joecardinals posted 5/27/2020 04:55 AM

It has been a long 17 plus months for me, and I have finally decided that it is time to divorce. 17 months ago I found out officially that she was having a 2.5 year affair with a family “friend”. Even though I knew in my heart long before it was discovered. I did the pick me dance, I’ve tried rug-sweeping, and everything else you can do wrong. I’ve been to counseling, she’s been to counseling (a whopping 3 times) and says she is good. I fear for my 2 children (ages 9 and 5 1/2) and their world being turned upside down. I feel no safety with her, she has not done any of the work, only enough to temporarily appease me when I ask for it.
My WW and I do not fight, because apathy has set in on both of our parts I believe. I do not have the energy to feel anger towards her anymore. I’m just ready to move on with my life. I only worry about finances and our girls wellbeing. Any words of reassurance or wisdom are more than welcomed.

[This message edited by joecardinals at 4:56 AM, May 27th (Wednesday)]

Summer1976 posted 5/27/2020 06:01 AM

Sounds as though you’ve been incredibly mature and taken your time with this. It also sounds very drama- free so I’m sure your children are and will be fine. It also sounds like you’re thinking of your ex and your children before yourself - but children are very astute and they won’t ever think you were wrong to initiate divorce. I have the same worry and despite being the BS, I told my WH that I would not file and he would have to if that is what he wanted. But if and when I want to start dating again, I’ll file if he hasn’t already. One thing I do know, your children want you to be happy so if it’s right for you, do it for you. They want to see their dad happy and enjoying life, that I know for sure.

All the best to you.

squid posted 5/27/2020 06:29 AM

I went back and read through some of your previous posts.

It looks like you did everything you could. She even tried but it didn't seem enough in your eyes. And that's fine. Infidelity is a deal breaker for most. It certainly was/is for me. Our false reconciliation was really just me fighting denial for a long time as much as it was me XWW not being committed.

There's a great thread here about fear vs reality. I think we all go through that when we're contemplating drastically changing our lives. Change is scary. But coming to a decision is maybe the toughest part. The process, however tedious, can be less painful when you view it as purely a business transaction. Remove all emotion. Then, when the final decree is passed down, you can process your emotions and lick your wounds.

It took me 20 months post Dday before I filed. Very similar to you, pick me dance, rug-sweeping, letters to the AP. Blech.

Rip the band-aid off and never look back. Your girls will be fine once they see that you are no longer in pain.

Good luck.

Tigersrule77 posted 5/27/2020 06:38 AM

JC, you honored your vows and after your WW broke, them you were honorable and gave an effort to R. YOU did not fail. When your kids are older, you can tell them that you did.

Your kids will still have two loving parents (it seems). They will survive. it will be an adjustment, but they will make it. I can speak from experience that I have 3 kids that were about the same age as your older child when we D'd. And they are doing great.

If they are your biggest concern, work with your WW on the co-parenting. Maybe go to family counseling to discuss those issues, not MC as that would be a waste.

josiep posted 5/27/2020 07:21 AM

Because you are the only one committed to your marriage, I believe it's in your best interest to file for D. At some point down the road if your WW ever decides to work on herself and try to become a good person, you can always get back together but in the meantime, you need the Limbo to be over. You need some direction in your life, you need to live in a place that feels permanent and safe and solid and you need to be able to go places when you want to without consulting someone who isn't really in a relationship with you anymore and you need to be able to choose what TV channel to put on or what music to play or what to eat for dinner without having to consider a person who betrayed you in such a callous and cruel way.

I know it's scary. It's scary as Hell. But the fact is, you're already over the worst of it. The rest is just logistics - where will each of you live and what color will you paint your daughters' bedroom walls? Making those kinds of decisions are easy compared to what you've been dealing with.

And I will agree with the others: your girls will be fine. Kids can flourish quite nicely with only one stable parent, we see it all the time. I know the women's rights movement took a lot of heat for the notion but really, single people can and do raise children quite well. Is it ideal? Well, that depends on who the parents are, doesn't it? So follow your gut and your morals and your heart and do what you believe is the best for YOU. Whatever is best for you will be perfect for your daughters. Besides, planning new bedrooms for them could be quite the adventure and bonding experience. Pick out paint together, make picture collages together (with lots of photos of the family as it once was, will be painful for you but so good for them).

I also believe that once you make a decision, you'll feel the weight of the world lift from your shoulders and I think you'll find yourself becoming social again, meeting new people, enjoying your hobbies or starting new ones, etc. And it's really very possible that getting rid of the stress will really help your career and that could really make you feel great. Which of course, can serve to lead you to even more happiness. It's all out there for you.

Okokok posted 5/27/2020 08:05 AM

Although my timeline was different, everything else in your post is something I experienced, either in terms of feelings or process.

I fear for my 2 children (ages 9 and 5 1/2) and their world being turned upside down.

I know from experience how deeply you feel this. I felt the same. I am here to tell you it really is not true. This is not something that will ruin them, their world, anything of the sort. Their world will just change, and for the better if you make it so.

If you're really at this place--and it seems like you are (I remember getting to the point of indifference, where I didn't even have the energy for anger)--there are steps you can begin taking for yourself to start looking positively to the life ahead of you. The life beyond this purgatory you've been living in.

It gets SO much better.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 5/27/2020 10:25 AM

I reached this stage about 8 months ago:

My WW and I do not fight, because apathy has set in on both of our parts I believe. I do not have the energy to feel anger towards her anymore.

I don't know if apathy has set in for him, and honestly I am so apathetic that I don't bother asking. I think the stage is realizing you're done. Limbo sucks but sometimes it's necessary to regroup and figure out what to do. Sometimes staying together is necessary to reach that decision. You don't have to wonder "what if I'd stayed" - you know, and it's not enough..

nekonamida posted 5/27/2020 13:34 PM

The EA/PA, continued contact after DDay, major TT 3 months out under threat of a polygraph, and all of that was wrapped up neatly in ~3 hrs of therapy for her? I wouldn't even call that trying. I call that manipulation by doing the absolute bare minimum needed to get you off her back and not D her. How much you want to bet the therapist got a sanitized version of the A if they were told at all?

You are absolutely justified in moving forward without her. She half assed NC, half assed R, and will half ass the marriage as long as you allow it. She's still the selfish person she was when she cheated. She has not changed much if at all. You deserve so much better.

HalfTime2017 posted 5/27/2020 14:26 PM

JC, I have two kids similar in age to yours when this all went down, and still so. They for the most part will be fine. Get them some counseling if needed. Obviously your older one will understand a lot more than the little one, and may need some additional help.

As for finances, we are all afraid of the fallout on the financial front as a Dad whose used to supporting our family. I'll tell you this. It will all work out. Whether you take an extra shift or do a side gig, it will work out. 17 months in Limbo, TT, and rugsweeping is no way to live. You will survive this, just as all of us have. You'll be wiser and stronger for it, but you do have to step through the fire to get there. And we will be here to guide you thru it along the way.

joecardinals posted 5/28/2020 00:34 AM

Thank you all for your support. I don't know when we'll have the big talk, but it will be soon. I truly appreciate the help, and I will keep you all posted when there is more to report.