Andnod posted 6/16/2020 12:35 PM

Well guys its been 108 days since my DD!
Almost immediately after finding out Lockdown Hit!
Consequently ive not had much contact with friends and family
Im feeling very low, had a pretty ok week and today woke up and my emotions are in the mixer again,
All i want to do is curl up and cry,
I still love my cheating scumbag ex husband and i miss him terribly, WHY????
I booted his sorry ass out as soon as the sordid truth of his affair came out
Ive gone 180 and done really well against every need in me to speak to him,until last night when i crumbled and txt him at like 4am !!!! with some lame excuse of him having our daughter at xmas!!!
Baring in mind the vile excuse for a man hasnt even seen our daughter since i smashed the door shut behind him
Anyway i digress. my question is friends when will this stop, when will i stop loving him, missing him
Im 48 i dont feel i have the energy to start again ! 16 years of marriage into the toilett
and nooooo guys i could never take him back
so reconciliation is not on the agenda
but i still cant stop this hearbreak

tushnurse posted 6/16/2020 13:30 PM

(((Andnod))))

Feel the feels. Remember no matter what path you choose it takes over 2 years at a minimum to recover from this.

Instead of reaching out to him, post here, keep that wall up. You absolutely need to for now.
When you are down allow yourself to feel down, allow yourself to cry, allow yourself grieve, it's ok. Then pull up your big girl panties, take a hot shower, put a cold cloth to your face, and put on some nice clothes, fix your hair, and go be good to you.

Look at the positives you are doing, and holding on. You have your home, your daughter, your stronger than you know and being alone isn't bad. You can decide to do what you want when you want and no one can tell you otherwise.

((((And Healing))))

Anna123 posted 6/16/2020 14:01 PM

I know the feeling! Just a reminder, no matter your age, you seem young compared to the people that are older---- You have time for a whole second life. You can keep the good memories of the first half, and now build new ones.

I was horrified at the thought of being one of those older divorced single ladies. On the contrary, it has been absolutely wonderful. The facts are, your 'singleness' depends on what you are willing to put up with contrasted with the benefit of the relationship. Everyone is different. In my case, I love my freedom so much that I'm probably locking myself out of the market. I only want to be involved with a GOOD man that is patient with allowing a relationship to grow. Some of my friends have made more serious connections quickly that I would have no interest in, and that seems to work for them. The thing is here, you get to choose what you want now, instead of being strung along for a ride! It is liberating once you get past the fear.

Meanwhile I don't want it to seem like I am brushing off that awful feeling. I really feel for you, It is still fresh! Keep reminding yourself how awful he was, it really helps in those moments.

Take care.

Andnod posted 6/16/2020 14:30 PM

Thanks Anna123 and Tushnurse x
The main problem here is im not feeling too strong atm , i feel sad , betrayed and unloved!
Whilst hes off living his best life with a woman 10 yrs older than me and as dumb as a concrete block!
He really doesn’t deserve my tears but boy oh boy they just will not stop,
I loved him, i trusted him, he was my one to grow old with!
We had holidays booked , Theatre trips and were looking at buying a holiday home near the beach now the kids are older!!
Whilst all the time he was carrying on with that skank at work !!
Did he just think that was ok?
It bloody wasnt how can you despise and love someone at the same time ?
I truly am lost guys x

EllieKMAS posted 6/16/2020 14:59 PM

Oh honey - what you are feeling is 100% NORMAL. There is a process to grieving after infidelity and unfortunately there are no shortcuts. Feeling low and scared and sad doesn't make you weak - they are just necessary parts of that process. And even though it certainly doesn't feel that way, they are necessary steps for your healing too.

Mantra: This too shall pass. It does and it will, I promise.

Stay NC for your own sanity. Sending strength and hugs!

Hurt1227 posted 6/16/2020 15:22 PM

I’m sorry that you aren’t feeling well. Allow your self to go through the process. I’m 9 months in and I’m still riding the roller coaster from hell!
Just because your X and the OW are together doesn’t mean that he is living his best life. Keep your head up!

Andnod posted 6/16/2020 15:37 PM

Hurt 1227 EllieKMAS
thanks guys , just exhausting some days and seems unending!!
Why is it when you feel this low all you want is the low life scum bucket who caused this pain to turn up and make it all ok??
IAm i going nuts??
Just wish i could turn back the clock

Anna123 posted 6/17/2020 07:56 AM

Just wish i could turn back the clock

But if you did of course, you would have to restart what you are going through now and loose the gains you can't see yet that you already have made. You have started the process but are so in the thick of it you can't gauge these first steps as progress. The emotion of loss is forefront right now but like Ellie said "this to shall pass". It really will I promise. Trust the steps and suggestions you find here and elsewhere. The sadness is so much harder to handle than the anger and when your energy is drained, I know you have no interest in drumming up reasons why you are better off now, but when you do have moments where you think you can, dig in and make lists of his betrayals, or just think about those to cancel out the thoughts of him being happy. It may be soon for you but if you can bring yourself to it, I made of list every morning of 10 things I was grateful for. I recall that helping amazingly well at times.

Take care and I will send an extra prayer your way.

Chaos posted 6/17/2020 09:40 AM

Oh sweetie. The struggle is real. And we've all been there.

I know it is very easy for us to say have the good cry to purge your system and up the self care. We know how hard it is to get through the day, hour, minute, second, nano-second, etc. We know the sheer exhaustion of simply being.

I'll share something that worked for me. It inexpensive and takes 20 min. That 20 minute activity was a life savor for me. I still use it.

Take yourself out of the house and get a cup of coffee. Dress up or not. But get out of the house and get a cup. Less than $3. Then - sit. That's right sit. Sit down. Inside/outside doesn't matter. But sit the bleep down. Put away your phone. And sit. And sip. Let your mind go and/or people watch. Sip. You mentally block out the world for 20 min. Sip. Look around at anything or nothing. Sip. Bring a magazine [because who can concentrate] and Sip. Read or just stare at the pages. And sip. When the cup is empty stand up and discard it. All the while walking like you own the fu*king place. That's right. Head held high, shoulders squared, looking the world in its eye. And for 20 min. you ruled your universe. That mental break saved me many times. That was sanity in a cup right there. I still use this from time to time when it is too much.

It may not work for you - but what's the worst that could happen - you get a 20 min break. The more you make sure you take them the more you will try things and eventually find what works for you. Repeat as often as necessary.

Sending you hugs, peace, strength and sparkles.

Andnod posted 6/17/2020 11:15 AM

Anna123 ,
Chaos
Thanks for the advice guys it is soooooo much appreciated
Some days are just worse than others aren’t they?!
What i find really conflicting and confusing is the fact that after he hurt me so badly and i know 100% i would never take him back, why the hell do i think about him so much?
whats he doing?
Who’s he doing it with?
Is he thinking about me?
Does he regret it?
Why oh Why do i even care. the human mind is a very strange thing!!!
The thing is he was my ‘safe place’ my security, my haven of protection!!
Some bloody safe place eh??
I thought he was mine as much as i was his!
How wrong can you be eh, guess you never really do know a person do you??

[This message edited by Andnod at 11:16 AM, June 17th (Wednesday)]

Tanner posted 6/17/2020 14:37 PM

I’m so sorry you are feeling low. Please know his little fantasy land will come crashing down around him. I am 9 months from Dday and even though my WW is home and working on R, I still miss her, the W I had for all those years. She is never coming back. I don’t and probably never will look at her with the same love and respect i once had for her. At the 3 month point my anger hit me, it helped tremendously. I got my self esteem back on track and became ok with the thought of walking away, or losing her. It’s taken time but I do not have the fear of losing her I once did. Best wishes

Breakingapart posted 6/17/2020 14:49 PM

No helpful advice...just wanted you to know I feel exactly as you do!

Andnod posted 6/17/2020 14:56 PM

Breakingapart,
Thanks i hope i get there soon!
Just knowing he is with her and im here alone is killing me need to get my brain to accept he isnt mine anymore!
Just want this pain to stop now

EllieKMAS posted 6/17/2020 15:17 PM

Andnod - something someone on here said to me once when I was struggling with that was: Changing who they are with does not change who they ARE. Same douchebag, different day.

It's really hard when your heart is still stomping and saying "I want I want" and your head is saying no. It's a tough time - but I swear to you it will pass.

Some days are just worse than others aren’t they?! True dat. Some days just need to fuck right off.
What i find really conflicting and confusing is the fact that after he hurt me so badly and i know 100% i would never take him back, why the hell do i think about him so much? Force of habit. Your brain and heart are still trying to sync.
whats he doing? Being a shady-ass liar.
Who’s he doing it with? His next victim.
Is he thinking about me? Probably not.
Does he regret it? Again, probably not. He regrets the inconvenience it caused him.
Why oh Why do i even care. the human mind is a very strange thing!!!
The thing is he was my ‘safe place’ my security, my haven of protection!!
Some bloody safe place eh?? You got it - he wasn't and isn't safe for you.
I thought he was mine as much as i was his!
How wrong can you be eh, guess you never really do know a person do you??

nametaken posted 6/17/2020 18:57 PM

I completely understand how you feel. A lot of times i feel like i am doing great and then some days everything just comes back as bad as when I just found out. Nothing necessarily even seems to trigger it. As much as it sucks, I just go ahead and cry it out and hope the next day is back to being a bit better. Already the good days are outnumbering the bad days. Just keep moving forward!

Outoflove2020 posted 6/18/2020 09:25 AM

See my recent posts. I am right there with you. I'm so sick and tired of the ups and downs, although slowly, slowly, there are more ups than downs. I think this is why the downs hit me so much, is that I'm having way more up days and so the downs just seem more impactful. I'm doing the same as @nametaken says - when the feelings come, I let them come, no matter how messy and loud (I pity my upstairs neighbors!). Because I'm slowly starting to realize that no matter how truly awful it feels in the moment, there will be a better moment.

For example, this past weekend was a delight for me. Now that social distancing rules are being relaxed (although I am still being careful and keeping distance and wearing a mask at all times), a friend came over for take out and a movie on Friday night; on Saturday morning I helped a friend weed her community garden; on Saturday afternoon I did afternoon tea with a friend; Sunday I read, I baked, I slept in; Monday I went on a bike ride (I took the day off). But then Tuesday and Wednesday I was curled up in a ball, wondering if the pain would ever go away and feeling so small and so worthless, as I couldn't stop thinking about what she has that is better than me, how my xWBF could have discarded me so easily for someone who is themselves cheating (she's married with a kid), and who is 1,000 miles away and for whom a real, in person relationship is a pipe dream. When I was right there. Giving him love, and support and commitment and companionship.

But deep down I knew that eventually, I would come out the other side of the spiral and that I will have more days like this weekend and less days like Tuesday and Wednesday. Because it's not about me. It's not even about her. It's about him and what a broken individual he is. And I deserve better.

You got this, Andnod. One day at a time.

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 9:25 AM, June 18th (Thursday)]

Andnod posted 6/18/2020 10:22 AM

You people are truly amazing and inspiring!
Im feeling much more positive today just keeping myself busy and plodding on , not much else i can do atm is there?! x

Tanner posted 6/18/2020 14:15 PM

Highs and lows constantly, they can hit you out of nowhere. So today I went to a business (warehouse) I have been to once before, didn’t think anything about it. When I pulled up this tremendous amount of sadness and anxiety came over me, I was triggered because I was there right after Dday. I asked the guy at the counter “when was my last order”? 9/9/2019, two days after Dday, I was a numb zombie back then, I didn’t think anything about this warehouse until I got there and my emotions got to me. It really sucks that these WS throw us in this shit and we have to suffer with it for years.

[This message edited by Tanner at 2:17 PM, June 18th (Thursday)]

The1stWife posted 6/19/2020 06:45 AM

Why do you believe he’s living his best life? Things aren’t what they appear to be.

cbgrace1980 posted 6/22/2020 14:34 PM

I have been in your shoes before and I know exactly how you feel. It may take some time, but the strong feelings of sorrow will start to heal. It's different for everyone, but you will feel better soon. Holidays are the worst. But I know you will keep hanging in there!!!