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Just got dumped

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TKOGA posted 10/8/2020 13:07 PM

Westway, when a person wants to end a relationship they are allowed to. She ended a relationship and no longer wants contact with the person. While painful, there isn't really anything wrong with that. What may seem like "convenient excuses" to you could have been legitimate reasons for her to want to break up.

GotTheShaft posted 10/8/2020 15:12 PM

What's weird is that we got in a minor argument two weeks before the breakup about one of her "issues" about her concern of being able to reprimand my daughters if necessary. This argument was a few days after an incident where she reprimanded my daughter, I took her side and told her she was right, and I told my daughter she was wrong. The argument resulted in a 3hr phone call where she asked if I wanted to be broken up, and I told her no. I asked if she wanted to be broken up, and she said no, and she said I had promised her 50years of marriage. I told her I stood by that promise.

The day before the breakup, I left her house at 10:30pm to go home, walk my dog, and take care of a few things before I went to bed. When I left, she told me she loved me.

While I understand Poppy, Charity, and TKOGA saying that a person is allowed to end a relationship any time they want, I agree with Westway that her actions leading up to the breakup don't align with the way the breakup happened.

And I think that my friend seemingly taking her side and alienating me is really contributing to the hurt.

My ex-girlfriend knows the pain I suffered in my divorce. What she's doing here is cruel. Does she owe me an explanation? I guess not. But it would be the decent thing to do.

As Westway said, her "reasons" are convenient "excuses", and she never even cited those reasons when she called me to break up. So, I'm left trying to put together the puzzle pieces on my own, and that's pretty cruel.

I know so many women who have broken up with guys that have treated them so poorly, yet these guys are somehow are given a second chance to try to fix things. Why don't I get that chance?

Westway posted 10/8/2020 16:30 PM

I know so many women who have broken up with guys that have treated them so poorly, yet these guys are somehow are given a second chance to try to fix things. Why don't I get that chance?

Because you didn't man. So let it go.

Suck it up, move on with your life and let her move on with hers. You could spin around in circles for the next decade trying to figure her reasons out and you won't, just like I will never figure out why my STBXWW never was able to be honest with me back when we got married about the kind of guy she was attracted to and wanted to be with. Wasn't me, and she spent two decades faking it until I caught her cheating.

Some people are just not mature enough to treat the person they love with respect. I think you lucked out by her showing you how immature she is.

Absolution posted 10/8/2020 16:45 PM

GTS I'm confused here. When your exgf called and broke up with you, what did she say specifically? You have never really stated the exact conversation. How long was the conversation? What did you say back to her? What was her response?

You, and many on this thread, are simply speculating or looking back with 20/20 hindsight.

When was the last time you spoke with your bestfriend? If he is your best friend for many decades I would go talk to him instead of assuming his motives or making him guilty by implication.

You don't need to mention your ex. "Friend, we have been close for many years but now we don't talk? What is the problem here? How have I offended you?" I think I would at least have that talk before I made any more assumptions.

GotTheShaft posted 10/8/2020 18:07 PM

The day before the breakup I shared a Facebook post about my daughter’s artwork which was filmed by a news reporter I had dated 3 dates back in 2016 after my divorce. My ex gf had met her and liked her until about a year ago when she felt this woman stepped on her toes. I had distanced myself from this woman, but this was a story about my daughter.

When ex gf called me to break up, I had spent the past 2 days at work dealing with attorneys on something that wasn’t my fault but required me to prove innocence. After work that Friday my ex gf was hanging out with her mom and said she would call me later. My business partner invited me over for a couple drinks to unwind after the crazy week.

My ex gf called and said “I feel like I haven’t been in this relationship for some time now. And the Facebook post was the last straw. I don’t want to discuss it because it doesn’t matter. I think we need to break up. I’m sorry.” I was stunned and speechless. All I said was “ok”. I wanted to let her calm down and didn’t want to have that kind of discussion after I had been drinking.

At the most, this should have been an argument or fight. Not a breakup, defriending and ghosting.

AnnieOakley posted 10/8/2020 21:12 PM

G, you posted this on 10/5.

The relationship was far from perfect prior to the breakup. In fact, I came close to breaking up with her a couple times. But I can't see any of that right now. I'm stuck focused on the idealized version of her and the relationship that really wasn't the truth.

I can’t seem to understand why this thread is helpful to you moving forward. We realize it has been difficult, but I’m thinking if you honestly look back at the relationship-was it worth saving? Based on your comments above, maybe not.

You have also said that this friend was there for you after your D to help you move on...maybe he does not want to play that role again because it was too much for him before? Is that possible? Maybe he is not taking sides, but does not want to feel like your only confidant/IC/therapist again? We all know and need to recognize that there comes a point when our friends and family may get tired or frustrated listening to us. That is indeed what you pay your IC for.

If he is happy with his new GF-that may well be his focus.

Is he handling this right? No, I don’t think so, but if I had someone in my life for 36 years...I would be reaching out to them.

GotTheShaft posted 10/8/2020 23:06 PM

Thanks Annie Oakley. You make good points. I’m getting a little better. Yesterday evening and today late afternoon/evening I actually felt calm and ok. There have been other moments today and yesterday when I felt anxious and sad, but the fact that I can see OK moments in my life is a positive sign to me.

Yes the relationship wasn’t perfect, and maybe it wasn’t worth saving. Maybe I should have broken up with her in May when I almost broke up with her? Were things perfect? The answer is no. But I loved her and was willing to ride it out. Maybe this breakup is doing me a favor so that I can move on to a more perfect relationship? But I was happy “enough” with her. I was proud to be her boyfriend. I loved her. I was willing to work through the challenges that we had, which in my opinion were mostly issues that were temporary (her kids would eventually move out either to college or into an apartment, and that would give us more alone time that we were lacking).

But maybe “good enough” wasn’t “good enough” if something better is in my future?

Westway posted 10/9/2020 09:26 AM

Like your xGF, I too am a very jealous person. And you know what? I don't apologize for it. It is who I am and not a part of my personality I want to change. But I have never really allowed my jealousy to cause me to make kneejerk reactions. Your xGF's reaction to the woman reporter seems a bit overblown. Yeah you dated this woman but it sounds like you never emotionally connected to her. So I don't get the overemotional response from your xGF.

I do think the relationship was fraught, and I think she did you a favor... just not in the nicest way.

[This message edited by Westway at 9:27 AM, October 9th (Friday)]

GotTheShaft posted 10/9/2020 12:05 PM

Westway, you're right again. While everyone tells me that this is probably "a blessing" and "it's so lucky she did this now instead of after you moved in/ got engaged/ got married/ etc.", my response has always been "wouldn't it have been even better if it never happened at all"? Problem is that it did happen, so everyone is right. This is a gift...just not the gift I wanted.

She's got her hands full with her own problems - 2 disrespectful teenage boys that she has full time, a deadbeat ex-husband that won't pay child support or alimony or even spend time with his kids, a dad deteriorating from dementia who is physically there but not mentally there, a mother who is declining while trying to take care of the dad, and a boss who constantly dumps on her at work. These problems are only going to get worse before they begin to get better, and so it's probably a good thing that I'm no longer in the middle of it all. I'm one less thing she can blame for her troubles, and her troubles are no longer my headache.

It's just taking me a while to untangle my emotions from the relationship and pull myself out of this. I know it will happen.

I think I so badly wanted this relationship to work because it was my first substantial relationship after my divorce. It helped me realize that it was possible for me to find love again. It made me realize that I could trust someone again and even want to marry someone again. For all of those reasons, the relationship was a blessing. And, for reasons that were out of my control, the relationship ultimately failed. I need to realize that, just like in the divorce, the failed relationship was not entirely my fault. But sometimes when we are abandoned and rejected, we tend to blame ourselves for the failures.

Hawke posted 10/9/2020 12:42 PM

Hi, GTS. I'm sorry you are going through a breakup. It hurts. I went through the same thing last year - the end of my first relationship post-THE breakup. My ex did it in person and gave a legit reason (he wanted to focus on his troubled teen). Was that the real reason he broke up with me? Maybe, maybe not. His teen had been having troubles for quite some time and we were doing fine. Maybe he just got bored of the relationship or saw that it wasn't going anywhere.

Even if he ended it because he was bored with the relationship or wanted something or someone else, it doesn't make me (or him) a bad person or undesirable or "not relationship material". It just means that it didn't work out between us. At the end of the day, it was broken because it no longer had two people with the same vision for it. So, it ended. In retrospect, one of the big issues was that blending our families would have been very difficult.

I've taken the year since then to: take a break from dating; focus on myself my kids and my career; develop friendships; etc. I've experienced huge personal growth as a result, re-learning what I like to do without taking someone else's preferences into account. I've given up alcohol, started a morning exercise regimen, lost 20 pounds, joined the local outdoor club for hiking, kayaking, skiing, etc. My life is so full now without a significant other. I feel like I've leveled up on every front and am thriving despite COVID and everything else going on in the world today.

This isn't the end, it's just a page in your story (a painful page). Accept the relationship has ended, forgive her and yourself for not being able to make it work, whatever the reason (it sounds like there were a number of issues in the relationship/your lives that posed difficulties). Move on and focus on yourself, your family and your friends (and figure out WTF is going on with your one friend - maybe he's been an ass; maybe he has his own crap going on and didn't realize he hurt you). There is a brilliant life ahead for you, but not if you cling to the past.

I don't know if that helps. I wish I could place you where I am now, a year down the road so you wouldn't have to go through the crappy post-breakup part, but maybe my experience will help you find peace sooner.

twicefooled posted 10/9/2020 13:42 PM

"But maybe “good enough” wasn’t “good enough” if something better is in my future?"

GTS, exactly!

I dated a perfectly nice gentleman a few years ago. It was long distance and was going to be so for a few years. He was ok with it at first, but then after a year he decided to give me an ultimatum of move there or break up. I chose to break up, even though I was sad and it was the first man I felt that I loved after leaving my marriage.

I dated a few more men over the years, but never felt like anyone measured up to him.

Then BOOM I met a man this summer that rose above every other man that I've ever been interested in. He truly is my ideal, in every way, and we are quite smitten. It's been a few months now.

The reason I tell you this is that in the back of my mind I always wondered if I made a mistake by letting the first guy go. But in hindsight, I learned a lot about myself and am in a much better mental position to give it my all with my new guy.

Keep your eye on moving forward.

GotTheShaft posted 10/9/2020 14:39 PM

Hawke and twicefooled, thank you! You do give me hope, and both of your posts resonate with me completely.

Blending families is hard. But somehow my exWW managed to blend families with POSOM. I think that makes me struggle more with the failure of this relationship.

I think you are both right that there were just too many reasons why this relationship didn't work out. I know I need to move on - it's just tough because I did feel like I failed in comparison to my exWW. Silly I know.

As you said, this is just a closed chapter of my life. Many more ahead.

Not sure I want to take a complete year off from dating, but I can maybe take a couple months off and then date casually instead of trying to jump right into something serious.

siracha posted 10/10/2020 18:47 PM

Sorry this happened to you . Sounds like it wasnt the right fit but you just didnt want to let go and the ending was inexplicable , its hard to see the forest for the trees when your heart is being broken
After maybe a few months you might want to check in with your friend he may have some advice for you - clearly he can see something that makes her behavior seem more understandable .

GotTheShaft posted 10/10/2020 19:48 PM

Thanks Siracha. I think that makes sense. Honestly as I looked back through the past few months, I think she checked out during the 6 weeks we were apart at the beginning of Covid. The relationship wasn’t the same after, and as I look back, I think she started pulling away back then, but I mistook it for her stress in dealing with her kids and her parents.

Westway posted 10/12/2020 09:44 AM

If separation was enough to cause her to lose momentum then she wasn't ever going to last for the long haul brother. She failed on the patience test. A person who is grounded and truly loves another is willing to wait for them, regardless of the situation that is separating them. How many stories do you hear of lovers who are separated for years until one can raise enough money to bring the other to where s/he is? There are hundreds of post-WWII stories of European men who migrated to America and then worked and toiled for years, alone, to bring their wives or the women they loved to America. And those women never gave up on the men they loved.

[This message edited by Westway at 9:45 AM, October 12th (Monday)]

GotTheShaft posted 10/12/2020 09:56 AM

Yesterday afternoon I felt a lot better. Still having waves of anxiety and of missing her, but I'm starting to see longer moments of feeling more like myself. It's taken me a long time to accept that the relationship is over and that she's not coming back. Sometimes, I still wish she would come back, but reality is setting in.

I spoke with a friend of mine yesterday afternoon, and he made some strong points. He's known me for years, but he never met my ex, because he lives out of town. But he has known me and my character and integrity.

First of all, he told me to stop apologizing and blaming myself for this breakup. Nothing that I did warranted the breakup - not the facebook post, and not the way I handled the situation when she reprimanded my daughter.

He next told me that when she did reprimand my daughter, I agreed with her and told her that she was right, and I told my daughter she was wrong. I did everything correctly, AND SHE STILL WAS UPSET? He asked me to consider what would happen in the future if she reprimanded my daughter(s) and I DIDN'T agree with her. Imagine what that fight would be like. I hadn't even considered that.

Then he told me that SHE clearly has issues.
- She has issues with her ex-husband being absent as a father, and the fact that she allows him to not parent, pay child support, or pay alimony is equally a poor reflection on her for allowing it, as it is on him for being a deadbeat.
- He said that the fact that her sons are extremely disrespectful towards her is also a poor reflection on her as a mom. He said that it shows that she did not model love and empathy towards them, and they have learned those traits from her. He told me that these traits do not lend well towards blending families, and I think I have to agree with him.
- He also said that she has issues with her parents that will only get worse. While her father's dementia and her mother's struggle to care for him are certainly not her fault, they are contributing to her stress and are a big burden on her mental health. Her father is only going to get worse, and unless her mother gets help, she is going to end up living with her parents and taking care of both of them.
- He told me that her behavior through this breakup shows a huge lack of integrity. She has chosen to take the "easy way out" by not having a conversation at the end of a 2-1/2 year breakup, especially since she knew how much my divorce hurt me. If she had any empathy or if she ever loved me, she would have had the difficult conversation at the end of our relationship, even if that conversation wasn't in person.
- He thinks I've dodged a huge bullet by not marrying her. He said that I'd be headed for another divorce within 5 years if I did. Sadly, I think he's right, and that's probably why I hadn't been able to move the relationship forward by blending families.

This still doesn't ease the pain of the breakup or help the fact that I miss her terribly. But it puts things into better perspective, and it's interesting how someone so far removed from the relationship can see things so clearly.

GotTheShaft posted 10/12/2020 09:58 AM

Westway, yes that's all true. I tried to send you a PM, but it says you are at your limit and can't receive any more.

Westway posted 10/12/2020 12:33 PM

GTS I cleaned up my mail so you should be able to msg me.

JadedByItAll posted 10/13/2020 02:12 AM

Your friend is a wise man. You need to internalize everything he's saying and learn to spot these red flags when sizing up a potential partner.

GotTheShaft posted 10/14/2020 07:30 AM

Getting a little better every day. I have moments where I feel good, and then waves of sadness and missing her. Yesterday afternoon I noticed she had unblocked me on Instagram. I don’t know exactly when she did that because I hadn’t looked for a while, but I think it’s interesting that I’m no longer blocked.

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