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I received an anonymous letter

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Newlifeisgreat posted 4/24/2020 17:12 PM

Polygraph?

The1stWife posted 4/24/2020 17:21 PM

I suggest you get some more evidence before you request a polygraph test from him.

It may be possible he can pass the polygraph but still be lying. They are not 100% in all cases. Liars can pass them. Truthful people can fail them.

Walkingthewire posted 4/24/2020 18:32 PM

Chances are that it is true. It was likely written by the OW. She is probably pissed off (a woman scorned if you will) that your WS chose you. That was exactly the scenario of me finding out. Except it wasn't an anonymous. She messaged me on FB at 3AM.

I suggest you do some private quietly digging. There is always a trace. there is always something.

Devastated673 posted 4/26/2020 05:07 AM

Here’s my take as a BW, and I’m truly sorry to be negative in this, but I’m a cynic.
That letter was written by the OW. Your husband ended the relationship, most likely because of Covid lockdown, or put it on a break because of it, and she’s wanting you to throw him out so they can be together. By using the “friend” stance, she exonerates herself from your husbands eyes because she outed the affair but it “wasn’t her.” Sending it snail mail also prevents being tracked. She’s smart. By using your kids names and husbands unusual spelling... she’s cluing you in.

Like everyone has said, check phone records. My WH called his AP first thing every morning, and had 90 minute conversations with her daily. It was SO obvious. He went to the grocery store and ran errands for me every Sunday just to meet her. Started working Saturdays.... not actually working anything but his crotch.
Check his phone for What's App or other messaging apps which won’t show up on a phone bill.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I truly hope it’s nothing.

steadychevy posted 4/26/2020 06:23 AM

I haven't read your thread until just now. I'm so sorry you are here but it is the best place you could have found given the circumstances. There is so much very, very painfully gained intelligence here and people trying to use that to assist the newly traumatized.

I thought my wife was committing adultery but she had so much stress at work - true. When I pressed it she denied it in so many ways and gaslit exceptionally well.

All communication between her and her COW was through work channels except for once. Since his wife had caught him cheating with someone else through his cell phone records my WW told him to never call her. He did once. She straightened him out big time and they screwed for three more years.

They travelled the whole province doing seminars and she talked to me every night before calling him to her room to screw. His place was 5 minutes from work which was perfect for nooners. They both worked a split shift when work got really, really busy so her work day was done at 2:30 and she was always home before me during that time.

This went on for 4 years. It was actually longer because they continued to be in touch at work for another 7 years. She even went to him to ask about commercial real estate values where he lived because she had some commercial property many miles away. When she told me she had done that (all innocent, of course) it was the stimulus that made me go into hyper investigation. Too bad for me it was 10 years too late.

Why am I telling you all this? Cheaters are expert liars. Cheater will never admit more than you can prove. They will always have a cover story. The cover story may not make any real sense but you will reluctantly accept it because you have nothing else to go on but your "gut".

Always trust your gut. I didn't. I let my heart and head over rule my gut to my detriment.

You've had some really good input already. Follow it. If your H is going out to work track his travels some way - old phone, GPS on his vehicle, etc. VAR in car, PI. If he just goes out to run the errands for the family, do the same.

I decided not to use a PI for a couple of reasons. The biggy was that if my WW wasn't cheating and she found out it would harm my marriage. Pathetic.

Quietly gather more information. Quietly observe.

Do not rule out a polygraph. They are an important part of the tool box in getting out of adultery.

Again, I'm sorry you are here. Take care of yourself. The hypertension of your gut screaming at you and being gaslit is horrendous. Try to sleep. Try to eat. Avoid alcohol. Stay here for support and understanding.

The1stWife posted 4/26/2020 07:21 AM

I’m sorry you had to find out this way that your H is cheating. I don’t think it matters WHO wrote the letter. If it’s a friend of the OW that person may know you very well but cannot come forward for obvious reasons (small town, her H knows your H etc). If it was written by the OW maybe she has guilt or is trying to get him to D you.

Whatever the reason I put more stick in that letter than anything else.

My H had a 4 year EA. Four nights a week he was in grad school and saw this girl. I knew from the first moment I met her she was in love with him. We used to joke about it. Until it crossed a line. Then he was secretive and denied it was happening.

In his mind no sex meant no affair.

He stonewalled me and refused to discuss it. He was never late. He never lied about where he was. She pretended to be my friend. She was very good at her “he’s my good friend” routine.

Until she called me to ask me if he could be a “friend wedding date” b/c she did not have one for a wedding. Like that was going to happen. And then the shit hit the fan! My H was blindsided by my rage and anger. I did not speak to him for days. He finally got the message.

Point is just b/c yiur H says “there’s nothing going on” doesn’t mean there’s nothing going on. That is typical cheater behavior.

Tallgirl posted 4/26/2020 07:35 AM

My husband covered all, his tracks. He lied to me for over 10 years. I had so much faith in him. It was misplaced.

Have faith in you. Look at his behaviour pre letter. What do you think? Pull your emotions back... go to logic.

My sense is it is possible, and likely. And if he is cheating. He just got a whole lot better at hiding it.

Watch, and investigate.

Do not share anything you learn. He is already on high alert.

IMO no one sends this kind of letter if there isn’t some level of truth.

I swore to people that my husband was honest and would never. I was very wrong.

Do not trust blindly. The cost is too high

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 7:38 AM, April 26th (Sunday)]

catlover50 posted 4/26/2020 07:48 AM

I received an anonymous letter too. It was true overall however there were inaccuracies. My H had been cheating but currently was not; the letter said he was a serial adulterer. He caved when I confronted him but only when I said that I was leaving him anyway and any more lies would only make it ugly.

I decided after a while that I was willing to try to work through the betrayal but only if the accusation that he was involved in yet another affair was untrue.

I found a PI online and he set up the polygraph.

I had the PI follow my WH when I said I would be at a meeting. Turned out at that time my H really was telling the truth; he also passed his polygraph.

The polygraph was stressful and humiliating for both of us but it did let us start to turn a corner.

By the way, I had some pit in my stomach feelings and bad dreams that I had rationalized. I had tried to find out the truth on my own prior to the letter and had even asked my friend if I could leave my H just based on suspicions since I was finding it so hard to live with the uncertainty. It’s terrible. I’m so sorry.

But I will echo that cheaters lie. My H tried to lie even after I told him that I got the letter and I had spoken to the OW. Then he only admitted what I could prove. It was a few weeks before he finally broke down crying and literally said “no more lies” that he stopped trying to protect himself and became more truthful. Which I didn’t believe until I had the PI investigate, had him take a polygraph and then checked his cellphone, his emails, his GPS, etc, whenever I wanted to, for months. Even years.

It’s normal to suddenly feel very loving and passionate about your H. I did. That made it very confusing. I remember saying that I just wanted things back the way they were. In time, however, I realized that my marriage had been unsatisfying for me (great for my H, BTW—I was an amazing wife and he believed that the whole time he was cheating) and that only if that changed would it be worth the hard work of reconciliation. You said earlier that he was cold, etc. Try not to gloss over the problems in your mind right now.

We are 7.5 years out and I have the marriage I could only have dreamed about. But it was really hard. My H had to change a lot; it took years, marriage counseling, individual counseling for both of us, books, lots and lots of talking and also lots of having fun together.

I still don’t know who wrote that letter. They were clearly trying to hurt my H and were not kind to me (even said “must not be satisfied at home”). However it turns out that that letter, while horrible, was one of the best things that has happened to me and to my M. It was the start of my having an authentic relationship and a marriage that is fulfilling and my feeling adored for the first time in many years.

This is a long way of saying that I would assume the letter is true. Do whatever it takes to find out the truth. Don’t believe your H. I like the verbiage someone suggested about lies being the only dealbreaker. A long time member here almost left her H when he lied about throwing out some fish guts. The lies become the biggest betrayal for many of us after a while. You don’t know who you are married to or the basic facts of your M, if in fact your partner is cheating.

Lean on us. I would not be where I am today without this community.


Best to you.

steadychevy posted 4/26/2020 07:59 AM

This is why I say I wished someone, anyone would have told me. It is why I tell the betrayeds to inform the OBS without reservation. It is an act of kindness and humanitarianism.

oldtruck posted 4/26/2020 08:03 AM

steadychevy,

re-reading your WW did made me feel sick.

staystrong101 posted 4/26/2020 10:28 AM

I do think your WH is cheating, or just ended an Affair. Yes, act like all is fine. Do not Rug Sweep. Verify - be smart, investigate, hire a PI. I think. This is not about the OW winning. A cheating, lying WS is no prize.

I just want to add that THIS is the reason anonymous letters/calls are cowardly and cruel. There is no proof, so it's easy for WS to make excuses. All it does is upset the BS. Many years ago, I also received several anonymous phone calls saying my WH was cheating. I asked for more info but the person just hung up every time. WH denied and I had no proof. I wish that person had the courage to tell me the truth all those years ago.

steadychevy posted 4/27/2020 09:09 AM

Yeah, oldtruck, it actually made me sick. Puking until dry heaving walking around the ranch trying to pull it together enough to prepare for winter so I could feed my cows. Sick that I couldn't get solid food past the back of my tongue without retching. Sick that I have spent a lot of money on IC (well spent).

Because of my experience I urge the newly betrayed to stock up on meal replacement drinks. Avoid alcohol (I didn't). Drink lots of water.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 4/27/2020 11:14 AM

I suggest you get some more evidence before you request a polygraph test from him.

Me too. There is no need for this level right now...AND it will put him on notice you are not letting it go. VAR the car - seriously. It's cheap and easy. Granted if their affair exists via text you may get nothing for awhile as a VAR won't tell you when he is on the phone texting...but they always make a phone call eventually. I know I sound like a bitter person, but the one thing I did that I do not regret is catching him...much like you I was feeling insane stuck in "what if" land.

My WH was balls deep in his affair, but he admits now that had I not confronted him with actual evidence of it he would have continued to deny. That is the truth of the matter really!

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 11:30 AM, April 27th (Monday)]

dolly111 posted 5/3/2020 22:01 PM

If your husband was having an affair, there would have been signs. We all can see them clearly once we find out about the affair. Before we figure it out, we are blind as bats!

1. First, and this is almost 100% of the time, your husband would have treated you like an annoyance. He may have become impatient with you, started finding fault, etc. They all do this. We all think that it is stress from work, but it isn't. Think back, did your husband turn on you, like you were the enemy?

2. Do you remember strange smells? I'll give you an example (go ahead and laugh!). When my husband was in the midst of his affair, from time to time he had the odor of a dog! And here's what was interesting, his clothes didn't smell like a dog, but he did! Now it has been years since the affair, so I have learned a lot about the OW. Her dog slept with her! So think about it, when he got in her bed, he wasn't wearing clothes.... Any strange odors? Think about it. Sometimes
they will take showers at the OW's home and they might smell like a different kind of soap. She may smoke.

3. This is a longshot, but I'm including it simply because your husband's OW sounds like she has plenty of nerve. Same here. I worked in a furniture store as an interior designer and OW came in posing as a customer. I didn't know who she was at the time. Any strange woman that showed up and just started chatting? Anyone that you run into a lot? Other women are obsessed with us and they want to know about us. In my case, she wanted me to look up her past sales in my computer and told me her name. When it didn't ring a bell with me, she became upset and quickly left the store (almost ran out the door). Then at a later date she came back and stood in the front of the store staring at me. Never said a word and then left. See if there is anyone that comes to mind in your situation.

4. I learned this from my detective. He told me that most of the time, all is well in affairs until the 8th month! That's when the other woman starts to put her foot down and wants to know where the relationship is going. Sometimes they don't get the answer that they want. Did someone enter your husband's life about 8 months ago? If so, there's a start! Look at his facebook page and she if anyone new appeared about 8 months ago.

5. Get on his computer if you can and look in the search bar or history for past searches. You can learn a lot by doing this. Go to his search bar and type the letters of the alphabet one at a time. A list will drop down showing what he has been researching. You might find that he has been investigating vacations, divorce attorneys, another woman's facebook page, etc. If you see things that a happily married man wouldn't necessarily look for, red flag!

6. Someone mentioned this, but I will too. On his phone, go to the Maps icon. Go to Timeline and a map will appear showing everywhere that he has gone that day. Pull up the calendar and you can go back and look at each day. You can go back for years! This is a real eye opener. If he has it turned off, turn it on! If the map shows that he keeps going to the same address quite often, that's where she lives.

7. A detective can mirror his hard drive and this is priceless. It shows everything that they have ever looked at, any picture that they have received, etc. All the erased things are there! It costs about $3000, though.

8. This is something that should have raised suspicion with me and maybe there is something similar that you have noticed in your marriage. Does he have a new interest? My husband suddenly loved Labrador retrievers. He posted photos on his FB page, he stopped to talk to dog owners if they had a lab, he couldn't get enough of those dogs! Guess who had a Labrador? Anything like that? Usually this is in the beginning of the affair when they are honeymooning.

9. If your husband is a man's man, and by that I mean he has lots of male friends, did he lose interest in those friendships? They do during the affair! I don't know why.

10. OW's cost money. Look at his bank statements.

Look for some of these. I'm sure that others here on SI have more. You will never get your answer from him if he is having an affair.

LongSigh posted 5/25/2020 19:10 PM

Listen to your intuition. This is your husband, likely a man who's patterns you recognize more quickly than you do your own.

pretend that you've put the silly issue of the letter to rest as Sunny suggests, and then watch, listen, and weigh...everything. Infidelity doesn't mean you need to leave. Heck, if your okay with him having an affair, that's your choice.

At least make sure you know who you're married to though.Living with the doubt and wondering is torture and the easiest way to the truth is quiet watchfulness. Your gut will tell you whats up if you let it.

Also... the letter is from the AP. Shes trying to light a fuse since he isn't moving fast enough while trying to feel better about herself all in one go. Just my opinion but, there it is.

DaisyAnne posted 5/29/2020 12:14 PM

Here’s my take as a BW, and I’m truly sorry to be negative in this, but I’m a cynic.
That letter was written by the OW. Your husband ended the relationship, most likely because of Covid lockdown, or put it on a break because of it, and she’s wanting you to throw him out so they can be together. By using the “friend” stance, she exonerates herself from your husbands eyes because she outed the affair but it “wasn’t her.” Sending it snail mail also prevents being tracked. She’s smart. By using your kids names and husbands unusual spelling... she’s cluing you in.


Exactly what I was thinking and going to say. I know because this is exactly what happened to me. The OW "anonymously" sent me letters in the regular mail to let me know my husband is a cheater. This was after he dumped her sorry ass for good and she would not take "no" for an answer. She tried every way she could to break us up. She thought she was clever by it being "from a friend" but my H immediately knew it was her.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you have some answers by now.

Beth009 posted 6/28/2020 08:45 AM

Ask for all passwords and complete transparency. Don’t give him time to wipe his phone. Check sent folder and trash can in email. Phone records are a big help.

Dismayed2012 posted 6/30/2020 09:45 AM

Nobody sends a letter like you've described just for the hell of it throwaway99. Your only hope at finding out the truth and getting peace for yourself is through a polygraph. If your husband passes then you can throw the letter away. The mission is to get yourself out of agony as quickly as possible. Schedule a polygraph this week so you can get on with your life. Decide also whether an affair is a deal-breaker for you or not. Make a plan for each outcome. Educate yourself on your options. Don't allow yourself to waste time; worrying doesn't help. Take action, plan, and get yourself and your family out of this mess. You can do this; you're worth it. I wish the best for you.

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