Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Wayward Side :
An update on N and I

Topic is Sleeping.
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NoOptTo ( Member #62958) posted at 10:17 PM on Tuesday, March 24th, 2020

LD,

So N started the process of D. Take what you have learned o er the past past months. Treat your well and try not to beat yourself up for your mistakes. Your becoming a better person with all the work you have done on yourself. If you continue, you will become a better partner for N or someone else in the future.

As what is being conveyed to us now is that N has stopped trying to work out his demons. You can say he is running away from himself as much as he is running away from you. All we all can pray for is that N voluntarily goes back to IC to help him get past his choices as well. You both have a wonderful DD to raise together.

That does not mean you two have to be friends with each other. Some times just being respectful of each other will due.

Be a rock for DD. Be truthful with her. Your so worried about her finding out that you were the cause of the family being split. Let her know know in an age appropriate way. She will be mad. She will also get over it easier being her young age. Explain to her that your poor actions have consequences. Its important to make good choices and live a respectful life. Otherwise the gs happen that you dont intend on happening as a result of your poor choices. That goes for decisions made in abusing substances, partners, friends, etc.

Let her learn through your mistakes. And more importantly show her that one can redeem themselves with hard work.

posts: 642   ·   registered: Mar. 6th, 2018   ·   location: New York
id 8526077
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Hippo16 ( Member #52440) posted at 1:05 AM on Wednesday, March 25th, 2020

Well Said:

As what is being conveyed to us now is that N has stopped trying to work out his demons

Hard to fix what's broke without working on it.

I worry that Mr. LD is heading towards a major personal crash.

Not Just Friends

posts: 546   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8526105
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Justsomelady ( Member #71054) posted at 2:45 AM on Wednesday, March 25th, 2020

I disagree that a elementary school kid should learn this A.how will N explain his too? It’s all too much. It is not for her. I grew up with way too much emotional disclosure that was wayyyy too young. It was very negative for me. Don’t do that to the little one now. Not saying to keep it from her but def not now while she is young and her world is exploding around her.

Be responsible for telling the truth. Not managing other people’s reactions to it - Mel Robbins .

posts: 512   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2019   ·   location: Midatlantic
id 8526125
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 LifeDestroyer (original poster Member #71163) posted at 2:54 AM on Wednesday, March 25th, 2020

She will not know what I did until she's older, and that will come from me. For now she knows that I lied to her daddy in a big way and hurt his heart. That is all she needs to know right now.




Maybe today can be a good day, and if today can be a good day, then maybe tomorrow can be too.

We might be broken and imperfect, but we still have worth and value.

As hard as it is to feel pain, it's much harder to feel nothing.

posts: 769   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2019   ·   location: OK
id 8526128
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 LifeDestroyer (original poster Member #71163) posted at 10:20 PM on Wednesday, March 25th, 2020

He just came to pick her up and asked me if I wanted to tell her now. I told her that mommy and daddy won't be living together again, and that I will be moving back home and daddy will find a new home. She immediately started crying. She asked if we will ever move back together when she is a teenager. I held her the whole time, tried not to cry but couldn't hold them all back. He sat there very quiet, only said a few words. I then found a ladybug on her and that took her attention. She just sat there and played with it. I feel very numb right now that they're gone.




Maybe today can be a good day, and if today can be a good day, then maybe tomorrow can be too.

We might be broken and imperfect, but we still have worth and value.

As hard as it is to feel pain, it's much harder to feel nothing.

posts: 769   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2019   ·   location: OK
id 8526333
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BraveSirRobin ( Member #69242) posted at 2:03 AM on Thursday, March 26th, 2020

I wish I could reach through the screen and hug you. Please hang in there. You're going to be so important to your little girl over the coming years by teaching her about rebuilding your life with integrity. For tonight, give yourself permission to stay on the floor. What an awful day.

((LD))

WW/BW 51 (Me)
BH/WH 51 (TimeSpiral)

posts: 2038   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8526425
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Justsomelady ( Member #71054) posted at 2:26 AM on Thursday, March 26th, 2020

Ugh. So sorry hon.

Be responsible for telling the truth. Not managing other people’s reactions to it - Mel Robbins .

posts: 512   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2019   ·   location: Midatlantic
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 LifeDestroyer (original poster Member #71163) posted at 2:54 AM on Thursday, March 26th, 2020

One of my students, who is a foster kids, just got placed into a shelter. His previous family was our second grade teacher, but because of his violent tendencies they gave him up. He got placed again, I could tell this couple couldn't handle him, but I was so delighted to see him earlier today on video. She just messaged me to say that they had to give him up because of the same issues. She just asked if I wanted to take him in. The previous mom asked me the same. I feel so horrible because he is such an amazingly sweet boy in class. He should not be in a shelter.




Maybe today can be a good day, and if today can be a good day, then maybe tomorrow can be too.

We might be broken and imperfect, but we still have worth and value.

As hard as it is to feel pain, it's much harder to feel nothing.

posts: 769   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2019   ·   location: OK
id 8526441
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Justsomelady ( Member #71054) posted at 2:57 AM on Thursday, March 26th, 2020

I feel for that kid but that is about the last thing your daughter needs at home right now. She needs to mourn her life being upended not have a new violent sibling.

Plus - if somehow the divorce turns ugly it would mess up your custody of your daughter potentially. Or he could legitimately have an issue there (I know I wouldn’t be on w it).

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 8:59 PM, March 25th (Wednesday)]

Be responsible for telling the truth. Not managing other people’s reactions to it - Mel Robbins .

posts: 512   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2019   ·   location: Midatlantic
id 8526442
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 LifeDestroyer (original poster Member #71163) posted at 3:13 AM on Thursday, March 26th, 2020

No, I wouldn't be taking him in. When I was first asked, I told the teacher that I couldn't. I'm just very heart broken for this boy.

[This message edited by LifeDestroyer at 9:13 PM, March 25th (Wednesday)]




Maybe today can be a good day, and if today can be a good day, then maybe tomorrow can be too.

We might be broken and imperfect, but we still have worth and value.

As hard as it is to feel pain, it's much harder to feel nothing.

posts: 769   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2019   ·   location: OK
id 8526448
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Newlifeisgreat ( Member #71308) posted at 6:24 AM on Thursday, March 26th, 2020

One day at a time

Betrayed SpouseShe cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being AdulteryDivorced 9/18Now VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

posts: 664   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2019
id 8526476
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Trdd ( Member #65989) posted at 1:48 PM on Thursday, March 26th, 2020

Many of us have been rooting for the two of you, hoping R could be possible. Yet what we want is not always what is actually best for us, even when it seems like the right thing at the time. Be open to the idea that this journey can potentially lead everyone involved to a place that is good for them, despite the pain and hurt that has happened. You can manage the road ahead and if you continue to work at it, the journey will bring you to a place that is better than where you are now, even if it looks different than what you were hoping for.

posts: 344   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8526536
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Thissucks5678 ( Member #54019) posted at 7:04 PM on Thursday, March 26th, 2020

I’m sorry for you and your daughter. I think it will work out for the best. Keep working on yourself, keep going to IC and working on yourself and you will come out of this a much better and stronger person than before.

I am not in your marriage - but based on what I’ve read, I think when you look back you will see that maybe N did not have what it takes to Reconcile. It’s so hard to do this. He has been struggling for a time with his own demons being a MH and I personally think that speaks volumes. I truly hope you all make it through this and come out the other side better and stronger people.

Good luck.

DDay: 6/2016

“Every test in our life makes us Bitter or Better. Every problem comes to Break Us or Make Us. The choice is ours whether to be Victim or Victor.” - unknown

posts: 1792   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2016
id 8526637
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 LifeDestroyer (original poster Member #71163) posted at 5:06 PM on Sunday, April 19th, 2020

It's been an interesting 3 weeks. N said he would try. He didn't want to lose me or our family. Then the flip-flopping continued. He wanted to turn into the bad guy he sees himself as so that I would finally let go. Lots of push and pull. Some things were said and done out of hurt. A shit ton of confusion has continued.

I moved back into the house yesterday. N and my dad helped me. N is living at the house, but staying in his own room. Right now, we are trying just to live in the same house again. He may move out in a week or 6 months or who knows. It is extremely awkward for the both of us, but our daughter is beyond excited. She followed me around everywhere last night. I had to keep telling her that I'm not going anywhere and that she doesn't have to follow me or look for me.

I cried last night in the shower. It was a mixture of emotions. I was so happy to be back in my home again. I was also so confused on what is going on. I was also so upset with myself for causing all of this. I was also worried about what life will be like now for us.




Maybe today can be a good day, and if today can be a good day, then maybe tomorrow can be too.

We might be broken and imperfect, but we still have worth and value.

As hard as it is to feel pain, it's much harder to feel nothing.

posts: 769   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2019   ·   location: OK
id 8534037
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ManishsDad ( Member #64007) posted at 6:58 PM on Sunday, April 19th, 2020

I had my wife move out but eventually allowed her to come home. I wanted to try to work on our marriage and I wanted my son to have his mother and father under one roof again. It is only one step but it is a big step. Now more than ever openness and honesty are needed. Compassion and efforts to respect the time and space he needs WHILE ALSO STILL OVERTLY FIGHTING FOR THE MARRIAGE. He might give up 100 times in a week. YOU can’t give up.

Therapy is so key right now. And read and apply much of what HellFire, Hiking Out, Brave Sir Robin, and Mrs Walloped have shared on your threads as they have tried to advise you.

posts: 82   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2018
id 8534066
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leavingorbit ( Member #69680) posted at 8:50 PM on Sunday, April 19th, 2020

Hi, LD. It’s for sure a roller coaster. My husband moved back home after three months and I had a lot of up/down. He did too. The fight or flight is extreme.

Are you still meeting with your IC in some capacity? Have y’all addressed boundaries about being home? I remember the feeling of being around each other, home, not whole but at least together. I can see now that I felt like that. I think at the time it was too new. Looking back, I wish I had set firmer boundaries for myself because it was really easy to kick into codependent patterns and focus on him instead of doing my work.

Just some food for thought. I’m of the opinion (and this may not be popular) that madhatter recovery is different. In my case, we had two people that were unhealthy and gained emotional validation and general value externally. It was important that I learned how to set healthy boundaries for myself and not just feed into “focus on my husband” mode because that was part of the problem in the first place. It was important for my husband to do his own work and processing. We are out of initial recovery now with a long way to go. I don’t think it could’ve happened if I had kept up my practice of zero boundaries with him.

Just FYI: not suggesting that you don’t have any boundaries. I am concerned that there’s some nuances about madhatter experiences missing sometimes. You are allowed to feel and process, too.

When we drop fear, we can draw nearer to people, we can draw nearer to the earth, we can draw nearer to all the heavenly creatures that surround us. - bell hooks

posts: 233   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2019
id 8534090
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 LifeDestroyer (original poster Member #71163) posted at 9:37 PM on Sunday, April 19th, 2020

I see my IC online every week. She has actually brought up the boundaries question the last two sessions. He and I haven't discussed anything, at all.

What boundaries would you have set in place once he moved back in?




Maybe today can be a good day, and if today can be a good day, then maybe tomorrow can be too.

We might be broken and imperfect, but we still have worth and value.

As hard as it is to feel pain, it's much harder to feel nothing.

posts: 769   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2019   ·   location: OK
id 8534102
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oldtruck ( Member #62540) posted at 11:56 PM on Sunday, April 19th, 2020

glad you moved back home, separating never helps the BH

heal. for he cannot see his FWW doing the work to restore

the broken trust, make amends, provide just compensation.

i am never in favor of a remorseful WW giving up the fight to

save her marriage and family and agree to just divorce.

posts: 1383   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8534120
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Lifeitself ( Member #71057) posted at 2:34 PM on Monday, April 20th, 2020

That’s a cautiously positive update LD. He’s fighting very hard for you and your marriage.

Cook him nice dinners as he wrote he was eating way too much fast food a few months ago. (It might be KFC but I’m not 100% sure)

[This message edited by Lifeitself at 8:34 AM, April 20th (Monday)]

posts: 80   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2019   ·   location: UK
id 8534266
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 LifeDestroyer (original poster Member #71163) posted at 2:57 PM on Monday, April 20th, 2020

Lol yes, eating around here hasn't been the greatest. I was struggling yesterday to find something in the fridge to make for dinner. I definitely need to go grocery shopping.

We haven't spoken at all about me being here. We did watch a movie last night, all three of us and then just the two of us finished it.

He is doing thoughtful things even though he is a chaotic mess inside. I've been repainting our old dresser in the garage. The light in there sucks, so he hung a new one the other week when he was in there working. I'm short af and can't reach the outlet on the ceiling. I've been standing on an empty bucket to reach. Last night, he plugged in an extension cord for me so I don't fall off the bucket. This morning, he closed my bedroom door some so the bathroom light wouldn't wake me while he was getting ready.

I'm trying not to leave any boxes laying around. Before I officially moved in, I had been bringing some boxes over a few at a time. The other day I left some on the counter. My daughter and I had to run out, and he got home before us. I thought we would be home first and was going to unpack those kitchen boxes. He came out to the garage and told me that he is kind of freaking out and seeing all of those boxes didn't help. I told him that I would move them and make sure none of them are out where he can see them.

Our dogs and daughter are very happy to have everyone here. The smaller boy dog sleeps with him, and the bigger girl dog sleeps with me, just like they always did. They're also loving the extra petting.




Maybe today can be a good day, and if today can be a good day, then maybe tomorrow can be too.

We might be broken and imperfect, but we still have worth and value.

As hard as it is to feel pain, it's much harder to feel nothing.

posts: 769   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2019   ·   location: OK
id 8534273
Topic is Sleeping.
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