I have been asking if I could come over at night to spend time together. He would either say no or that he was going to bed early or not answer at all. I then gave him some time and really didn’t text him at all unless it was about our daughter. Thursday night, I had enough. I sent him a text saying how much I love him, care about him, and miss him. I admitted that I had been giving him the space that he wanted. I told him that I want to prevent the reality of what seems like is going on in his head. He never responded.
Friday morning I went over for our daughter. I thought he would leave right away, but instead he stood by the sink with his arms crossed. I told him that eventually we will have to talk. He said he knows I'm tired of being stuck in limbo too. I said to him, “ I told you that I would wait and I will. What I'm tired of is not being able to talk to you.” He asked about what. I told him anything. I asked him if he's been having good days. He shook his head no. He went on to tell me that he has gained 25lbs since my last tt. He's gone to bed by 5 twice this week, will wake up to talk to our daughter, and then back to sleep.. He also said that he doesn't think he will be seeing his IC anymore. I asked why, and he said because "she can't help until I'm ready to be helped and it's a waste of money." I asked how work was going. He said he's able to fake it there so it's fine.
The whole time he was standing there arms crossed looking very sad. I knew if that was I would want a hug, so I walked up to him and gave him one. He then told me that he is taking more sleeping pills than his usual one to help him fall asleep. Then he left.
Friday night I texted him saying that if he wants some company that I would love to be it, but no reply. He took our daughter to the movies yesterday. I texted him a couple of times just asking about the movie, which he did reply to. Then I told him that I would really like to come over and asked him to think about it. Later on that night, after I spoke to my daughter, he replied back saying he didn’t have anything I would want to talk about. I said we can talk about whatever or just sit there. I just wanted to spend time with him. He said if I came over that he would only discuss divorce. I told him that we could discuss that, but I would just keep saying how that’s not what I want and that I won’t give up. He said it would be a pointless conversation then. I asked him if divorce was truly what he wanted to happen. He said he didn’t want any of this. I apologized for turning his life into this. I sat here not knowing if I should go over or not. If I should text him or just leave him alone. I decided to drive over to the house. I wasn’t sure if he went to sleep right after her, so when I saw the lights on, I texted him asking if I could come in. He had no idea I was there. I had to wait outside for a bit because our daughter took a long time falling asleep.
When I finally got in, we just sat there for a little bit not talking. I asked him some questions about their day, he would answer and then go silent again. He said he wasn’t sure if he was going to go on a trip that he has already booked. There is an event in CA in May for his hobby. He has already signed up, purchased the plane tickets, car rental, and hotel/air bnb stay. I asked him why he wouldn’t go on the trip. He said he hasn’t really been into the hobby. He does it, but isn’t into it. I told him that he should go, he’s already paid for everything, and it would be a lot of fun. He said “if I don’t want to go, then I’m not going.” We were silent again for a little bit.
I finally told him that we can try. He said that we did try, which took me by surprise. I asked him how if we’ve been separated. He meant while being married. I told him that we can actually try, we can talk to each other, we can work together. He said he wants to be alone. I told him that I don’t actually believe that. While I know he likes to be a loner, I truly don’t believe he wants to be alone. I told him how I know he enjoys having our loud in your face daughter around, and that’s definitely not being alone. He said it was different because she doesn’t have a voice. He doesn’t want to have to care about someone or try or bending over backwards. I told him that is exactly what he does with her. He said she’s the only one he wants to do that for. I said “ok, but what if that changes? What if you do realize that you don’t want to be alone?” He cut me off before I could say more with “Then I’ll find someone new.” That stopped me.
I kept trying. I asked him what if he realizes that he wants to be with me. He said he doesn’t want to see himself as being pathetic. If he stays with me then he is pathetic in his mind. I asked him why he couldn’t see himself as a man trying to keep his family together instead. I told him that I don’t truly believe he wants a divorce. I said “I know it’s not just about (dd) or the finances. If you wanted a divorce, then you would have filed already. There is something else going on that’s stopping you.” He tried saying that it was the finances, that he doesn’t want to lose half of everything he has worked for. I didn’t say it, but I call bullshit on that. I know him and money/material things. He would have been gone by now. I kept asking him to let us try. I said that I would not be moving back in, that we would take things slow, but that we would actually try to work together.
He said that he has to see how much of me he can live with in his life, just as a co-parent or more. I told him if it was more, then I could possibly help him (like with triggers). He said he wants to get to a place of indifference with me. He doesn’t want to have to reclaim places with me, or go on vacations. That all just seems too painful, his words. He doesn’t want to always be on edge when he goes out, afraid he’ll see the ap. He wants to be able to drive down the road and not wonder if that is the parking lot we were in. I told him that I was sorry that he now has to feel like that each day.
He finally said the conversation was done because neither one of us are saying what the other wants. I asked him if he actually wanted me to say “sure let’s get a divorce.” He said “yes, actually I would really like for you to say that.” I asked him “Is it because then it wouldn’t all be on you?” He shook his head yes. Again, I asked him if we can try.
As I got up to leave, we stood there by the door. I really didn’t want to walk out. He said he was glad I was feeling better, I had the flu recently. I asked him one last time if we can please try. He said goodnight, and I walked out.
He just texted saying that he wants me to know that asking me to leave last night was hard. He struggles to make eye contact because he thinks he's hurting me.
[This message edited by LifeDestroyer at 10:24 AM, March 8th (Sunday)]