SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Everyone, I haven’t posted in a long time. Just looking to get some thoughts out and maybe some feedback. I am dating a guy I knew from high school (like 30 years ago..). We met again on my birthday and had our first date a month later and here we are 11 months later. He is kind, hardworking, intelligent and very good looking. We have a lot in common and we laugh a lot, go dancing and spend a lot of time together. He has confirmed that he is not dating anyone else. His phone is not hidden, shows me things his friends send etc. He has met my parents but has not attended any family functions. I have met his family and adult children. I have not attended any of his family events. We have met and attended events with each others friends.

I am feeling at a crossroads. Part of me wants a real relationship, part of me says, he is the only person I have dated since I was divorced 3 years ago and maybe I am being foolish. He has never been married, had 3 long term relationships but said he knew he didn’t love them and ended things even though it was hard to do. We say we like each other and enjoy being together. I am getting some pressure from my family to meet him. I have invited him to family events and he says he just wants to take things slow. I am respecting his wishes. I am not sure what I am doing.

Sat night we were supposed to meet friends for dinner. He was to join after work. He called and told me he wasn’t feeling well and that he was tired and not coming. My friends had pity looks on their faces and made some comments about me getting blown off. I saw him later, he said he was fatigued from working 7 straight and just didn’t want to go. I let him know that the gang felt sorry for me and that I said I was okay. He asked why and I let him know that during my marriage my ex rarely attended events with me and I went alone to many things. He said that if he isn’t up to going somewhere, he will let me know. I don’t want to put the past on him. I am wondering if I am too accommodating and easy going or if I need to ask for more from him. Blah this dating stuff is hard!

Here's my take. Do what you feel is right for YOU. Nobody else. Just you.

If you want more? Say something. If you are good taking it slow, then carry on. Don't worry about what others think, but don't settle for less than you want or feel you deserve.

Great way of saying it depends, right?

I am in a "slow boat to China" kind of relationship. Others don't really understand because it is not their idea of how relationships should work. Do I care? No. It works for me. Actually it's more of a permanent part-time relationship. I don't need to be connected at the hip and spend every waking moment together. But we do fun things together. We also do a lot of things individually. It works. For us.

Think about what YOU want.

Hey mitz, I remember you from way back....

I think the same as what Phoenix said. What do you want, and also, what do you hope or expect to have, in the future?

If this man has never married by this point, hasn't been unhappy with his life, and has repeatedly chosen to end one relationship after another when they no longer worked for him, what are the odds he'd want to change his legal status, no matter how good he feels about you? It would be a huge change in his lifestyle. One thing you know this man doesn't carry around is a supply of happy marriage memories, like a widower or a FBH might. His style has been to go through life much more unattached.

Your desire for a "real relationship" suggests that the right man for you should be a man who lets you know without being asked that he's met the right woman (you) and would truly prefer to be married (again) to you, and who will freely express those things without being prompted.

I confess the big mistake I made when I was dating a never-married guy (my SAWH) for 4 stress-free years, was to assume since we were enjoying each others' company - the weekends spent together, the nightly phone calls he made, the approval of friends who assumed we were "a cute couple" - that it was fine for us to live in the 'here and now.' At first, I wasn't in any big hurry, either. But I eventually noticed he never, ever talked about dreams for his future. I thought he was just so content to hang out with me when he wasn't working 60 hour weeks that he had no need to talk "future!" After 4 years, though, I felt like we were in a stuck place, not moving closer or leaving and I knew I'd have to break up with him if I wanted to find a long-term partner.

Long story short, we did get married, he didn't want to end it, but afterwards, it was clear I'd wanted a "permanent relationship" way more than he did: I found out years after we married that he had been hiring prostitutes "every so often" throughout our dating years! I never suspected...except once when he failed to call late at night on a road trip and I thought "out with the boys, doing who knows what." Meanwhile, I turned down any other opportunities to meet new people, out of loyalty and contentment with my steady part-time BF.

Not saying your old high school friend is like that, at all! Just trying to share how when I'd felt "something maybe is missing" during our relationship, it was my gut trying to tell me my BF actually wasn't "all in." And I didn't realize....

Your gut is also picking up clues, like his saying he wants to "take it slow" and not "meet your folks." Translated, I think that means he's on the fence, wouldn't you agree?

I am in the "there will never be any question if he wants you if he wants you" camp.

I believe a man who wants a future with you will let you know what he wants.

But your mileage may vary from mine with this..

"he said he was fatigued from working 7 straight and just didn’t want to go"

Seems reasonable that he would be fatigued.

He seems to need to get to know his body if he didn't start to feel it by day 6.

If he did and didn't verbalize it then there was a communication breakdown. Why?

If this is the first time then you really need more time to figure out if there is a pattern with "SO".

Well from a guys perspective, which is what you are looking for.

He was tired, if he truly worked 7 days straight his tank was empty. You might have said you understand and would he mind if you came over and hang out for a while and see how he responded to that.

I posted this in another post, men communicate overtly, we say what we are feeling, or say what we mean.

There is no rosetta stone to decode what men "really" mean because we say what we really mean.

If he wants to take it slow I would surmise that he might have gone quickly with his three failed relationships and is trying something new.

If only there was a way you could ask him about it and tell him what you are feeling. If only.

Dating is hard, you knew the dude before, he likes you or he wouldn't be spending time with you.

My therapist told me that I should try and not have sex with the woman I will date until I feel like I truly know her and have sussed out all the possible red flags. Maybe he is doing that.

Maybe the place you were meeting him has a negative memory, maybe the sun was in his eyes.

Or just maybe he was tired.

[This message edited by sorryforeverythi at 3:51 PM, March 5th (Thursday)]