squid posted 5/21/2020 23:16 PM

Zaksmummy,

Sorry you have found us.

Have you lawyered up yet? That needs to be your number 1 priority. Don't let him into the house any more, as much as possible. Don't communicate with him any more except about your boy or logistics concerning D. Try to keep communications to text and email only.

He is no longer your husband. Stop being his wife.

I hope you can see that anything coming out of his mouth at this point is a lie, so act accordingly.

Start telling all of your family and friends about his behavior and hunker down with them (within a safe social distance) and lean on them for support. You need to form an alliance.

I'm sure you have rights as a SAHM. So consulting an attorney is so important. You need to protect you and your son.

Hang tough.

[This message edited by squid at 11:17 PM, May 21st, 2020 (Thursday)]

Breakingapart posted 5/21/2020 23:42 PM

Just wanted to let you know that we are all here for you. You are not alone. The hurt is excruciating and their level of immaturity, selfishness and mean behaviour is unbelievable!!! I feel your pain.

Zaksmummy posted 5/23/2020 04:30 AM

I’m just falling apart. I don’t know what to do or how to deal with this. WH has left me with half renovated house, son, dog, and no viable future that I can see. I have no way of earning a decent income and I’m just falling apart. I don’t know what to do.

The1stWife posted 5/23/2020 05:24 AM

You need to see an attorney.

Get financial support in place now.

Do you have access to tax returns and other financial info?

Lalagirl posted 5/23/2020 06:10 AM

(((((Zak)))))

Breathe. Inhale 4 counts, hold 4 counts, exhale 4 counts, hold 4 counts. Do this three times.

Your WH is not going to get away scot free with no financial responsibility to you and your son. But you must talk to an attorney - the courts may even make him pay your attorney fees. Knowledge is power - an attorney will outline exactly what a D looks like and will guide you with regard to you having exclusive use of the home, temporary custody orders, child/spousal support, etc. I really think you'll be in a better place emotionally once you know what you're facing.

I'm so sorry, sweetie; your WH is a colossal asshat and he just threw away so much.

Hugs!

Anna123 posted 5/23/2020 08:16 AM

I was very much like you. Overwhelmed, everything all at once, no way to support myself etc. What helped me, was robotically making a list. Even that was a struggle. Then 'going through the motions'. Even if you feel hopeless, you 'go through the motions'. Even if it seems like not enough, you just keep following the list. (Lawyer, house, for me- trade school---) It is long list but you get through it and when the emotions and anxiety subside, you are in a better spot because you at least moved forward during the overwhelmed time. It will give you a sense of control in the midst of the wave of dispair as well.

Take care of yourself also! Water, food, sleep. Very important.

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/24/2020 07:02 AM

Talk to a divorce attorney asap! Get child support and alimony established now! If you have access to marital funds, take what you need before he hides it.

Can you crate train the dog?

Walkingthewire posted 5/24/2020 13:19 PM

Attorney ASAP. File for custody, child support, spousal support, alienation of affection all of it.
Some places do not allow alienation of affection. My state does. If AP lived here I could file against her too. But she does not live in America.

There is a future without this scumbag. Don't even for one second there is not. You deserve so much better and so does your son.
((hugs))

Zaksmummy posted 5/31/2020 08:34 AM

Thought I would update you very kind people.

It’s been 2 weeks since WH left to move in with OW. DS (12) still refusing to have contact.

I can’t say I’m great but I’m ok. I wish the anger would come. Mostly I’m sad. For me but again mostly for DS. This shouldn’t be happening to him, it’s just so unfair.

WH still refusing to have his dog with him. Says if I can’t have him he will rehome the poor thing. So I am keeping him for now but I feel like WH still controlling me because of it. He’s playing on my wish not to have DS hurt anymore. Seems OW doesn’t want the dog WH wanted originally so bad.

I’m trying to do NC, not easy. If I was honest with you all, I guess I’m hoping he will see what he is losing and come home. I also know that’s not going to happen but still.....

WH seems to think that sending DS text every few days is good enough. I’m just so frustrated with it all. How can he be all loved up with this OW, living his new life and not even care about the devastation and destruction he’s left behind !

When we have had contact, he’s so cold in his replies. Like the last 18 years never happened. I don’t understand how a person does that. It makes me so sad.

I went to see a lawyer. I have some information now as to what I can expect. I’ve read a lot of posts on here and it seems that in the U.S, infidelity carries a financial penalty for the person committing it? Here in the UK it doesn’t matter. Has no bearing on anything as to who has behaved wrongly. So you can behave appallingly , affect your child’s emotional and mental well being but Umm it doesn’t matter. How pants is that?!

Anyway, thought I’d update you.

Just trying to get through a day at the time and trying to be strong for my gorgeous DS who is going to turn into a man so much better than his selfish it’s all about me Dad.

Devastatedwife01 posted 5/31/2020 08:48 AM

Huge hugs from me Zaks. What we are going thru is terrible. I don’t know how you can be married to someone for 18 years, and have them act this way. It’s devastating. Let me tell you one thing though-your son will be a better man than his dad. He probably already is. My oldest son is 18 and let me tell you-he is 10x the man that my husband could ever be.

All we can do is take it day by day. June 12 is my first hearing. 3 days later we would’ve celebrated our 19th anniversary.

Let the OW have him. She has won no prize at all. You and your son stay strong. You’re in my thoughts♥️

DW01

Zaksmummy posted 5/31/2020 09:50 AM

Thanks DW01

You too are in my thoughts. I definitely couldn’t get through this without this site. I’m so glad I found it.

CoderMom posted 5/31/2020 14:56 PM

If it were me, I would start with counseling and an attorney, just to get my bearings and find out where I stood.

A job would be important also.

But I'm with you in that if I was married 18 years, I wouldn't want to just throw it all away either.

fareast posted 5/31/2020 16:15 PM

I totally understand not wanting to throw away eighteen years. But your WH does not sound remorseful. If you can get counseling for your son. I know it can help. We can never understand the mentality of someone like your WH, a liar and a cheater. Research the concept of narcissist discard and see what you think. Good luck. Stay strong. You will get through this.

The1stWife posted 5/31/2020 18:37 PM

No one is asking you to throwaway 18 years. But right now your H has. And you need to deal in reality and protect your financial future, your son’s financial future and you both emotionally.

It’s not easy. But you are the only parent your son has right now and it’s up to you to be the guiding (and stable) force for him.

If your H ever does decide to return home and work on the marriage - please demand a post nup agreement and counseling for him. Those two things first!!!!!

I would never return the dog to him. No matter what. I would not trust him to keep the dog.

He’s cold and heartless to you b/c he has shame but refuses to face it. He cannot accept what he did so he lies to himself and hides from the truth. He is a coward in my opinion. Any person who abandons a family like that is a coward and is just running from their problems.

And those type of people believe substituting one partner for another is the answer?? They are delusional.

Zaksmummy posted 6/1/2020 02:16 AM

The1stwife

Everything you say is true. I know it is. He is doing exactly the things you say.

I am getting stronger by day. And I am being a present and stable parent to our son. I do my crying at night when he is asleep.

I am struggling with how someone can be so cruel that’s all. I do not understand it. It’s not a way I would act to anyone.

We shall see what today brings. DS is back in virtual school today after his break so that she keep his mind busy

Zaksmummy posted 6/22/2020 12:57 PM

Hi everyone, not been on for a few weeks. Here is my update: after 3 weeks of living with the OW my WS called me. He said he wanted to come home, had made a mistake. With a few conditions he came home. That was two weeks ago. Everything going well. On Saturday just gone, he held my hand and told me he loved me and would never do it again. On Sunday, he admitted to still being in contact with OW and had unblocked her on social media ( this was a condition)
I told him if he wanted to stay he had to block her and give me his phone. He refused, so I told him to get out. He says it’s my fault he’s gone for telling him to leave.
So I’m back at the beginning again, as is my 12 year old DS.

I am literally on my knees I’m so exhausted with it all.

I know, I know, I shouldn’t have let him back but he seemed so sure and so genuine.

steadychevy posted 6/22/2020 13:09 PM

I wonder how often this happens to BSes. Too many. It's his pattern, Zaksmummy. Does that make it 8 times now? He has shown you who he is. Believe him.

fareast posted 6/22/2020 13:16 PM

steadychevy is exactly spot on. Please end the pattern. Value yourself. You deserve better.

[This message edited by fareast at 9:02 PM, June 26th (Friday)]

Bor9455 posted 6/22/2020 13:19 PM

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:22 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

Devastatedwife01 posted 6/22/2020 13:23 PM

Oh Zaksmummy😭

I am so sorry you are back at the beginning with your emotions. I am in a very similar position as you. I have gray rocked the ever loving shit out of my cheater. Let the anger that you feel, guide you thru gray rock. Come here when you are weak, or confide in your family or close friends. Do not under any circumstance give your cheater any more chances. He does not seem remorseful in the least. Consider reading “lose a cheater, gain a life”. Focus on your precious child, keep busy as best you can. Consult with a lawyer.

I am about 7 weeks out from my d-day, and there are days when I just want to sweep all the bs under a giant rug, and have things go back the way they were. But I can’t. The damage is done, there is no going back. You don’t want to be anyone’s second choice. Don’t let him weasel his way back in. He’s not sincere. He just wants to go back to where things felt comfortable with you, and keep his side piece.

I know all of what you are feeling too well. Some days I can’t wait for the day the divorce is final-and other days I want to melt in his arms. It is easier to handle these emotions when you are not engaging with them. Don’t let him see you weak.

Big huge hugs from me. Stay strong♥️