Every time I look at her and see the pain I’ve caused her it is a reminder of how terrible a choice I made.
Have you told her this? When I asked my husband how I could trust him and expect he wouldn't do this again, he said the look on my face was something he'd never forget, and he didn't ever want to see me look like that again. Especially not because of his choices.
I just read back through a couple of your posts. It's to your credit that you confessed because your conscience pressed you. I suspect you were hopeful that because it was in the past it would be easier for her to get over. I wish it worked that way, but I don't think it does.
I was a newlywed of less than a year and pregnant with our first child when I discovered that my husband had a double life. We were Christians, waited until we were married, and I felt as if I had been completely duped. I don't know exactly what level of infidelity you pursued (don't need to), but I'm *guessing* your wife feels ten times worse than I did. Physically, she may feel inadequate and tainted. I felt violated that I had bared my body to a man who could betray my trust like that. I was sure he was comparing my pregnant body to the others' (large breasted, perfectly shaped, and tight) and I had never felt so ugly. The infidelity was very sexually charged but hadn't yet turned into a PA, so I can only imagine how your wife feels. The feelings of betrayal and devaluation are a sickening, lethal combo.
Whatever you do, do not indulge in self-pity. Find male friends to talk to about that or post on SI. (Though I strongly recommend you not private message females.) Make sure they will also hold you accountable. We went to a pastor, who rugswept and got embarassed b/c he really had no idea how to handle any of it, and he made everything worse. I'm not a fan of pastors as counselors. (I find they are good at shepherding but horrible at counseling, unless they have real training.) Please make sure your pastor understands the gravity of infidelity.
I know you want her to commit to R, but don't pressure her. It is trying to control the outcome, and you already did that by cheating and then choosing not to tell her for so many years. Think of it as if you'd assaulted her. We don't expect victims to make friends with or even associate with their attackers. Remember that when you feel impatient. Instead, continue to thank her for every day she gives you to help her heal and spend with your family, to prove you do love her. That you are working on your "why"s and boundaries in order to be safe. At this point tell her she IS NOT ON A TIMELINE to work through this, especially NOT YOURS. You are in this for the long haul. If she says she doesn't want R, tell her that it will kill you but you will still be here, doing your best to take care of her and your family, however she allows that, however she wants that to look.
Do share if you're concerned she is bottling up her anger/grief and want her to know she can talk to you about it or anything else whenever she wants. Offer to schedule a regular time for that. Tell her you don't want to hurt her but are committed to not rugsweeping. Make it a point to confess any other lies--even not related to infidelity--that you've told her and make sure you are being truthful in all things.
If she's having trouble eating, tell her you're worried about her health and serve her healthy snacks or meals. Smoothies. Something that proves you care about her long term well-being and are not just trying to make her happy or get points. If her love language is service or gifts, speak to her that way, even if she doesn't show appreciation (remember, this is not about your feelings). If she asks you to stop, perhaps continue to put small things you wish you could give her in a box with notes attached and squirrel them away so she doesn't have to see them. (But write notes so she knows they were for her and not someone else.) Write her notes or letters telling her how you feel about her, what you appreciate about her. She can read them when/if she chooses. If she rejects them, start a dated journal and write down the things you wish you could say to her and do for her. If she ever changes her mind, you can present it to her. But don't tell her about it or use it to manipulate.
What you've done has hurt your children, but you are doing the best thing now in coming clean, manning up, and dealing with the consequences. Continue to show them humility. Model for them how you should have treated their mom. Talk to them about that. Tell them how God has changed your heart and is continuing to work in your life. If my father had dealt with his infidelity this way, it would have meant the world to me. Would have gone a loooong way towards repairing our relationship and helping me to understand grace. And probabably helped me to have a better "picker" when it came to relationships.
Again, your confessing because you wanted to do the right thing vs because you were going to be caught is a good sign. (If eventually getting caught was a factor, confess that to her immediately.) I know this is a lot more advice than you asked, and I apologize for that. Hopefully you will find something helpful. I am rooting for you, Redeemedsinner, and I hope and pray that you and your wife are able to R. Take care.
[This message edited by RosesandThorns at 5:46 PM, March 30th (Monday)]