SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey all,

I'm brand new so I'm sorry if any acronyms or things are wrong. Let me know and I'll adjust.

I took a job on a cruise ship in Aug 2019 and cheated on my partner of five years in the beginning of November. I told him on July 4. I begged for the chance to work on things but he said no, and that while he won't rule anything out in future he needs me out of the apartment and to have time to process.

I know what I did was wrong. I hate myself. I am trying to work on myself. I sent him this letter the day after (I'm sorry it's really long), and let him know that in texts I will be neutral and not initiate communication, and leave it up to him. He expressed gratitude for this.

"Husky,

I’ve said it fifty times now but I didn’t want the sun to come up this morning. I wanted to hold you as long as I could. I don’t want to get out of bed because I don’t want to face a world where I don’t get to hold you like that anymore.

I’m writing because I don’t think I said everything I wanted to last night.

All of this comes with a few facts - just in case anything I say below comes off as “well I did it because x!”:

- I love you.

- I fucked up. I did a wrong, evil thing and there is no excusing it.

- I desperately, desperately want to find a way to make this work and rebuild our trust.

- I confessed because I thought you deserved to know, not because I was trying to alleviate my own guilt.

- I’m taking steps immediately to work on it on my end.

- I love you enough that if what you don’t want is me, or if trying hurts you, I will step back.

- I don’t expect anything overnight, and I love and respect you and whatever time you need to process. If speaking to me helps, I am here. If you want distance, less contact, or for me to adjust anything about how I’m interacting with you, tell me and I will immediately adjust.

- I am going to be very deliberate and overly cautious with all my language and interactions with you. I am going to ask detailed questions about things as we move forward in an attempt to make sure your needs are being met - i.e. instead of just texting you updates, I asked permission for a single check-in tonight ahead of time so that it’s not a surprise, and to confirm that what you want is no contact throughout today. Stuff like that.

You asked last night why I did what I did. I think my answer wasn’t what it should have been. Or really I don’t think I answered the question right. You asked my “reason” and the reality is there isn’t a reason because there is no excuse. But “I don’t know” isn’t acceptable or a reason either. And I think I word vomited a series of things off the top of my head to try and explain the environment that the thing happened in (we were in a bad place, I was lonely, I was depressed, I was drinking) instead of answering the why because of confusion of phrasing. I spoke to my therapist today and she rephrased it in a way I found helpful, and better able to answer: “What are the specific roots of your wrong?”

One of the reasons I don’t like how I answered last night is that I don’t want there to be any version of this where you think what I did was due to anything you did. I explained the environment, but it’s important that you know it doesn’t have anything to do with you. You are a good, loving, kind, strong, marvelous person. The only thing you did wrong was love a bad person.

I think the problem is that I knew, deep down, that it would be a deal breaker for you, while at the same time I don’t and didn’t want to break up. I know those are two opposing things. I think I was self-sabatoging due to a fear and distrust of being loved and in something good. I love you. I think I also fear being loved. Again none of this is an excuse. What I did was evil, and in an awful way I did it because I knew I would be unable to live with myself without telling you if we were going to try and make things work. Your unwavering love, your trust, and your commitment would become unbearable because they were being directed towards someone proved unworthy of those things.

I should have told you right away. Advice from others isn’t an excuse. Again it is an explanation of environment - and I think it happened again in order for me to punish myself. It was the worst possible thing to do, early in the contract, far away from you, with no ability to see you in person. To do it when I couldn’t tell you myself face to face made it worse. I think I did it because those things combined to make me squirm longer and allow me to punish myself (deservedly) more. I couldn’t speak to you, couldn’t speak to others, couldn’t take care of myself, and I had done an evil thing. Self flagellation. I was able to finally confirm what a voice in my head had been screeching for years - that I’m not worthy of love, and that if others don’t hurt me I will eventually hurt them because I am a bad person.

You are and were my pillar. You are the person I am most able to be myself around, most able to show my insecurities and anxieties and silly sides and childish sides and sad sides and panics around. It made no sense to me that you could see all that and still possibly love me. I don’t and didn’t deserve your love and for some manic reason I had to prove that I was bad, and that I didn’t deserve it. Each time we were working on something, it was being done relatively healthily. In a weird way our relationship felt like imposter syndrome - that I was leading you on with building things well, that if I DIDN’T do something unforgivable you would go on being fooled by me and not realize that I am secretly an awful person.

I did something selfish and evil and wrong. I broke the good thing that we have been building, something that I’ve loved building and treasured having. I hurt you, and that is the biggest regret of my life. I am so sorry. You do not, now or ever, deserve to be treated the way that I treated you. I am glad Helen is angry “for you.” I am glad you called your moo. I want you to talk to others about this, and I want you to feel your feelings about it fully, including anger towards me. I do not want you to try and protect me or avoid “badmouthing” me at the expense of your healing. We have a lot of mutual friends. A lot of them are going to hate me. You expressed a dislike for that thought - it’s okay. Harming you and losing you hurts more than any of that. I honestly don’t know that the rest will even register.

I don’t believe apologizing means you can be forgiven. But I also don’t believe in making an apology without owning your sins and saying what you will do to make sure it never happens again. I’m in therapy. I’m increasing the number of sessions per week. I’m working actively with my therapist on why I did this and what the roots are. We are diving headfirst into topics I’ve been avoiding, even with therapists, even with you. You have no reason to believe me, but I have never cheated before this - not on you or any other relationship. It will never happen again. I have hit rock bottom in the look on your face last night that has made me forcibly confront the worst parts of me. I am determined to do the work to try and confront as many of those parts as humanely possible.

I respect and accept that you want us to be broken up. Know that I am committed to rebuilding anything I can with you. I love you and if I can’t be your love, I want to at least if possible be your friend and be in your life to offer you whatever support and love you will accept. Know that I want you to heal, that I will answer any questions you have honestly and will respect your needs. If you need space, and don’t want me to reach out unless you ask, I will do so. If you want a nightly check in, I will do so. If you need me and everything I own out the door tomorrow I will do so.

I love you so much. I know that I do not deserve a second chance, but if there is any part of you that is willing to try, know that I am willing to do anything to make sure that today is not the last time I get to wake up next to you. I’m not ready to be done. You make me happy. I want to be your small raccoon. I want to cuddle and kiss and love on you, sit and climb on you, play with your ears, lay on top of you when you’re sad, fall asleep together, fall asleep on you, fall asleep watching movies, go on walks in the park, go to the deli together, go grocery shopping together, go on movie night dates and go for dinners together, see you in shows and tell everyone I’m next to that I’m your girlfriend, watch you work at your desk, talk to you, listen to you, hear you forget what words are, be goofy together, spend hours in bed talking and being silly together, take train rides together, play little app games together, play chess together, love each other no matter what size/shape we are, go to the gym together, be husky and raccoon together and there’s so much I still want to do with you, that I was looking forward to doing with you. I want to hear you criticize my cooking. I want to hear your voice in my ear when you call me and walk to the train. I love hearing you talk about rehearsals, about acting, about classes. Oh my god I don’t want to think about life without you. My life isn’t happy without you in it. I’m not going to beg you to stay together every day, because I know what I did was the absolute worst thing, and because I want to respect that you know what you need. But please know that if you want to try, that what I did will never happen again, and that every day I will be actively working on myself to be the best most honest most trustworthy person you can rely on. I will be honest, I will be open, I will communicate, and I will show you every day with my actions for the rest of my life that I love trust and respect you. What I did was wrong. I really, truly believe that there is so much good here to save and still build on. It won’t be easy. I really think we can do it though. Please, please consider trying. Even before this, when things were bad and we were both admitting it, we were still fighting to work on it. I want to fight to work on this with you. I think even the way we are dealing with it now, with the hurt and anger and fear but communication and directness and respect we are proving that we have the tools to communicate honestly and combat this. If you believe that I am sorry, and that I will never do this again, and that I will put in the work to ensure those things, I think we have the basics. If this is the straw on top of a million other things, and you are just finished, I respect that. But if it is this, and this alone that has shattered you - please, please consider us working on it. I need you and love you and want to prove it to you. I fucked up hugely in many ways. I will do anything to try and move forward to rebuild slowly.

I want you, and I want you enough to whack myself every day into the person you could lean on. And that is true regardless of whether we are together. You are my standard for the kind of person I want. You are the love of my life.

I hurt you. I love you. I am so sorry.

I’m always yours,

x"

I miss him so much. I have moved out. It'll be two weeks on the 18th. I have cried all day every day since I told him. I am not sleeping and miss him. He hasn't messaged me. I hate that, but I'm not going to do anything to disrespect the boundaries he's putting up.

I really need advice. I have been talking to my therapist, and she has brought up that she wants me evaluated for Bipolar II. I'm scared and shocked, but after going through the whys I'm sad to say it makes a lot of sense. I was dealing with a lot of frantic mood shifts for the past few years, and some really heavy depressive episodes. I don't think it excuses my action at all, but I do think it might provide some context. He's the only person I want to talk to about it. I'm so scared, they're talking about mood stabilizers. I'll be compliant with whatever is prescribed, something has been really wrong for a long time and I am definitely at rock bottom.

I get evaluated on Tuesday. I guess I'm wondering what I do if they say I have it and I need meds and he's still not talking to me. Would it be helpful for him to know? It's a bad illness, maybe it would be helpful for him having closure knowing he wouldn't want to be with someone with a bad illness like that? Or at least he can go "she's fucking insane" and feel distance? I just want to cry and cuddle with him and figure this out and I can't and it's killing me.

Please, if you have any advice I could really use it.

The letter,and most of your post, is all about you. How you feel. What you are losing. There were so many "I's" in the letter, I lost count.

The letter would have been better,had you told him you were sorry, and listed all the things you were doing to become a safe partner for him. Then,told him all the ways in which you knew he was hurting, and empathize.

I suggest you read the jfo forum, and get a feel on what this has done to him.

Hi FUM,

Sorry you're here. Wanted to chime in on diagnosis. I was struggling too with heavy depression off and on all my life (especially post partum- keep that in mind for when kids come along, prior disposition to depression makes you 1000x more likely to develop post partum!). Lately I've been put on zoloft, lamotrigine and focalin for my depression, anxiety and ADD. I used to be medication adverse (combination of pride and shame over mental health diagnosis). My sister helped me with that (she's a drug rep and is in and out of healthcare facilities all the time). She said having a brain chemistry imbalance is like diabetes. You can only do so much with lifestyle changes (I had been sleeping/eating/exercising well). After a while, if you don't get the medical and therapeutic help you need, you're going to crash. No shame, it's biologically based like diabetes (not from insulin deregulation, but you get the point?).

Anyhow, do your moods fluctuate within 24 hour cycles (heavy swings in one day?) or are they more up 5-10days and down months on end? I'm asking because people with borderline personality disorder get misdiagnosed with bipolar frequently. It's like your moods are a pendulum- normal moods stay in a low swing, low speed state. Borderline people are on a high swing, fast speed state. Bi polar people tend to have similar high swings, but the pendulum gets stuck on one side or the other for extended periods of time.

I'm not a psychiatrist, but I'm friends with one now? And I youtube a lot . I would look up Dr Ramani on youtube and get her stuff on borderline personality disorder. She interviews a young woman who was misdiagnosed with bipolar for years and the effects it had on her. Borderline people have MAJOR anxiety over abandonment/rejection. They differ from narcissists in that they see there's a problem with how they relate to people and generally show up for treatment without a lot of coercion. It's like they want to be normal, but don't know how to get there. Narcissists deny they're not normal. Bipolar people tend to get stuck in a mood state mostly due to their brain chemistry and neural network development and do need the meds to stabilize to make up for their less developed neural networks. Kind of like ADD folks (like me) need the ritalin to make up for their underdeveloped frontal cortex (ie: executive functioning).

All this to say, I'm not a psych, but I've been around this block a few times. Could be you're dealing with situational anxieties, FOO trauma unresolved and comorbid depression.

It's a lot of fun- good luck! And... talk to a real doc?

Annd another thing- the BS on the forum are going to give you the 2x4's to address your thinking and how it isn't either a: reflective of reality and b: is self centered and self serving. They're trying to knock you out of the fog and get you to see things from your BS perspective. It's not going to be comfortable or easy, but if you can take their advice from a non-shame perspective (ie: you did something stupid, not you ARE stupid), it can help you change your mental framework and get you back on track.

First things first- take care of your physical and mental health. You're not going to be able to heal your BF if you don't first put in the work on yourself to understand how you got here in the first place and how your thinking got so screwed up to allow yourself the affair. Take care of you, get mentally and physically healthy, then you'll have the energy to do the work you need to do to help your BF heal. Otherwise, you'll likely be doing what I did- lashing out and trying to blindly patch things up. Kinda like having a car mechanic try brain surgery- they may want to fix the problem, but have no education in how to do it.

one more and then I'll stop.

Read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda Macdonald.

Of course there were alot of "I" in FUM's letter. She was spilling her guts about what "she did" and how "she was feeling", to me that is understandable as a first letter.

The next letter can be about how she will try to help him heal. And how she will work to try to make them, them again.

But that may not be possible. Your action has caused him to question everything about your relationship. How long did your affair last on the ship? Was it long term or a drunken ONS. His no contact for 2 weeks is him protecting himself from more pain, or an indication that he will not accept what you did and has no interest in working things out.

He may want you to tell him how you will fix this, or he may not want to hear from you at all. It's tough...did he tell you not to contact him? He seem like he is not contacting you.

You have known about your affair of 8 or 9 months and have time to process it in your head, he just found out that you cheated and his life is forever changed.

There is a thread by "LifeDestroyer" I was going to recommend you read, but the really long one about her regretting cheating is gone. It should be read by anyone before they decide to have an affair.

To Hellfire: Thank you for the advice. I had actually thought I was using "I" too much, but my worry was that I didn't want to presume how he was feeling or come off as telling him how he felt. I tried to make it about what work I'm putting in going forward - with therapy, and with wanting to work on tackling the lack of self worth. I appreciate your advice. I'm going to read the thread you suggested.

To MIGander: That's all really comprehensive - thank you for the mental health advice. I'm seeing a therapist right now, we're working on the roots of some childhood abuse/abandonment/trauma, and I am seeing a psychiatrist Tuesday to be evaluated for BPD II. I'll ask about borderline personality disorder. For what it's worth, I learned recently that my dad had BPD II and was successfully medicated for it. I wish I had known sooner and known to look out for its symptoms. Thank you especially for the point on people with 2x4s - I am very much looking for any and all advice. I will not get defensive or toss away advice just because it seems harsh - I did a bad and harsh thing. I want to work on fixing things to the best of my ability, even if that means talking about things I don't like or trying meds. Even if he doesn't want anything to do with me, I want to make sure going forward that I never do anything like this ever again. I hate that I hurt him because I love him. I don't want to hurt anyone else I love. Thank you very much for your help. I'm going to order that book tomorrow.

To MickeyBill2016: I'm hoping that I get the chance to write another letter now that I've been working with my therapist more, and dig in to what I want to do to prove to him that I want his healing and rebuilding our trust to be a priority. It was a ONS - he didn't ask me any information about it. He had warned me that he would want to go no contact for a while and would initiate contact once he felt ready and had processed, it's just hurting so much (though of course I will honor it) and I'm facing some scary things with this bipolar stuff that I want to talk to him about so badly. I'm very aware that I'm the one who had time to process this and that it is brand new to him. He was extremely gracious and said while he was angry I waited, he did understand why I thought it would be better face to face and that he could see why it was hard to tell him. He also said thank you for telling him. He's a very good person. I hate myself for hurting him. Are there any threads or books you recommend I read?

Are you sure it was a ONS? How did it start? Was it a co-worker who you had a relationship with or a random?

So many stories here start off with "we only met once" and it turns out to be 6 month affair. Honesty now will save pain later.

Does your partner have anyone to talk to, friend or sister or brother?

He is going thru a very hard time now ping ponging back from hating to loving you, wanting to run or stay and probably, like most betrayed blaming himself.

If it seems too long and he has not contacted you, I'd suggest that you reach out to him in a way that let's him know you are waiting for him to open up on his schedule. Not a long letter, just a hey, "I'm here when you want to talk".

Good that you told him. and Good luck to the both of you.

Ball is in his court. I would leave him be now that you have said your piece. For many fine, forgiving people, this is a dealbreaker. The trauma is just too great and trust can never be restored in many cases. It is out of your hands.

I am a BS and personally, if my WH had written what you wrote, I would have been much happier than I was at the time. As a BS, one of the things we (most of us) want to know is WTF is going on my my WS/WPs' (wayward partner) HEAD. I would have LOVED if my WH had taken the time to write down something (he did eventually, but it took a year), anything, to give me some insight into him.

I am only telling you that as I know you will get a bunch of "your letter is all about you" comments, and 1) it wasn't - there was a lot in there about your BP and how you were trying to respect their needs, and how the A was not about them, and 2) it should be about you because you did this - a window into your head is helpful for a million reasons. If you had avoided you, your feelings, your thoughts, with exception to your BS, it would have seemed super suspect to me.

So that's it - from the perspective of one BS anyway.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 10:43 AM, July 16th (Thursday)]

FUM,

You wrote out a heartfelt letter to your partner which is good.

Maybe it is just your choice of words, but it seems that you hardly mention the actual A. Was it a ONS really? On a cruise ship with the AP for several months so the affair likely developed over some time.

Why did you cheat? That is the hard question to answer and it takes many of us WS months or even years of hard work to get to the real reasons.

As for the Bi-Polar - that is a condition that can be managed. Yeah BP can lead to all sorts of moods and behaviours, but tht is within your ability to get under control with counselling, meds and support.

No stop sign

I'm a BW and I read your entire post. Unlike the previous BS I wouldn't be too impressed to receive your letter. It's a lot of nice words but I kept waiting for anything of substance and honestly got nothing

Something about the affair, what happened, why it happened, what work you've been doing.

Instead it's very surface. You need to dig deep. It's going to be uncomfortable with no guarantee you'll get your partner back but you have to realise the work is for you alone.

Keep working towards your diagnosis and get any meds you need. Be positive about it, once you know the issue you can deal with it going forward.

No stop sign.

I do think the responses are overall a bit harsh to the OP. As far as using the first-person singular pronoun OP, I in the position of your BH would really be wondering "why" and you are making an attempt to answer that, while not blame-shifting. That requires heavy use of "I", "me", "myself", etc. on your part.

No doubt you will find out a bit more as you do more digging though but it will take time to get to that point.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 7:07 PM, July 16th (Thursday)]

To MickeyBill2016: I am sure it was a ONS. I’d rather not go into details here - I promise I’m not avoiding, it’s just that he hadn’t asked for any details (he said he didn’t want to know) and until I tell him I don’t want anything on the internet if that makes sense. He has lots of people to talk to, family and very close friends, and he has been talking to them and processing with them. I’ve been checking in through a mutual friend to make sure he’s taking care of himself. That mutual friend did confirm something for me which has been a total relief - that he does not blame himself for the affair. It’s been the one good thing I’m clinging to. He did say it was because I made it clear in the letter, and when I told him, that it was not his fault. Thank you very much for your advice and good wishes. Do you have any thoughts on the bipolar bits? Do you think he would want to know, if I get diagnosed with it?

To Stinger: Thank you for the advice and for not bullshitting me. I promise I’m going to respect the boundaries he’s putting up. I want him to feel like he can safely process his feelings and his hurt without being interrupted by me. Because of that though, I’m not sure what the best thing to do with the bipolar thing is - in your mind, would this be something that could help him process? Like would you want to know? Or is it irrelevant?

To ThisIsSoLonely: Thank you. You response made me cry. I’m so sorry someone hurt you. I really wasn’t trying to make the letter all about me, I was trying to make it clear that all the wrong is on me, if that makes sense, and that I want him to know that whatever he needs I am here for.

To MrCleanSlate: When I told him, I told him that I would answer any questions he had honestly and give him every detail if he wanted it. He said he didn’t want to know any details about the affair, which is why I didn’t mention it in the letter - I wanted to respect his wishes and not force information on him. It really was a ONS. Contracts on cruise ships aren’t all at the same time - they are constantly running, crew members get on and off at different points in time. The ONS happened right before this person left. We are not in contact. It was a spur of the moment thing (which does not take away any of my responsibility or ownership - I chose the bad thing). I’m working on the “why” thing with my therapist. We’re hitting a bunch of stuff from childhood abuse that I’ve been avoiding for a long time. Unfortunately a lot of it is resonating. I’m not trying to shirk the hard work though. Thanks for the words of hope with the bipolar stuff. I really, really hate the idea of having it, but if I do have it I am going to be compliant with meds/therapy - it’s the only chance I have to make things better with him, fixing things that are wrong with me. Can I ask whether you think he would want to know about the BPD?

To Carissima: Thank you for your advice. I hope this doesn’t come off as an excuse - I did avoid details about the affair as he had told me he didn’t want to know anything. I didn’t feel that forcing that information on him through the letter would be respectful of his wishes. I know the amount of work I mentioned seemed small, but for what it’s worth I sent this to him less than 24 hours after I confessed to him - I had doubled my therapy sessions, but hadn’t yet had the chance to dig in fully beyond ordering books and soul searching. Thank you for the advice on digging deep. I’m going to try for that. And thank you for not bullshitting me, I know I could work on everything wrong with me and he could still not want me. Thanks for the words of hope at the end. I’m going to be very compliant with anything if there’s a diagnosis. This is my rock bottom, I don’t want things to get worse.

To WontBeFooledAgain: Thanks for your thoughts - I think it’s good to hear from everyone, but my honest intent with the letter was not to be self-obsessed, and the main reason for writing it was that I was afraid I hadn’t answered the “why” question fully to the best of my ability when we were speaking in person. I’m working hard with my therapist - just got out of a morning session that I deeply disliked (“you have been pushing down trauma from childhood abuse for years and coping but not thriving!”) but am aware was good for me long-term. I’m hoping to have the opportunity to speak to him more in person someday soon, or at least to get to write him another letter after more therapy. I hate this silence from him but I know I deserve it. Can I ask what your thoughts are on the bipolar bit? I’m genuinely conflicted as to whether he would want to know or not. I’m not going to break the boundaries he’s putting up - that would be very wrong and disrespectful of his feelings - but I can’t tell if he would want to know about a bipolar diagnosis.

FUM,

I wonder whether you are trying to put the ONS onto being Bipolar? Why else would you think it relevant to tell your partner at this moment?

I would think that any BP issues have been evident for months, if not years. So I would bet your partner already knows you may be impulsive or blah, or whatever at any given time.

My son is BP. It's been a journey these last couple years between suicidal thoughts, manic episodes, depression, etc. It's taken time to get him the right diagnosis and the help he need and last 6 months just working on getting his med cocktail right. When he is taking his meds regular things are pretty good. Then he goes out partying and falls of his med routine and back we go. He is growing into being responsible (he's 20 now). He takes his mental health seriously for someone his age.

Look at it this way - BP can be managed. That is way better than having a progressively debilitating condition. Lots of people learn to use their BP to their advantage.

You need to work on fixing yourself. It sounds like aside from mental health issues you are digging into some of your background and whys. That is a good start. It will take time to really come to grips with much of that.

Bs here and my first time responding here in the Wayward Side.

I would not recommend you tell him about your possible BPD II, for a couple of reasons.

1. He told you he wanted to go NC. Honor his wishes. I would find it extremely selfish if XWS did not honor that. Better yet, I was really upset when WXBF did not honor my boundary regarding contact (no relationship talk) and it just comfirmed that he has poor boundaries and he only cares about himself and woe is me.

2. It's unfair to him. He most likely still cares about you. You telling him this would make him want to be there for you or would make him feel like he has to. This is added trauma. I am speaking from experience. WEXBF texted me to tell me about a diagnosis he got and it messed with my head. I spent 4 days crying, fretting, ruminating, while I was doing quite good before. This time should be about him processing, not worrying or feeling sorry for you. Call your friends and talk to them. Post here. But leave him alone.

3. You are not even sure yet that you have it. Nothing worse than breaking NC, telling him, have him worry/ruminate and then later finding out it isn't even the case. This is also what happened wirh my wexbf, it turned out to not be cancer at all. It was a very innocent auto-immune disease. I spent 4 days in absolute hell, as the betrayed ex-girlfriend taking care of my wexbf. I really wish he hadn't told me. I understand why he did, he needed me and it's so selfish again! I like to think of it as this: my mom usually doesn't tell me any bad news of diagnosis or whatever untill she knows for sure. She doesn't want to cause us kids unnecessary pain. While you may or may not agree with that, she really does it from a non-selfish place.

4. You seem to think it might help him process. Why do you think so? Because knowing that you *might* have BPD, he *might* be able to make sense of the cheating? There's no making sense. You didn't cheat because you're bipolar, enough people have bpd without cheating, unless I have missed some groundbreaking research that points to BPD as the cause to cheating.

So not only will you 1. Break NC, 2. you will cause him extra worry, about 3. Something you don't know for sure that 4. Will not really help him process.

Thats just my 2 cents.

To MrCleanSlate: I’m trying really hard to not think of the possible bipolar as an excuse for me choosing an awful thing. I don’t want him to think of it that way either. And I re-read the full thread, I’m sorry the poor communication was entirely on my end - I’m only thinking about telling him 1) if I am diagnosed with it (I get formally evaluated on Tuesday) and 2) once he starts contacting me again. I’m so sorry for not laying that out better, I haven’t been sleeping and I have been talking about this with both my therapist, mom, and two friends - I think in the haze I presumed I had added context where I hadn’t. He had made it clear that once he begins contact again, it will be as friends - that if we are able to be friends, “then who knows.” I’m sort of pre-freaking out about the BPD and wondering what green flags are for telling him once we are in contact again. I have no intention of breaking the no-contact thing, I’m more wondering if it is even relevant to tell him once we are speaking again. I don’t want it to be an excuse at all, but at the same time I know that it’s a bad illness and I wonder if it’s an automatic “ah, I couldn’t date someone with that, so that helps give closure on not wanting to date her” thing. I’m trying not to pre-diagnose, but at the same time it has genetic components, my dad had it, and I unfortunately think a lot of the symptoms fit that my therapist brought up. So with it being a real possibility I’m trying to think ahead as to telling him/not telling him. Also, what if I’m on crazy weird meds when he decides to re-initiate contact, and I’m not acting like me? Would he deserve to know that he’s trying to talk when I might not be in the best place, or might not be capable of functioning fully? Does that make sense? Thank you for sharing the info on your son. I’m sorry that it’s been such a long journey but I’m glad (and hopeful) to hear that it can be managed well.

To Hedwig: I really like your username. Thank you so much for your detailed advice, I always like lists. Your comment is what made me realize I hadn’t communicated my questions well in my original post - see my answer to MrCleanSlate above. I have no intention of breaking his silence, I am wondering when the time (if ever) when he begins to talk to me again is to tell him, if that makes sense. I also have no intention of sharing anything with people beyond my mom/therapist/best friend until a formal diagnosis is made. I’m torn because while I see possible BPD as no excuse for what I did, I can see how it could be a deal breaker for some people and wonder if that would help him move on - like “ah she’s crazy, BPD isn’t for me, I can move on fully.” I don’t think BPD is at all an excuse for cheating. I chose, actively, to do the wrong thing. There’s no excuse for that. What I think is that it might help him know that all the wrong things, crazy things, and bad things are entirely on me - that all the wrong and inappropriate stuff is on my end. Thank you so so so much for your detailed response. I’m really sorry you were treated that way by your ex, it is exactly why I am asking for advice instead of running to him crying (there’s a scared little kid inside me that just wants to run over to him, tell him all the scary BPD stuff, and cry on him - I’m not going to do that because it’s not right, but I guess I’m saying I understand the root of those selfish feelings, though of course your ex should not have acted on them). Maybe it’s me showing my feelings on mental illness, but I feel like if I do have it then he deserves to know that his ex was crazy? And there’s an element where I’m scared that if I’m diagnosed (not trying to pre-diagnose, but my therapist was honest in her certainty that I had it, especially as my dad had it) and put on heavy duty meds, that I’m going to be “off” and adjusting and that as he’s talking to me I might not be my best self. Not that I’d break NC or say awful things, just that I might be slower to respond or not as loquacious and he could take that and internalize it, which is the last thing I’d want him to do when everything is my fault in the first place. I’m sorry if that’s too much of a ramble, I haven’t been sleeping - does that make any sense? Again thank you for making such a strong argument against breaking his boundaries, I hear you loud and clear and apologize for not making my questions more detailed with context.

I wonder whether you are trying to put the ONS onto being Bipolar? Why else would you think it relevant to tell your partner at this moment?

I had the same thought.

And I agree - respect his boundary. Unless you get a dx that you have a terminal illness and a week to live, respect his boundary.

I will let others go into the BP aspect of the situation as I don't know enough to offer much input other than I dated a girl who was BP. Wonderful then she was on her med, impossible when she was off.

Anyhow, to me the ONS partner matters. Was is it a co worker who you knew or a random crew member or a guest on the boat? Most people would like to know what led up to you making the decision to have sex with the other person? If it was the spur of the moment after a couple drinks that's one thing, if it was the guy you've been working with for a month that's a whole nuther thing.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 5:04 PM, July 17th (Friday)]

To gmc94: I know you have no reason to trust a person on the internet, least of all someone who has cheated, but I do promise that I personally do not view BPD as an excuse for what I did. What I did is inexcusable for a reason. It’s part of the reason I want to know if I should tell him - I do not want him to think it is an excuse or that I view it as one. Thank you for your advice. I will not break silence. Can I ask though, once we are talking again, what to you would be a “green flag” for bringing up BPD if I am diagnosed?

To MickeyBill2016: Thanks for sharing that. You’re giving me many reasons to be compliant with meds if I am prescribed them, so thank you. Keeping details limited, it was a ONS with someone I met at a party, had never interacted with, and never interacted with again. They left a few days after the ONS for a contract on another boat. I can’t emphasize enough how little conversation was had or how few emotions there were for them.