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Divorce/Separation :
Divorced 4 months & don’t know if I’m healing

Topic is Sleeping.
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 brokenbride8 (original poster Member #69256) posted at 4:48 AM on Saturday, July 25th, 2020

Went with my sister to see an old friend today (aka someone she used to see). Found out this friend has been in contact with my ex. Also found out that my ex has been pretending like he doesn’t really know what happened & I basically left him. Completely left out the affair but brings up our Europe trip as a reason.

Backstory refresh for those who don’t know my story: A year after our wedding we went on big European trip. We talked about settling down and starting a family. After that trip I got a big travel bug and wanted to do more and hold off longer because it finally felt like we were at a point (job & financially) to “live”. Some constantly asked where the baby was or when I was “going to give him a baby”. Some praised how we were doing things the “right way” by not rushing. I was very anti kids right away because I wanted to selfishly live as husband & wife for a while. After that trip we took maybe 2 more before it all went downhill. When things exploded & I found out about the affair, he brought up how we were supposed to stop traveling and settle down to start a family after Europe and how he cashed in part of his stocks to come up with money for it. He claims to resent me for that a year later saying he “lost interest” like I made him wait soooooo long. Meanwhile he had a reminder set in his phone for me to take my birth control bc I would forget some times.

Fast forward:

Every time he tells people that, he does so in a way that makes people “understand where he’s coming from”. I even had someone ask me if I “was being selfish” with my body. We never had a serious or deep conversation about his disappointment in not having kids after Europe. He made it seem like we were on the same page and agreeable to waiting. We were only married 2 years before it ended.

He also brought up our sex life to critique me for not being adventurous enough. There’s was never anything my ex wanted that I wasn’t willing to try, but I guess I didn’t initiate enough or bring more to the table. He was my first and only so I wasn’t the most experienced, but feel that that’s something we should haven grown in together.

Today I ugly cried. The type of sobbing that comes deep from your chest. Those feels of not being enough can rushing back. I actually asked myself today if the demise of my marriage was my fault. What if I DID have kids as soon as we got married? Or researched more how to better please him and brought more fresh ideas to the table? Would any of this have happened? The affair didn’t come until year 2, so would this have stopped it?

But even still, he didn’t want counseling and completely abandoned ship. If I knew that kids right after marriage was such a non negotiable, I would’ve had them.

Sorry to rant and revisit. I’ve backslid before, but not like this. The convo today showed me how strong my triggers are.

I don’t want this to be my fault.. But what if it is?

[This message edited by brokenbride8 at 11:54 PM, July 24th (Friday)]

Me - 32
STBXWH - 32
Together 12 years / married 2 1/2
D-Day - November 2018
DIVORCED March 2020

posts: 127   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2018
id 8566348
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Phoenix1 ( Moderator #38928) posted at 5:40 AM on Saturday, July 25th, 2020

First, big hugs.

Second, be easy on yourself. Four months post D is still VERY early. You will remain on the emotional rollercoaster for a while yet. There is some conventional wisdom that it takes 2-5 years to heal, and the healing is not linear. Thus, the rollercoaster.

I don’t want this to be my fault.. But what if it is?

Repeat after me: IT IS NOT MY FAULT!!

He made a conscious choice to cheat, and it is common for unremorseful WS's to rewrite marital history to make the BS the bad guy. If he was so unhappy, why didn't he do the mature thing called "communicate?" If having kids was such a dealbreaker, why didn't he say something? Does he really expect you to be a mind reader? Did you hold a gun to his head and force him to jump into the nearest vagina? See how faulty the logic is placing the blame on you?

Don't take on the burden of his actions. He, and he alone, is responsible for his behavior.

Having said all that, you need to be prepared to likely always be held at fault in his rewritten marital history. That's what they do. Don't expect some epiphany from him and an apology. It may come down the road if he ever grows up and gets his head out of his ass, but don't expect it.

Cut ties with anyone that blames you, if they have been told the truth about his cheating. They are toxic and will only keep you mired in the "what ifs." You don't need that negativity in your life.

Feel the feels of sadness and shed the tears. Just don't take up residence in those feelings. Focus on a new chapter of your life. Start new hobbies, learn something new, resurrect old activities you put aside, exercise, etc. These will all divert your attention to positive things. Make plans for where you want to travel in the future to make new memories!

Eventually, this will fade and be placed in your rearview mirror. I promise it gets better, but it takes not only the dreaded "time," but also what you do with that time.

Hang in there, brokenbride. You'll get thru this eventually.

fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Adult Kids
Happily divorced!

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~

posts: 8992   ·   registered: Apr. 9th, 2013   ·   location: Land of Indifference
id 8566355
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traicionada ( Member #10310) posted at 8:52 AM on Saturday, July 25th, 2020

Oh, dear! The pain is real for much longer than we hope for With that said, the “what ifs” are not even worth entertaining because they will make you question every decision you ever made; think multiverse theory Be extra kind to yourself this weekend

Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

posts: 4018   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2006   ·   location: Dallas, Texas
id 8566371
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 1:32 PM on Saturday, July 25th, 2020

You are letting a truly broken and nasty person still have control over your life.

If you had children — he still could have cheated. He still would have left you.

He just would have found another excuse.

He can tell anyone whatever he wants. It’s nit true and never will be. Because enough people will smell the lies and the crap he is spewing.

It’s called rewriting the marriage history. To suit his own needs. Next he will start telling everyone you were cheating g on him! You can see where this is going.

You deserve better. And you will heal. You will thank your lucky stars someday you didn’t stay stuck in a marriage with someone who could do what he did. He’s a loser.

But you already knew that.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10519   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8566395
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k8la ( Member #38408) posted at 5:26 PM on Saturday, July 25th, 2020

I would create a message that you memorize and let it roll off your tongue as needed for yourself and others to say, "It's amazing the stories people tell themselves and others to explain away cheating, neglect and mental cruelty to someone they professed to love - whatever gives him comfort..." and then let them figure it out.

posts: 1459   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2013
id 8566465
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EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 5:44 PM on Saturday, July 25th, 2020

BB8, this is NOT your fault. Put that one on a repeating loop in your head. It's still early days, just keep nc and it will improve. Couple things tho.

1. What he says or feels or thinks about you/your marriage/divorce is no longer any of your business. He is a sad pathetic jackass and he will lie about whatever he has to. That's not on you, that's musty him being the same dipshit you left.

2. Ummm 'selfish with your body'????? Seriously?? FUCK whoever said that. YOU are allowed to do whatever the hell you please with your body and none of that is selfish. Ugh, I wanna sparta kick that dick and tell them I was just 'sharing my foot'.

You're spectacular and your ex ain't shit girl. Just breathe and keep your head high.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3138   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8566477
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DevastatedDee ( Member #59873) posted at 5:51 PM on Saturday, July 25th, 2020

BB, I was with a man who became an actual prostitute-fucking crackhead and he STILL thinks I'm the bad guy for leaving because obviously I didn't love him as much as he loved me and I didn't take the vows as seriously as he did. Hilarious. Please do not internalize anything this man is saying about you. It is absolutely typical for the cheater to find reasons that you are the one who wronged them, and it doesn't matter how dramatically they broke the marriage themselves. Facts and reality have nothing to do with anything they say after the marriage breaks up. His words are meaningless and are not a reflection on you. He is trying to cover his own ass and look like the good guy. It is nuts, but it's what almost all of them do.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4437   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8566478
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crazyblindsided ( Member #35215) posted at 6:17 PM on Saturday, July 25th, 2020

You are still healing. It took me 5 years after False R to feel some semblance of normal again. My STBX is also blaming me for ending the M. Says that I betrayed him I honestly don’t know where they come up with this crap.

I agree with the advice to let go of those who are believing his rewritten version. Like Devastated Dee says they all do it. Treat it like background noise as soon as you hear it just remember how dumb and delusional it is. I roll my eyes at it now, but it takes time. Keep focusing on YOU. You deserve happiness and to feel good.

fBS/fWS (me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:50 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 24 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8031   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8566488
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phmh ( Member #34146) posted at 6:17 PM on Saturday, July 25th, 2020

Someone who behaves like he did would have been an absolutely terrible father. I hope you realize that you dodged a bullet by not reproducing with him. He still would have cheated (and have come up with other reasons why he had to cheat, like you spent too much time with the baby and neglected him) but now you can heal and if it's what you want, find a good partner and reproduce with a good man who will be the father your kids deserve.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

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id 8566489
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 9:56 PM on Saturday, July 25th, 2020

Did you expect him to admit he is the reasons for the divorce?

That’s waaay behind his capabilities.

As others have said, it is probable he would have cheated AFTER you had kids with him because you were “neglecting” the poor wittle muffin.

Ignore everything you hear he says. It’s just a bunch of lies, excuses and justifications.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:31 PM, July 25th (Saturday)]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10519   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8566523
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siggie ( New Member #72559) posted at 1:13 AM on Thursday, July 30th, 2020

If you were to get into a time machine back to the day after the vacation and decided to start trying for kids instead of traveling and enjoying the married life do you actually think the outcome would be different? What would be different is that there would be one or more children in the mix now, you would be forced to interact with him on some level and probably you would be still fighting a divorce, except now the issue would be that you forced him to have kids while he wanted to enjoy the married life and travel. I've read your posts and you sound like a great person and a woman many men would kill to be married to, so if he completely and totally destroyed your relationship without articulating any issues to you, having kids would have made no difference in the outcome but would have made the journey slot harder.

If his issue wasn't delaying starting a family it would be that you forced kids on him, or you weren't making enough money and pulling your weight or you were making too much money and were emasculating him, now you were not adventurous enough but if you were more adventurous you would still be the problem because now you are too adventurous/demanding. I think we all know people who can and will complain about both sides of an issue, you unfortunately just happened to marry that guy and he can't take responsibility for his actions to make matters worse.

I don't think you could have done anything different to change the outcome because the cheating was his doing and because of him rather than because of you. If it wasn't her ot would have been someone else, if it wasn't the "reasons" he throws around now it would have been other reasons equally as dishonest as those he is currently pushing.

He will likely not appologise because he didn't burn the bridge with you, he nuked it...its completely gone. What I can tell you with a high confidence is that when he sees you in a few years with a husband and kids it will eat him alive, you can work on yourself and heal, find a man who deserves you and loves you, have a family and he will see that and it will kill him. He will see you and wish to God that he had not screwed up and thrown it away because he will know that someone else is going to bed beside you at night and waking up beside you in the morning, someone else is the person who you share secrets with and open yourself to. You will have kids with someone else, have vacations, family trips and fun days with someone else but him. Another man would be the one you lean on during tough times and you will be a rock for someone other than him during tough times. He will know that and he will know it's his own fault that he lost you but it is too late. All you need to do is work on yourself to heal, he on the other hand will bring the same mentality and issues that destroyed your relationship with him into his current relationship with the OW and the next one and the ones after that...

[This message edited by siggie at 7:22 PM, July 29th (Wednesday)]

posts: 3   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2020
id 8567991
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 brokenbride8 (original poster Member #69256) posted at 2:37 AM on Thursday, July 30th, 2020

@Phoenix1 – Thank you XX. I guess in my mind we’ve been separated for a year & a half, so even though the divorce was final 4 months ago, I feel like I should be further along. I pray that it doesn’t take me 5 years…especially since my biological clock is ticking I know it’s so stupid so think it could be my fault. It’s just the fact that everyone knew how much he loved kids (he was great with my niece & nephew) and friends would joke about me giving him a baby of his own. I just wonder sometimes IF it would’ve change the trajectory of things sometimes… I hate feeling like I need to defend myself every time he tells “his side of the story”. Your note to not “take up residence in those feelings” was an excellent reminder – thank you for this. I feel like SI helps give me permission to actual feel & express my feelings.

@traicionda – I know. I know. I feel like even asking myself the “what if” question puts me back and square one. It just came back with a vengeance.

@The1stWife – I wish I could know for sure that he would’ve still cheated & left IF we had kids. It annoys me that people literally say things like “well…we all know how much he loved kids.” Or “everyone knew how anti-kids you were right after marriage.” It almost feels like they are indirectly blaming me, alluding to the idea that if I wasn’t so “anti” in the beginning, maybe he wouldn’t have given up. I pray for the day where this will feel actually feel like an old chapter. I’m trying to do the “work”, but I don’t see how this trauma won’t affect me forever.

@k8la – I like this idea. I usually am slapped in the face first by the news that whomever I’m speaking to has spoken to him & secondly by what he tells them. I get so worked up and emotional because honesty & integrity are two of my top values and I feel the need to defend myself and tell the truth.

@EllieKMAS – I try. I really do…I guess I get wrapped up in trying to analyze myself & do “the work” to uncover every stone. I cringe every time I replay that question about me being selfish with my body in my head…Not to sound conceited AT ALL, but I have a really nice figure, so it makes me feel like people will actually believe that narrative and make me out to be the selfish one. Honestly, when I was married & thinking about kids, it was oddly not a big deal to me that my body would change. I’m not a model and I honestly thought my ex loved me so much that it really wouldn’t matter (stupid).

@DevastatedDee – That’s exactly what I have to work on…not internalizing things. Every once in a while, I’ll come across articles that reaffirm that it’s always BOTH parties involved in a break up no matter what we like to think or believe. That leads me to analyzing the kid thing and if THAT was my mistake or the “thing I did (or didn’t do)” that led to the demise.

@crazyblindsided – It’s so delusional! It’s like they literally repeat their own ideas about what happen so much they actually convince themselves that version is the truth.

@phmh – That’s the craziest part. He loved kids and treatment my niece & nephew like they were his kids (buying things, playing/rolling o the floor with them, etc.). They would gravitate to him more than me sometimes when seeing us! Everyone would observe this and talk about how amazing of a dad he would be. That’s what people remember, so naturally they look at me questionably. I pray that I find the man for me and have a “second chance” at starting a family.

@siggie – I go back and forth between questioning if things would have been different to THANKING GOD that I did NOT reproduce with him! I try not to, but sometimes I relive in the past to see if I can uncover or think of anything that was said that maybe he would have categorized as “communicating his needs”. I know it’s silly to do this. I almost feel like I’m digging and searching for a tangible example of where I went wrong to soften the blow. By that I mean it’s still so very hard to believe that he did everything he did when his character was so consistent for YEARS. It’s just such a mind f*ck. You are so right in that he “nuked” the bridge…perfectly put. It wasn’t even just the cheating, it was his subsequent behavior – completely irrational, nasty, vindictive, complete lack of remorse, etc. THAT’s what truly but the nail in the coffin. I admittedly fantasize sometimes about karma putting him through the ringer to the point where he truly self reflects and tries to apologize to me. My sister mentioned the same thing about him seeing me one day, married with kids and thinks it will destroy him as well. I try not to have a vengeful heart, but GOD I can’t wait for that day.

Me - 32
STBXWH - 32
Together 12 years / married 2 1/2
D-Day - November 2018
DIVORCED March 2020

posts: 127   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2018
id 8568016
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siggie ( New Member #72559) posted at 4:02 AM on Thursday, July 30th, 2020

Like I said, he will feel it and he will regret it if he isn't regretting already. I've been there and done that, in my case it wasn't cheating but it was fear of rejection, I never told her how I felt and then I joined the army and left. It was about 10 years later I saw her with her husband and son and it just about killed me,I was dealing with a lot of issues at the time but that crushed me. All I saw was a guy who could have been me, holding her, making her smile, with their child and it killed me I could have had a life with her, a great life and I let fear take it away. I couldnt go and tell her how I felt because it would not do anyone any good and in fact would cause problems. I have to live with this, I'm telling you this because with all my regrets I at least have my integrity, your ex husband on the other hand does not have his integrity intact and will regret his actions and what they cost him. The problem is that very likely you will never know about his regrets because he will never admit them to you or anyone because he knows few people will have sympathy for him. He might marry the other woman and have a family with her even if he hates everything about her just so he doesn't have to admit to anyone that he screwed up the best thing he ever had or could have.

You had a cancer in your life, it was forcibly removed, now you have to spend time healing and getting better but you will get better and you will find the man who will love you and treasure you the way you deserve you will have the family you want. On the other hand he is the cancer and he will bring that cancer into every relationship he gets into simply because he can't admit that he is or was wrong, what he did to you he will do to the OW, after all if he can cheat and throw away a good woman, he can cheat on trash until he or she has had enough and your divorce is far into the past for him to get out without admitting fault. You will likely never see the regret but I can all but guarantee that the regret will be there and it will be there for a very long time and you will be the golden standard for his women in the future, unfortunately he will end up treating them the way he treated you unless he gets his head out of his ass and works on himself.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2020
id 8568033
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siggie ( New Member #72559) posted at 4:15 AM on Thursday, July 30th, 2020

Also, if he wanted kids that bad he would have told you, and adult would tell you that he wants kids instead of travel. He didn't do that, he cheated and is using kids as an excuse why YOU made him cheat. Adults talk, married couples discuss things with their spouse. It's nothing but a lame excuse to blame you for the end of the relationship so he doesn't have to take responsibility for it.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2020
id 8568035
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jb3199 ( Member #27673) posted at 5:00 PM on Sunday, August 2nd, 2020

What if I DID have kids as soon as we got married?

Then you would be on this site in the future, betrayed, and with children.

You never possessed the power to not make him cheat. Ever.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3818   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8569259
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StillLivin ( Member #40229) posted at 6:42 PM on Sunday, August 2nd, 2020

Stop crying. He doesn't deserve your tears. If you're going to cry, do it for the right reasons. Cry because all of your plans and hopes went up in smoke because he was a con man. Cry because he wasted your time, love, and trust. Cry because you've had to start over and because he hurt you. Buy do not cry because he is giving everyone a line of horseshit and they're too stupid to smell how bad it stinks.

First, he was ok with waiting or he would have said something. Selfish people don't stay quiet when they want something their way. Second, the sex was fine. He just wanted to stick his dick in strange too. Third, if any of what he's saying had even an ounce of truth, goibg to counseling would have been HIS suggestion.

Now think. How would he sound to everyone if he told the actual truth...that he had a great wife who did everything to please him. He just wanted to have his cake and eat it to. In order to come off like he's not the bad guy, he has to make up lies that others will sympathize with. He's just lying to cover his ass.

If these people are folks you are invested in and deserve your friendship and a second chance, tell them the truth. "No, he's lying. None of what he told you is the truth. He just doesn't want anyone to know he was screwing other women. I never agreed to a one sided one marriage, so I ended the toxicity." Don't explain any further. Don't defend yourself, you didn't do anything wrong.

Go out today and do something really nice for yourself. If it's grabbing an overpriced coffee and savoring it, great. If it's purchasing something for your favorite hobby, do it. If it's taking a relaxing stroll by the beach, get out there. You have to stop beating yourself up and start uplifting and celebrating 🍾 yourself. Call a friend. Just don't let this MFer gaslight you.

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB
D: 7/2/2014

posts: 5955   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2013   ·   location: AZ
id 8569284
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StillLivin ( Member #40229) posted at 6:46 PM on Sunday, August 2nd, 2020

and... I wanted to add. Don't expect yourself to magically start healing at only 4 months. Right now is the cocooning stage. At best, you are able to just stop any further hurt from him. You will heal, but it's going to take time. Right now you are still just grieving all of your lost dreams, plans, and hopes. Don't discount how difficult getting through the grief is. At about a year, it won't hurt so much. Then you'll be able to look back and see healing progress. In the meantime, hug yourself and love yourself daily. Do one thing each day for yourself that is loving....something you would have done for him but that he doesn't deserve. Splurge a little.

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB
D: 7/2/2014

posts: 5955   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2013   ·   location: AZ
id 8569286
Topic is Sleeping.
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