SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel hopeless as to whether to keep searching for a girlfriend since nowadays it seems like the majority is cheating and I really don't like to go through that again. Are the odds against us?

No the odds are against you. If you fix your picker and do the work there are millions of people out there that want a loving, faithful, lasting relationship.

We all just picked shitty people and ignored a lot of red flags.

I don't know, man. I'm probably not the best person to ask. Kind of feeling like what's the point, as well.

I do feel like we're outnumbered.

We all just picked shitty people and ignored a lot of red flags

So we are obviously attracted to these kind of people. How do we choose the right kind of person? How do you make sure you see those red flags and don't ignore them?

I am not sure all people cheat, but after being on here I am pretty confident once a cheater always a cheater... Except a few who really want to change..

How do we choose the right kind of person?

I'm quoting this because I'd really like to know the answer to this question.

To me, there are basically two choices. First, you can choose never to take a chance and be alone for the rest of your life to protect your heart. Or, second, you can let go of the outcome, take a chance, watch for red flags, listen to your gut, realize it can happen again, but know that you will survive it no matter how much it sucks.

Neither choice is right or wrong, just what's right for you.

I've chosen to take the chance, understand there are no guarantees, but know I will survive IF it happens again. I hope like hell it doesn't, but there is always risk.

What Phoenix said.

Dammit. Well said, Phoenix.

What Phoenix said.

Dammit. Well said, Phoenix.

Indeed! I don't think most people cheat. Once we have finally got through the worst of the trauma of infidelity (which can take many years) I do believe that future relationships are very possible. However I now no longer take anything for granted whereas before I was probably complacent and just assumed that I'd be married to XW until one of us popped our clogs.

Infidelity has taught me the fragility of relationships and not to take anything (or anyone) for granted. I believe it has also made me infinitely stronger in the face of any future adversity.

Don't give up Hector.

There are many of us on here and not on SI as well who are faithful and loving partners.

That said, I believe character counts and I consider character to be the number one thing I now look for and the one thing I would never accept the absence of.

[This message edited by Shehawk at 5:07 PM, February 16th (Sunday)]

I think it depends on your definition. Cheating comes down to a lot of grey areas. Are we talking just Physical? Emotional? Porn? Online sex? etc. It can be a bit of a grey area for some or black and white for others.

I like to think most people don't but it really does seem rampant.

A friend told me that after she got cheated on, she feels strong and she's not afraid to love again cause she thinks she can manage all the levels of hurt. Sad and funny.

[This message edited by hopefullife at 9:27 AM, February 17th (Monday)]

Although I haven't read it in 5 years now, I recommend reading the book "The Science of Happily Ever After" which helps you figure out what's really important in a future partner, red flags to look for, etc.

I remember being struck so many times by things I read that described WXH - I never should have married him. I just kept excusing away red flags.

But we have to be intentional about this, especially after being conditioned for so long by our ex cheating partners. The way they treated us wasn't normal, but it feels comfortable, so many many people repeat the same patterns and wind up with someone as bad as or worse than the one who brought us here.

All the time in NB, I read stories of people who are -- yet again -- ignoring huge red flags, even as they write that they won't put up with bad behavior and will heed red flags (their words and actions don't match).

I was fed up on dating after over 60 bad first dates. I was determined to remain single, since I was finally so happy being so. And then I read this book, readjusted my thinking about what was important, and met the (amazing) guy I've been with for 4.5 years now.

As for stats on cheaters? They are out there, but info is dubious since it comes from self-reporting and by definition, cheaters are liars. However, I truly believe that there are a lot of really good, faithful people out there whose character rends them incapable of cheating. And I believe that the people who are capable of cheating give out lots of tells that are ignored or explained away. You can find a good person, but you need to think with your head and not let your heart override if you witness red flag behavior.

Thanks everyone for their input on the subject.

This is not always true of course, but generally, for every person who is unfaithful there is a faithful person also.

Even though I felt I was, overall, a plenty good husband in my first marriage, I have changed a lot in my second. I keep a closer eye on things, make sure not to lose our connection with each other, make sure we talk every single day for at least 30 minutes, go to bed together.... I don't know if it makes me a better husband, but it makes me feel safer.

I keep a closer eye on things, make sure not to lose our connection with each other, make sure we talk every single day for at least 30 minutes, go to bed together.... I don't know if it makes me a better husband, but it makes me feel safer.

I wish it did. Didn't for me.

Hectorlf1:

My guess from what I've read on the subject is that men and women cheat at about the same level of frequency. By cheat I'm talking having sex with the other person. That level is somewhere between 10% and 25%. I'm sure that these numbers are not super reliable but even if they are in the ballpark well over half us do not cheat.

Now when it comes down to it you can't blame yourself if you got involved with a cheater. After all they are very, very good at being deceptive. They've had a lot of practice at it and all you have to do is read these forums to see that so many good and decent people not only get cheated on but get cheated on by the same person repeatedly. That's how deceptive these cheaters unless you want to believe that all of the victims were just stupid.

I don't consider myself to be stupid by any means but my first wife cheated on me. And truth be told up to a certain point I would have probably taken her back. Thank God she left me.

I firmly believe that the majority of people out there that get into a monogamous relationship will try to maintain it. That doesn't mean that the relationship will thrive, there are many ways that relationships fail but it does mean that the odds are in your favor of finding someone who will not cheat.

Make sure that upfront before the relationship gets serious that you let them know that cheating is a deal breaker to you, no ifs, ands or buts. There are some people out there that do not consider fidelity to be a big deal and having sex with someone else doesn't bother them and it wouldn't bother them if their partner did either. That's their thing - just make sure that the rules are clear with your partner.

Good luck.

I think this is the wrong place to ask the question. It's a 50/50 chance, based on the data.

Will it happen, maybe.

Will you see the warning signs, maybe.

Our job is to mate and find a partner.

Find someone, get to know them and then focus on having a great relationship.

If it fails, we are here, if it works, keep working at it.

Relationships are jobs, if you neglect your job you get fired, either divorce or cheating.

Be good at your job.

Or the company flounders and you get laid off due to no fault of your own.