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Divorce/Separation :
He had to loose me to love me

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 Summergirl13 (original poster New Member #74717) posted at 3:40 PM on Wednesday, July 1st, 2020

I’m struggling. My marriage has been toxic. My husband had 2 pretty significant affairs with co-workers of his over the last 5 years but besides that there has been a lot of neglect and loneliness! He hasn’t been there for me emotionally and I hated the way I felt in my marriage! I asked for a separation to gain clarity 2 months ago and since then we have been living separately.

My issue is that ever since I uttered the words separation, my husband has been pulling out all the stops! He has been making some really positive changes and I’m very appreciative of the work he is doing! However, my love for him has been gone for a while! I’ve lost attraction, trust and respect for him along the way and I feel like going back to a marriage to him I would always feel resentful. Like I would be abandoning myself for him! I feel like I will always feel like I was not enough. Why did it take me walking away for me to finally get the effort I had been begging for for years?! He wants to build a new marriage and work at it together but I don’t have any energy left or desire! I’ve been trying for years to rebuild what he broke and I’m so exhausted and don’t feel like I have anything to build from! We have been in counseling many times with 4 different counselors in the last 5 years so been there done that! I have 3 kids and I’m so paralyzed by fear to get a divorce but staying in my marriage feels wrong too! I don’t even trust myself to make a decision because neither option seems good! Help!

posts: 2   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2020
id 8556370
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EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 4:00 PM on Wednesday, July 1st, 2020

IMHO, he is love-bombing you. Trying to get back into your good graces enough so his life doesn't have to change (ie wifey at home and girlfriends on the side). If you D, he is looking at major changes to his lifestyle such as loss of income to child support and spousal support, having to take care of his own household, etc. In short, I don't think he is making those positive changes for you, but so he can have what HE wants.

As far as the decision to move forward with a divorce... if you're done, you're done. If those feelings are gone... then why stay? It sounds like he has largely done nothing to help you heal from his affairs. So I don't blame you a bit if you're just over it.

And it's okay if you're scared. Divorce IS scary. All changes of that magnitude are. But try to hone in on what you are afraid of exactly. The change? Money? Being lonely? Sometimes really digging down into the fear robs it of some of it's paralytic power. Also, if you haven't yet, I would recommend doing some consults with lawyers to find out what S/D look like. Often times having some facts laid out can also help quell the fear to a degree.

Let me ask you this though - taking him out of the equation - how have you felt the last two months being separated? Emotionally/mentally, how has it felt? Have you gained some of the clarity you were seeking?

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3138   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8556381
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TheLostOne2020 ( Member #72463) posted at 4:23 PM on Wednesday, July 1st, 2020

Summergirl13

I’m struggling. My marriage has been toxic. My husband had 2 pretty significant affairs with co-workers of his over the last 5 years but besides that there has been a lot of neglect and loneliness! He hasn’t been there for me emotionally and I hated the way I felt in my marriage! I asked for a separation to gain clarity 2 months ago and since then we have been living separately.

Ugh, he's been treating you like shit for 5 years. I know that feeling. Good for you for the separation.

My issue is that ever since I uttered the words separation, my husband has been pulling out all the stops!

EllieKMAS has hit the nail on the head. If you bend, he will just go back to his old ways. He's shown that he doesn't value you as a partner.

He has been making some really positive changes and I’m very appreciative of the work he is doing! However, my love for him has been gone for a while! I’ve lost attraction, trust and respect for him along the way and I feel like going back to a marriage to him I would always feel resentful. Like I would be abandoning myself for him! I feel like I will always feel like I was not enough.

First, his cheating isn't about whether you were enough or not - it was because he has shit principles and morals and has no problem putting you through pain.

You don't owe him anything. If he actually changes then good for him, that doesn't mean you owe him a second chance. You can acknowledge he's a better person and still have nothing to do with him. Too much damage for too long is a real thing.

Why did it take me walking away for me to finally get the effort I had been begging for for years?!

Because he doesn't appreciate you and he thought he could abuse you forever without any blow back.

He wants to build a new marriage and work at it together but I don’t have any energy left or desire!

Just tell him he can build a new marriage with a new partner. He's killed your marriage and you bled out waiting for him to be a decent human being.

I’ve been trying for years to rebuild what he broke and I’m so exhausted and don’t feel like I have anything to build from! We have been in counseling many times with 4 different counselors in the last 5 years so been there done that! I have 3 kids and I’m so paralyzed by fear to get a divorce but staying in my marriage feels wrong too! I don’t even trust myself to make a decision because neither option seems good! Help!

It sounds like you've made a decision.

Divorce is scary because it's a change. That said, it will get better. He's been treating you like garbage for your marriage. Remember, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

D-Day 1: New Year's Day 2020
D-Day 2: Jan 21 2020
There was no D-Day 3.

6/12/2020: Moved out.

3/02/2021: Officially divorced.

I'm 42 and just starting to have the answers to the universe...

posts: 892   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2020   ·   location: NoVa
id 8556396
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 11:57 AM on Friday, July 3rd, 2020

You have spent years trying to fix the problems in your marriage but your H was not interested.

So now when HE decides he wants to do something YOU are supposed to be available and ready to commit. I suggest you tell him you are not a trained seal and he snaps his fingers and you jump.

You need to give yourself permission to be done with the marriage. In my opinion you don’t sound happy and don’t believe there is anything left to save. You are entitled to those opinions and you should be able to walk away from the marriage knowing you gave it 100%. You should have no regrets there.

He may or may not be able to make serious permanent changes. You don’t know if this is a temporary situation and once you reconcile — he may revert back to his old ways. He will stop putting any effort into the marriage and you will be where you are right now.

No one has a crystal ball but I believe past behavior speaks for itself. And if you are no longer invested in your marriage then give yourself permission to end it. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out and you Need to recognize for your own sanity and emotional health that you just need to move on.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10519   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8557171
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NEWPERSON ( Member #71436) posted at 12:43 PM on Friday, July 3rd, 2020

Typical of liars, cheaters ,they pull up socks when you have one foot out .

I left my husband for 6 months last year and went to leave with my mom, after 3 months of me leaving he started IC and was talking the right language and it seemed like he was willing to fight for his family. He even asked to cut my time away to 5 months since we were even getting along better and I obliged-one month in he started his shenanigans-was leaving for 3 days not sleeping at home ,when I confronted him he said no one tells him what to d .Guess what was the catch -I was not back in the house and he knew i could not leave as me leaving had to approved at work and the first 6 months my manager was understanding but because I went and requested to cut to 5 months it would be difficult to request to leave again.I would look like I don't know what I want -the final straw he left for 7 days in December with his PA(cheating parner)for a holiday .I investigated it because trust was low and it was confirmed that inded they were together.I had the saddest Christmas and New year because I knew deep down I was done and my kids family was over. From January I was saving and beginning of June I left.One thing I learnt is if someone does not show remorse and work hard at fixing the issues in the relationship while you are busy asking and begging for them to do right by you.He is only acting right now because he is scared of loosing you-scared of losing you does not mean they love you or respect you...its just an EGO .....they cannot loose as this is a game to them.

Trust your guts and make sure you put yourself first as you have no guarantee that he will maintain this level of hardwork when you are back.

posts: 59   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2019   ·   location: South Africa
id 8557174
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Tallgirl ( Member #64088) posted at 2:44 PM on Friday, July 3rd, 2020

Hi summer

We have some similarities in our stories. My marriage was unhappy. I too was neglected, lonely and Struggling. Just before my 24th Anniversary he told me he had had a 5 year affair. He said he wanted us. After 3 DDays we trial separated. I couldn’t take it. I was scared, hurt but still cared. He told me for two years he wanted us. It got hard. I couldn’t get over it or through it. When I was finally ready to try, he said no. He wanted a divorce.

I was love bombed. Until he rejected me finally. And again. Now I am struggling. I didn’t listen to my gut instincts. They were right. What does your gut tell you?

Your husband is panicking. This is a real change. He is fighting real life consequences. 2 months is not nearly enough time. He is not reformed. Is he remorseful? Or is he fighting for no change, so he can get his cheating lifeStyle back?

What do you want? Take out the fear. What do YOU want?

Honey you need to be happy. It is your choice on what that means.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8557197
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CoderMom ( Member #66033) posted at 1:55 AM on Saturday, August 1st, 2020

Last I knew, marriage was for better or for worse. It was a complete committment that did not change simply because our feelings change. Feelings are fleeting and change like the wind. Commitment is much more difficult, but is so very much worth it. He is putting in 100% effort into saving the marriage. Are you?

posts: 223   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018
id 8568889
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OwningItNow ( Member #52288) posted at 6:06 AM on Saturday, August 1st, 2020

I feel that these accusations ^^^ do not come from a place of reading through the details of each poster's situation. All of your advice today, CoderMom, has been to tell people to stay married or kind of attack them for not trying. Why? Because you are hurting? You are making hurtful assumptions about what these posters are going through.

me: BS/WS
h: WS/BS

Reject the rejector.
Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5263   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8568943
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 1:16 PM on Saturday, August 1st, 2020

Please ignore Coder.

You have been involved in a bad marriage. What you decide and when you decide is up to you.

Marriage for better if worse is not meant that you must stay with a lying cheater.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:19 PM, August 1st (Saturday)]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10519   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8568981
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Anna123 ( Member #70908) posted at 2:16 PM on Saturday, August 1st, 2020

Coder has no idea if cheater is putting in 100%. The fact is if you do the research, cheaters have a pattern of love bombing when threatened with divorce.

He has proven he cannot be trusted so this isn't a team effort situation like Coder may be comparing repairing a troubled marriage to. This is a situation where he has to convince Summergirl he is now suddenly 100% honest, and win her heart back as well. 5 years of marriage counseling while a cheater is cheating and lying while falsely working on a marriage adds up to, Summer giving, I don't know --- maybe giving 1000% not just 100%? He has a five year streak of lies - how many individual lies did that add up to I wonder? How is someone supposed to just jump right back in 'for better or for worse'? This is not some natural disaster or outside event they are weathering together. This is perpetrator and victim. One person going to marriage counseling with hopes of helping a marriage, and another going to marriage counseling, lying, messing with the others head, and then going to f**k someone else while she stays home with the kids and wonders where he is.

posts: 620   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8568995
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Anna123 ( Member #70908) posted at 2:24 PM on Saturday, August 1st, 2020

Summer: I just wanted to add, and many have said it here before, you can still start the D process, and back out if he continued to repair himself and your relationship or if you changed your feelings on it. Also, there is no deadline to decide to R or D, even though you want to get on with your life. You can still take a little time to decide if you feel strongly this way. Continue to watch his actions if you still need to observe him to decide. Beware of his words though, those are meaningless at this point.

Take care. It will become clearer one way or another.

posts: 620   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8568997
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