Newest Member: faithfulMan911

Just Found Out :
Just found out mid July

Topic is Sleeping.
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 7:58 AM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

I feel (just me), that when served with D. The business will have to go as collateral damage and fold regardless how profitable it is. She will parade her new flames in front of you, tell you how great and better they are over you.

Could you sign on for years of that extra abuse? Nah fuck that.

Darling here is the papers D. Get a job as this one is folded.

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8585153
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blacknight72 ( New Member #70410) posted at 9:30 AM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

I never post anything but I'm sorry you must leave

This woman please do her like she did you, your life will be hell if you don't remove yourself

posts: 2   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2019   ·   location: MO
id 8585161
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blacknight72 ( New Member #70410) posted at 9:30 AM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

I never post anything but I'm sorry you must leave

This woman please do her like she did you, your life will be hell if you don't remove yourself

posts: 2   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2019   ·   location: MO
id 8585162
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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 1:11 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

I reiterated for me to heal I need transparency and what i found out was traumatic. She then said how I was in the marriage before affair was traumatic to her. I said ok 2-3 years of trauma for you then affair. She said no 4-5 years I said ok then 18 years of punishment fir me and 4-5 years you.

Again, it's so hard to read your posts because she is so mean to you and you seem to try to find a reason for it. You need to detach hard 180 read and reread about it in the healing library and then just adapt. Conversations like the above are not going to get you anywhere because she isn't a rational person. Think about it... yesterday she was upset with you for not pumping her gas...????? She had the gall to act miffed after being caught in a full blown affair. She should be walking on eggshells trying to do everything she can to earn your trust and love ... instead she's angry about you not pumping her gas? or not acting affectionate??? or not taking her on vacation??? THIS IS CRAZY and you can't reason with CRAZY.

I know you don't want to make waves while you get your ducks in a row and I understand that. What I suggest is not engaging at all with her and doing a hard 180. Use conversation stoppers. I'm sorry you feel that way but I feel differently. I see things differently. Keep your answers short and to the point. Do not give into her guilt trips. You know what she is doing when she "comes onto you" she's trying to sweep the affair under the rug... while still being involved.

Also, she should not be going with you to your IC sessions. I believe she is a Nars and it will become her session about you. YOU really need these sessions. The reason she wants to go is because she is afraid of what you are going to say about her. It's not about your healing it's about her being in control...She will use these sessions to blameshift. Please get IC and please attend alone. It's hard reading your posts and seeing you question things like if you should be "pumping gas" for her while she's basically tearing your world apart.

posts: 2801   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8585206
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Westway ( Member #71747) posted at 3:00 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

There is such a thing as masochism.

Or Stockholm Syndrome.

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8585275
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 3:03 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

Does she work, now? It's not clear.

Meaning, will she want to buy you out of this house, or is that even an option?

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8585278
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Sceadugenga ( Member #74429) posted at 3:28 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

The reason she wants to go is because she is afraid of what you are going to say about her.

I'll never forget my EXWGF's indignation when, after my first IC session, I mentioned in passing that I said something about her to my therapist. "Were you also talking about me?!!" She was gone a few days later - I think she feared the therapist would tell me something to make me re-evaluate my situation (i.e. validate my suspicions about her infidelity) and the whole relationship. It's all about controlling the narrative.

posts: 274   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2020
id 8585287
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DjDjani ( New Member #69137) posted at 10:53 PM on Wednesday, September 9th, 2020

Omg,I cant believe what am I reading here? Is this realy happening? OMG? And you are still with her????

posts: 45   ·   registered: Dec. 15th, 2018   ·   location: Serbia
id 8585503
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Tempocontour ( Member #65971) posted at 3:17 PM on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

All of us is speaking from the outside. Only you know how you feel and having to deal with your WW. Did you have a pre-nup with her? Forget about a post-nup, no legal leg to stand on from what I've read. Has she suffered any consequences? Make her sleep somewhere else, not in the house. Tell everyone what she's done. Would it be hard for you to let her go? Do you love her that much to not pull the trigger to divorce her finally? Time to let her go. She's just using you now. Too bad she'll get a good chunk of change off of you if you do divorce if there isn't pre-nup. But as they, it's well worth the cost.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Northeast
id 8585796
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paboy ( Member #59482) posted at 7:27 PM on Sunday, September 13th, 2020

Awoken, How has the weekend gone so far? Any further developments?

posts: 585   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2017   ·   location: australia
id 8587101
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Talisman ( Member #75398) posted at 1:42 PM on Monday, September 14th, 2020

Awoken, I have just caught up with your thread. Do you mind saying what country you and your wife are from and what country the OM is from ?

posts: 72   ·   registered: Sep. 11th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8587299
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 Awoken (original poster New Member #75302) posted at 3:15 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

An update....Late last week I lost it on her and said I didn’t believe her dinner story on her last meetign with AP the previous week. I said I want the receipt and she said he paid. I said no problem, get me the receipt soshe texted him (even though she broke it off). He said he would get it for her and I told her DO NOT delete text messages.

She got all pissed at me went in and got other receipts fro that day and threw them at me and said they had time stamps. She did this in front of our youngest who got suspicious and asked me if he thought mom was having an affair. I had to do damage control and said no, she’s just upset as we had a fight. Kid wasn’t buying it but finally cooled it down.

Next day I get the receipt and she sends it to me. The top is cut off and there is no date or time. I tell her receipt is meaningless - she loses it.

I end up calling restaurant to speak to the owner and he says he will get me receipt.

I end up telling her I still dont trust her as she has given me nothing. She says what is it that you want?

I give her a list, access to phone, timeline etc. She says I will not give you access to phone as it is based on distrust. I said no problem decision is made then - she says what do you mean? I said I want a divorce.

She says are you sure and do you know how are lives will change if we do that? I said yep I do. And then I described how our lives will be differeng in detail - She started crying and said I knew you didn’t have what it takes to fix this - I told her she was insulting me again and then she asked if I should go see a therapist first before making my final decision. I said for what? She said if the therapist thinks and agrees with you on what you need, then I will provide them.

I said isn’t what I think enough?

She went out with a friend on Friday and I ignored her.

Needless to say, we did NOT go away anywhere on the weekend and spent the weekend together doing house things. On more than one occasion, she mentioned us building the next house as well as other future related things. We also had dinner Saturday night and had some interesting conversations. We talked about situations we were in (one of my fuckups), when we were just dating that I didn’t realize she was still holding on to and she never mentioned it before. She started crying and apologized again and said she loves me.

I also said maybe we need an open marriage? She said she can’t do that. I said you fucking him and him fucking his wife IS an open marriage and how do you reconcile this with yourself? She said she doesn’t know how she can reconcile it and hasn’t been able to. She did agree with me.

She was very affectionate as well but I made sure we didn’t take it further.

Late last week I met with lawyer and his advice had pieces that were directly opposed to advice in this thread. I mentioned some things I wanted to do and he said it would hurt my case if I did it (ie vengeance calling OMS, telling family members etc). He said I would look better to judge and even other lawyer if I controlled the urge to do that.

He recommended trying to reconcile as it would help me later if we separated, among other things. Or at least appear as if you want to.

She ended up showing me the text thread between the two of them asking him for the receipt, but the part I got upset at her for is she told him I wanted a divorce. i told her that is private between the two of us and none of his business and you shouldn;t share that. - she agreed and said she was wrong to do it. Then she drafted a text with my help ending it and telling him never to contact her again.

He was open to meet with me to set the record straight but I told her to text him and tell him there is no reason for us to meet and nothing good will come of it.

He aplogized to her in text for the “nightmare” he caused her.

Here we are Monday - she is very nice to me and on her best behaviour. Part of me wants to believe she came to her senses, but most of me still believes she is trying to preserve her way of life as it will be severely impacted if we divorce.

[This message edited by Awoken at 10:20 PM, September 14th (Monday)]

posts: 35   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2020
id 8587612
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 3:54 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

Brother always go with your legal advice. But wanting R, well

if it doesn’t fit with your plan then as he advised give it a fake try for the courts. You have a lot of hurdles to overcome. The years of no sex, yet she can have her LTA, so disrespectful.

soshe texted him (even though she broke it off).[

So she is still in contact, well so much for wanting to work on it. She should have to go NC, what part doesn’t she get to look at R. There has to be NC. On another note how can you trust a person who has done what she has done for so long? Of course there will be distrust. She may be affectionate to you but 18 years of no sex man, why do you need IC? She needs it.

I believe the children Know of her LTA. Just me.

One day at a time.

[This message edited by Buffer at 10:22 PM, September 14th (Monday)]

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8587623
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 Awoken (original poster New Member #75302) posted at 4:18 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

@buffer - it was my fault she contacted him as I had her iniatiate it to get the restaurant receipt. That was probably a mistake on my part.

She didn’t want to contact him as she had already broken it off.

posts: 35   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2020
id 8587629
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SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 4:18 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

she is trying to preserve her way of life as it will be severely impacted if we divorce.

More than likely this.

posts: 342   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8587630
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 4:26 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

Ah, ok brother sorry about that. I assumed wrong.

As SnowToArmPits said: looking after her way of life only.

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8587632
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Limboaz ( Member #59200) posted at 5:03 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

She did this in front of our youngest who got suspicious and asked me if he thought mom was having an affair. I had to do damage control and said no, she’s just upset as we had a fight.

I know you are going through hell, so I want to be gentle here, but I think it is a really bad idea to lie to your child to protect your WW.

I don't know how old he is, but you could explain it in an age appropriate way (Mom had a boyfriend for the better part of two decades). Kids are smarter than you think, and he may become resentful about this when the truth comes out.

If you are going to divorce, then you could wait until the divorce is final before telling OMS.

Don't shield your wife from the consequences of her actions, and certainly don't shield POSOM.

posts: 118   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2017   ·   location: Southwest
id 8587644
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justsayno ( New Member #75179) posted at 5:04 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

To save a marriage she gave you a receipt with the top cut off???

smh

In no way is she serious.

When I file expense reports to get reimbursed, I know that if the top is cut off the receipt it's not gonna fly.

She's worried about the impact of the divorce to her. And my belief is that she feels like you simply don't have the balls to do it. So, as she has traditionally done, she is making *you* make the decision that *she* wants. There is a certain amount of beauty to her method, but that's all it is. If she succeeds, then she'll go out on her own terms when it makes sense for her.

Regardless, at the end of the day for longer than most marriages last, she was married in spirit to someone else. And the gall of this guy offering to 'talk to you if it helps.' is just beyond belief. And her role in putting you in this position, in my view, is totally unforgivable. To me R would never be a consideration with the facts you've presented.

I get that she's attractive. And I get that many people like her. But you know her better. You know what she looks like on the inside. And there is just no getting around how ugly she is.

You can do better Awoken. Play legal's game, but prepare to branch swing at the right time. If it's good for her, it's good for you. And you know she would never give you a heads up that that was about to happen if she went that route. She just never got the chance because her kind, benevolent AP was just not available to her in that way (I say that with a certain amount of sarcasm).

As hard as it is, I recommend getting out of the emotional game or asking for proof of anything. At the end of the day, does the *five hour* 'Last Supper' really matter that much?

Tell her that you don't care about the receipt anymore. That it no longer matters. Don't say anything more or less than that. And don't get into a conversation about it or explain it. Repeat it if necessary. DO NOT GET EMOTIONAL. If she persists, just unemotionally tell her to drop it because she's not making things better.

[This message edited by justsayno at 11:42 PM, September 14th (Monday)]

posts: 29   ·   registered: Aug. 14th, 2020
id 8587645
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Sceadugenga ( Member #74429) posted at 5:44 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

We talked about situations we were in (one of my fuckups), when we were just dating that I didn’t realize she was still holding on to and she never mentioned it before.

You're being heavily manipulated. If you carry on the divorce route, be prepared to have all the tiniest "fuckups" from your history recalled and pointed out to you.

I tell her receipt is meaningless - she loses it.

She changed the manipulation channel - now it's anger.

Here we are Monday - she is very nice to me and on her best behaviour.

Another change of the channel.

Part of me wants to believe she came to her senses, but most of me still believes she is trying to preserve her way of life as it will be severely impacted if we divorce.

The more you write, the more she looks like a Cluster-B disordered (most probably narcissistic) person, trying to preserve her public and self-image. She doesn't want to let go of the illusion of a faithful and loving wife, together with the associated lifestyle. Now that the image and lifestyle are under threat, she's had a "change of heart" and she uses various ways to manipulate you into backing down on the divorce.

posts: 274   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2020
id 8587659
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Smillie ( Member #51537) posted at 6:10 AM on Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

Can't believe you are still talking to her.

[This message edited by Smillie at 12:13 AM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

posts: 470   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2016   ·   location: Scotland
id 8587668
Topic is Sleeping.
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