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Small Joys In Separation and Divorce

messyleslie posted 8/21/2020 02:16 AM

I am finding very small joys (which mean a lot because my life is pretty crappy right now) in doing all the things that I had compromised and done my WHs way all these years my way again.

Every time I put knifes in the dishwasher I find joy because he didn't want the knifes in there - but because I did everything that meant I have hand washed them for 11 years. I finally realized he didn't live here anymore so I have started putting them in the dishwasher and not washing them and every single time its like a jolt of an F you to him and a return to my choices and freedoms.

I have been taking my kids camping and I realized on the way home last time that we had listened to the entire new Taylor Swift twice and zero classic rock and I just was so happy. And so thankful when I put in my earbuds and listened to a political podcast that he would have hated and wouldn't have wanted to listen to - and he would have found me listening to my headphones rude.

I just cleaned my bathroom and took over his medicine cabinet with all my hair stuff and everything fits finally - its like it was always meant to just be me in there :) - ( I'm choosing to focus on this instead of that I will have to sell my house and I was cleaning to get it ready to put on the market )

What little joys have you found?

Phoenix1 posted 8/21/2020 02:37 AM

I enjoyed taking over his bathroom drawers and shelves, too! I could finally organize my things!

Those little things make me .

Anna123 posted 8/21/2020 07:13 AM

I am finding very small joys (which mean a lot because my life is pretty crappy right now) in doing all the things that I had compromised and done my WHs way all these years my way again.

After 3 years of divorce this never goes away! 100's of little things! The biggest one, is I purchased a little condo that I LOVE that is affordable, no pressure whether I can pay the taxes and maintenance. He would have NEVER approved of living in such a non-showy place in a non-snooty area. We were always on the edge financially because he was so into the 'finer' things in life. Now I can sleep at night.

Little things: No large cookie sheets in the dishwasher blocking all of the water flow (dumb-ass!). When I am my own handy-man, I clean up and sometimes it is less work than if he would have done it. When I travel, I can take my time and absorb my surroundings, instead of heading to the closest bar. The pillows don't turn yellow anymore. I don't turn bright red at least once every time I socialize when he makes some crude or inappropriate comment to be funny. I am now able to budget my finances and not feel it is all for nothing when he splurges on the next extravagant thing.

[This message edited by Anna123 at 7:13 AM, August 21st (Friday)]

The1stWife posted 8/21/2020 07:22 AM

Still married. Happily reconciled.

Stop doing his laundry and errands during the hard 180 after dday2 and false reconciliation.

That was 7 years ago.

Never resumed doing either one. He now does all the grocery shopping too.

Life is good!!!!!

99problems posted 8/21/2020 09:37 AM

Ooh, I have a big list...
1. Don't have to listen to inane top 40 music in the car
2. My laundry is folded, put away, not in a giant pile of dresses and women's clothing and not stuffed in a room so messy you can't find it
3. I can cook and purchase food that's good for me and that I like
4. Don't have to make a daily run for someone else's bad habits because they are allergic to stopping at a convenience store
5. No watching reality television. It's not allowed in my house. Or really any television besides movies
6. Can listen to whatever music I want whenever I want.
7. Can take 2 hour long bath without bitter complaining
8. Can see my friends
9. My house does not look like bed bath and beyond
10. Do not live with my worst enemy anymore
11. Can make small purchases of things I want without having to have a discussion about it
12. Won't get browbeat into taking a job I hate because I need to be more available for emotional abuse
13. Not expected to move sun, moon, and medium size mountain range on daily basis to prove love
14. Am not continually hounded by 100+ texts a day about nonsense

betrayedafter20 posted 8/21/2020 11:14 AM

Hi messyleslie,

These are my favorite posts. We are all in pain at some degree in the process so it is so nice to share the happy moments, too, because they do happen! (refer to my topic

A good day - thanks friends - we can make it :)

I think it's great you are turning the process into small joys, as you should! I love the Taylor Swift thing you mentioned - I put on music sometimes now on the weekend he would never listen to.

Some things that make me happy now:
Landscape planning the way I want the yard to look with no argument

re-arranging and sprucing up the garage (paint, shelf liner, organizational bins (he always thought this a waste of time/money)

Not having anxiety as soon as he would pull up to the house wondering what mood he was in

using the laptop whenever I want

eating cauliflower that I could never make because he hated it and the smell

looking at Pinterest for an hour without being told I'm wasting time and there's stuff to do

the dishwasher is packed correctly (ha! seems to be a common theme here..)

papers are not all over the tables

Jackets not on back of chairs

The avocado I bought for dinner tomorrow is still there when I go to use it in my recipe

the toothpaste tube is rolled, not squished

toilet paper is 'OVER' now, not under

I leave the clothes in the dryer until I get around to folding or hanging

sleeping on both sides of the bed with no hotspots

I can snore but not have trouble sleeping because of his snoring

coming and going as I please with our without the kids

Taking off for a weekend with the kids without negotiation of doing what he wants or doesn't want to do

Announcing what I am doing rather than asking permission

the more things I type here the happier I am :)

Enjoy that bathroom cabinet!

FaithFool posted 8/21/2020 12:44 PM

OMG the avocadoes. X is Mex/American and categorically refused to refrigerate a ripe avocado. I shudder to think how many were composted over the years because of that.

Avocado crime isn't allowed in my house!

crazyblindsided posted 8/21/2020 13:00 PM

I'm ecstatic that I don't need to get his approval anymore to do anything. I can go where I want to, eat where I want to, spend time at my BFFs if I want to. I LOVE this freedom so far!

Anna123 posted 8/21/2020 13:49 PM

Mine used to hate Bud Light so I only bought other brands. Now every time I buy Bud Light and I open my fridge, it's like a FU to him. Immature I know, but it gives me a chuckle every so often still. In the beginning it was especially awesome. I remember thinking if he snuck in when I wasn't home (before I was allowed to change locks), he may see that and be sad. SMH now at that thought.

Added to my joy list:

Alcohol lasts like what seems forever in my home now! I can buy it and not have it run out suddenly at unexpected times.

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