provide ANY help to you in dealing with the devastation she caused. Wash her hands; you take care of yourself, just don’t do anything to hurt her feelings.

You would never recover in an attempt at R with a spouse that is so self centered and unconcerned about YOU. She needs to be begging to help, move mountains to help you. You think your life is hell now? It will be worse if it consists of you continuing to support her in grand style, show her love and affection, try your best to make her life grand — and what you get in return is sent to another room to cry all alone any time you have a trigger or anger because she is too unwilling to hear one word or offer even the slightest comfort and support.

And her not wanting counseling falls right into this. She doesn’t want to hear from anyone of her cruelty and doesn’t want to be told that she needs to listen, comfort, reassure and help you.

I have always been an advocate for trying to R, but right now she is not a candidate for it. She has to do 180 degree turn in attitude for there to be a chance.

File for D. See if she wakes up and makes that turnaround. If she doesn’t don’t waste any more of your life.

I hope you can find peace.

Me-BH now 70
Her-fWW now 69 Still beautiful to me
DDay: June 1985. 5 years after A ended
Still married - actually in love
2 grown kids; 5 grandkids

posts: 792   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2010   ·   location: Midwest - large city
id 8582434
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oldtruck ( Member #62540) posted at 1:29 AM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

she has been faithful to the OM for 18 years.

a paternity test is a must do ASAP.

posts: 1383   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8582460
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oldtruck ( Member #62540) posted at 1:42 AM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

WW refusing to end her PA now.

expose affair to the OW wife now

So you file and have your WW served divorce papers.

when she confronts you, you tell her that you will not share

your with another man.

once WW is served expose her to your and her families.

posts: 1383   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8582468
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oldtruck ( Member #62540) posted at 1:47 AM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

you are not using ultimatums to keep your WW. rather you

are making a stand to get out of infidelity.

posts: 1383   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8582472
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Sharkman ( Member #56818) posted at 2:14 AM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

“I’m Probably going to divorce you but if you ever talk, text or see him in person again then do is both a favor and don’t come home.m

posts: 1716   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8582484
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 3:55 AM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Brother, I have to agree with Westway and a few others.

Get those bloody ducks lined up.!

Get the AP wife name ASAP! Save yourself the worry get a impartial PI onto it.

Once the legal duck has quacked.

Bang expose to all. Tell her parents first. You don’t need her permission.

Speak to each of her five friends individually.

Tell them of her 18 years of infidelity, you don’t need her permission to do this.

If she wants a face to face with her other husband. Then legal advice and change the locks. No threats, you don’t need to tell her.

18 years of no sex and after discovery then you get to talk then a passionate kiss. That is what you get to build your rest of life with her! Nah! Fuck that!

I feel there is not much of a chance to build R with this. She is too much in love with her other husband.

Yes it will cost you $$ but just think of the joy of having a loving relationship with a woman who loves you, for you. Not a status of a ATM. Time to have her served for a D on the basis of infidelity.

Just because she is beautiful and youthful in looks, she sounds unattractive on the inside.

One day at a time.

[This message edited by Buffer at 4:19 AM, September 3rd (Thursday)]

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8582534
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Smillie ( Member #51537) posted at 6:39 AM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

The guy doesn't sound like a very good muslim. While polygamy is maybe accepted in Islam I am fairly positive that adultery is forbidden. He is a horrible person and your wife is too. I hope you can get yourself out of infidelity and away from these two forever.

[This message edited by Smillie at 12:44 AM, September 3rd (Thursday)]

posts: 470   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2016   ·   location: Scotland
id 8582577
Topic is Sleeping.
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