SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Kind of a vent, and kind of seeking advice.

To cut a fourteen year saga into easily digestible pieces, my XWW (45) cheated on me (46) back in 2006 after three years of marriage. After me trying to stitch it back together, and her... Well, not. We divorced in 2007. She kept using me an emotional support when her AP kept cheating on her and didn't leave his wife.

The last time I spoke to her, I told her that I would prefer to never see or talk to her again. She thought I was joking. I was not.

I left my hometown in 2008 and moved three-thousand plus miles away. I eventually cut all ties with people from home because even my supposed friends kept giving her my email address. In 2009, I even changed my name. Pretty drastic, I know, but it seemed sensible at time. I purged everything related to the A out of my life. I sold the family home that was in my name, I even sold a particularly valuable family heirloom with a lot of history and emotional attachment.

In 2012 I met the wonderful woman who is my fiancee (35) now. Looking back on my marriage, my fiancee blows my XWW out of the water. She actually cares for me, and goes out of her way to show it.

Anyways, my XWW somehow contacted my fiancee a month ago. I had not told her of my first marriage because I had not thought about my XWW in years.

I thought that we had negotiated the waters regarding the existence of a prior marriage. Apparently, not. Because my fiancee has arranged for us to meet my XWW. When the pandemic dies down a bit, a tentative date in June. XWW wants to meet in person, not over video.

My fiancee thinks that I haven't fully dealt with my divorce. She thinks that this will give me some form of closure.

Maybe she's right, but the XWW I remember was a horrid, and manipulative person. If I can help it, I don't want me, or anyone I love to go with a thousand miles of her.

I would prefer to try and avoid this meeting entirely and find myself actually hoping that this pandemic goes on longer. I haven't seen the XWW since 2008, and have no desire to change that.

First of all your ex contacting your current partner is crossing a line. Second of all why does your fiancee want to meet to meet your ex wife from over 10 years ago? I don't even think I could come up with a more awkward meeting between people if I tried.

And if you don't want to do it then why are you going? I'm nowhere near a relationship so I can't speak from experience but if my new partner set up a meeting to meet an ex from 10 years ago I would explain pretty clearly that I am not going and explain why. The best part of being an adult is you can make decisions for yourself. If I was in your shoes and my fiancee had a problem with my decision, she would probably not be a finance anymore.

[This message edited by ForTheKids at 4:27 PM, May 2nd (Saturday)]

Just to clarify, you got engaged without ever telling your fiancee that you were previously married? And she only found out when your XWW contacted her directly? How did you explain why you changed your name, or did she not know that, either?

Under those circumstances, I can kind of understand why she wants to meet your XWW. That's a pretty big thing to just forget to mention.

You should have told her about your first marriage. Got it.

I would sit the fiancé down and give her a full explanation of the past. Then firmly cancel this.

No good will come from it.

[This message edited by Marz at 5:31 PM, May 2nd (Saturday)]

Just to clarify, you got engaged without ever telling your fiancee that you were previously married? And she only found out when your XWW contacted her directly? How did you explain why you changed your name, or did she not know that, either?

Under those circumstances, I can kind of understand why she wants to meet your XWW. That's a pretty big thing to just forget to mention.

Yeah. She knew that I had a previous serious relationship that ended under horrible conditions, but I didn't tell her that it was a marriage. In my defense, I haven't thought about my XWW, or my hometown, or my old friends for years. The last time I could remember thinking about any of it, is 2015. We only started dating in 2017. It's still not great.

She did know about my name, to an extant. She knew that I had changed my first name. She didn't know that I changed my surname. So I am completely at fault on that front, if not on all fronts.

I have since spilled my guts to my fiancee, detailing all the horrible things my XWW did. Gaslighting, changing the lock on the house while I was at work, telling the little family I had that I was cheating on her. The truth came out after I threatened legal action, but the damage was. My family believed her, even then, and I haven't spoken to my cousins since.

I can understand her doubting the things I have told her, I would too, if our roles were reversed. But logically understanding it, is vastly different than being at ease or calm about it. My XWW has not lied to her so far, but when my fiancee says that she seems nice. I'm in disbelief, I don't believe that for a second, and I'm worried about what she might try and do or say at a face-face meeting.

To be clear, my fiancee is showing all of the messages she is getting from XWW. All communication is done over Facebook. XWW has no information like address, phone number, email. Just the knowledge of what state and city we live in.

First of all your ex contacting your current partner is crossing a line. Second of all why does your fiancee want to meet to meet your ex wife from over 10 years ago?

I would agree, with your first sentence. Apparently she has something to say to me.

As for the why my fiancee wants to meet her? Well BraveSirRobin hit the nail on the head. I didn't tell that I was married, nor that I changed my name. So she's more than a little stressed, confused, and hurt. Thankfully, she doesn't feel it's necessary to call off, or change the date of our wedding in August. Assuming, of course, that the pandemic allows us to have it.

I would sit the fiancé down and give her a full explanation of the past. Then firmly cancel this.

No good will come from it.

I have done this. She now knows every bit of it that she wanted to know, and even some that she didn't.

I firmly share your opinion, but my fiance seems to believe that my XWW wants to apologize in person. An unfortunate personality quirk that I posses (I don't like to text, I prefer calling over it, I don't have social media, I call friends, etc. etc.), so she finds it believable.

So we are currently at a crossroads. Though, she has told me that she will cancel if the XWW tries anything or lies to her. Probably just a matter of time. I hope.

[This message edited by XDoe5 at 5:53 PM, May 2nd (Saturday)]

It's very weird that you neglected to mention an entire previous marriage to your fiance. I wouldn't be surprised if she's having doubts about being able to trust you and that's why she wants to meet with your and your XWW, both in person.

If she thinks you haven't dealt with your divorce, go to counseling and explore that. Truly though, and not just to get your fiance off your case.

If I were you, I would also look into marriage counseling to try and rebuild trust and reassure your fiance that you don't have some nefarious past con man life that you're trying to keep hidden.

I honestly don't think you should travel to meet your XWW in person, but I understand why your fiance might want to. Can you compromise on a zoom meeting and then block her after contact? Create a facebook, video chat via messenger and then deactivate your account? If she must say something in person, and you don't want to travel home for this meeting, a video chat should be more than sufficient.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 6:16 PM, May 2nd (Saturday)]

While you should have told your fiance about your former marriage, I think I can understand why you didn't. It appears you escaped many years ago from a Psycho -- and now she's found you again.

SO NO on the meeting. Since you have went into detail and explained to your fiance about her and if SHE wants to meet her, I'd say ..."go ahead, knock yourself out" but tell her you are NOT going to give that Psycho a glimpse inside your life again.

You owe XW nothing.

I would also add .....the fact she has stalked and found your finance is ENOUGH reason to know she has not changed.

Circling back......Sorry I missed the part in your first post where your current partner did not know you were married before. I can see why your current partner might be concerned now. That's probably something that should of come out at some point during the relationship.

That being said I still would not go to this meeting.

We divorced in 2007. She kept using me an emotional support when her AP kept cheating on her and didn't leave his wife.

The last time I spoke to her, I told her that I would prefer to never see or talk to her again. She thought I was joking. I was not.

I left my hometown in 2008 and moved three-thousand plus miles away. I eventually cut all ties with people from home because even my supposed friends kept giving her my email address.

You divorced 13 years ago. If she’s still stalking that smells like mental issues!!!!!! Not in the realm of normalcy. I think I’d be talking with an attorney. Have you ever tried a restraining order?

This could go badly real quick. I’d be afraid not only for yourself but your fiancé as well.

BEWARE !!!!!!!

I'm not going to pile on about the major secrets you kept from your fiancee. Very uncool thing to do, but you've done the right thing and told her all. Kudos.

I do agree with the stalking assertion regarding your ex. That long ago and she is still not only tracking you through social media, but insisting on a meeting in person? That reeks to high heaven of emotional instability, and you know it won't end well. That's if it ends at all. She sounds like a bunny boiler and I would not open that long closed door.

First, second and third this is nuts. Tell your fiancé that you had all the “closure” you needed. Your ex is your ex for a reason. Your ex sounds like a circling buzzard, better known as a narcissist.

My relative did not tell her children for years that she had been married before. None of their business. It was short and over.

Just say no. NO is a complete sentence,

ibonnie

It's very weird that you neglected to mention an entire previous marriage to your fiance.

Yeah... To think that I could have avoided this whole thing. *sigh* I fucked that up. My defense of why boils down to having not thought about it in years, which boils down to why she's concerned. She's worried that I ran away from the situation rather than actually process and deal with it. Maybe she's right.

I wouldn't be surprised if she's having doubts about being able to trust you and that's why she wants to meet with your and your XWW, both in person.

If she thinks you haven't dealt with your divorce, go to counseling and explore that. Truly though, and not just to get your fiance off your case.

That basically mimics what she's said. So I offered to voluntarily exile myself to the couch for the foreseeable future. Counseling is a good idea. If I am right, and I have been dealing with it in a healthy manner, all's well. If I haven't, then my fiance is right, and I can actually heal. I'll have her add it to the plan in the morning.

If I were you, I would also look into marriage counseling to try and rebuild trust and reassure your fiance that you don't have some nefarious past con man life that you're trying to keep hidden.

So far, that's included in a tentative plan to... figure this mess out.

I honestly don't think you should travel to meet your XWW in person, but I understand why your fiance might want to. Can you compromise on a zoom meeting and then block her after contact? Create a facebook, video chat via messenger and then deactivate your account? If she must say something in person, and you don't want to travel home for this meeting, a video chat should be more than sufficient.

XWW would be travelling to us. She does not want to do anything over video, and unfortunately, my fiance thinks that we need to hear what ever my XWW has to say. We've been fighting about it almost all day, which I don't like. So I'll give it a week or so before bringing it up again.

Jeaniegirl

I'd say ..."go ahead, knock yourself out" but tell her you are NOT going to give that Psycho a glimpse inside your life again.

I wish I could, but I don't want my fiance alone with XWW. Maybe she has changed, but if she is the person I remember... Just not an option. Xww was never violent, but she was a master manipulator. When she got my email address from a friend (in 2008), she slept with said friend (some friend, huh) then stole his entire computer. She then slept with a computer repair guy, to get 'free' access to it, and thus my email address.

the fact she has stalked and found your finance is ENOUGH reason to know she has not changed.

Apparently, how she found me was in the background of a picture on Facebook, the birthday party of a friend's sister-in-law from nine months ago (typical FB BS). After I told my fiance everything, my fiance demanded to be walked through how she found us. Sure enough, my fiance was tagged in the photo, and my fiance has pictures of us together. As for how she recognized me, well I have a very distinctive facial scar.

You divorced 13 years ago. If she’s still stalking that smells like mental issues!!!!!! Not in the realm of normalcy. I think I’d be talking with an attorney. Have you ever tried a restraining order?

This could go badly real quick. I’d be afraid not only for yourself but your fiancé as well.

Another thought in my head. Makes me wish I didn't sell the heirloom pistol. Until I remember that twelve members of my family over the course of eighty years shot themselves with it, and I drank and stared at it for a year and half daring myself to do the same until I sold it.

Hmm... Typing that out and actually reading it... Okay, I definitely need counseling.

We have discussed an attorney, but my fiance wants to hold off on it, for the moment. At least until she knows more.

I do have to admit that we aren't as worried about her stalking, partially because we both practice Arnis (Filipino Stick Fighting), and XWW hasn't given any indication of stalker behavior, other than tracking me down after actually stumbling across a recent picture of me. She isn't messaging my fiancee constantly, just when she is asked something.

Phoenix1

She sounds like a bunny boiler and I would not open that long closed door.

Unfortunately, in part (read that as entirely) due to my keeping of secrets, the long closed door is already opened. So I'm hoping for the best and planning for moving somewhere else. So for now, I have to wait and let things develop.

Patience is infuriating, yet necessary. Maybe XWW will catch coronavirus, or maybe she'll give in to video, or perhaps (most desired outcome) my fiance will decide this isn't necessary. And this our conversation on this, isn't over, just paused for the moment.

Were you just going to spring it on her when you went to get your marriage license or were you intending to lie on the paperwork for your marriage too?

No. The word no means no.

Do not see the XW. Ever.

If your fiancée cannot respect your position then maybe you need to re-evaluate your relationship with her too. Sorry to say

but there is no reason on earth for this meeting to happen.

Some people don’t respect privacy and boundaries.

You want to end this? It’s simple.

An attorney writes a letter to XW with a very clear “no contact ever” with you. Or legal action is taken.

You tell your fiancée you are not going to any meeting. And she is free to make her own choice to meet XW but that will only damage your relationship.

And if it is a dealbreaker then your fiancée just has to accept it.

You were honest and stated your position. She is free to make that choice.

Your fiancée is asking you to meet with your abuser. She needs to seriously consider what she is asking. And accept and respect your decision.

I do have to admit that we aren't as worried about her stalking, partially because we both practice Arnis (Filipino Stick Fighting), and XWW hasn't given any indication of stalker behavior, other than tracking me down after actually stumbling across a recent picture of me.

OMG no! Think about how she tracked you down after a decade! This is creepy AF. I understand why your fiance is suspicious but this sounds like stalker/can't move on behaviour. Is there any chance she could have had your baby and is planning to spring that on you? I can't imagine what else could possibly not be covered in a video chat. If we can visit family and go to school and do virtual doctor's visits right now, a video chat with an X you'd rather not see should suffice.

XWW would be travelling to us. She does not want to do anything over video, and unfortunately, my fiance thinks that we need to hear what ever my XWW has to say.

Under no circumstances whatsoever should she travel to you both. At the very least pick a meeting spot like three hours away, and rent a car so she can't track your license plates. Your XWW sounds unhinged. Insist on a video chat or nothing. That's more than generous, and if your XWW won't agree to a video chat, than your fiance should see/agree she's being unreasonable and there's no need to meet.

Have you watched You on Netflix? Please do so.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 9:46 AM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

All that smells and reek of trouble. I understand your fiancé wanting more information but this isn’t a choice for her to make. This is yours. You went thru hell and beyond to make sure you started over. Yes you should’ve told your fiancé 1000% but this doesn’t give her the right to force a meeting with someone in your past before her. Yes go to counseling and if a meet is needed for your own purpose then YOU will be the one to decide that. You are entitled to say no. If your fiancé is doubting you and she has reason too since you did leave out some very important information, that’s something you and her need to figure and work out. But it’s a horrendous idea to allow your XWW to enter the picture. If your fiancé is already having doubts and you already know your XWW is a master manipulator, how can this all not go sour quick?! Allowing that to happen is not only opening up Pandora’s box but it’s also rolling the dice again to break the box even bigger. Nothing good will come from that meeting. If she has something to tell you she can email you or send you a letter etc. but no there’s no logical reason why a person to person meetup is needed.

This shouldn't even be getting any oxygen in your household at all. Your ex is manipulating the hell out of your fiancee and you both are allowing it to happen. If your ex has turned over a new leaf and has a message for you, then she would respect you enough to deliver in the way that you wanted -- she wouldn't demand to do it "her way."

If your fiancée cannot respect your position then maybe you need to re-evaluate your relationship with her too. Sorry to say

but there is no reason on earth for this meeting to happen.

Your fiancee needs to realize that your ex has ruined every one of your previous relationships and, I suspect, that's her goal here too.

You moved 3,000 miles, cut ties w/ friends and family, and even changed your name to get away from ex. Maybe you were running away or maybe you were rightly hiding yourself from your abuser -- you don't have to meet with her to figure that out, a counselor can help you work through that.

Ex needs to be blocked. And a HARD NO on meeting. Fiancee needs to get "with" you on this or she can get on the next train chugging out of your life.

My defense of why boils down to having not thought about it in years, which boils down to why she's concerned. She's worried that I ran away from the situation rather than actually process and deal with it. Maybe she's right.

I tend to agree with your fiancee. If this was as traumatic as you say, this is not something I would expect someone to just forget about. Yes, you get over it and heal, but it changes who you are. Heck you changed your name. I feel if you were being truthful with your fiancee this would have all been in an early conversation. Please look into why you just forgot about this! It seems like poor copping skills and not dealing with this appropriately.

I also agree with the others you owe your ex nothing and meeting her likely has no benefit to you or your fiancee.

What the actual hell?!?!

As a psychotherapist (in the process of becoming a psychologist ) HELLO to the NO!! If your fiance has concerns (and rightly so) your EW that you haven't talked to in a decade should not be the one in control of healing that a marriage counselor should be. As for your own potential issues, again it should be a counselor. EW wanting to apologize is not about your healing it's about her healing/wanting to make amends/get rid of guilt. So yet again she's being selfish. You owe her nothing. If you owe your self and your relationship healing/growth then you should seek out a religious person or a therapist or a trained professional... not the person who destroyed you over a decade ago being selfish and continues to be selfish.

If your fiance wants to meet with your ex-wife in person that's her prerogative but she doesn't get to tell you what you need. I don't even get what best case scenario is here.... she becomes besties with your ex-wife? she helps you and your ex wife hash it out and get back together? I really don't understand what you or your fiance could get out of this that A needs to be in person and B why your ex-wife and your fiance seem to know you better than you know yourself. Sorry this has emotional manipulation written all over it to me and it sounds like you might already have been triggered by ex-wife's virtual presence in your life.