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Are WS always required to leave the Job if BS asks?
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This is my first post and I have not shared my story, but I am the WW and DDay was 9 months ago (NC since dday). My BH and I have been married 13 years together for over 20. I had a 6 week long mostly EA with some kissing. Of course like lots of other WS, I TT for a lot longer than I should have, did not confess (was caught) and made a tremendous amount of mistakes along the way (pretty sure all of them except breaking NC). But have been working very diligently on making myself a safer person for my BH. Reading and learning all I can to grow myself and lots of self reflection to figure out the hows and whys of it all. Doing everything he has asked and trying my very best to be a successful re-builder, healer and continuing to do all the work to repair the deep damage that I caused to my BH, our family (2 kids) and our lives. I am deeply regretful, remorseful and guilty for all the choices I made during that time and wish I could go back and kick myself and stop it all from happening. And have accepted all responsibility for the choices I made and my selfishness.
The problem that we are at an impass, my BH believes that I should leave my current job. He feels its unsafe. I disagree and have vowed to do everything in my power to make it a safe as I possibly can. I have changed my cell phone number, unlisted my office number, blocked my AP on email and everywhere else. I have told him I will keep my phone on me all the time, answer all texts, facetime, calls and check in as many times a day as I need to. I understand my words mean nothing, I lost that right and honestly have no leg to stand on.
But my AP and I DO NOT WORK TOGETHER. I met AP at a gas station outside of work where I would regularly get my coffee every morning before heading into work. We just happen to both work for the same large public university in our city. When I say large I mean it has over 3K employees. My AP and I happen to also work for the same umbrella department in the university which has roughly 1000 employees and is broken into several other departments. I work in Asset Management and he works for grounds. We however do not actually work with each other. I work in an office building working on a computer all day, and have been remote working from home since March, but with a recent need to start going back to the office. My AP works ground maintenance in a specific location which happens to be about a 5 minutes drive from my office. So we do not directly work with each other and our jobs are not related, never cross paths and there is a very minimal chance that I would ever run into AP while I was working. I do not go to any gas stations to get morning coffee any longer. All of that stopped very quickly after DDay. I am not even sure of he is still employed at the university because My BH had me report AP drunk driving (yeah hes a f'in loser) anonymously and they do not tell you want action was taken. My BH keeps telling me that in his eyes we work together (because we get a paycheck from the same "company") and that he is not comfortable and does not think he could handle my continued employment at the university. I understand his feelings and back in May when he brought this up to me I told him that I could not leave my job. There are several reason that I feel that this would be a terrible decision for our family. My BH has not worked since March he volunteerly quit his job (RN) and when the subject of my job came up and I asked him when he was planning to start working again he told me probably never, and he would probably just got drive a taxi for his dad and get drunk all day. So to me when we last talked about this in May, leaving my job was a definitely cannot happen and what he calls "a deal breaker" in my eyes. His words not mine. I did tell him that if I were forced to leave a job that I love, am great at, is perfect for my career (advancement opportunities) that I worked very hard for the last 15 years, has amazing benefits(I get a 50% discount on his current MS degree he is pursing), pay and flexibility I am not sure I could not hold resentment over it. I also want to mention that what I do is not your standard run of the mill work, it would be VERY difficult for me to find a similar job, with pay, benefits at a place I actually like.
Last night he says because I am not willing to even look for job after he has asked me to that it makes him feel like I am choosing my job and AP over him and our family. BH never asked me directly to leave my job, he has only said he doesn't know if he can handle it, but to him this is him asking me to leave (we have some communication issues we are working on). I explained that this is not what I am doing. I am choosing what I think is best for our family and our future. He still does not have a job (or any remaining retirement saved) and only recently has started interviewing for positions. Mind you this is the first time we have talked about this since May. And I did say that leaving my job at that time was non-negotiable. I asked him several times last night if he could please give it some time to see if it is something that can be worked out. Especially since in my eyes there is little to no possibility that I will have any contact with my AP. After all our talking last night I still feel like he is forcing me to leave my job with out even giving a chance to try and see if it can work. I also want to throw one more thing out there... My actual job location will change in about a year. We have a new building that is being renovated and will be relocated to there. This is even further away from my AP and off of campus. He just told me last night that its not the job location that is necessarily the only issue. Its that my AP knows where I work, what kind of car I drive, knows that I eventually will relocate, APW knows where I work (actually came to my office shortly after DDay) and my BH firmly believes that all my co-workers(200+ people) know all about my situation, which is not true, only a few people know, my boss and a friend who is also my coworker. He called it a "toxic" environment and our MC said that was probably not a toxic environment. I have given up so much and everything he has asked me to give up. Am I wrong for wanting to give my job situation more time? Does it make me a selfish person for wanting to be happy in my job (finally for the first time in a very long time) and doing what I think is financially and benefit wise best for my family, am I choosing my job over my BH? Do I have to lose everything I have worked very hard for because of the choices I made? Am I not allowed to have happiness too because of all those choices? How do I not hold any resentment if I end up leaving this job for this reason? I already have several other resentments I have been working very hard to let go of in regards to our marriage from years ago. I am really struggling with this situation because I feel like I would never be able to salvage my career if I leave this job, that the things it would cost are heavy and would burden our family even more.
Pippin posted 8/20/2020 15:11 PM
MC65, I’m sure sure exactly when or how, but somewhere in the first year I lost all resentments against my husband and became grateful for everything. I was grateful that he would tell me things that would help him, both for the chance to help him and that he was offering time the chance to help. If he would have asked to sell all of our stuff and live in an RV for the rest of our lives (I *hate* RVs, childhood RV trauma 
) I would have leaped at the chance. Can you find gratitude? Can you try to remove whatever fear you have of not having that job? Can you reach down and figure out what you are truly afraid of? Is it losing the one area of your life where you feel competent? Losing a connection to the AP (which is really losing a connection to a place where you felt good, probably not the actual person)? I think if you try to be honest about your fear, and grateful for the chance to help him, it will reframe this problem for you.
Darkness Falls posted 8/20/2020 15:15 PM
My (cynical, not-at-all-in-reconciliation) view is that romantic relationships can be replaced, but a career’s worth of financial security—and the years spent building that career—cannot.
Take that opinion for what it’s worth, though—I’m in a crappy marriage with someone I can’t stand to be around, so.
MrCleanSlate posted 8/20/2020 15:25 PM
MC64,
Good thing you have a Stop Sign otherwise you would get flooded by BS giving you what for.
After D-Day I ended up 'firing' one of my clients because my client was a female I had known a number of years. Nothing existed between us. I did it so as to help my BW feel a level of comfort/trust in me. Sure it cost me about 25% of my business that first year. Some stuff is just more important. My M was way more important.
It seems that communication is not happening effectively on this whole topic between you and BH. If you really want to R and fix your M then you will need to start examining these kind of issues from your BH perspective. Your post is all about you.
You are the one that fucked up. But your BH is the one that likely crawls the walls every time you go to the office. Like it or not that seems to be a trigger for him.
hikingout posted 8/20/2020 15:34 PM
Generally speaking my advice to this is always yes.
However, this is what concerns me:
My BH has not worked since March he volunteerly quit his job (RN) and when the subject of my job came up and I asked him when he was planning to start working again he told me probably never, and he would probably just got drive a taxi for his dad and get drunk all day.
I do understand your husband is on an emotional roller coaster. I am guessing he quit his job because he was in so much pain that he could not function. This is not uncommon for a BS. but, rather than making that assumption - is there anything else going on - is he an alcholic? Does he typically lack stability in his employment?
However, if you have two children certainly there has to be a plan put into place that doesn't create a precarious situation for them.
I would definitely put your resume out and see what potentially is available. Sometimes we are pushed towards other opportunities that are just as good if not better than the one we are in. I would be open to a job search. I would also ask your employer if they would consider continuing the work at home position for some time longer.
Your husband is not being arbitrary - literally you going back to work on campus is triggering him. This is not unusual. Part of him too needs to know you will choose him above all.
I definitely think you need a bigger plan so your family doesn't go into a financial ruin, and that might mean that if he wants you to leave immediately and you can not continue to work from home that he may need to go back to work so that can be transitioned.
I don't think I would go as far as to say there is not that much of a chance of crossing paths with the AP. I live 1000 miles away from the AP in my situation and I still get nervous in airports. If you live in the same town you could run into him regardless of where you work. That is not a selling point on keeping the job, but more something your husband knows and you are making things worse by saying you wouldn't cross paths on a campus in which he does maintenance. If you reported him for DUI and you think it effected his employment, maybe there would be a way to check that somehow? Your boss knows, could you ask them to check?
It still may be something he can not deal with moving forward. It's the same reason I got rid of all the clothes I wore around the time of my affair - anything that keeps reminding him or you of that time makes it harder to put it in the rear view.
And for the record, I have a very good job with a salary I would never replace in the area I live in. I would quit it in a second if it meant saving my marriage. With that said, not every marriage is worth saving, and if yours is not then you will need to support yourself somehow moving forward.
pinkpggy posted 8/20/2020 15:44 PM
Don't quit your job.
Additionally....is this relationship worth saving? Are you otherwise happy? Do you want it to work? Is he in fact getting drunk all day?
You quitting your job takes away your security blanket and it sounds like once you have nothing and no way to contribute that will be held over you as well (since you got yourself in this position in the first place).
If he was gainfully employed and was happy to support you while you looked that may be a different story.
My BH is not an alcoholic. His father is and it runs in his family though. He does however have a rare issue where he does not want to stop drinking. We had one of those unfortunate days this past Sat and it was very rough. We have only had 3 of those since dday.
Pippin: This right here is exactly how I feel.
Can you reach down and figure out what you are truly afraid of? Is it losing the one area of your life where you feel competent?
I struggle a lot with feeling confidant in my abilities/skills. I doubt myself all the time that I am good enough for what ever it is. I always thought I had good self esteem but have come to realize I actually do not. This is unfortunately a child hood issue for me. I have come to realize that and am working on it as much as I can. But I really struggle with needing validation (especially from my BH), I feel like I have finally found the work place and career where I fit exactly right. This is not just the job its self (but it is as well) but all my direct co-workers and bosses as well. They all see, understand, value, and admire my skills and personality and I feel that I have worked my entire career to get to this point. I've only been in this position for 4 years but at the University for almost 9.
That is another hard thing for me. I have been a part of the university since 1999, first as a student then as an employee.
I am very grateful for him even giving me a second chance to show him how much I do love him and our family and how much I have grown and changed just in the last 9 months. I and grateful that he still loves me even though all the shit I have put him through. I don't deserve nearly the amount of grace he has given me.
[This message edited by MC64 at 10:37 AM, August 21st (Friday)]
I am mostly happy with him, on the rare occasions that we are not having an emotional roller coaster ride. We can only get a few days in before we land back on the roller coaster. Lets say its not been the easiest 9 months. and COVID is not helping the situation any. I am extroverted so the isolation is really crushing me sometimes.
He did quit his job due to the A and not being able to deal with daily life. Mostly though because he realized he was not happy there. He did hospice care for the last year and it really was sucking all the emotion out of him. He other wise is a very dedicated RN. He worked at the hospital for almost 10 years prior. I expect him to be able to easily find a job and once he does I hope I feel different about our financial situation because right now we are close to ruin and its not good. I have already been held with the financial thing over my head prior to the A and more recently after. He feels I had never "contributed" a fair share to our bills. He has always made twice as much as me. I never felt that we shared money. Or at least that he never shared his money, but that I would always share mine, if I ever had any left to share.
I have already started looking to see what other job opportunities are out there, but even my BH has said that he understands that me finding a job, that I like with the pay and benefits in such a niche field is going to be very hard and take an extended amount of time.
We do even after 20+ years together have a very hard time communicating in ways that we both understand. Its a fundamental issue for both of us. I am glass 1/2 full he is 1/2 empty. We both acknowledge that and are trying our best to try to understand each other. Its for sure one of our bigger issues.
Also I have absolutely no fear of losing a connection with my AP. That has been gone for the last 9 months and as far as I am concerned he can get F'in bent. I would rather never see or hear from him ever again. I had hoped that my report to the university would get him fired and I really wish I could find out for sure. But because its a public university there is a public records request that would need to be filed and I have no legitimate business reason.
I have told my BH that I will continue to remote work as much as I possibly can, but I have a student worker who I have to be at the office with while she is working. She hasn't even been trained yet since she started during quarantine and we had to do all her hiring remotely.
sundance posted 8/20/2020 19:46 PM
Keep your job!
pinkpggy posted 8/20/2020 20:08 PM
What is your husband actively doing now to heal himself and make your marriage stronger? Anything?
Because I'll tell you what you probably already know. If you quit your job and go somewhere else, there are going to be men there. These men will then become an issue. Or men at another gas station, men at the gym, men in your neighborhood.
Until your husband begins to trust you again, which he may never fully do, these will always be triggers/issues.
I would not quit a stable and secure job right now.
[This message edited by pinkpggy at 8:25 PM, August 20th (Thursday)]
LifeDestroyer posted 8/20/2020 20:28 PM
My BH is not an alcoholic. His father is and it runs in his family though. He does however have a rare issue where he does not want to stop drinking.
What rare issue causes someone to not quit drinking??? Does he drink every day or just once in awhile? Does he drink to get drunk or have just a couple and stops?
If he drinks every day and always gets drunk, then he's an alcoholic. He may be a functioning alcoholic, but still an alcoholic.
[This message edited by LifeDestroyer at 8:30 PM, August 20th (Thursday)]
OLDMANSEA posted 8/21/2020 06:32 AM
Four years ago, my mom came back from the hospital with a pulmonary fibrosis diagnosis knowing she would die in my house. I was so blessed to have a nurse available to us to help us through that time. It was really hard and very emotional. I cannot imagine the toll it takes on a nurse that does that job day in and day out. He has my deepest respect for that aspect of his life.
I also can't imagine what it would be like to do that job and then have my spouse, after twenty years together, say she was cheating with someone who picked her up at the gas station. That might not be exactly what happened but that could be how he sees it. Talk about an ego killer.
And I bet he also doesn't believe, in his heart of hearts, that there was only kissing which would make it even harder for him. Both because he believes it happened and believes your still lying to him.
All that said, leaving your job is not practical, merely symbolic. Is your marriage worth it and would it hurt your overall situation more than help? I feel for you. It is a very personal call.
HEY I figured out the quotes thing!
He really isn't an alcoholic. I've lived with them before and I know. The drinking has been happening more recently and is strictly being used a coping mechanism for both of us. Its not necessarily an every day drinking but a most weeks one and he has not had a single drink since Sat. He admitted that he cannot do that again. Mostly because it got so bad I packed a bag and left for a while. Before My A was discovered I rarely drank, like literally once every 6 months and not to even close to being drunk. The rare occasions is that he just gets in to these moods and I'm not sure if its him trying to numb his feelings or what. This has happened at Thanksgiving, NYE and then this past Sat (after our Son's bday party).
BH refuses IC even though I really think he could use it. We have done MC but with our financial issues we had to stop them a few weeks ago. He reads a lot, is active in several forums similar to this one, seeks advice from online groups. He does not want to talk to family or friends about any of this even though they know. He is very private with our life and only wants me talking to groups like this as well.
I do fully believe the marriage is worth saving. We get a long great for the most part. He makes up for my weaknesses and I his. We are very opposite in so may areas but usually things just work. It for sure is not any where near perfect (even though he would tell you before the A it was) but I was unhappy and didn't know why for a few years before the A. I only knew something was "missing", but I know what it is now and I have talked to him about it. I cannot expect him to make me happy, I can only make myself happy (something I am working hard on) and I know losing my job would make it more difficult. We have a lot of communication issues we have to work on because our points of view can drastically be different.
pinkpggy: I agree with this statement: Before the A he already had issues that he would occasionally spurt out at me, regarding co-workers, soccer coaches, etc... its ten fold now.
"Because I'll tell you what you probably already know. If you quit your job and go somewhere else, there are going to be men there. These men will then become an issue. Or men at another gas station, men at the gym, men in your neighborhood."
OLDMANSEA:
"And I bet he also doesn't believe, in his heart of hearts, that there was only kissing which would make it even harder for him. Both because he believes it happened and believes your still lying to him."
Even though he tells me he believes I am not in contact with my AP what he does/says does not show me that he truly believes that. He also does not believe it stopped at kissing, he has been told over and over again by strangers that "coffee" is code for sex. I have told him everything, there are no more lies or hidden secretes. I have even offered to do a polygraph (which we cannot afford right now, but would do) just to give him an ounce of peace of mind that I have told him everything. This is a shitty and very tough situation.
[This message edited by MC64 at 8:03 AM, August 21st (Friday)]
hikingout posted 8/21/2020 08:22 AM
I can see what Pink is saying but the men at your other jobs are not your AP. If this marriage is good and worth saving then you have to negotiate a way to make this work. The job is a non-starter for your husband and literally you may be choosing between him and this job. My husband gives me no issue over other men - but he needed me completely removed from
AP. It’s not always indicative of continual problems. Sometimes it’s just about the specific man you betrayed him with.
Sit down and calmly look together at your financial situation. Discuss options. All options on the table without preferential treatment of any of them. I actually think now that some time has passed it may be healthier for him to return to work because without that he has too much time in his hands and it’s likely giving him too much time to ruminate. But it’s unreasonable to think that the two of you should have no income whatsoever.
You should abstain from alcohol. You said both of you were using it as a coping piece - it’s a depressant and you do not need that right now in getting your head right. You need to be looking for healthy forms of self care.
I also understand you would not be able to do a query about the AP’s job. But if you told your boss, who already knows what has happened “this is triggering my husband. I need to find a solution. If there is a way to extend my working at home or if I knew he no longer worked here this may help” I manage people and with covid we moved to seeing each other over zoom and also shared our computer screens. People see new options now because we have been forced to. And I also know that I have removed barriers to keep people working with me because I wanted to retain them. If you are an asset you boss might be able to provide a pathway that isn’t there without their help. I would be very open ended so you are not asking them to do something against their values, I would simply state the problem and see if they have a suggestion.
LifeDestroyer posted 8/21/2020 08:59 AM
How long can your household survive with no paycheck? Would you be ok for a little while you look for another job? Can you start looking now while still working for the university? If not, then quiting now would be absolutely ridiculous especially if he isn't working. Now, if he starts working again and his paycheck alone will do, then you should look for another job.
If you want your marriage with this man to survive and thrive, then remove this giant trigger.
scrambledbrain posted 8/21/2020 09:26 AM
MC
If you have told your H everything then I think your footing is fairly sound here. However, any combination of “there’s more” and you keeping your job is potentially tragic in terms of outcomes.
sb
pinkpggy posted 8/21/2020 10:12 AM
My thoughts are if you truly think its fixable and that it won't be held over your head or other issues with any other jobs then move forward with looking. It can't hurt. But there is no way I would out right quit. Just from things you have said in a few posts it sounds like he is not handling this well and you have no idea what the next year or two will look like. You don't want to put yourself in a position where you are destitute or reliant on him.
This is an issue he thinks he can control and that will give him peace, just like all the other triggers, but my fear for you is when you do quit, it may not make any real difference in how he feels.
You have to work on the marriage and work to see if this is something he can really heal from and if there is a future. I just worry that this one demand will turn into others. I lived like a prisoner for 3.5 years giving into all my husbands demands and it left me worse off emotionally and mentally than before the affair. You have to make choices that will help you both become and stay healthy.
hikingout:
My husband gives me no issue over other men - but he needed me completely removed from AP. It’s not always indicative of continual problems. Sometimes it’s just about the specific man you betrayed him with
I really wish this were the case for us. It unfortunately is something that he has struggled with even before my A. I feel I caused this behavior mostly. I hid a platonic friendship from him early on in our relationship. The only reason I did was because he allowed his "jealously" to be shown soon after we started dating. He has never been ok with me having any male friends. I do not have male platonic relationship due to this. And I get it I am not trustworthy. I have been "accused" of having a "thing" for other male co-workers in the past. He now is on the look out for signs of past bad behavior patterns on my part. He has been going through my messages and social media posts going back years and tearing them apart. To the point where he is attacking my character/personality because I am too nice (his words are un-assuming/naive). I am just a very friendly outgoing person. But apparently is now a "flaw" (yet something that attracted him to me) in his eyes. There was a recent situation that happened just a few weeks ago where I had an innocent very brief conversation with an old male classmate. Even though the conversation had originally taken place in 2017 he made it a big issue and blew it all pit of proportion.
We cannot go any longer without him working. He has already exhausted his retirement money and we have no savings. I do not make enough to support our family and would need to get a second job if he does not start working soon. All these financial issues are bringing up some old feelings I had from earlier on in our marriage and were struggling financially. Its causing me additional stress and we have already talked about the situation. I agree that he needs to start working even just for a distraction from all of this. he has too much time to sit around and think about all the stuff.
There is most assuredly nothing left to disclose. he has everything. There are no more lies or secrets. I have been open, honest and transparent. He has access to all my social media accounts, email, phone and messaging services. Yes I did trickle truth for way longer than I should have but I have answered all his questions, confessed to lies I told earlier on and he knows all the details.
pinkpggy:
Just from things you have said in a few posts it sounds like he is not handling this well and you have no idea what the next year or two will look like. You don't want to put yourself in a position where you are destitute or reliant on him.
Oh he has not handled it well at all. I still question weather he is in it 100%. I told him Sun after I left and finally decided to come back, that the next time I leave I'm not sure I could return. He has thrown divorce out in conversations multiple times (I have never said it), and even just a few days before he even discovered the A when I told him I was unhappy he said "ok we will divorce and I will move to Florida".
I told him Sun that I came back because I am fully committed to repair and make it work but that I still feel like he is not. That he is holding the door open with one foot out. He assures me he is not but even at our last MC session he was very ambivalent to the point our MC seemed like it may not work out. It just sucks because I do love this man with all my heart and I know he loves me because otherwise he would have just left a long time ago. I am just worried we won't be able to get past this. I know its still early and we have years to go before we can get to a better place. I know I also have a very hard time containing my shame and deep regret. I would have never thought I could be capable of having an A and it really tears me up to see the damage I caused.
I just got amazing news! My BH was just offered a job and starts in September. We just had another emotional conversation regarding my job and compromises. We have come to a compromise the he gives me 6 months at my job while I am still looking for a new one as long as he does not have to share his work schedule so that he can pop in and check in on me whenever he wants. He does not work M-F 8-5. He will also get to turn off his location services (which bothers me a ton) and I will just let it go. We will revisit the situation then and evaluate it. Now let the additional anxiety happen... I hope we can make it thorough this period.
[This message edited by MC64 at 1:40 PM, August 21st (Friday)]
hikingout posted 8/21/2020 13:50 PM
I think if it was always an issue pink is likely right. As you both get your finance straight this is something that is going to likely need a professional to help navigate.
LifeDestroyer posted 8/21/2020 14:01 PM
Is he turning his location off so that you can't see when he's on his way to your job?
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