Newest Member: faithfulMan911

Just Found Out :
I’m still so confused

Topic is Sleeping.
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 7:34 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

I doubt you can get an annulment. You remained married for a year after the adultery, and even then, you might not have had grounds. Staying together and resuming sexual activities is typically viewed as "condonation", meaning that in legal terms, it's assumed you've forgiven the adultery.

Your best bet is to just see an attorney.

posts: 4513   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8581597
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squid ( Member #57624) posted at 7:36 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

So she wants you to stop talking about the A and continue floating her lifestyle. She also wants you to live a lie by omission to friends and family so that she can continue to cover up her lies.

What an entitled child.

It's not your job to save her. She created her mess. She needs to clean it up. Shit or get off the pot.

File. If that doesn't shake her tree then you are one step closer to getting out of that manipulative relationship. She's trying to control you. You have no shot of R if she maintains that attitude, if that's even what you want.

Be honest with yourself. Leaving would be natural consequence of her cheating. She should have thought of that. Instead she was supremely selfish and continues to be so even now.

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2582   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8581598
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 SoLongitsbeen (original poster New Member #75242) posted at 9:05 AM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

Squid, am I reading your dig right that you were with your spouse for over a year after dday? Can I ask how you coped?

posts: 14   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2020
id 8581602
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fooled13years ( Member #49028) posted at 1:52 PM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

SoLongitsbeen

Nobody knows, she said she wouldn’t be able to handle people knowing.

I seems to me that she would be much more concerned that you know.

By both of you living behind the false façade of everything is normal prevents either of you from seeking the help and support you both need.

She is 24, her family lives halfway across the country.

You might want to consider taking control of the situation by telling her family what has happened and that you will be sending her to them so that you both can get some distance from each other.

With family she may be embarrassed that they know but she may get the support she needs as you try to heal.

I removed myself from infidelity and am happy again.

posts: 1042   ·   registered: Aug. 18th, 2015
id 8581641
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Tigersrule77 ( Member #47339) posted at 2:17 PM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

SoLongitsBeen, YOU are not responsible for fixing your WW. She clearly has a LOT of issues and you are not capable of fixing them, nor is it your responsibility.

I don't normally suggest that people immediately end their M, but in your case, that is exactly what you should do. Your WW is showing you that she is not committed, she is an extremely selfish person and she is not really willing to do any work to help you or even herself.

Tell her you plan to D, and recommend she get a new job, because she ain't living off of you the rest of her life. Due to the short duration of your M, you shouldn't be on the hook for alimony. RUN. Get yourself away from this person and look for someone who will appreciate you.

posts: 1511   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8581644
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longsadstory1952 ( Member #29048) posted at 2:48 PM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

It does not look like there is anything to save here. If you are miserable now, how is it going to be next year and after that.

To be frank, she sounds a little twisted and lazy and somehow is under the impression that she is in control.

I think any reasonable person would urge you to dump her and find a life.

Do not under any circumstances buy a house, unless you want to give it to her when you split, which sounds inevitable

posts: 1057   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 5:28 PM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

“No” is a complete sentence. That’s what you need to start using. Get your power back.

Btw, you are being emotionally abused and isolated. Look it up. It’s a very unhealthy way to live.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2899   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8581720
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 SoLongitsbeen (original poster New Member #75242) posted at 6:12 PM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

Thanks again everyone.

I think I’m going to start by seeking IC for myself and telling her to get a job. Even if this really is the end I want her to be able to live and not lose all her dogs. I’m sure I’ll be posting on this site again, I appreciate everyone’s support.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2020
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Lalagirl ( Member #14576) posted at 7:15 PM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

Welcome to SI, SoLongitsbeen.

I echo the advice that's been given to you so far, but wanted to add one thing.

If she plays the suicide card again, call 911. If she is serious, she will get the help she needs; if she's playing a sick game, she won't use the suicide card again.

She sounds extremely manipulative; if you continue to allow it, it will go on forever. You can't change her, but you can change how you react to her.

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 37 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-37 & 34 11yo GS,8yo GD&6yo. GD (DD37) and 9yo GD & 4yo GD(DD34). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8624   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8581778
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Dismayed2012 ( Member #49151) posted at 11:39 PM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2020

She won't cook or clean and she's constantly spending your money shopping for crap. On top of that she's keeping you in a mental prison because she doesn't want to be alone. Hell yes, you should require her to get a fricken' job.

Realize that once she does get a job and starts getting attention from other men again she's going to spread her legs for them too. The one good thing that you have going for you is that you've hopefully lost some of your feelings for her. With that on your side, it won't hurt as much when she does the expected and cheats on you again.

The reason she's going to cheat again is because she's not dealt with her internal issues that allowed her to justify her cheating the first time. She's also had no consequences. There's been no shame from anyone because you haven't told anybody. You've additionally allowed her a vacation from work while you pay the bills. She's actually making out pretty good due to her betraying you. You've in a way incentivized her to do nothing because they are no consequences for it. Hence, no cooking, cleaning, remorse, or desire to better herself for you.

She's not a safe partner and she's not R material. The best thing you could do for her is set her free. Take care of yourself.

Infidelity sucks. Freedom rocks.

posts: 1798   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Central KY
id 8581893
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 SoLongitsbeen (original poster New Member #75242) posted at 1:21 AM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

I guess you’re right there haven’t been any consequences. She got to quit her job and stay home like she always wanted to and I still do all the housework and cooking. Makes me upset that I still feel like leaving would hurt because of how much hurt it will cause her.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2020
id 8581917
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Gibraltar ( New Member #74935) posted at 1:24 AM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

Why don't you just divorce her and end your misery? No kids, her having screwed another married with kids guy, her not working or doing any housework now, etc -- why are you still with her? You say you have your confidence back - I am not so sure about that.

posts: 15   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2020
id 8581918
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 SoLongitsbeen (original poster New Member #75242) posted at 1:54 AM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

I haven’t divorced her yet because sometimes I’m happy I guess. I feel confident in myself but the thing stopping me is that I care about her wellbeing still after all this, at the expense of myself it seems.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2020
id 8581931
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Westway ( Member #71747) posted at 3:38 PM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

We do not have kids

Then get out of there. Divorce her and move on while you can. You are in a miserable marriage married to a miserable woman. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8582111
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Westway ( Member #71747) posted at 3:39 PM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

I haven’t divorced her yet because sometimes I’m happy I guess. I feel confident in myself but the thing stopping me is that I care about her wellbeing still after all this, at the expense of myself it seems.

To hell with her well-being. She doesn't care about it, so why should you? You are severely codependent friend. If there is any way for you to get some counseling for this, please get it.

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8582112
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jb3199 ( Member #27673) posted at 4:09 PM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

but the thing stopping me is that I care about her wellbeing still after all this, at the expense of myself it seems.

I don't think that you realize how unhealthy a thought process that is. As Westway mentioned, that is codependent behavior, and is something you should address.

In the early years of my marriage, when things were going great, I always got confused when in discussions with other people....specifically about marriage....my wife would say that a marriage took WORK. I didn't get it, because I figured if you loved your spouse enough, everything will take care of itself.

As I got older, that saying made more and more sense. Each partner has to contribute equally for a good relationship. One partner can't make a relationship good on their own.....NO MATTER HOW MUCH EFFORT THEY PUT INTO IT.

Besides an emotional connection, a healthy relationship is based on mutual respect for one another. YOU DON'T HAVE THIS. YOU CAN'T MAKE HER HAVE THIS. And without it, you will continue to get more and more of the same.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3816   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8582127
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Jambomo ( Member #74853) posted at 10:30 PM on Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

I haven’t divorced her yet because sometimes I’m happy I guess. I feel confident in myself but the thing stopping me is that I care about her wellbeing still after all this, at the expense of myself it seems.

I was totally like this. He cheated yet I left my home and helped with some of the bills because I was worried about him!

I did learn that you can still care from afar and that basically until you blow things up for them and force change, everything will stay the same and that includes the cheating. No consequences = no need to modify behaviour.

Space and distance is a massive help in being able to see how life looks when you aren’t scared of finding out some new sign of betrayal. Tell her parents and send her to live with them for a bit, or her friends. She’ll be safe, looked after and you’ll get the distance that you need for a bit, until you decide what to do.

posts: 240   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Scotland
id 8582376
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 SoLongitsbeen (original poster New Member #75242) posted at 3:09 AM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

You’ve all given me a lot to think about. Thank you for your support and the hard truths too. I know I’m not thinking about this in a healthy way, and often times I’m pretty sure when I’m being manipulated by her but I let it happen anyway. I need to take some time to figure myself out.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2020
id 8582512
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 SoLongitsbeen (original poster New Member #75242) posted at 3:37 AM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Honestly everytime we argue I instantly think about divorce now. Maybe I’ve just been ignoring the truth for a long time.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2020
id 8582527
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Kaliber ( Member #74046) posted at 12:12 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Maybe I’ve just been ignoring the truth for a long time.

Exactly, you have been ignoring the truth and damaging your well-being for so long, this is not normal, normal people don't live like this, this is hell.

Brother, look around you, there are so many people that are enjoying life they way the want, don't trap your self in misery!

Your doing every thing for your marriage, might as well just live alone and enjoy your life without this garbage of a wife.

You can still care about her and help her from time to time but from far away, but you need to move on!

Your are not her doctor or therapist, you cannot fix her, she needs to fix her self and seek help, just walk away brother, you only have one shot in this world!

[This message edited by Kaliber at 6:14 AM, September 3rd (Thursday)]

You don't have a choice of being a victim, but you always have a choice of remaining one!

posts: 145   ·   registered: Mar. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Germany
id 8582660
Topic is Sleeping.
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