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Just got dumped

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GotTheShaft posted 5/4/2021 13:13 PM

Ran into them again. Was at dinner with my parents and daughters on Sunday evening, and about halfway through our meal, exGF and the guy walk in, she made contact with my younger daughter, and then they went out to the outdoor patio to sit down. We did not say hello, but she definitely saw us.

This is weird. I don't believe in coincidences. She broke up with me at the end of August, and other than the incident at the beach on Labor Day weekend, I didn't see her the rest of the year until that first Sunday in January. Since that encounter, I didn't see her until the last weekend of April, and now it's been twice in an 8 day span. What is the universe trying to tell me here?

I suppose each time I see them, it gets easier to handle, although the first encounter lasted a lot longer (we were at a table about 10ft away for over an hour in January vs. quickly passing them on my bike and quickly seeing them at the restaurant this past Sunday).

I'm kind of more surprised that I've ONLY seen ex-"Best Friend" that one time on the Sunday before Thanksgiving. He only lives 10-12 blocks away from me, and we have a lot more common friends.

I'm trying to let go an move forward, but it's harder when I keep seeing the exGF. I realize it's been over 8 months since the breakup, but I think, as another person posted on this thread, that it's the way that it ended that has me still stuck in the past. I don't want to get back together with her - I could never trust her now. I don't want to be friends with her, either. But, I want some sense of "fairness" to happen. Something to make this "right", though I don't know what that even would look like? Maybe if she were to say: "Gee, I'm sorry I ended things the way I did. I didn't want to continue to date you for whatever reason, but you deserved a more respectful ending to our relationship." I know that will most likely never happen, so I need to figure out how to get that closure/validation on my own somehow.

AngelBetrayed posted 5/4/2021 13:55 PM

Your exgf and your ex friendís choices have absolutely nothing to do with you. Nor does their behaviour. I think you need to focus on yourself and stop focusing on what might have been. Spend some time reflecting on the relationship and you will no doubt find that there were holes. Personally, I donít believe that there is only one person out there. Instead of moping around, become your best possible self so you will be ready if you meet someone. I am giving this advice and taking it as well.

GotTheShaft posted 5/4/2021 14:15 PM

Thanks AngelBetrayed! I have been working on myself quite a bit, and I have improved every aspect of my life over the past 8+ months. I agree that their choices have nothing to do with me, and everything to do with them; but those choices and behaviors have definitely affected and impacted me. They've challenged my ability to trust people once again, after I had nearly recovered from my exWW's infidelity and betrayal. And, they've triggered my sense of abandonment that was exposed after my divorce from my exWW.

I agree that there isn't necessarily just "one" person for everyone. And, that gives me hope for the future. Not all women I date (and not all of my male friends) will betray me. I just happened to get burned by the last 2 women I've fallen in love with (exWW and exGF). But, I'm gunshy once more, and probably moreso than after getting burned by exWW, because now this is twice, and because exGF knew what exWW had done to me yet she did the same thing.

AngelBetrayed posted 5/4/2021 14:44 PM

In some ways we are in the same circumstances. My first real relationship after my divorce and he left me to try things again with his ex. I feel betrayed. However, I am taking this as a sign that I should be single and plan to focus on all other aspects of my life. Itís good that you too are working on yourself. It means that you will experience personal growth.

grubs posted 5/4/2021 20:36 PM

What is the universe trying to tell me here?
I wouldn't read too much into this if I where you. Covid has shifted what's normal for all of us over the last year. As more people are fully vaxed there likely to be a shift back to more normal. This just might be what you are seeing right now with the exGF.

Anna123 posted 5/6/2021 14:17 PM

But, I want some sense of "fairness" to happen. Something to make this "right", though I don't know what that even would look like?

I need to figure out how to get that closure/validation on my own somehow.

These are the never ending wishes in SO many things in life, not just exes that left things in a mess. I just have faith that we are all on our journeys and bad behavior is not permanently rewarded. If not because of spiritual things, then because it just isn't practical to behave that way without very uncomfortable consequences.

Take care.

BetrayedGamer posted 5/6/2021 17:07 PM

I get the need for "fairness" as I am in the middle of struggling with that as well.

I think back to a time in my 20s when my car was broken into, and all my cassette tapes (yes I'm that old) were stolen. I filed a police report.

I don't know if the person was ever caught. I didn't have full coverage so never got reimbursed. Whether he/she was caught or not, doubt the police take the time to let the owner know. For a while the "unfairness" ate at me, but then as time went by I didn't care. I got new CDs (as that became a thing) and got a music collection back. Got the window fixed. Life moved on and it didn't haunt me anymore. I look back and I'm like why did I bother wasting so much emotional energy on the incident.

I know comparing a car break-in to the shit we deal with on here is not very accurate, but the point is the moving on part, eventually you won't care about the fairness, you'll only care that it's not happening in your present, just your past.

GotTheShaft posted 5/7/2021 11:16 AM

Thanks AngelBetrays, grubs, Anna, and BetrayedGamer.

Anna123, for sure! You make strong points.

BetrayedGamer, yes I get your analogy. Time heals all wounds. Sad thing is that I was just almost fully healed from my exWW's infidelity and betrayal, and then I got hit with exGF's infidelity and betrayal. All just weird.

grubs - perhaps you're right. But it's weird that of all places and times to go, she ended up at the exact same place at the exact same time. I don't believe in coincidences, so this gets my attention. Also, I find it odd that I haven't run into the ex-best friend hardly at all - just the one time on the Sunday before Thanksgiving.

Thank you all for your comments, encouragement, and insight on my post. It's been very helpful as I've navigated through this challenge.

Kintsugi posted 5/8/2021 14:28 PM

Wow. I haven't been on the site for awhile, but did chime in on this thread early on. I'm reading a great book by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, called "Exaholics - Breaking the Addiction to Ex Love." It's about human nature and our primitive need to bond and attach with other people and all the crazy stuff and battles that go on between the neocortex and limbic part of our brain.

I could have missed a lot in my absence, but It dawns on me this thread GTS is very driven by the need to keep the bond and attachment to your Ex alive. As long as this thread is alive, that relationship is "alive." Your bulldog limbic brain has been kicking your ass by convincing you to look for answers and stay connected with hope, all to the detriment of your wimpy neocortex that desperately wants to view the ex cravings as problematic.

Here's to hoping you get tired on the continued frustration of the attachment and unreturned love and grow sick of the devotion to an unworthy person to a level that makes you seek change.

[This message edited by Kintsugi at 10:21 PM, May 8th (Saturday)]

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