SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You know those periods where life just seems to pile on and tests your resilience?

Dealing with any variation of infidelity AND _______ life event can be particularly sucky. And sometimes just those life events alone can test our strength. I remember reading at some point about the Japanese concept of the inherent sadness of being human. So kind of like that.

I was kicking this around the other day with IC because I was feeling like my well of coping was starting to run a little dry. Since late Fall last year – it just seems I’m having this series of unexpected events that come in waves and layers. The feeling of “I just need one damn thing to go right.” Then I read something on here from someone in a certain forum lamenting “when do I get my time – I should get to pursue my own happiness and joy and good time charlie fun and when does it all get to be about me and my feelings” – or at least that’s what the translator in my head told me. And I think my eyes rolled in my head and I might have sighed out loud a little dramatically.

Tapping into my resilience after infidelity was one of the hardest journeys I’ve ever made. On the other side of that I have few fears that I have the tools to get through all sorts of shit. But you know, sometimes you just get a little tired. I was making a long road trip for work and while tooling along, I had this little tiny tickle of nausea deep in my belly. And it’s not that anything is particularly “wrong” – it’s just stuff we all have to face (well…those of us who choose to address things in our lives instead of run from them in unhealthy ways).

So here’s a couple of recent examples and my two of little ways of coping:

The Gratitude Thing.

Trying to quickly fly across the country to be with oldest friend and my goddaughter after a sudden death in their family. Funeral arrangements happening quickly – lots of scrambling - you can imagine the routine. Night before morning flight – furnace quits working. Single digit temperatures on the way. Good fun. The days out there were difficult but wonderful at the same time – travel was exhausting – furnace was expensive. But you know, this is when I really took one of those minutes to practice that cliché gratitude thing. How incredible is it that I have a life that allows me to really be there for others when they need it? And the support system on the home front to step in and help get things fixed? There was not a single thing about that series of events that was “fun.” But I do think there is true joy in celebrating the real shit.

The Humor Thing.

Humor is always my favorite way to flip the absurdity of life. So on the heels of the above, I decided to be good and keep my appointment for a colonoscopy. Bad roll of dice: I got the 4 liter split prep eau de citrus nastiness in a jug. Prep is cruising…or maybe that was me cruising in and out of the bathroom. Let dog out in between one of these visits and apparently he eats a big mouthful of grass (I'm not really sure, I was inside expelling random organs into the toilet). In between another one of my trips to the bathroom (we’re full on at this point and I’m getting a little weak and oh so done but we’re still drinking shots so it won’t end soon), dog pukes said grass in the middle of the floor. Now, I actually had to stand there for a minute looking at the floor wondering if when I bent down to clean it up I was going to shit my pants. Should I sort of fall to the ground on my hip instead? Squatting definitely a no go. How to come at this so I don’t have to clean up shit and puke at the same time? Oh yeah, this kind of problem-solving moment is just so joyful and I’m pretty sure I wasn’t pursing my own happiness right then. But it was funny as fuck. (Epilogue: don’t have to get another colonoscopy for 10 years. Thank you blessed GI Goddess).

So the challenge from IC was to come up with a “something” for myself. I know I’ve talked here about giving ourselves permission to be a little frivolous – to really carve out time or money or space and give ourselves a break. So mine is looking forward to the first nice Spring day – splurging on beautiful fresh food and maybe a bottle of wine – buy a pot of early season flowers – put on some good tunes and sit on my deck with SO and pup and just…be. Probably not very exciting. But it’s for sure attainable and gives me a little something something to look forward to and plan in my head.

Anyone else got some tips from their own toolbox that have worked for you?

[This message edited by Chili at 11:56 AM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]

I so hear you on the humor thing... One of my mom and I's favorite movies is The Money Pit, with Tom Hanks. If you've never seen it, you totally should cus it's hilarious. But there is this one part where he pours water into the bathtub and the whole tub falls through the floor and crashes into a bazillion pieces on the floor below. He stares at it for a minute and then starts doing this weird laugh (and it's Tom Hanks, so is just super funny). At any rate - going through all this infidelity crap, that scene has come back to me sooooo many times. So on one of 'those' days, I'll call mom and tell her I'm having a bathtub day

I personally think that being able to laugh at the absurdities of life is one of the best ways to get through tough times.

And I'm cackling in my cube at work reading your colonoscopy story And segues nicely into MY gratitude mantra. On those days when I am just not being able to find the happy or the thankful, I will tell myself "Ellie, you didn't shit yourself today." If nothing else, 99.9% of days that is the truth!

well…those of us who choose to address things in our lives instead of run from them in unhealthy ways)

I think the hell after D-Day and the realization of what my marriage actually was, kick-started the first time in my life I coped with anything in a healthy way. I had absolutely no choice. In the past, I turned to food, or some crash diet, or extreme exercise, or partying, or alcohol, or slipping into the pit of depression and staying there, blaming everything and everyone around me for why I was sad.

I was so destroyed from 2015 to 2017, that I had absolutely no choice but to dig deep deep deep inside myself, start at the core, and put myself back together piece-by-piece tiny little piece. Through IC, healthy exercise, healthy eating, avoiding alcohol, leaning on friends and family (non toxic ones!!). I did not get the instant gratification that an alcohol buzz gave me, the process has been waaaaay slower. But I am stronger than hell now, and a fierce force to be reckoned with.

Chili, you and many on this forum are familiar with my recent heartbreak. 3 weeks later, it hurts about 80% less than it did in the beginning. And getting better every day. Resilience. Because I healed (and am still healing) the right way from my marriage disaster, that strength and self-awareness has given me powerful weapons to handle the little hiccups of life. Three weeks ago I was crushed. Now I think of it as a hiccup. And I am incredibly proud of how I handled myself, with poise and integrity, remaining true to myself and my core values. There ya go.

It's during those life hiccups that we are reminded what amazing lives we have. and that you were able to fly all that distance to be there with people you love. and people that love you stepped in back home to make sure your shit was taken care of. Post infidelity, I am very aware and grateful of all the people in my life that lift me up, and the people that I lift up eagerly and with joy. None of this shit is coming with us at the end. It's the love and the relationships with people around us and how we treat people that is what really matters.

ETA:. Last night, I was texting with a new friend, and he made a joke that made me laugh. The more I thought about it the more I started laughing, to the point where I was hunched over holding my stomach and tears were pouring out of my eyes and I couldn't catch my breath. And this went on for several minutes. I couldn't stop laughing. I had the very conscious thought in the midst of this about how good it felt to be having this deep belly laugh, and that I was grateful for whatever events that occurred and powers that be, that got me to that moment in time.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 12:29 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]

Oh ive seen The Money Pit. Pretty funny.

Sometimes all you can do is laugh like a madman at the absurdities of life.

This:

my well of coping was starting to run a little dry

Thank you for this. This completely articulates how I feel today after the last few years. I'm many years past infidelity, but other crap the last few years has just about taken me down.

I agree sometimes, all you can do is laugh. And gratitude is a great thing... sometimes, I get mired in stuff and don't always find it right away, but I get there.

As for your colonoscopy story... girl, I feel that! Sadly, I have to have mine every 3 years, so I'll get to experience THAT joy again next year. With all the advances in science and stuff, I just don't understand why this process is still so sucky. I can handle the volume of stuff to drink but come on... can't they make it more palatable somehow? Gah!

Keep hanging in there! You rock. Seriously.

Okay, so you know I’m in the resilience drought with you guys. And some day I’ll give you the truly hilarious story of my at-home colonoscopy alternative test. But pro tip: DO NOT eat cake with lots of dark blue frosting the day before doing the test. Just...don’t.

I love your spring celebration plan. I am looking next weekend when we get an extra hour of evening light on Sunday and I am going to do something.

Hang tough, lady. You will get through this.

Oh my gosh. I laughed like a crazy person over this story. Just an FYI, Ferring does sell a test prep that is easier for this whole thing. Maybe ask about it in ten years. My favorite part was imagining you considering falling on your hip. I think life is just sometimes plain funny sometimes. Thank you for sharing.

I know several of you who have replied have had their own life challenges of late - thanks so for chiming in.

EllieK: I love that movie and remember Hanks' maniacal laugh - totally describes a bathtub day. And hey - right on for shitting your pants only .1% of the time. That's a good number.

Bleep: Your heart has been batted around for sure lately, but it's such a testament to your character and hard work with how you handled everything.

a fierce force to be reckoned with.

<---- Roger that!

Nanners and Bearly: You both have been piled on in really heavy ways these past couple years. I hate that you have to keep going back to that resilience well over and over. You deserve a little lightness - some of that airy floaty peaceful thing. I hope you're each planning a *something* too. And Nanners - every 3 years is just rude.

DI - I will definitely be demurely asking about an alternative prep next time. I know how important the screening is, but the process is just so damn barbaric. Yet as you said - just plain funny too.

Oh and Bearly - dark blue frosting? This does not seem like a very common cake topper color. Apparently you had the opportunity to enjoy that lovely natural shade on both ends. Now I really want to hear the story. Semi-pro tip #2: shy away from green jello unless you want to impersonate an alien.

As trite as this sounds I make myself get out of bed. And unlike Donald Duck I make every attempt to at least put on pants and a clean shirt.. Taking a shower is a bonus.

I make myself exercise and I eat healthy food.

Seriously infidelity is the Mac daddy of a sucker punch so we are all champions if we just get up.