It is interesting how much I have come to understand about EA's over the last few years.
During MC about a year after D-Day I sort of had a moment of clarity about a situation a few years before my A with my BW. My BW started mentioning this one young male lawyer in her firm that would come around to her office and make small talk and joke, etc. Then my BW didn't mention him to me so much, but I would see her texting and reading texts with a smile every so often. Now I was deep in my depression dealing with loss of my brother and father in recent succession and was not really 'present' in my M.
One day we were driving to our summer camp and I looked over to my wife sitting in the passenger seat with a silly grin reading a text. I asked what and who and she quickly closed her phone and said 'oh it was just a funny text from J' (the young lawyer). I said something to the effect that it seemed a bit improper for her to be 'socializing' with a junior in her firm.
Nothing more on that and J not long after left to go to a larger firm.
Fast forward a few years and our M is still on the rocks. We aren't really communicating well. Too many walls built up. I'm miserable. BW is happy to see me off doing whatever hobbies or volunteering as my black cloud is lifted from the house when I'm gone. So between that, running my own business and needing my ego kibble bowl fed I go off and start an affair.
So back to MC. My BW said she was not happy a the time either, but she did not go off and have an affair. Out of the blue I ask about what went on with J. BW admits that yes she enjoyed J's company at work, he paid attention to her, lent her a sympathetic ear, made her day a bit brighter. And yes, she was attracted to J and encouraged his attention, but she would never have crossed the line to an A with him. Even though she did in a non-physical way. And that she had other men show interest in her as well and she could easily have taken them up on their implied offers but chose not to.
Well she did have me there. I did have a PA. So I rugswept as my transgression was bigger.
We talked about it a few more times at MC. I actually stated one time that I could now see that she had an EA. My BW said maybe, but that was because she was lonely in our M at the time and she stopped it before it went any further. There is those boundaries we all talk about. I kind of felt at the time that my BW was saying that she had options if I wasn't all in for R.
Haven't really dealt with it since then. But I think it led to a better progression of our R and fixing how we are with our M moving forward. It led my BW to work on fixing how she was within our M. Maybe it was a recognition that we both needed to change to stay together.
Reading some other recent posts about EA's kind of got me thinking about this again. How many people have EA's and don't really admit it to themselves?
In my case I never processed what occurred at the time, but I guess in looking back my spidey sense that something was not right was bang on. But I was too self absorbed at the time to get what it all meant.
So many missed opportunities to deal with things before I went off and imploded a big old A bomb in our M...
Anyway, just kind of needed to put this out there. It has been on my mind for a while. Thanks.
[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 11:35 AM, July 22nd (Wednesday)]